To ask this mum why my son wasn’t invited to party?

[OhTheDramz]

Warning..... this is going to be unnecessarily long and probably half way through I’m probably going to start working through some deep seated issues so apologies.

DS is 7. Fairly popular boy although I’ve been anxious this has been waning.... party invites dropping off, once last week he couldn’t find anyone to play with. Had popularity issues myself at school and I recognise it’s an area I feel incredibly anxious and sometimes obsessive about.

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on. Always the same eight or so people though. We have lots of play dates with boys and girls both within the group of 8 and without, although again I start getting that anxious sicky feeling if he hasn’t been asked on a play date for a few weeks.

Anyway, boy who he was very close to in reception and whose mum I am mates with had a party last weekend and didn’t invite DS. It was DSs birthday at Christmas and he did invite this boy, who couldn’t come so the mum asked DS over for a play date and they had a little cake. AFAIK although they no longer particularly play together they are mates and certainly would be on the birthday party list. DS wasn’t bothered about the party it seemed and didn’t mention it to me.

However, I just feel horrible about it. DS came to me a bit tearful last night and said he’d asked this boy why he hadn’t been invited and the boy said DS had been mean to him last year. DS couldn’t remember this and he is a child who overthinks and remembers everything (wonder where he gets it from!) and it was obviously playing on his mind.

I’m not sure whether to text the mum, just like “X was tearful last night as he’d been told he hadn’t been invited to the party as he’d been mean, he can’t remember this and I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down hard if he had” etc, flesh it out a bit but that’s the gist. This would make me feel a lot better as I don’t like to ignore uncomfortable feelings, I can’t rest unless I’ve actioned them. OTOH what’s the point, the party’s been and gone, he wasn’t invited, they obviously aren’t as close as I had thought, stop flogging dead horse etc.

This is an issue I massively struggle with. I have got a busy life and this. Is a snapshot of what I’m thinking right now today, so please don’t diagnose me with anxiety or tell me to GP. But I would appreciate advice on this issue.

It is sad for your ds, but as you said, he does not play with this boy now, maybe he had a small party with a few kids. Put a smile on your face and move on, you have to model healthy behaviour for your ds. If you are down and fixated on it, he will be.

Your anxieties might be making you over enthusiastic about everything and that can come over as overbearing and can be a bit intimidating for some,btw I am not critising just a thought.

You have said that you invite lots of kids so as not to offend, you have to invite the kids that your ds wants only, it is his party and not some point proving mission.

I would also say though-if your son does decide to ask the boy around to play at some point-do let him.

@OhTheDramz - I agree with the other posters who have advised not contacting the other mum about the party.

However, I do wonder whether it might be worth while contacting her to say that her ds has told your ds that your ds was mean to him, and that you and your ds are both worried about this, and want to sort it out.

I would say something along these lines - George is her ds, Fred is yours:

"Hi Friend,

George has told Fred that Fred was mean to him last year, and upset him. Fred and I would both like to sort this out - he was very sad at the thought he'd hurt his friend - he can't remember being mean to George, and wouldn't hurt him on purpose. Could you and I help the boys talk it through, so Fred can understand what he did wrong, and apologise to George?

OhTheDramz xxx"

I know how you feel, OP. My DD1 (now 9) has always struggled with friendships and she never gets invited to parties or play dates. It's hard; I know that she isn't very good at recognising social cues, so she can be hard work at times. (She has SEN and adoption related attachment issues.) She has a lovely best friend at school, though.

It won't do any good to ask the other mum why your DS wasn't invited, though, and I'm glad you've decided against doing that.

Interesting side debate on whether to allow 7yos to choose who attends their party, including a PP who let her daughter NOT invite her 3 'best friends'. As a parent, I think we do need to give some guidance/ suggestion for potential invitees and not just go on who they're playing with that week. It's not an adult's wedding reception! (Yes, they can invite who they like).

OP I think you are lovely to be inclusive at parties and hopefully it will teach your ds to be inclusive and kind to others as he gets older.

To be honest, I wouldn't mention the 'unkind' thing as it obviously is linked to the lack of invitation and could come across as PA. It is way too late to deal with it now.

Have you asked his teacher how he is social wise at school? He/she might have some insights that would help him make better friendships.

Of course this is all a projection of my own childhood hurt and upsets. I have realised this and often verbalise that to my very closest friends so they know why I am being a bit mad occasionally (and they in turn have their own Achilles heels)

Yes but you need to stop doing it.

It's all well and good understanding yourself and it's nice that your friends recognise it too.

But it needs to end because the rest of your son's school life, will not involve your friends and even if it did, you risk turning your son into someone less resilient about these things than he could otherwise be.

I would not contact and I would just let your friendship drift. If any mean issues surface you can be in touch but if she was bothered your DS would have been there.
I had similar: DS invited his friend to his party. The Mum was really OTT sending three texts about how much her son had enjoyed it, how sorry she was they were 45 mins late picking up. And. Who. Did. The. Party. I gave her the supplier’s info. Two weeks later her DS has a party. Doesn’t invite my DS. Highest CF’ery I’ve seen for a while. Can’t bring myself to even fake a smile now. Haven’t confronted but her feelings are clear. Jog on I say.

I once received a text from the mum of a girl in my daughter's class telling me her daughter was upset to not have been invited to my daughter's party. She had chosen 4 friends to take out for pizza so not exactly a huge party. I avoided that parent like the plague from then onwards, it was so ridiculous and unnecessary. Please don't send the text!

