To ask this mum why my son wasn’t invited to party?

[OhTheDramz]

Warning..... this is going to be unnecessarily long and probably half way through I’m probably going to start working through some deep seated issues so apologies.

DS is 7. Fairly popular boy although I’ve been anxious this has been waning.... party invites dropping off, once last week he couldn’t find anyone to play with. Had popularity issues myself at school and I recognise it’s an area I feel incredibly anxious and sometimes obsessive about.

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on. Always the same eight or so people though. We have lots of play dates with boys and girls both within the group of 8 and without, although again I start getting that anxious sicky feeling if he hasn’t been asked on a play date for a few weeks.

Anyway, boy who he was very close to in reception and whose mum I am mates with had a party last weekend and didn’t invite DS. It was DSs birthday at Christmas and he did invite this boy, who couldn’t come so the mum asked DS over for a play date and they had a little cake. AFAIK although they no longer particularly play together they are mates and certainly would be on the birthday party list. DS wasn’t bothered about the party it seemed and didn’t mention it to me.

However, I just feel horrible about it. DS came to me a bit tearful last night and said he’d asked this boy why he hadn’t been invited and the boy said DS had been mean to him last year. DS couldn’t remember this and he is a child who overthinks and remembers everything (wonder where he gets it from!) and it was obviously playing on his mind.

I’m not sure whether to text the mum, just like “X was tearful last night as he’d been told he hadn’t been invited to the party as he’d been mean, he can’t remember this and I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down hard if he had” etc, flesh it out a bit but that’s the gist. This would make me feel a lot better as I don’t like to ignore uncomfortable feelings, I can’t rest unless I’ve actioned them. OTOH what’s the point, the party’s been and gone, he wasn’t invited, they obviously aren’t as close as I had thought, stop flogging dead horse etc.

This is an issue I massively struggle with. I have got a busy life and this. Is a snapshot of what I’m thinking right now today, so please don’t diagnose me with anxiety or tell me to GP. But I would appreciate advice on this issue.

Your son and this boy don't seem to be friends do you really want your son at a party of a non friend just so he is popular ? You need to let this go your son seems to flit about the class groups and that is ok he doesn't need to be invited to every party usually by this age the class parties scale down you need to help your son negociate this. Oh and don't send that text

Only ask if you’re sure you want to hear the answer. That goes for everything in life, not just your son not being invited to a party.

You sound massively entitled. Maybe mum could only afford to host 4 children, maybe your child is mean to her son or maybe your child is not as popular as you believe. As I said, ask why he wasn’t invited, but be prepared for an answer you may not like. Alternatively, get a grip and join the adults in the real word.

I think playdates cause too much angst for you he plays at school you don't need to be worrying about playdates kindly mean but calm down.

The best you will achieve is a pity invite. Do you really want that?

Take a big step back from your dc's friendships.

Please don't text parents about any problem your child and his friend may be having. I have been on the receiving end of several texts, 'friendly' ones like yours included and I read between the lines and think wth

Parents are busy. Children need to have freedom to experiment with friendships. Encourage friendly behaviour in your own dc but don't approach others.

When your child's feelings are hurt it hurts you to see them feeling like that so I understand. However please do not over analyse this and contact the other mum. As has already been said your job is to built resilience in your son and he needs to understand that disappointments are part of life and he will not be invited or be part of everything. When it happens again do not make a big thing of it in front of your son even though you feel hurt on his behalf. If you minimise it he will not focus on it either

Don't message.

Parties get smaller as they get older. While the boys may get along there may be others that he's more friendly with. The fact that the boy was invited to your son's party is neither here nor there. Different party, different numbers. It's possible that this incident of meanness was an excuse that the boy came up with off the top of his head. School is a very claustrophobic setting so I bet that all kids have inadvertently annoyed others.

Let it go or you'll give your son a further complex.

