She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

As a Mum to twin toddlers with ASD, the responses here make me very worried about their future - so many people really don’t get it do they?!

Must be so tough to navigate social niceties OP, when people don’t say what they mean.

Those posts are not the issue, @Holidayshopping that's actually good advice for the future. It's the posts with personal insults I'm talking about, calling the OP a user and a terrible person. Not a nice way to talk to someone with autism.

I get a bit anxious about anyone doing me a favour as I'm not good at mind games. It's still no reason to verbally abuse someone through a letter box.

You sound like you behaved exactly like a person with ASD. Your post reads like that too. I would expect your friend to know that and understand that you think differently to others. So therefore she needs to be clear with you ie if she wants money she has to say that, not do the neurotypical polite thing of saying "no, it's fine" when actually they would like to be paid. Or if she doesn't want to drive you, she needs to say that rather than make vague comments about being busy.

She may not wish to do that, and that's her choice but if she doesn't these communication issues will keep happening. Has she read anything about people with ASC and tips on communication?

Despite what many of the previous posters have said, OP can't change how she thinks. She will always take things very literally and struggle to understand vague statements, although may be able to learn rules. However there are so many unread rules about socialising that this is extremely difficult to do.

Your friend's mother should not have got involved though regardless of fault. It is absolutely nothing to do with her, it's between you and your friend. She sounds horribly controlling.

Tbh I think autism is a bit of a red herring. If the friend had said that doesnt work for me, or no I cant I have plans none of this would have happened!

I think there are 2 possible explanations for the mothers outburst.

1. The friend has been complaining about you to her so the mum has only heard the negative. She is reacting because her dd cant or wont tell you whats really bothering her. So your friend thinks those things but just doesnt know how to address it.
2. The mum just doesnt like you and has decided to take matters into her own hands despite her dds protestations.

Either way please promise me that should anyone turn up on your doorstep again and start a screaming match that you will close the door in their face and record them on your phone if they continue to shout through the letterbox.

YES Murrivan! Why is it so hard for people to say no?!

@redexpat
It's extremely hard for some people to say no, especially if their identity and self-worth is tied up in always trying to please people.
When I was 19, for me to say no to a friend asking for a favour was about as hard as it was for the OP to understand subtle social cues.

It's taken 10 years to get to the point where I don't feel extremely guilty when saying I can't help someone, and I still struggle with finding the actual words to say it.

I feel the same PRoselegend. The friend is also 19, may not be able to assert herself or have the directness that comes from not following societal queues. Let’s cut everyone some slack except the DM who should know better.

She may only have just passed her test as well, and have been afraid of the drive.l or borrowing her mums car. At least 3 of my friends didn’t drive anywhere outside a 3 mile radius until they were 21.

I have nothing to add to this thread, but having got to the end of it finally (I'm supposed to be working) I would just like to add my support to the OP and reiterate that it's the DM that has behaved badly here.

I was just wondering if possibly your friend had got upset thinking you were ignoring her with your headphones in and told her mum then was too embarrassed to admit to it on the phone and told you she didn't know anything about it. The mum sounds really scary. I assume her daughter is of similar age to you seeing she can drive, so it seems very odd behaviour to shout at you in regard of her daughter's choices. That's why I'm wondering if her daughter seemed upset at home rather than frustrated, then denied that to you. That's purely speculation, of course. Just something that popped to mind as a parent about what would bother me more (ie. child angry or child upset with a friend).

I think me being me, I'd pop a card through the door apologising, explaining I truly had not realised my behaviour would upset anyone and that my ASD sometimes means I struggle a bit with understanding how I might come across as rude but so I hope they'll be able to accept me saying sorry as I really truly value the daughter as a friend.

Not sure if you'd feel able to do that as it all sounds pretty scary from the mum!

Are you able to confide in a parent or adult who knows you closely who might understand your own difficulties more easily and be able to give pointers on where things could have gone wrong? Did you get on with the mum ok before this? Sorry if I missed this.

Alternatively, people could just grow a spine and start saying no to stuff that they don't want to do.

Indeed! That would stop hundreds of posts on here every year from people who have CF taking total advantage of them!!

