To have had a good time?

[blindsighted]

Third trimester of a really difficult (much wanted) pregnancy. Myself and DP have been going through a rough time, mainly because he still expects me to be the same person I was prior to the pregnancy despite having HG, anemia and SPD. I haven't been particularly moody or anything, just tired and struggling - I haven't been able to do anything (still cleaning and cooking just too tired and sore to be going out a lot) and basically the only person I've seen the entire pregnancy is him (hard to go out when either puking or in pain to walk). He has NO interest in spending time with me and sends me upstairs each evening so he can play his games on the tele. So I am incredibly lonely to be honest. I have lovely family and friends but tbh I'm embarrassed to invite them over because he will just sit in the front room with us and play his games, it's really awkward.

Recently, I've been signed off work with anxiety and SPD and my friend who lives in another city called to say she's coming to see me because she can tell I'm struggling. Absolutely lovely of her, right?

So i told DP about it, he wasn't happy. I explained we were going to go to the pub for a cheap pub dinner and that the purpose of her coming was to get me out of my rut (that he's been moaning at me for being in - but unwilling to help me). Anyway, I got really upset because I said I couldn't see what his issue was, he's always moaning at me for wanting his company so why wasn't he happy about this. And eventually he said to go and have fun, but not to be too long(weird?).

I went, and had a lovely meal and the most lovely time talking everything out and just remembering that I'm a human being myself not just someone who is sick a lot lol, and after about 3 hours I came home, really happy. I walked in the house and specifically remember saying "hi babe" with a smile on my face. He went APE. I was so taken aback, I thought he'd be happy to see me so calm and happy.

Told me he thinks it's really selfish of me that I had a good time with my friend and that I'm spiteful for giving her the good side of me whilst he gets the "miserable bitch who does nothing but nag".

He went on with his rant and admitted he hoped I wouldn't have a good time. This was a few days ago, but I can't get it out of my head. Surely that's the cruelest thing? I have TRIED so hard to spend time with him, tried to get into his tv programmes, tried to get into his game, even bought tickets to events he likes - I had no appreciation and more importantly was just told to stop being annoying and go to bed. So now I'm actually doing my own thing, as I was told to, and it's still wrong???? I feel like this is a bit of a control issue, does he want me to just sit in bed and not speak to anyone?

I've recently started counselling as he's convinced I've got depression, but she actually thinks I'm quite healthy minded despite my anxiety and has suggested that perhaps he could do with coming along.

I'm really worried that he's being a bit abusive.... or is he right? Am I just needy???

X posted with you op.

Well done for leaving. Stay left. Dont go back alone for any reason.

Make sure your family all know why you aren't going back. They will support you if they know. Make sure they know you aren't just visiting.

God OP, this is so very worrying.

Please get yourself somewhere safe. He doesn't sound like he's adjusting in any way to your pregnancy and it will only get worse when baby arrives.

Please go and be with family. Get treated like you should, waited on hand and foot a little bit. In the very least, get away from this toxic man.

He needs to know his behaviour is not normal. It's not right. And prepare for him to change his tune once you've gone - Being all nice and the bloke you knew before. It's just an act. He needs to get counselling and help for a seriois amount of time before you even contemplate being in a relationship together, raising a baby together.

You can do it. You'll kick butt and raise your baby fantastically.

Making you feel like shit - check
Name calling - check
Expecting you to do everything- check
No thanks for anything - check
Shouting at you for little things - check
Not wanting you to be happy - check
Angry when you contact friends - check
Violent towards inanimate objects - check

Look at that list... what happens next.... You know, I know, we all know.

Protect your baby. Protect yourself.

He said that my family will agree I deserved it

Classic abuser line that is used to try to shut you up and frighten you into compliance. How would anyone possibly think that you were being controlling in this situation? How is it controlling to sit in your room, without a tv even cause he broke it in a rage, every night so he can play video games? Since you’re not allowed to “look bored” (even though watching anyone play a video game for hours is extremely boring) you’re forced to sit in your room alone and constantly told to go to bed! None of that indicates any control on your part whatsoever so I doubt anyone would think that!

He isn't a partner. Partnership is a sharing, mutually beneficial two-way relationship. He's a leech. A nasty, belittling, draining, violent, selfish, abusive leech.