Please don't mention it to the other mum. It really will be cringeworthy and make you look entitled and/or unhinged.
You really need to calm down and stop projecting your own insecurities onto your son. You'll bring about the very thing you're so sensitive about and trying to avoid, if you start confronting other parents about the perceived sleights/rejections of your son.
Kids friendships often do chop and change throughout their childhood, -and often on a weekly or even daily basis! Accept it for what it is, and help your son lern to manage his own friendships in a positive way.

You're son doesn't seem to have loyalty to his friends if he's picking up and dropping them, he can hardly expect to be priority for all the people he picks up and dumps.

my eldest just turned 7. Parties slow down this year... no one is doing all class parties and even we only asked 6 girls... other parties have been just 5 to 10 kids...
don't text

This happened with my dd although she was singled out by the leader of the group of girls. Whilst party girl invited everyone but my dd, I didn’t have problem with her not being invited it was likely on a day I was working I had an issue the nastiness that she endured with you might come if you do this or don’t play with her. As it turned out she was deliberately excluded my dd getting everyone to run away from her and if she played with anyone else she was even nastier to her. She was told she wasn’t allowed to play with anyone else. I didn’t speak to the mum but I told my 5 year old to distance herself if her “friend” was being unkind and to play with those who wanted to play with her.

Kids parties are purgatory! I am happy if my children aren't invited!
Kids change friends daily. I think you're projecting onto him and kids often mirror their parents.
Must be hard for you, given your experiences- but you cannot control or micro manage friendships for your son.
If he's not got anyone to play with regularly,
Speak to the teacher.

If you wanted to be really nonchalant about it and say something along the lines "its not a problem at all that he wasn't invited to the party, I just wanted to make sure they weren't having problems as DS said friend said DS was mean to him and I was concerned there was something happening."

You can't say he was tearful about not being invited as that isn't the issue.

Always leave this for the children to sort out among themselves, unless you notice a pattern of bullying.

Relationships change and it's likely that your own son has dropped the group with this boy and moved on to another, or did something that the other boy didn't like and he doesn't even realise.

My son always asked whoever he wanted to his parties and I'd be if another parent asked me why their child wasn't invited.

Just tell your son that sometimes we like other people more than they like us. It's possible that they had limited numbers and your son wasn't among that number. It might have changed if the birthday was next week.

Having said that, I might want to know if my child was treating the other boy well enough. But "mean" could simply be "didn't want to play with me".

I agree this is about you not him. Your DS sounds quite normal. Don't say anything or send any texts.

I know something of how this can feel - My dd was popular enough in Primary. However there were plenty of times she wasn't invited on birthdays (as the numbers get smaller). We didn't really did go massively into playdates though.

At Secondary, she went to a school where she knew no-one. She struggled to find friends the first 6 months. I tried not to let my anxiety about this show and just listened and supported. She did find a nice group of friends.

However she's 14 this week and for the first time ever she only wants to go out for milkshakes with one close friend. This irked me, but she explained that she didn't want the social pressure of 'choosing' people to ask and then having them post it all over Instragram and then her having to explain to people who she genuinely likes why they weren't invited. She's genuinely more relaxed not doing the whole birthday thing this year.

I used to worry constantly that she's not the most popular person. However, I've massively backed off now and let her be. She has a nice little group of friends and seems happy enough.

Try and relax OP. It will work out fine.

I find DD has been invited to a lot fewer parties this time around, she is also 7, and I think it's because most people can't afford can't be bothered to throw a party every year.

We've done parties in Nursery, Reception and Year 1 but by year 2 everyone is fed up of them and tends to do family stuff. We took DD to the pictures and Pizza Hut and she's been to 2 parties this year as opposed to about 6 last year.

Don't worry too much, at this age their friendships are fleeting and they don't really care who they play with on a day to day basis.

You could alway invite the boy who DS has been "mean" to to a play date and see if you can mend the bridge (that may or may not have been broken)

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on.

I think thats your answer.If hes not playing with the boys when the birthday comes around,that could be one of the reasons hes not getting invited.

Dont project your insecurities on your kid,he will find his feet eventually.