Does your friend also have asd op? From reading it she might be feeling pressured into doing things for you but can't express it. Her mum is wrong to shout abuse, but she may be hearing a side of a story about her feeling pushed into it even after she said she was doing stuff.
Going forward use a taxi rather then your friend for things like this.

I think when someone is unhinged enough to scream through a letterbox then there isn't much chance of salvaging a relationship

@Mcsparent I’m so glad you found my post useful.

I really hope the OP did too, if they can see the kindly meant posts amongst some of the very ignorant and rather vindictive posts on here.

Another post asked if people would demand a visually impaired person just try and see more clearly.

Well, sadly I think people would.

Certainly my son when he was little got made to stand against the wall and miss playtime over and over again, for ‘not listening’. The fact that his hearing was impaired was deemed irrelevant.

People can be spectacularly stupid. They take it for granted that the world revolves around them and their ways and needs.
Some see difference as a challenge that needs breaking, rather than a disadvantage that needs helping, or understanding.

I believe strongly that everyone has a right to be actively included in our community. But it seems the rest of our society is strolling happily in the opposite direction

Your friend's mum is mental. She should have taught her DD to stick up for herself if there were things she didn't want to do.

It does sound a bit like with your asd you don't pick up on hints when you're asking a bit too much of someone. So you should try to work on that and also be open with people that they will need to be more literal and to the point with you.

@NorfolkRattle what part of it being a disability therefore making change such as understanding nuance impossible for some didn't you actually get?

Again would you insist a blind person learn to see?

It's a NT concept that autistic behaviour is wilful rudeness. I won't say I can't be deliberately rude, I definitely can especially when endlessly goaded but some have definitely perceived inadvertent behaviour wrongly. For example bossiness when none intended, a lack of caring when pointing out facts in a situation I felt hadn't been explained clearly. In both situations I was being neither bossy or uncaring, in both situations a NT person was imposing NT standards on me that I didn't and can't understand because of my disability.

You seem to think autistic people want to behave in a deliberately aloof or inking way and that comes across as ignorant and prejudiced.

That should read unkind not inking.

Asking that people with ASD (and everybody else too!) develops an awareness of their own behaviour is not an impossible ask.

Yes it is. And it’s not behaviour anyway it’s a cognitive disability.

And it’s not behaviour anyway it’s a cognitive disability

Very well said @Comefromaway

The ignorance about autism on this thread is absolutely astounding - it's not as if autism isn't ever mentioned on MN either.

And how would you know that, @NorfolkRattle do you have any understanding of ASD? It's a genuine question, I'm not being goady. I've had to learn to understand how things are for my DD1 (9), who is on the autistic spectrum and has adoption related SN. She comes across as having no empathy sometimes and that's very hard to cope with, but I'm having to learn that she's not being deliberately unkind. She's very dependent on routine; when there are unexpected changes she doesn't cope well at all. She has meltdowns when she becomes overwhelmed, she's hurt me physically at times; it isn't something she can control sometimes, though this is improving. She struggles with concentration and with sitting still. She struggles socially as she has difficulty recognising social cues.

I'm learning. It isn't easy, it's actually extremely frustrating sometimes, but I'm learning that it doesn't work to sanction her behaviour like you would with an NT child.

She has eyesight and hearing impairment. too. These disabilities are easy to cope with by comparison, as other people are aware of these, as they can see that she wears glasses and hearing aids.

Autism is a hidden disability that can't be seen, hence the prejudice, seeing it in behavioural terms. She isn't behaving badly when she has meltdowns, for example, she's overwhelmed and can't cope. And she's not being intentionally rude when she doesn't look at someone who is talking to her.

Don't assume you know what you're talking about. You actually don't have a clue. It's not about claiming to be an 'oppressed minority', I'm sorry but that's uncalled for. It's about not fitting in and knowing it, but not understanding why. My DD1 can't understand why she doesn't get invited to play dates like her little sister (6), who is NT.

I'm marvelling at the juxtaposition on this thread between posts that assume that autists lack social understanding in particular; and posts by neurotypicals that demonstrate a deficit in empathy for the autistic perspective so substantial that they aren't able to understand even the simplest fucking point relating to it.