Entering parenthood on your own will be safer and happier without being on tenterhooks at having the audacity to put the needs of a vulnerable baby before the desires of this vile leech. What would he be like when you've been out at baby group? When there's no dinner on the table because you've spent the day dealing with an unsettled baby?

Do not put him on the birth certificate and give away parental responsibility so he can intrude on your life for the next 18 years. Do not give baby his surname. Make your arrangements to leave safely and let your MWs know, they may be able to direct you to more support.

You're already having a difficult, draining time through the toll of pregnancy on you and his reaction has just been to make it worse and how you're not meeting his "needs".

it is called gaslighting, OP. He will try and convince you that his behaviour is all your fault. And will rewrite history to make out he is the victim. Then he will threaten suicide unless you take him back. It's called the Abuser's Script. Try and ignore it.

Google the Freedom Programme. A tenner to do it online. It will open your eyes.

Glad to hear you are safe tonight and your family has your back. And sorry about your sick relative.

DO NOT go back to the house alone. Even if you think he's out. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time, because they're losing their control over you. 2 women a week are murdered by their partner/ex. Don't become one of them.

And whatever he says or promises, it's a lie, it's only a way to try to get you back under their control.

Don't put him on the birth certificate, because it will give him PR, and if he takes the baby, you'll have to go to court to get the baby back, which could take weeks. You can still get child support from him, if he's not on the b/c.

Keep safe. You've done really well leaving, but you must stay away from him.

Forgot to say, sorry to hear about your family member, I know how hard it is to get that news.

Back from the hospital, got my car now at my friends. Really really tired and getting these braxton hicks again, not too worried though they're not that painful so I don't think they're anything to worry about (although me being me, I will!). He won't have realised I've gone yet, tbh I doubt he will notice until he goes to brush his teeth and sees the toothpaste is gone. It's not as if he bothers with me when I'm there!

Still feel okay, it's a bit scary but to be quite honest I can't afford to go home. He will just get angry and break my stuff and I can't afford to replace anything else.

Did I mention he broke the front room tele as well, 2 days ago. And this idiot went and bought a new one. So the only tele in the house, I paid for and can't even watch! But I am a controlling spiteful bitch? Just awful.

Oh god. Well done for leaving. Mumsnet is amazing. And you are too. Stay left, as someone said. Don’t go back to the house alone. Hopefully now you’re gone he won’t be able to get round your defences again. Print out this thread . Tell all your friends and family the detail of the things he’s said and done. No more money for him. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. Glad you got out safely. Please take someone back with you if you need to pick up any remaining belongings. Good luck with your baby x

Well done for leaving, I’ll echo what others have said and say don’t go back to the house alone and don’t put him on the birth cert or give your little baby his surname!

Make sure you have the paperwork for the house mortgage docs etc if you both own it, marriage cert, passport, car stuff, bank statements. And transfer any money in a joint account to yours and change all you online banking passwords in fact change all passwords so he doesn’t have access to anything.

Speak to your midwife and women’s aid and inform the police of his behaviour, if you own the house together seek to have an occupation order placed on him, get legal advice ASAP if you don’t get on to the council for emergency housing.

Send people back with a list of baby things and stuff you may need.

Wow!

Well he's left you in no doubt as to how vile HE is!

"Make no mistake, this wasn't blind rage but calculated" totally agree.

"He said that my family will agree I deserved it which I can promise you now, they won't." You didn't need to tell us that it's very clear to us that he's just a nasty bastard lashing out trying to hurt you in any way he can. Fuck him! He's not worth your tears or your time.

Make sure you have essential papers, sentimental and valuable items because I honestly wouldn't trust this guy not to wreck them or set them alight or something!

So very sorry to hear about your relative too

So glad you’ve left op, stay strong 💪

Your posts are revealing more and more what his personality is like. I tend to encourage people to work through problems in relationships, but I agree 100% with all the other PPs. For your baby’s sake, as well as your own, you must leave him. Sorry, I know it won’t be easy. 💐

He contacted me from someone else's phone today to remind me that everything is my fault, I made him behave the way that he did, everyone blames me and that I'm a spiteful control freak and he hates me.

