To have had a good time?

[blindsighted]

Third trimester of a really difficult (much wanted) pregnancy. Myself and DP have been going through a rough time, mainly because he still expects me to be the same person I was prior to the pregnancy despite having HG, anemia and SPD. I haven't been particularly moody or anything, just tired and struggling - I haven't been able to do anything (still cleaning and cooking just too tired and sore to be going out a lot) and basically the only person I've seen the entire pregnancy is him (hard to go out when either puking or in pain to walk). He has NO interest in spending time with me and sends me upstairs each evening so he can play his games on the tele. So I am incredibly lonely to be honest. I have lovely family and friends but tbh I'm embarrassed to invite them over because he will just sit in the front room with us and play his games, it's really awkward.

Recently, I've been signed off work with anxiety and SPD and my friend who lives in another city called to say she's coming to see me because she can tell I'm struggling. Absolutely lovely of her, right?

So i told DP about it, he wasn't happy. I explained we were going to go to the pub for a cheap pub dinner and that the purpose of her coming was to get me out of my rut (that he's been moaning at me for being in - but unwilling to help me). Anyway, I got really upset because I said I couldn't see what his issue was, he's always moaning at me for wanting his company so why wasn't he happy about this. And eventually he said to go and have fun, but not to be too long(weird?).

I went, and had a lovely meal and the most lovely time talking everything out and just remembering that I'm a human being myself not just someone who is sick a lot lol, and after about 3 hours I came home, really happy. I walked in the house and specifically remember saying "hi babe" with a smile on my face. He went APE. I was so taken aback, I thought he'd be happy to see me so calm and happy.

Told me he thinks it's really selfish of me that I had a good time with my friend and that I'm spiteful for giving her the good side of me whilst he gets the "miserable bitch who does nothing but nag".

He went on with his rant and admitted he hoped I wouldn't have a good time. This was a few days ago, but I can't get it out of my head. Surely that's the cruelest thing? I have TRIED so hard to spend time with him, tried to get into his tv programmes, tried to get into his game, even bought tickets to events he likes - I had no appreciation and more importantly was just told to stop being annoying and go to bed. So now I'm actually doing my own thing, as I was told to, and it's still wrong???? I feel like this is a bit of a control issue, does he want me to just sit in bed and not speak to anyone?

I've recently started counselling as he's convinced I've got depression, but she actually thinks I'm quite healthy minded despite my anxiety and has suggested that perhaps he could do with coming along.

I'm really worried that he's being a bit abusive.... or is he right? Am I just needy???

When you get away from him you will find your happiness again. He is sucking all of the joy out of you. Dont allow it to happen. Don't be ashamed to tell your parents. They wont judge..they love you so much.

I went for a couple of mocktails with my mom tonight, didn't quite tell her everything but did open up that things weren't great and that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue in the relationship. She's got a lot on her own plate at the moment but was still super supportive. Bless her.

It was really nice as well being out. I realise now how outgoing I used to be, I was never one to be nervous about walking into pubs and stuff. But tonight I felt quite anxious. I enjoyed it though. Very tired now lol.

He used another phone again to text me a load of abuse, saying "I swear to god you better not be out" and again telling me how weird and controlling I am. And yet again how much he hates me. He also kept telling me to "fuck off" and then getting angry that I wasn't responding?! I don't know how many numbers I'm going to have to block. Perhaps I'll have to change my number.

Thank you all so much again, you have no idea how much you're helping me stay strong x

When I had my DS my mum wrote in a card ‘you will find strength you didn’t know you had’
This is you, you are about to become a mother, an unstoppable force of nature. You’ve got this, I promise x

OP

I'm not going to give advice on your situation but I wanted to share something with you.Last week I made the decision to leave my husband&whilst I'm not going to go into many details here,he's controlling,selfish and manipulative,he turned around and told I wasn't good enough for him and that everything I've done for him hasn't been good enough and I was devastated.I sought support from my friends and family and I came to realise something that was incredibly empowering and gave me the strength to tell him I've had enough.

I'm good enough for my children,my friends and my family.They love me for who I am and the way I am.They expect nothing from me and give me their love unconditionally and if everyone else in my life thinks I'm good enough then it doesn't matter if one single person doesn't.

A toxic person can't stand the thought of the person their hurting standing up for themselves and telling them they don't care what they think of them because everyone else loves them just the way they are.

Good luck OP

You're soon bringing a vulnerable baby into a home with a narcissistic control freak who abuses you. He sends you upstairs? He's not happy when you go out? He breaks things in a rage? Please leave him before the birth - he's going to be a drain at best, and you're going to be caring for a baby round the clock.

@33goingon64 op has already left.

Well done op, I'm sure opening up to your mum wasn't easy. Please tell your parents the full story though, they will definitely want to know and support you.

I don't think you're pathetic Op... you sound very level headed and intelligent, you know yourself and his mind-fucking hasn't worked on you. You're out before you've given birth MASSIVE BONUS. Do not put his on the birth certificate, it gives him automatic parental rights and means he can use the child to control you.

