She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

@Snappedandfarted2019

The OP said that this was the only time she had ever asked her friend for a lift.

I can't see how it's remotely similar to your fried's experience.

[shocked]

The friends mum sounds like a nasty piece of work, calling op 'a piece of shit', nice, do you want to be around people like that, consider it. This friend obviously comes with her nasty mum in tow.

This is one incident she has described. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is regular occurrence given the reaction from the dm and the bf trying to make an excuse. I shared the story because it echoed similarities and I was wanting to give the POV of the friend

This reminds me of a situation when I was working in a city 30 miles from my home and commuted daily. My friend, who did the same, offered me a daily lift (her boyfriend drove them in).

I accepted, asked her if she wanted petrol money and she said no. All fine until one day it was her boyfriend's birthday (not sure I knew) and she had a go at me for not getting him any presents. I couldn't see the connection. Still can't, tbh. I wasn't friends with her boyfriend.

I happily went back to the train.

Op, does the car actually belong to your friend or her mum? You say you saw your friends car arrive but her mum got out which makes me wonder has this been caused by friend using her mums car when her mum wanted to use it then not getting back when she said as you asked to go to McDonalds on the way home? And so was the petrol she used her mums petrol?

To those suggesting the petrol costs as more than £15 or way more than the £6 burger (which is irrelevant as the £6 burger was for the op not her friend but the op didn't think a burger from McDonald's was worth £6), how far can you all drive in 30 mins? Around here I would get about 15 miles, I would push to maybe 20 miles away at most. So there and back it's 30/40 miles. HMRC allowance for mileage expenses is 45p per mile. Which is generous enough - I think it costs me about 20p per mile (disclaimer, I live in the north east so I know our petrol is a bit cheaper) So yes reimbursement at hmrc rates would be about £15 but really the actual cost of petrol would be around £6, would anyone really charge their friend so much for a one off journey? If I was her friend I wouldn't accept more than £5.

The dm sounds a nasty piece of goods. However I think you were totally out of order phoning her that morning. Honestly I would cut all contact with her and if she turns up at lunch etc with your friend I would politely leave.

Your friend did not want to give you a left. She should have told you straight out. I do think it was rude to ask her what she meant by busy.

She agreed to drive you to and from the interview/placement. To be honest I think you were a bit out of order expecting her to go to the shops. I would have just gone to the shops she wanted and not have left her to go to the ones you wanted.

I do think the whole thing with McDonalds was very cheeky. You should have waited to eat at home rather than asking her to go to the drive through.

Also at McDonalds I would have looked at the menu and prices before going to the window and paid. No messing around with changing orders because I did not like the price and if any item was missing I would not be asking my friend to pull in so I could go inside.

As others said I would put £10 -£15 in a nice thank you card and write a nice thank you message and send it to her.

I would not ask her for lift anymore. Just because the trains were awkward for you, it really was unfair to expect her to give up her Sunday to spare you some inconvenience.

The mum sounds very ott but I suspect is just being protective of her daughter being taken advantage of.

Actually Pinkprincess is correct. What it your friend's car or her mother's car? Who owns it

zzz, So that is YOUR contribution? Sneering and belittling. There is a contingent within the autistic community that seems to think that people with ASD can be as rude as they like, as aggressive as they like, etc. . .and that there should be no consequences for that. If someone (ASD or not) is rude, aggressive, etc there ARE consequences. You might not like that but that's the way it is. Telling each other (as SOME people with ASD do) that it's all the fault of the neurotypical is not helping anybody, it is enabling behaviour.

It sounds as though the friend is very much under her mother’s thumb and when the DM decided she didn’t want DBF helping OP, the friend tried to back out but wasn’t sure how.

During he actual trip OP seems to have behaved politely and gratefully, offered money more than once, thanked the friend and told the friend (with song choice) how much she was appreciated.

Unfortunately it sounds as though her DM has decided OP is a user and built up a story based on half understood things (OP buying earplugs or playing a song became OP wearing headphones) and now started a row about it.

OP, I’d be wary of this friend simply because she seems full of mixed messages and even more wary of her mother who sounds quite angry and quick to jump to conclusions.

