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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask this mum why my son wasn’t invited to party?

121 replies

OhTheDramz · 12/02/2019 09:32

Warning..... this is going to be unnecessarily long and probably half way through I’m probably going to start working through some deep seated issues so apologies.

DS is 7. Fairly popular boy although I’ve been anxious this has been waning.... party invites dropping off, once last week he couldn’t find anyone to play with. Had popularity issues myself at school and I recognise it’s an area I feel incredibly anxious and sometimes obsessive about.

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on. Always the same eight or so people though. We have lots of play dates with boys and girls both within the group of 8 and without, although again I start getting that anxious sicky feeling if he hasn’t been asked on a play date for a few weeks.

Anyway, boy who he was very close to in reception and whose mum I am mates with had a party last weekend and didn’t invite DS. It was DSs birthday at Christmas and he did invite this boy, who couldn’t come so the mum asked DS over for a play date and they had a little cake. AFAIK although they no longer particularly play together they are mates and certainly would be on the birthday party list. DS wasn’t bothered about the party it seemed and didn’t mention it to me.

However, I just feel horrible about it. DS came to me a bit tearful last night and said he’d asked this boy why he hadn’t been invited and the boy said DS had been mean to him last year. DS couldn’t remember this and he is a child who overthinks and remembers everything (wonder where he gets it from!) and it was obviously playing on his mind.

I’m not sure whether to text the mum, just like “X was tearful last night as he’d been told he hadn’t been invited to the party as he’d been mean, he can’t remember this and I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down hard if he had” etc, flesh it out a bit but that’s the gist. This would make me feel a lot better as I don’t like to ignore uncomfortable feelings, I can’t rest unless I’ve actioned them. OTOH what’s the point, the party’s been and gone, he wasn’t invited, they obviously aren’t as close as I had thought, stop flogging dead horse etc.

This is an issue I massively struggle with. I have got a busy life and this. Is a snapshot of what I’m thinking right now today, so please don’t diagnose me with anxiety or tell me to GP. But I would appreciate advice on this issue.

OP posts:

bubblegumunicorn · 13/02/2019 20:57

I would leave it but I’d DS mentions it again or says the boy said he was mean again tell him to say oh I don’t remember that I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you and move on it’s far healthier to have friendships the way he does anyway I prefer to move around friends than getting too intense with one or two it can be suffocating if he seams happy and has friends then that’s great you can’t be friends with everyone even when you’re in primary school!

anniehm · 13/02/2019 21:02

As hard as it is, you can't micro manage their friendships and parties do tend to get smaller around 7 do the invites do drop off.

strawberrisc · 13/02/2019 21:22

Seriously, don’t. He’s 7. You have years of this ahead of you.

EllenMP · 13/02/2019 22:03

Don's say anything. It will not fix anything for your son and may make things worse if he drifts back to this child later. Play dates get less frequent and parties get smaller and therefore less frequent too as primary school goes on. My 11 year old DS, being an affable sort, is (I'm told) very popular, and used to go on playdates once or twice a week when he 5-7 years old. Parents always praised his good humour and manners. But he has had about three playdates this year (year 6.) I think it's completely normal for parents to stop bothering as the kids get older. I've certainly stopped bothering to get other kids round after school completely. Stop projecting your insecurities and help him understand that drifting from group to group is fine if it suits him, but the children he stops playing with may take it wrong so he needs to be a little sensitive to their feelings.

Catsinthecupboard · 13/02/2019 22:09

Am i the only one who noticed OP's:

". . I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down HARD if he had”

HARD? just how hard? That seems wrong a couple ways.

Maybe in your distress. OP, you're over emphasizing what you would do?

Talking to him should be enough. Please find an appropriate outlet for your distress, and let your son find a balance with friends. don't push your crazy onto him.

My dc are young adults now and trust me, this is small potatoes in the future.

Also, popularity in school is no guarantee for success as a happy adult.

Good social skills are important, but so far, i haven't seen that the popular children are far better off now than dc who had a few good friends. In fact, in some ways, they are having a tougher time bc they lack the skills to deal with adversity and unpopularity. Popular children have it easier in school so big world is quite a shock. ( i have one popular and one few good friends dc.)

pollymere · 13/02/2019 22:50

I would talk to your son's class teacher and get to the bottom of what's happening. This is an age where kids start developing loyalty in friendship groups so might not like him swapping all the time. Definitely something under all of this (could be a new student who's been spreading lies too).

manicmij · 13/02/2019 23:00

You can't control what other kids do and think. Friendships come and go at that age so leave well alone. Perhaps you and your son need to realise as hard as it is, you can't be friends with everyone.

CherryPavlova · 13/02/2019 23:00

I think you need to back off from over zealous investment in his friendships. They are his to learn from and negotiate. You cant change your experience by manipulating his.
Let him sort himself out.

Sowing747 · 13/02/2019 23:19

OP to pick up on what Catsinthecupboard said, IME it's the children who sort of ploughed their own path at school that ended up doing really well.

A lot of the popular kids seemed to concentrate on being just that, and ended up being rather mediocre versions of themselves in later life.