When I argued back he said he'd smash my things up. How his family minimise this violence is beyond me!

Block him on everything. Arrange through family or friends to collect your stuff, including the TV.
Get advice on separating, empty any shared bank accounts. Get name off lease, or if own home, talk about selling.
You can’t talk to him directly because of abuse so find someone who is willing to be go between until you need solicitor involved.
Good luck with the baby.

You may also need police involved for wilful destruction of property if you have evidence of ownership such as receipts or bank statements

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your personality. He is the problem. This is what manipulative and abusive men do. Get you questioning yourself until you feel shit about yourself. Huge red flags. Doesn’t want you but also doesn’t want you to be happy with anyone else. Take him to counselling, tell the counsellor everything you’ve told us on mums net and then seee what happens.

You must ring the police on 101. Keep all the messages. You're doing great, well done. If you're in or near Berks I'd be happy to meet and talk you through what I was talked through with womens aid and so on. Not sure how to message on mumsnet.

Your best bet is to not respond to any messages and if you recognise his friends ringing you, don't pick up. Don't delete any voice mails either.

Take him to counselling, tell the counsellor everything you’ve told us on mums net and then seee what happens.

WHAT? Everything you said before that point was correct, but OP needs to stay away from him. Anyway, he's not going to go to counselling!

Motoko I hadn’t seen the update. Agreed!

Take him to counselling? Are you joking? The OP needs to get the fuck away from him for the sake of her and her baby. He's a violent, nasty, manipulative bastard who's behaviour will escalate and the OP needs to involve the police, not a bloody counsellor.

You're doing great OP. Just checking- you have told your friends and family about it haven't you?

Well done for leaving OP

How someone treats you when you're vulnerable and when times are hard is much more telling than how they treat you when everything is great

There have been simular threads recently and in at least one the man suddenly changed back, apologising and saying everything would be better once the baby is here. This act only lasted a very short time before he reverted back to type.

Remember none of this is your fault. It doesn't matter if you were 'boring', couldn't go out, grumpy or whatever. Nobody deserves to live with someone aggressive and violent (even towards objects) or be ordered about (it is absolutely horrifying he 'sends you to bed' - for you it's like being in prison being told what to do and when - and he says you are controlling!? And doesn't like you going out once??)

You did well to get out before the baby arrives. Can you imagine how he would cope when screaming interrupted his game? Even the strongest relationships can turn into a bit of a struggle and resentment when you're both exhausted and having the 'who's most tired' argument. I hated my husband at times when we had newborns and I think he felt the same and I think we have what I'd consider a decent relationship. Also you don't want your baby growing up thinking that's normal snd finding someone that treats them the same (or treating someone else like that)

Please keep everything from him as evidence. And back it up in case he smashes your phone or you lose it. Send it to someone you trust or email it to yourself. See if you can record him on one of his rants so he can't just deny the anger and aggression and everything, but only if you can do so safely. Make sure you have a friend with you when you go and pick up your stuff. Take what's rightfully yours. Give the baby your name if you don't have the same one or are thinking of changing it back. Don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens you at all in person or on text etc as this will be more evidence against him. You never know when you might need any of it. Keep your counsellor in the loop and don't hold back any of the abusive details as this will be another record if you need it

And please don't believe him if he says it was all a mistake or he will change. A mistake is an accident, a one off. Being aggressive, abusive and vile to the mother of your child while she's going through a difficult time, and trying to keep her prisoner in her own home is unforgivable. Also don't respond to any arguments that it's your fault or to try and pick apart the reasons why. There is no possible justification so no point and he is likely to try and manipulate and gaslight and turn it round on you. He is an adult and in control of his behaviour and presumably doesn't act like this at work and with friends and family, just someone vulnerable

Good luck OP I am sure you will be fine you have done so well. It's heartbreaking reading posts from people who have stayed in this situation years down the line - invariably everything gets worse their mental health suffers and then the man uses that as a stick to beat them with (you can't leave, they will let me keep the children etc)

Please take a friend to collect your things - including your tv

You need to contact police about the threats to our property and ideally have someone with you to collect your things. Make sure you take the only working TV, especially as you paid for it!