To ask this mum why my son wasn’t invited to party?

[OhTheDramz]

Warning..... this is going to be unnecessarily long and probably half way through I’m probably going to start working through some deep seated issues so apologies.

DS is 7. Fairly popular boy although I’ve been anxious this has been waning.... party invites dropping off, once last week he couldn’t find anyone to play with. Had popularity issues myself at school and I recognise it’s an area I feel incredibly anxious and sometimes obsessive about.

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on. Always the same eight or so people though. We have lots of play dates with boys and girls both within the group of 8 and without, although again I start getting that anxious sicky feeling if he hasn’t been asked on a play date for a few weeks.

Anyway, boy who he was very close to in reception and whose mum I am mates with had a party last weekend and didn’t invite DS. It was DSs birthday at Christmas and he did invite this boy, who couldn’t come so the mum asked DS over for a play date and they had a little cake. AFAIK although they no longer particularly play together they are mates and certainly would be on the birthday party list. DS wasn’t bothered about the party it seemed and didn’t mention it to me.

However, I just feel horrible about it. DS came to me a bit tearful last night and said he’d asked this boy why he hadn’t been invited and the boy said DS had been mean to him last year. DS couldn’t remember this and he is a child who overthinks and remembers everything (wonder where he gets it from!) and it was obviously playing on his mind.

I’m not sure whether to text the mum, just like “X was tearful last night as he’d been told he hadn’t been invited to the party as he’d been mean, he can’t remember this and I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down hard if he had” etc, flesh it out a bit but that’s the gist. This would make me feel a lot better as I don’t like to ignore uncomfortable feelings, I can’t rest unless I’ve actioned them. OTOH what’s the point, the party’s been and gone, he wasn’t invited, they obviously aren’t as close as I had thought, stop flogging dead horse etc.

This is an issue I massively struggle with. I have got a busy life and this. Is a snapshot of what I’m thinking right now today, so please don’t diagnose me with anxiety or tell me to GP. But I would appreciate advice on this issue.

No, you really can’t do that
What do you think will happen? It will achieve nothing and make you look like a pillock

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything. Your DS can’t be invited to everything and you’ll drive yourself mad trying to micro manage his friendships. Your post reads like you’re very much projecting your issues into your son!

I think you need to try and not project your own feelings and fear about son's popularity onto him. It's normal for party invites and play dates to slow down at this age as kids tend to find their own smaller friendship group. Maybe DS will be popular and maybe he won't, but you can't force either through play dates and quizzing other parents. I'd just model good friendship skills where you can and try to move on from things like the xmas party as it'll be a different issue with a different child by this time next week in all probability

It's easy to do though, my son always found it hard to make friends as a child and so did I. It's so hard to see them going through the same thing you did.

I would keep an eye on it but not necessarily say anything this time. It will likely sort itself out. I would only worry if a pattern emerges

Please don’t say anything, you’ll look ridiculous

Keep out of it. Your job is to support your son. Teach him that he might have been unintentionally mean so it’s important to take great care in how you treat people. Also that sometimes things happen that are not fair or merited, how you behave in the face of that is what is important. And also that sometimes other people want to get at you unfairly and that will happen in life.

Don’t get involved with the other kid and his mum. They are actually irrelevant to the issue really.

I probably wouldn't get involved with the other mum on this.

However I'd try to help your son to move, on, apologise to this boy, and tell him he didn't intend to be mean,

If you can't stop yourself asking rhe mum, then don't mention the party, just say your son was a bit tearful as he can't recall being mean to her son, does she have any further insight, but I really wouldn't, he is seven now, so needs to develop the skills to manage this himself.

As a parent I would be a bit hmmmm at a text like that.as you said the parties over and done with so there is nothing the other parent can do now.

Kids are very very fickle he's only 7 so I wouldn't worry about the party invites (As a mum with twins who only 1 was ever invited to parties).

You can't demand a party invite. It's often down to numbers and the childrens bestest friends that week.. if he dosnt get an invite do something fun with him instead so he will have something to talk about when there back to school.

If you can be bothered keep inviting for play days to encourage friendships but by about 8 the kids decide for themselves who there friends are rarther than who the parents want their children to be friends with.

I am sure he will be fine

Play dates slow down at this age. Kids have activities etc after school, and therefore different groups of friends too. Parents are also busy, so on that one or two nights free they don’t want play dates.

Parties also get smaller, the whole class parties wean down. He may have only been able to invite 8, and chose 4 from school and 4 from activities. You don’t know!