I think you sound considerate and thoughtful and very mature. I don’t think your autism is causing you to miss things, I think your DBF and her mother are being very unclear.

And there’s no reason why you should walk their dog when you’ve dropped by to pick up your hat.

I've been in this situation from the other side, minus the shouty mother.
Your DBF sounds like she has some issues with boundaries, perhaps some anxiety, and bends over backwards to try and please people and help people (probably because of her mother who sounds controlling).
I had a couple of friends similar to yourself, OP, who would ask for 1 thing but it would turn into actually being a number of things they needed, and I hinted and hinted that I didn't want to do said thing, but the friend wouldn't take those hints and because of my poor boundaries and social anxieties I'd end up doing things for people even though I didn't really want to, and then I resented those friends.
As I've got older I've got better at telling people exactly what I mean, but it's still RIDICULOUSLY HARD to say no to people because I'm desperate to be liked.

Your best option would be to make a time to meet your friend (and make your own way there, don't ask for a lift), talk about how you need to be told clearly yes or no with these things, and then explain that you understand she might find it hard to refuse favours, and you apologise for taking advantage of her kindness without realising it.
Ask her to tell you up front next time she is feeling taken advantage of, and hopefully with clearer communication from both of you the friendship will continue.

Snappedandfarted2019 The OP has categorically stated that this is the only time she has asked for a lift. Unless you happen to know that she's lying, and your friend of a friend also has ASD the two scenarios arent really comparable.

Who owns the car is a good point and may point to why the mother decided to involve herself. I think putting £5 in a card for the friend, posting it to her and the leaving it to her is a good way to keep yourself right.

OP please ignore the hard of thinking and English comprehension, and those unable to read on here .

Your DBF's mother is a raving lunatic. You did nothing wrong. Your DBF is quite old enough to decide herself whether she wants to give you a lift. She's obviously been bitching about you to her mother. They must both know you well enough to understand you have Autism although that is not really relevant to this incident as your behaviour sounds fine. They, on the other hand, are both behaving despicably.

Find a new friend .

Actually, Norfolk, I find most times neurotypical people perceive rudeness and aggression when there isn't any intended. Again that's down to the person with autism's actual disability, once again if you're in agreement with equity accommodations should be made and shouldn't be troublesome for the person without disability, surely?

Either that or it's the neurotypical being disingenuous after goading the autistic person. Or it could be the autistic person having a meltdown because of something completely unrelated to the neurotypical person that the neurotypical person then somehow takes personally. Again it's a lack of understanding of autism, either through ignorance or not wanting to learn that causes the problem, not the autistic person's actual disability.

Because autism is an actual disability. It causes these problems. Mainly because and I'll use your expression a 'contingent' of the neurotypical community refuse to accept the disability and how that disability impacts a person. They see it as the disabled person willingly acting in an unacceptable way.

I'm wondering if that same contingent considers a blind person's inability to see as deliberate? A deaf person's inability to hear as deliberate? A mobility impaired person's inability to mobilise as deliberate?

It's either wilful ignorance or wilful prejudice and bigotry. Whichever of those groups you are is up to you. But because of people like that autistic people are disabled BY YOU and by a society that refuses to accept our disability and how it manifests itself.

They expect us to be like them. Why? We're not built like you, our brains are wired differently. I'm sure you think our mental health is a price worth paying for your comfort but the autistic community don't.

Reading your subsequent replies op, your friends mum sounds like a truly unpleasant and toxic person, yes your friend is under her thumb, she is rude and nasty to you. If you are friends, you are going to have to deal with that. I personally if I were you, distance myself from them, certainly not have anything to do with her nasty mum. You misjudged the situation, maybe could have approached it differently, you are still young and have Autism which makes it harder, but the mum had no right calling you a POS, that was dowright disgusting, and says a lot about the type of person she is. In time you will find other friends.

@pupsandkittens no one deserves to be shouted at and abused, no matter how inconsiderately they may have behaved. Not that you have been inconsiderate, imho. Quite honestly, it sounds to me like your BF’s mum is bonkers!

@WellThisIsShit - thank you for your calm and clear post. I have saved it for my own son, who also has asd.

