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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have had a good time?

136 replies

blindsighted · 12/02/2019 11:32

Third trimester of a really difficult (much wanted) pregnancy. Myself and DP have been going through a rough time, mainly because he still expects me to be the same person I was prior to the pregnancy despite having HG, anemia and SPD. I haven't been particularly moody or anything, just tired and struggling - I haven't been able to do anything (still cleaning and cooking just too tired and sore to be going out a lot) and basically the only person I've seen the entire pregnancy is him (hard to go out when either puking or in pain to walk). He has NO interest in spending time with me and sends me upstairs each evening so he can play his games on the tele. So I am incredibly lonely to be honest. I have lovely family and friends but tbh I'm embarrassed to invite them over because he will just sit in the front room with us and play his games, it's really awkward.

Recently, I've been signed off work with anxiety and SPD and my friend who lives in another city called to say she's coming to see me because she can tell I'm struggling. Absolutely lovely of her, right?

So i told DP about it, he wasn't happy. I explained we were going to go to the pub for a cheap pub dinner and that the purpose of her coming was to get me out of my rut (that he's been moaning at me for being in - but unwilling to help me). Anyway, I got really upset because I said I couldn't see what his issue was, he's always moaning at me for wanting his company so why wasn't he happy about this. And eventually he said to go and have fun, but not to be too long(weird?).

I went, and had a lovely meal and the most lovely time talking everything out and just remembering that I'm a human being myself not just someone who is sick a lot lol, and after about 3 hours I came home, really happy. I walked in the house and specifically remember saying "hi babe" with a smile on my face. He went APE. I was so taken aback, I thought he'd be happy to see me so calm and happy.

Told me he thinks it's really selfish of me that I had a good time with my friend and that I'm spiteful for giving her the good side of me whilst he gets the "miserable bitch who does nothing but nag".

He went on with his rant and admitted he hoped I wouldn't have a good time. This was a few days ago, but I can't get it out of my head. Surely that's the cruelest thing? I have TRIED so hard to spend time with him, tried to get into his tv programmes, tried to get into his game, even bought tickets to events he likes - I had no appreciation and more importantly was just told to stop being annoying and go to bed. So now I'm actually doing my own thing, as I was told to, and it's still wrong???? I feel like this is a bit of a control issue, does he want me to just sit in bed and not speak to anyone?

I've recently started counselling as he's convinced I've got depression, but she actually thinks I'm quite healthy minded despite my anxiety and has suggested that perhaps he could do with coming along.

I'm really worried that he's being a bit abusive.... or is he right? Am I just needy???

OP posts:
blindsighted · 16/02/2019 11:47

Do you all think the violence could lead to physical violence towards me too then?

I'm thinking and racking my brains trying to figure out where things went wrong.

He used to call me beautiful every day, he hasn't said it for months now. I know that sounds silly but I used to get a little buzz when he'd say it. He always wanted sex, but the last few months he literally hasn't wanted to be anywhere near me and has made comments on my body not being as nice as it used to be (well duh I'm pregnant!). If I'd wear make up, on the rare occasion these days tbh, he'd say I never make effort for him and he always gets the rough version. True, but why would I make loads of effort to sit in the bedroom alone!! These things all happened over time, but now when I put them together it makes me think he doesn't love me or even like me anymore. But if that's the case, why does he want me to always be in the house where he knows where I am and why is he so worried about me meeting someone else???

OP posts:
Motoko · 16/02/2019 12:21

Yes, IT WILL BECOME PHYSICAL!

Look, you don't seem to be listening. "Everything he says and does, is a way to control you. To confuse you. To gaslight you. To make you confused and put you on the back foot."

It's nothing that you have done. And think about it logically for one minute, if he'd been nasty from the beginning of your relationship, you wouldn't have carried on seeing him, after a very short time, would you? You'd have quickly dumped his sorry arse.
That's why he was nice then. It was all an act, to get you emotionally involved with him, to make it hard to leave. Getting you pregnant, ensnares you even more, and makes it even harder to leave.

HE WILL NEVER BE, AND WAS NEVER, A NICE, LOVING, MAN.

Motoko · 16/02/2019 12:23

Bold fail. I used quotation marks instead of the *.

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 12:27

@Motoko oh no I am listening, I didn't mean to sound naive when I said do you think he'd get violence. I definitely think he would have, he thinks (and might be right actually), that I'm scared of him now and I think he quite likes that tbh. I just wondered if everyone thought the same as me. Not that it matters too much, I cannot be around a man who I believe might physically harm me whilst I'm pregnant.

It does make me sad that it's came to this though. As pathetic as that might sound.

OP posts:
Motoko · 16/02/2019 14:44

Abusive men always do the same things, that's why it's called The Script, hence why we say that he'll become violent to you, because that comes after the other abuse. He's already escalated it to breaking your things, so it's only a matter of time before he also tries breaking you- your skin, your bones, your mind.

Margot33 · 16/02/2019 14:58

He is being controlling and abusive. You should leave him. Can you move back to your parents?

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 15:04

He's horrible isn't he. He said this pregnancy is the worst decision he's made in his life. That really hurt me but I'm trying to channel it into making it easier to hate him.