So don't worry too much at this stage is what I'm saying really.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2019 23:59

What Catsin cupboard said. I would also add that your son wasn't worried about not being invited and so you should drop it. But also... he doesn't remember being mean to this other boy. You only have the other boy's word for it. He could just be saying that because it sounds like your son did not bring this up, the other boy did and the last thing I would do is promise the mother who had excluded my son from a party that I would come down hard on my own son. Why? you certainly don't owe her an explaination. She's been petty, she could have got the two together and tried to work things out. I I would just avoid her and increase your son's time with people who do appreciate him. Excluding people is mean, particularly if its something that happened about six months ago. Also. Lots of people have said try not to worry about it all so much and I think this is good advice. Maybe find some afterschool activities that your son will enjoy and will take the emphasis off the playground. Good luck.

winniestone37 · 14/02/2019 08:57

Oh gosh bless you, it's horrible to see them sad and you have to validate their feelings and let them feel them. However he will take his lead from you and you tell him sometimes people can't invite everyone. It's not a big deal. Your son needs to know he is valuable and important no matter what. An extreme and emotional reaction from you will feed into his worst fears. He'll be fine. Don't say anything and don't be angry, maybe the mum let her skn choose guests and he didn't choose your son, they're small children, it's not really personal.

Sowing747 · 14/02/2019 09:13

Earlier this week my DD12 had a boy from her new school over for a play date.

He was a lovely, sweet boy and I hope their friendship continues, however I noticed that he was surprisingly negative about his life and kept making comments about how lucky my DD was.

There's not a huge difference in our circumstances, but when the mum came to pick up I had a brief chat with her and me and my DH concluded later that he must get it from her, as she was very familiar and over-sharing emotional stuff considering we'd just met.

I would definitely step back.

DisappearingGirl · 14/02/2019 10:46

You sound very like me OP - I was bullied and excluded at school and I sometimes tie myself in knots trying too make sure I never exclude anyone! On the plus side, you are clearly a kind and thoughtful person.

But I agree with others saying don't say anything. It probably wasn't malicious.

Just a thought as well - when the boy said "you were mean to me last year" maybe this was a white lie as he was put on the spot? Maybe he thought this was better then saying "I was only allowed six and didn't happen to choose you" or whatever. So I think it would be a bit unfair to both the boy and his mum to pursue it further.

I think you're doing well too recognise that it's probably your own issues at play here. It's hard to know where the line is where you DO need to get involved. I don't think this is it though! Good luck

wingsanddreams · 14/02/2019 11:43

You need to build some resilience... Life is tough.

Lizzie48 · 14/02/2019 12:38

I've been through a similar situation recently. My DD2 wasn't invited to a bowling party for a classmate whose parties she's always been invited to in the past. But I'm now planning her party and she's only inviting a few friends too, and she didn't even mention this classmate's name at all.

They're just not close. This girl's older sister is my DD1's best friend, but it doesn't follow that she'll be friends with DD2. There has been the tricky fact that she's allergic to cats and we have 4, so it's never been possible to arrange play dates.

riceuten · 14/02/2019 14:20

You could, but I wouldn't advise it. Sadly, some parents and some children are arses, and it probably behoves your child to realise that and react accordingly - the very essence of the school of hard knocks. Think whether doing so would help in any way, shape or form - unlikely.

strawberrisc · 14/02/2019 15:00

I would talk to your son's class teacher and get to the bottom of what's happening.

Really?

expat101 · 14/02/2019 20:57

Many years ago as a first time Mum I was given the advice by a neighbour who had adult children who said she never got involved in her kids arguments as inevitability the kids sorted it out long before the Mothers ever did. Its been my experience this is so true! I totally understand you want to go in to bat for your Son and fix things from his point of view, but the other party might have an alternative point of view and never shall they agree! the communications will only become nasty (as the written word fairly frequently is mis interpreted) and a bigger divide will result.

Unfortunately it won't be the first time your Son (or any of our children for that matter) face rejection by peers and it hurts to see them hurt. However there is nothing we can do to repair things as after the fact bystanders.

Help you Son move on with other interest and hobbies perhaps away from the school environment. My daughter is in the working world now and has only 1 friend left from school, and several from university. there is life outside of the school circle.

mrcharlie · 14/02/2019 21:09

A few years ago a boy in my sons class had a big party. Every boy in the class was invited except for my son. When I arrived at the school all those invited were jumping around ( I think a stretch limo had been hired). My son came out of the classroom and saw ALL his "friends" giggling excitedly ready for the party...It was an horrific experience for both him and myself.
We took him to the cinema, then afterwards McD's.
He's forgotten, but I haven't.

Dieu · 14/02/2019 21:25

You need to help your son build his resilience levels, and stop projecting your own issues onto him.
Not always easy, I know.

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 09:29

I would move on from this incident, I'm sure they will be friends again in a few months and then friendship groups are rotated again. Thats what happened with my school friendships happened and it still does happen in playgrounds. Its just how it us. I wouldn't take this to heart, it's a case of 'you know what kids are like' and even though if I was that other mum I would've invited your son as leaving someone out us not kind, maybe other mum doesn't wear the trousers and the little kid went into meltdown about not getting his way so your son wasnt invited? I would advise to grow a thick skin though, friendship fall outs get worse as we get older as I'm sure you know, we all do.

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