My DD had 1 very very close friend between ages 4-6. They had a huge fall-out when they were 6.5 yrs old. It was very upsetting and uncomfortable (esp as we were friends with the other girl's parents). Turned out this other girl was totally claiming my DD (her only friend at the time) and my DD felt she no longer wanted to be "owned" by this girl. We carried on inviting this girl to DD's parties, but stopped inviting her at 8th Bday party. It was fine, we didn't speak to the parents about it, and we didn't want to invite kids our DD doesn't hang out with - it would feel a bit "false'. And you know what - it's fine like it is. The parents of the other girl, well, we are no longer friends with - we as parents (both sides) got too involved (in what turned out to be natural progression in terms who your child wants to play with), we still have to face these parents daily at school drop-off. Long story short: don't get involved, your DS still has some years left at school with this boy, you still have to face his parents. Don't make the mistake we made, it really is not worth the anguish.

No. Children need to learn to negotiate their social relationships without parental interference

I’d actually go against the grain here ( and be flamed for it) but I’d definitely ask the other mum about the non invite... yes they’re only 7 years old but believe me this is where they establish friendships. Is your son ASD? I only ask because of the repetition of his game play? Obsessively playing the same games etc.. I’m a teaching assistant that works solely with ASD children. I’m sorry if I’m way off the mark here.

What confusedbeetle said. This is a good article

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jan/10/by-mollycoddling-our-children-were-fuelling-mental-illness-in-teenagers?CMP=sharebtnnfb&fbclid=IwAR0Fj0M5LD67dhPbz6T7AJxXrcM8YcX6QGgcHEf4TFP2W-mKeR8OwEsf6M

No don’t message, my daughter is very popular in her class however I know of 3 parties already she’s not been invited to as I’m friends with the mums, they let their kids pick and she wasn’t chosen so be it. The way I see it less money for me to spend that I could really do without 🤷‍♀️ Did you meantion it to your child as you say he didn’t seem bothered but then his gone on to ask why no invite?

Mycat did you miss the bit where after a few weeks he plays something else with other kids?

Completely normal behaviour for many kids.

To be fair I'd question the other Mother because kids at this age don't remember grievances with other kids for long. The mum is obviously remembering something your son did which was never raised to OP. The other mum is definitely holding something against your son. I'd let it go though as most kids can only invite 8 people or so to a party.

At that age the party numbers are usually dropping and it does effect who's invited.

Dd1 had a best friend in another form, but was generally friendly with most in her form. In Year R and 1 she got invited to nearly everyone's parties, including from the other form. Even those that she hardly spoke to at all. I think she was a safe invitee in that she played a bit with lots of people, and was generally nice, so when parents said "one more" they mentioned her.
In year 2-3 invites tailed off and by year 4 she only really had best friend and very occasional others, never more than 1 a year.

Dd2 had 2 best friends, and another 2-4 that were in the outside group and hardly moved groups from preschool. In year R-1 she got invites to those parties and not many others, because she didn't mix, so maximum 6 parties where dd1 had 40+.
However in year 2+ she still got invited to her best friend's parties so stayed with 6 parties a year.

I suspect your ds is similar to dd1. He was number 9-10 on party lists of a lot of people. So when they had big parties, he got invited. Now they've moved to smaller parties and he's still number 9-10 on the list but they're only inviting 6, so he doesn't make the cut.
Dd2 otoh was usually 1-2 on the party lists or not on at all, so she continued being invited to the ones she always had done.

Parties and play dates tend to tail off a lot after about 7 or 8. The parties move from the house or village hall to bowling or paintball where only 7-8 are invited. The boys arent particularly close any more, your son isn’t that bothered, and even if he is, the birthday boy is perfectly entitled to invite whoever he wants to the party without having to face the Spanish Inquisition about it.

An invitation to a party is a privilege, not a right, and to be honest if a mum texted me wanting to know why her kid wasn’t invited to a party I’d think she was batshit crazy. Parties and friends come and go at that age, and while you’re stressing your son will have forgotten about it and be running round the playground with that friend and a pile of others. This WILL happen again. Sometimes it will hurt, sometimes it won’t, and sometimes it will be a relief!

It’s so tough op, but you really can’t chose his friends (or amount of friends) for him. It’s not fair. By pushing him to invite kids round that he hasn’t asked for himself will only end in disappointment...mainly for you. I’m sorry this is playing on your mind, it’s so tough.

OP, you said yourself that your ds moves on from groups of boys he has been playing with after a while: would you expect an irate message from the other mums every time your ds has decided he doesn't want to play with them any more? And would you make him change and carry on playing with the first group?

I think your anxiety is really causing you to over-blow the situation for starters. Kids don't always ask every friend and friendships wax and wane so it could just be in a waning moment. Probably nothing personal, they can be a fickle.

Secondly, I think you need to find out honestly whether your son IS actually mean. I got a couple of (lovely) friends whose boys are mean little shits and they apparently don't know this. One in particular thinks the sun shines out of her son's arse but he's seriously nasty and unpleasant. I maintain the friendships but avoid all contact with the kids and have dropped them off any party or play date lists.

I'm not saying this is the issue but it would be worth observing carefully or talking to some close friends to see if this is the case.

awful typing - sorry!