Yeah I can move, that's my plan. Although I haven't told them what's happened yet. Need to find the courage.

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 16/02/2019 15:57

I think you are bloody brilliant, well done for leaving.

Please look up "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven. It will help explain a lot of how he behaves.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 16:46

He sounds awful op. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Does he bring anything positive to your life or dies he just bring you down and drive away the people who may be able to support and help you?

woolduvet · 16/02/2019 16:49

Don't forget to take the tv! Good luck

StreetwiseHercules · 16/02/2019 16:49

He’s a nasty, insidious, gaslightling, abuse scumbag OP. Get out now.

StreetwiseHercules · 16/02/2019 16:50

“Yeah I can move, that's my plan. Although I haven't told them what's happened yet. Need to find the courage.”

You owe him nothing. Kick him out or just go if that’s the right thing.

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 17:02

No, he doesn't bring anything positive and hasn't for a long time. He makes me feel disgusting. I've never been the most confident looks wise but I quite liked myself and now I'm doubting everything. I'm so happy to be having my baby but I really wish I'd never met him. He's ruined me.

I feel so so so alone right now.

OP posts:
beeyourself · 16/02/2019 17:04

I'm glad you're making plans. What's your housing situation? Do you rent/own together or separately? When you go back (don't go alone), gather the essential things (paperwork, sentimental stuff etc) and take it somewhere safe. Then get yourself somewhere else to stay before you get the rest of your stuff.

I'm glad that you know it's not you, it's him. And it's best to get away now before it escalates.

beeyourself · 16/02/2019 17:06

I'm sorry you feel alone. As soon as you tell your friends/family things should improve, people will be looking out for you.

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 17:13

I wish I could get my own place but I just don't have the money. My parents are wonderful but it's going to be really hard for them having me and a newborn there I know it will be.

OP posts:
beeyourself · 16/02/2019 17:33

Is the current place mortgaged/privately rented/HA? Is there any chance you can stay and him leave?

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 17:37

Rented, in an ideal world I'd stay but there's no way he'd leave. He's got it too cushty I pay for everything and do everything.

He has no where to go and no money to do so anyway. So if I leave he'd have to give up the house. But he isn't decent enough to let me and the baby stay. So that unfortunately isn't an option.

OP posts:
RLABC · 16/02/2019 17:43

OP I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this shit right now Flowers I'm sure your parents will welcome you with open arms, they love you.

blindsighted · 16/02/2019 18:39

@RLABC I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. My parents are the best two people on earth, they'd make me feel super welcome and be brilliant with baby, they're both so excited. But I am aware it wouldn't be ideal for any of us. Although I guess I could start to save there and hopefully get my own place for me and the little one!

I am really worried how they're going to feel when I tell them what's happened though. They really like(d) him (they've been going off him he last couple of months as they've seen a change in me and know it's got something to do with him!

OP posts:
RabbityMcRabbit · 16/02/2019 19:35

Don't go back to being in the house with him alone ever. It's that serious.

This. His behaviour will escalate to violence against you. Do NOT go back to that house alone. Echoing what PPs have said. Stay strong. You are not the problem. He is a vile excuse for a man who doesn't deserve to be a father.Flowers

TheBrilloPad · 16/02/2019 19:49

OP, I wish I'd had mumsnet when I was with my husband. This was him years ago; little aggressive acts. Punching the walls, smashing the laptop, throwing a glass of water in my face. But he never actually hit me so I thought it was ok. And I stayed. And had a baby. Then another. Then another. Three in four years. And he got worse and worse. I left him, and then one morning he turned up at the house still drunk from the night before and was aggressive and violent in front of the kids. Baby was just a few months old. I called the kids. Social services were involved. Their schools and nursery's were told. And the police officer who took my statement was so kind, but so horrified, by what I'd normalised for so long. And I wish I had mumsnet back then, and I wish I'd posted, and I wish I'd listened. What I put my kids through wasn't acceptable, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair on them. Don't put your child through that, just leave him now. My life is so much simpler and easier without my DH. I'm a single parent of three kids under 5, yet it's so much EASIER than life with him ever was. And so much happier. Rally your family round you and walk and don't look back. Things will get worse and years down the line you'll remember posting here and how you were told to leave, and you'll wish so hard that you listened.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 16/02/2019 19:59

I’ve been around on MN for a while now, and I’ve never ever said it but - LTB.

Be 100% honest with your parents and stay with them. Be safe. I guarantee it won’t be long until something he wants to smash will be aimed at you.

Leave and never, ever look back.

DwayneDibbly · 16/02/2019 20:07

This was the sort of thing my DP did when I had my DC. Said he couldn't stand being in the house with me, looking at my miserable face. When I was so depressed and lonely, not coping at all with a newborn. I left him. Your partner may not be adjusting to the life change but that's his problem. He needs to be supporting you and if he can't, kick him out. Honestly, I know that sounds extreme.

MissSmith80 · 16/02/2019 20:19

I am so sorry that you are going through this OP. I'm in my third trimester too and just cannot imagine having to cope with the things you are going through. Please take the wonderful advice of PP's. Feel free to DM me if you need to chat about pregnancy related things xx

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