So no. Please don’t say anything. What answer would you be expecting? What answer couldn’t you cope with?

The key thing is they don't play together much anymore.

On that basis, it's ok that your son wasn't invited.

You say your DS wasn't bothered by not being invited. Did you say something to DS that made him ask his friend a month later why he wasn't to his party?

the overthinking is not something he 'gets' from you genetically, but I think your obsessiveness is rubbing off on your son. Get some perspective and back off, for his sake.

I understand where you’re coming from but I wouldn’t mention it to be honest. So many people find any form of ‘confrontation’ uncomfortable so I doubt you’d get an honest answer anyway.

Oh god, please don't even consider confronting the other mum about this. You'll look unhinged. Your time will be better spent helping your son become a more socially well-rounded person.

Don’t say anything whatever you do it will make everything worse and people will think you are neurotic and he will get left out even more as you will be put in the “difficult “ box by busy parents. Build his resilience these things wax and wane. Dd had few friends for a while at this age as no like minded girls in her class she played with the boys. Class mixed up she now in the thick of a massive friendship group.

I think AuntiePatricia’s post is good.

Parties get smaller and as you said your son moves around a lot and therefore

Play dates mean nothing, party invites are often a snapshot of who they play with at the time

No don't do it. But maybe invite the boy for a play date. Reignite the friendship.

My DS 7 had a party with a very strict 8 person limit. Over 2 weeks he wrote his list about 10 times, always different. I had to take the names that appeared most often.

There was one boy he DS enjoys playing with, whose mum knows I don't like him and have complained to school about. Bad behaviour, teaching swear words, racist bullying of another child. I engineered the list to exclude him, even though DS wanted him there.

Sometimes kids just write a list based on who they have played with that week. Sometimes parents influence the list. I think you need to let it go, but make a conscious effort if you want your child to be friends with this boy. You cannot judge your child on how popular they appear to be, what does it achieve? Counting invites and play dates doesn't help your child to be a kind, well adjusted little boy.

Don't do it, you will look petty and may get your feelings hurt. Kids friendships wax and wane, as they move past early infant years in school the birthday celebrations tend to dwindle to ever smaller numbers. It's just how it works.

You wouldn’t look unhinges if you sent it to me, I’d be instantly aware that you are anxious and that it’s really about you and not your son. I would be kind though. I can’t vouch for the other woman, she might be dismissive or mean.

We had a similar situation with my daughter. I noticed she wasn't getting invited to so many parties this school year. Then 2 girls had a joint party. I thought she was close to them as she spends a lot of time with them and we've often had play dates but she didn't get an invite. It seemed like most other kids in the class were invited which just made it more hurtful. She's always been invited to their parties before and always invited them to hers. I did feel really sad for her but I knew I couldn't say anything to the mums. We've often had a strict limit on party numbers due to cost and my daughter has been forced to leave out kids she would really like to invite. It's nothing against the kids as my daughter likes everyone but just the case that there has to be a cut off point. I know I would feel mortified if their mums confronted me about it!! Also you know what kids are like at this age. They're fickle and theur friendships are always changing. As an adult it seems cruel but I remember being the same. One week someone was my best friend the next week I'd gone off them. I think you should just step back and not get involved. Your son will be OK and he's lucky to have such a caring mum.

You say you like to 'action' things but sometimes doing nothing is better than doing something, and I think that is definitely the case here. Be supportive of your son, but don't badger him about it, just let it go and forget about it and hopefully your ds will forget about it too. Friendships move on very quickly at this age, just let that happen. Please don't project your anxieties onto your son!

Leave it alone, friendships at that age can be fickle. I'm sure your son will get over it in the next week or so.

I think if you want to text her at all, don’t make it about the party. Tell her about the conversation your kids had and ask if she’s aware of any issues as although your DS isn’t aware he’s been mean, seven year-olds don’t always understand how things might make other people feel. I’d think that your DS might have played with this boy obsessively for a few weeks then dropped him and that the other boy might have felt excluded by it.

You seem to have been in a group that did a LOT of playdates (I'd struggle to fit that many in!) and now they are slacking off - it may just be their age.

I also think you're projecting your own issues here. It sounds like your son is doing fine socially. He doesn't play with this particular boy much anymore. No biggie, move on.

Sending the text won't achieve anything apart from making the mum feel bad about the situation. You need to find strategies for managing your own feelings (that don't involve basically off loading them on other people).