To ask this mum why my son wasn’t invited to party?

[OhTheDramz]

Warning..... this is going to be unnecessarily long and probably half way through I’m probably going to start working through some deep seated issues so apologies.

DS is 7. Fairly popular boy although I’ve been anxious this has been waning.... party invites dropping off, once last week he couldn’t find anyone to play with. Had popularity issues myself at school and I recognise it’s an area I feel incredibly anxious and sometimes obsessive about.

DS tends to obsessively play the same game with a small group for a couple of weeks then move on to another group for a couple of weeks. This is driven by him, he just moves on. Always the same eight or so people though. We have lots of play dates with boys and girls both within the group of 8 and without, although again I start getting that anxious sicky feeling if he hasn’t been asked on a play date for a few weeks.

Anyway, boy who he was very close to in reception and whose mum I am mates with had a party last weekend and didn’t invite DS. It was DSs birthday at Christmas and he did invite this boy, who couldn’t come so the mum asked DS over for a play date and they had a little cake. AFAIK although they no longer particularly play together they are mates and certainly would be on the birthday party list. DS wasn’t bothered about the party it seemed and didn’t mention it to me.

However, I just feel horrible about it. DS came to me a bit tearful last night and said he’d asked this boy why he hadn’t been invited and the boy said DS had been mean to him last year. DS couldn’t remember this and he is a child who overthinks and remembers everything (wonder where he gets it from!) and it was obviously playing on his mind.

I’m not sure whether to text the mum, just like “X was tearful last night as he’d been told he hadn’t been invited to the party as he’d been mean, he can’t remember this and I just wanted to make sure X isn’t being unkind to your boy, as I would come down hard if he had” etc, flesh it out a bit but that’s the gist. This would make me feel a lot better as I don’t like to ignore uncomfortable feelings, I can’t rest unless I’ve actioned them. OTOH what’s the point, the party’s been and gone, he wasn’t invited, they obviously aren’t as close as I had thought, stop flogging dead horse etc.

This is an issue I massively struggle with. I have got a busy life and this. Is a snapshot of what I’m thinking right now today, so please don’t diagnose me with anxiety or tell me to GP. But I would appreciate advice on this issue.

Please don't do this. It can only make things worse.

The thing is is that you are not really wanting to find out if your son has been unkind and tell him off for it, you are obsessed with his being liked and the most popular boy. You want to now why this boy/his mum dared to not invite your child to the birthday party. Maybe it was a small party with five or six friends and your son isn't in his closest friendship circle. He isn't going to be invited to everything and this will happen more and more as he grows up and friendships change and people move in and out, so I think for your own sanity you need to try to deal with these issues sooner rather than later. In my experience, nice people are not friendless so teach your son to be nice and kind, as you no doubt already are, and he will find a lovely group of friends.

I'm still (secretly) smarting about a party that my DS wasn't invited to in Year 2 and he's now in Year 7, so I totally get how you feel! I'm glad I didn't ask the mum why though, as friendships change and evolve, and he and the party kid ended up being best friends for a couple of years in Juniors so it would have been awkward if I'd made a thing of it. I get very, very socially anxious on my son's behalf because I had problems at school, but all the issues he's had have blown over without my interference and the one time I did interfere it made it worse. It's hard though!!

No seriously, just let it go. Encourage your DS to be kind to everyone and include all who want to play with him in games.
Also make it clear to him that not everyone is best friends with everyone else, friendships often strengthen then weaken then strengthen again and that’s ok.

Please please please keep your own anxiety and overthinking under control around him. Yes he may be a natuatally anxious child but it will only help him to see you more laid back and breezy, even if it’s faked.

Children absolutely pick up in and model their own behaviour on their parents moods.

I cut out a big bit of the post, an anecdote of how a friend’s anxiety had hugely affected her DC but as much as it was to demonstrate how important it is not to project your anxiety on to DC it probably won’t help you to read.

Keep using MN as a sounding board if you have dilemmas like this in future, it can really help to get objective opinions, we all get caught up in thinking about our own stuff too intensely.

You’re friendly with the Mum, why not ask her to meet you for a coffee and tell her you’re worried about DS. Explain as you have here. I’d want to help you 💐☕️

Do you think that you may be projecting your own anxious feelings/childhood (popularity) issues onto your son?

Serendipity! My child is older than yours but going through similar - although the child’s mother has said to offspring that mine is a ‘chav’ - so pleased I didn’t contact her to hear that! It’s a vile word & it’s made me relieved my child isn’t mixing with people like that! Reverse snobbery I know! I’ve just read this www.everythingiwishiknew.com/family-relationshipsblog/how-to-coach-your-child-through-friendship-issues which just talks about how to help your child cope with it all.

I think you need to get help with your anxiety.

Op can I put another spin on things? Maybe its nothing to do with your son at all,and the reason this maybe the case is I am a busy mum (like we all are!)and I am always the last one dropping off on a morning and the last one running in at pick up..I do support school and my daughter from a distance but I only know anything about my daughters friends from what she tells me and I admit sometimes I am only half listening!I am one of those mothers! I do know however she changes friends like the wind changes direction and I cant keep up! She is 7 too!When we had her last party I sat down with her and said right lets do the invites ...she reeled off a bunch of names and off they went with her to school,I did not know the mums or the kids of whom she had invited I just went with what she told me.What i am really trying to say I suppose is not all mums are perfect,not all mums are invested to a point of knowing everyone or everything ,,mums like me who are trying on a daily basis to hold back the tide and work and run homes and just seem to be running constantly.If i forgot a child it would be cos I didnt know from my own child.It will not be malicious or be intended to be hurtful in any way its just what it is.Its a party a kids party in the grand scheme of things its nothing out of the ordinary,,,,I get as parents we maybe should know but sometimes things slip through the net,In all honesty there is so much going on in my life right now,some good some bad I dont know which day of the week I am on most days and at the minute I cant slow down or care to be honest if I have slipped up with anything maybe the other mum is the same? There are millions of us who are!! Please dont get upset over such a tiny thing cos I am sure no offence was intended by the other mum.