You're fantastic. So brave and kind... you've got your head screwed on right.

It doesn't matter what other stuff your mum's dealing with, she will want you to be able to tell her, so do, please. Your mum will be so sad if she thinks you couldn't tell her.

Who is on the tenancy agreement? Could you get him out then get in a lodger if your landlord allows?

Just him on the agreement so I can move out easily, although all of the bills are in my name. No idea what I do regarding that?

I have texted my mom tonight since I got back to my friends to ask if she'd be happy for me to move back in and I don't know when I'd be able to leave again. She said of course this is your home.

@Teapot1984 you're so right. My friends and my family do love me as I am. I'm sure I'm a pain in the arse in some ways but they still love me and would never send me away when I was upset or in pain.
I'm so happy for you that you got away xx

all of the bills are in my name. No idea what I do regarding that?

Close the accounts. He'll need to open new ones in his own name.

I can't wait to hear you're safely out of there!

This may or may not be helpful, but there is a section in this link on what to include on your safety packing list. You might want to make a list of things that you need to collect
www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Run OP run for all you are worth. Horrible timing yes but better to go now before he gets close to breaking you. sending you strength and good vibes....

So glad you are leaving OP. One thing the link posted by pp doesn't mention. It's common to try & get you to return for some reason after you have left. Either to 'talk' or collect forgotten/sentimental items. Never, ever go alone. My colleagues work partner did so & was attacked. Its a really common tactic apparently according to police officers who rescued her.

Bloody hell his messages sound terrifying. As others have said op, please don't be persuaded to go there for any chats. No way.

I'm so pleased you've left and have seen him for what he is.

You are so strong and have got this x

I'm not sure if it would also be helpful to speak to your local police station and get some advice re harassment if these abusive messages from random numbers keep popping up?

Hopefully someone more knowledgable on this will come along soon.

Not sure if it's a good idea to get his volatile and abusive behaviour on record?

Keep him away from you and away from your baby OP. Go to your mums and don't look back. Keep him off the birth certificate so that he doesn't have access rights to your baby and don't ever see him alone again.

Hmm, normally when closing utilities accounts, you need to give meter readings, so if you're planning on going back to get the rest of your stuff, take the readings then.
DO NOT GO ALONE, sorry, I know we keep saying it, but it's really not safe. Whoever comes with you, must come into the house with you (not wait in the car). You can ask the police to accompany you. The police, or a male friend, would be better than a female friend.

I'm glad you are getting out OP. Take pics of all his abusive messages. Cut off all the utilities immediately. Get a large male friend/family member or two to accompany you to get your belongings (he is a coward, he will not challenge another man). Contact the police if he sends you threatening messages. Do not put his name on the birth certificate! You do not want to be tied to this man for life. He is vile and dangerous. He will continue to escalate.

Please, have the police attend with you when you go get the rest of your stuff. Also a friend. The police will keep the peace, your friends will need to help you pack and get your stuff out. I would do this as soon as practicable.

Good on you for getting out. He is abusive. He was slowly working you down. By breaking stuff and making you stay in your room he was controlling you.

You'll be yourself again when you're free of this tapeworm who's just sucking the joy out of your life. He's furious he's lost control over you. Stay strong and don't fall for his 'tender' moments when he'll call you or text professing his love for you, he lives for you, how you going is breaking his heart..... I can still hear the auld shite from my exh.

You'll be happy, safe and baby will be welcomed into loving family away from him.

Well done OP, so glad you are getting out of there. Hope everything goes well for you. Re-read this thread if you ever feel like you are wavering in your decision

You can do this OP. It’s good that your mum can and will happily have you and their new grandchild at home with them.

So he’s on the tenancy agreement but you pay the rent and all of the bills? Well that works out nicely then. Cancel the direct debits and standing orders pronto. He can sort his miserable abusive self out. He can sell his console if he needs money.

You can do it.

Hi Op,
Reading your comments you seem the most loveliest person and your partner has completely blindsided you by being one person and then changing and showing his true colours in pregnancy. I'm so relieved it's happened now so you can get settled and prepared for pregnancy at your mums. I have a 17 month old and didn't have an easy pregnancy also. I eventually ended up having a emergency c section and was in hospital for a week plus the recovery when coming home, so the last thing you need is his abusive behaviour when at that time you are feeling very emotional and vulnerable. Anyway raising a child is hard work, I have an an amazing DP who had an awful year (just last year) losing both is mother and father in the less than 5 months of each other due to cancer, so I'm so sorry to hear about your relative too...given all this is happening you need a support partner not this man that's treating you like this, you deserve so much better.

I'm worried once the baby is born he might try and worm is way back in, but stay strong and yes like @Daily says contact all the companies you pay the bills for and let him fend for himself. This man isn't going to change but he may try putting on a act again when he realises how much you do at home.
All the best sand look after yourself x

Make a list of bills in your name. Write down the gas and electric meter numbers before you go so they can charge you then close down that account for your ex to open a new one. Make sure you pack up everything. I wouldn't go back again.