Oh dear, somewhere there is another thread where a young woman confesses that she is a hopeless people pleaser and has trouble being assertive. She is complaining about how her DBF asked her to give up her one day off to drive her to an interview, wait around, shop for her, then drive her to a fastfood place she hates, whilst missing her favourite Sunday radio show! Now she's worried that her overly protective mother has waded in on her behalf and probably lost her her best mate. How can she make it up but avoid being trampled on in the future?

The two friends should talk to each other about what went wrong and why. The mother should encourage her daughter to be more assertive and fight her own battles and apologise for shouting at her daughter's friend without having a full appreciation of the situation.

M3lon Exactly! I don't have ASD but I'd have had trouble understanding exactly what my friend wanted in this situation. If I was asked for a lift to something as important as a job interview, I'd say yes or no- not "yes....actually no....um...maybe...I'll let you know on the morning". If I knew my friend had ASD I would be even more conscious of being explicit- I know very little about it but I know that much.

And I can't stand the little game some people like to play when it comes to money; saying "no, no, it's fine" - when actually they're expecting the other person to start a back and forth of:
"I insist!"
"Oh no, it's no trouble honestly"
"No, I really should give you something"
"It's not necessary..."
"Here's the money, go on"
"Oh, well, if you absolutely insist"

This does my head in and I cannot imagine how frustrating this must be if someone has difficulty with social cues.

And I would be utterly mortified if my mother got involved with my friendships at that age.

OP, you've done nothing wrong here. Next interview, I'd suggest getting yourself there- after all, if you get the job you'll have to get yourself there every workday anyway!

@stuckinagut I really hope on this other thread the friend gave the entire picture - that her best friend has autism and that when asked a straight question she refused to give a straight answer.... the OP really wouldn't have minded the friend saying no I don't think, then at least could have made other plans. The entire situation could have been avoided if said friend been straight with the OP.

The lack of understanding about autism in many of the replies here is absolutely staggering. So many really nasty, thick posts. To those posters lacking in insight and compassion, please do everyone a favour and don't bother replying to posts by autistic people - you really haven't a fucking clue.

@PupsAndKittens when your friend's mum said at the lunch that she didn't want her to take you, did you ask why? If so, what did she say?

On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

This was where it went wrong. What she said was NT code for not wanting to take you, so the right answer was to say "don't worry about it - I'll get the train", and it was a mistake to ask her to define busy.

All the rest of the stuff was only an issue because she didn't want to be taking you in the first place. Her mum was an absolute loon for coming and shouting at you, and I'm not surprised you were upset. I would avoid her mum from now on, and buy your friend a present to say thank you for taking you (and maybe a card saying that you appreciate her taking you, you've now realised that she meant that she didn't want to take you, and she can be more straightforward with you next time. Then just forget it, because it sounds like she doesn't want to talk about it at the moment.

I would be utterly mortified if my mother got involved with my friendships at that age

Which is why I and others have asked if the friend also has some additional needs. It sounds like an extreme reaction and one that has maybe come from a parent protecting a vulnerable teen?

Stuckingut good luck expecting a reasonable reaction from a mother who call's her friends Autistic daughter a Piece of shit and a bitch!

Sorry her daughters Autistic friend I meant, doh, brain has switched off.

I'm shocked by how many posters are refusing to make allowances for the fact that the OP is autistic and therefore wasn't able to pick up on the fact that her friend didn't really want to give her the lift. She wasn't intentionally taking advantage of her friend.

I also agree with PPs who have suggested that the car belonged to her friend's DM, which would explain why she was so angry about the petrol money. I have found that young people regularly have zero understanding about the cost of petrol and other costs involved in running a car. The friend might not have understood just how important it was that she should ask for petrol money.

The mother's behaviour was disgraceful, though, having said all that. There's never any excuse for screaming at someone through their letterbox, that sounds like intimidation to me.

I'm shocked by how many posters are refusing to make allowances for the fact that the OP is autistic and therefore wasn't able to pick up on the fact that her friend didn't really want to give her the lift

No, I think lots of posters have said quite nicely that they think the OP probably shouldn’t ask people for lifts as it puts them in a difficult position. That is a good general rule for people (with autism or not) to be guided by.