OP, this is coming from someone who mentally sticks her fingers up at children who have been mean to my DD or invited the “all the girls” but left her out etc, so I do get it!
You are way way way overthinking all of this. First of all, don’t say anything. Secondly chill out on the internal worrying about play dates and friends and popularity. Again, I do get it but you need to stop projecting or you’ll make your DS fret too.

A lot of children don’t play date at all, some have friends on the road, siblings or activities. It’s so easy to get swept up in micromanaging these things but loosen up and let things just happen as they’re supposed to. It all sounds very regimented.

though, cos it is shit.

You say that your son moves between groups of friends-perhaps he had moved away from this other boy at the time & the boy was hurt by it?

If your son isn't bothered about flitting between friends then he can't be surprised if he is also dropped.

I really would not recommend you projecting your own childhood insecurities onto your son.

You said yourself he wasn’t bothered by the party initially, so by raising it you have made him feel worried unnecessarily.

A bright and breezy ‘there will be other parties, no one is invited to everything’ would be the right reply. Reminding him he is very good at moving around, and having lots of friends.

I would not contact the other morher, it might make you feel better for all of 5 minutes but you will cause bad feeling.

She doesn’t have to invite your son, they are not great friends for years. If it wasn’t a whole class party then really I would not give it another thought. Children change friends a lot, stop worrying, stay out of it and all will be well

against the grain I would suggest to mention the mum in passing that your kid was sad not to be invited but face to face not by text.

So what are you going to do when your child runs into real friendship problems like one of mine has? You do sound very fixed that your son has to be popular, and you are feeling ill if he isn't! Also not everyone can be really popular, even if you want them to be.

Your son is doing fine, he's a bit upset, don't let it become 'a thing'.

I think you are projecting how you felt as a child onto him.

Kids do change friends and games all the time, it's fine. He needs to become resilient and realise that you can't be invited to everything and it's not always a personal attack.

I also think you're projecting your own issues here and way overthinking.

I have never thought about why my DD has not been invited to a party or more playdates and I have taught her that it is OK not to like everyone and its OK if someone does not like her. That's life. She seems to understand this and the fall outs between school friends don't seem to bother her (Year 3).

No don’t do that. You will cringe later believe me.

I agree with PPs who say you need to stop projecting onto your son.

It's quite telling that you seem far more concerned about his lack of party invite and play dates dropping off a bit, than the fact he appears to have upset a friend.

You kneed to let it go because friendships change all the time as they get older and so do party invites.

I can sympathize with you, OP. It's hard when they were close but aren't really anymore. I too had no friends through school until I was in 6th form (moved too often) and it's something I hey schmucks about for my kids. I have one very popular child, but the other two are quite introverted. It makes me worry, but I'm learning as they get older (10 and 13) to accept them for who they are, and what they enjoy. They are both 1-2 friends type of people, very loyal, not 'popular' but very lovely anyway.

If your ds wasn't upset about the party, you should have let it lie. I think you also felt personally rejected. I'd definitely restrain yourself from the text. It's a bit high maintenance. Maybe they'll be friends again, maybe not. There friendship was there, now it isn't. It's ok. That's how it goes.

If you sent me a text asking me why based on your post I would ask would my child invite yours? They don't play together. They may have been mates in reception, but come on, that's years ago. People move on.

They are more involved from this age about who they invite or don't invite. It's not like year 1 and below where some parents influence invites.

against the grain I would suggest to mention the mum in passing that your kid was sad not to be invited but face to face not by text.
Please don’t be that mum OP

i think you'll regret saying something if you do. i would be mortified if i received this message after my kid's party. what do you expect to say? there is a limited number of responses you're going to get:

1. sorry i forgot to invite your kid (what has that achieved, more heart ache that he was over looked??)
2. sorry we had limited numbers & only invited X from scholl & cousins & neighbours (again, just heartache that you didn't make the list?)
3. sorry, little kid doesn't like your kid any more(!!!)

i really think you shouldn't say anything.

Haven't read all the replies.
But I wanted to say DD had a birthday party recently and didn't invite her 3 best friends. She didn't want to. End of.

Get over it. They don't even play together.

Least said soonest mended. Old advice but sound in this case.

I feel for him. When I was five or six a girl at school didn't invite me to her party and, being so little, I asked why, Wish I hadn't! She just said, "I don't like you". I was unbelievably hurt but thankfully didn't get my mum involved and I got over it. We were quite friendly later on, confided things but didn't go to each other's houses (she's a vicar now hee hee).

Life is like that sometimes. Kids can be unkind but your boy will have other friends at different times so don't worry. He's only seven. There will be many changes over the next few years. It is upsetting you more than him, he'll get over it.

So for you. Maybe less 'play dates', let him choose who he wants to be with and what he wants to do.

I hope you have a nice summer holiday this year, he'll meet lots of new people and be involved in different activities. Even if it's only Haven or somewhere iike that, Mine enjoyed that very much,