For goodness sake don’t contact the mother.

Children need to develop resilience in life, and this a great opportunity to explain to your son that for all sorts of reasons, not everybody can be invited to everything, and that’s fine.

Bright and breezy is the way to go. Do not pass on your FOMO to your son, it won’t do him any favours in life.

If your son is a ‘flighty’ friend then he is on the peripheral of all the friendship groups. And it’s friends like that don’t make the cut when it comes to parties getting smaller.

Invite boy and mum over for a play date.

Thanks very much for your replies. Some of them have been really perceptive and got right to the heart of the matter. Of course this is all a projection of my own childhood hurt and upsets. I have realised this and often verbalise that to my very closest friends so they know why I am being a bit mad occasionally (and they in turn have their own Achilles heels). My own problem is that I am very very inclusive to avoid any hurt feelings at all, my DS is constantly being told to invite this one and that one who he doesn’t play with. He’s fine with it but then I expect the same back and it doesn’t come, understandably. It affects my own social life, I’m often inviting masses of people round so as not to hurt feelings.

Anyway, I definitely won’t text her. I have been wondering for a while if she’s trying to cool our mateship a bit too, so I will take the hint.

I'd leave well alone - if you don;t make a big thing of it your DS won't think it is a big thing - kids have smaller parties at this age, there will be other parties he isn't invited to and others that he will.

Chances are it was to do with numbers, you say your DS asked the other boy why he wasn't invited - the other boy probably felt put on the spot, especially if your Ds was quite persistant in asking him, he probably said 'you were mean' to come up with a reason because he was asked.

Leave the other Mum alone - she doesn;t have to answer to the parents of every child who wasn't invited (imagine if she had the Mother of every child in the class who wasn't invited on the phone complaining)

Just tell your son never mind, there will be other parties, teach him how to shrug off minor things and not over think and he will learn to cope better with the big things. Over thinking is not a happy place to be (I know from experience) and can only lead to him being avoided - especially if other Mothers think you will be on the phone for every little thing that is said between children.

The flitting between friendship groups sounds as if it might be a reason - he seems to be going for the game being played rather than the people involved - so possibly no one considers him a close friend that you do everything with, more of a play mate for specific games.

That might be something you could discuss with him (although in itself there's nothing wrong with playing in that way just that others might not have him in mind when they think about who they invite to parties because he drifts in and out of groups)

Well maybe take a leaf out of their book and let your son just pick his friends he wants there.

It is so hard OP isn't it? Parenting definitely brings out our own concerns and worries. Sounds like you've made the right decision and helping your son deal with these upsets in life without needing to know all the reasons they happen will be such a gift to him.

My dd has a very good friend. The family adores dd but they've only ever invited her to 1 party out of the 5 of so they've had since being friends. DD invites this friend to every party. I've never asked but I know they have a different circle (different schools for the last couple years) and as they are older often do things with a small circle of friends who all know each other - my dd doesn't but that's very common as kids get older. My dd notices it but says it doesn't impact her, slight disappointment but she is okay with it. I wish I had her wisdom because like you I overthink and want to put things right. I've really come to see sometimes there's nothing wrong and there will be other reasons you aren't included in things in life. It's always good to be able to notice and move on.

Glad you feel better. Party invites/exclusions is more stressful than I think any of us ever thought about before becoming parents.

As with all the PPs, I don't think you can fix this. You would probably do better to find a way to help him deal with the hurt feelings.

DS1 was one of those 'peripheral friends' Yougotdis describes. Got on with everybody at primary school, but didn't get invited to the smaller parties.

If he was feeling a bit left out or lonely after a falling out with friends, I used to declare a baking day and we'd bake a cake or biscuits together that weekend. He's 16 now and very much found his tribe at senior school. He told me a couple of days ago how much he had loved the cheer-up baking days and how it made everything feel better.

I think you made the right call. At 7 I don't think it's that usual to invite kids outside of immediate class to parties anyway, even if they were in the same reception class. I don't think any slight was intended.