She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

The op has asked for advice

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward

Lots of people have given it.

My advice would be to pop a thank you card through her door with £10 for petrol in, not ask people for lifts any more and don’t text people or their mums early in the morning.

I have a slightly different take on this, the friend didn't say she didn't want to do it, the mother did. After this all the friend said was that she might be busy.
It was then the mother who came ranting and raving and explicitly stated that she needed her DD. So i think the mother had taken for granted that her daughter was going to help her with something and was annoyed that she had a previous commitment.
I wonder if she has been trying to pressure her DD into ditching you all week and it likely would have worked had you been NT as an NT person would probably have assumed friend wasn't coming and got the train where as you wanted explicit confirmation.
When she got home your friend was probably subjected to a tirade culminating in 'did you at least get some petrol money' and friend said no and blamed you to shut her mother up leading the mother to come and shout at you.
From your other responses the mother is clearly very domineering and doesn't seem to like you much, possibly because her usual manipulations don't work on you due to your ASD so she just ends up yelling.

@user1457017537 I know you're a troll and I've reported you but I'll bite anyway.
"Don't want to" is a long way removed from having a disability which makes something the complete opposite of your neurology which is likely to make you mentally ill.

If a neurotypical person was subjected to someone expecting them to act against the core of their being every day of their existence this would be called abuse and the perpetrator would face consequences. Yet autistics are expected to do this every day of their lives, making them mentally ill just to keep the neurotypical world comfortable. Just check out the suicide stats for autistic people. It's not acceptable.

But hey you just want to hide behind a random number to belch your vile prejudice and ignorance. Use your proper name and say that, or are you that much of a coward?

The mum screaming is extremely rude and unacceptable. She may be a very angry/emotional person which you don’t mention in your posts, so can we presume she generally isn’t like this if you know her well?

The fact that you said DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial would have rung some alarm bells here and I would wonder why? Did she think you were taking advantage of her daughter? Was it her own car being used? She obviously feels very protective of her daughter which is what made me wonder if she was vulnerable herself/had additional needs?

Oh and OP, if the DM ever has the temerity to tell you to do something for her again, like walk her dog, tell her exactly where to go - I think she has been the most out of order person in this entire situation.

I think the friend feels torn - she wanted to help her friend but has her mother making demands on her time too. She's feeling awkward and avoiding the OP because of how her mother is likely to react.

Last week, DM FORCED me to walk the dog (I only popped round to to pick up a hat I had accidentally left). I have just come back from a long day at college and I politely said I was tired ( I also personally struggle with dog walking as it stress me out!) I was then called a selfish bitch!

I presumed this was the OP’s own mum, not the friend’s mum.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, nothing wrong with a best friend giving you a lift for a job interview then spending some time together. If your BF knows you at all then she would know subtle social hints won’t work.

I am making an assumption that your friend also has some additional needs that make her mum particularly protective or defensive? BF sounds quite immature in going home and moaning to her mum but acting fine with you, rather than just saying something directly to you.

The mother is clearly completely out of order and should not be so invested in her adult daughter's friendship and go around intimidating people.

There could be two things happening with the friendship:

Scenario 1: The friend is feeling put upon by you, has difficulty being direct and has vented and the mother has intervened (badly).

Scenario 2: The friend is happy with your friendship but it is entirely the mother that has a problem, is being dominant and putting herself between you.

I am veering towards scenario 2 as the DM was more direct over the lunch and the friend was being more ambiguous, and she chose to get your attention when you crossed paths later.

Either way the mother is totally unreasonable in her response.

What to do next.
Arrange to meet up, treat her (coffee, cake). Don't mention her mother's behaviour to you (she sounds embarrased, and understandably so) but do ask openly how she is and if anything is bothering her. You may get an ambiguous "fine" type response which means that she probably isn't but it isn't the right time to delve into it.

Avoid involving her mother in your friendship. You are adults.

"Busy" means someone is unavaliable. The reason doesn't really matter. I might be busy because it's the kids' bedtime and it's my one evening in the house in the week, I might have a more concrete arrangement already.

I hope the normal balance of friendship is restored soon.

Gosh OP - you write exactly like my 17 year old dd (huge overexplanations, old fashioned language etc). She has Aspergers (diagnosed before they stopped using the term and started using ASD).

I really can't see you did anything wrong. Friends do that kind of thing for each other. Friends don't offer to help someone out for an important job interview then retract at short notice with no good reason. Parents of 19 year olds need to stay out of their kids lives (as an overinvested parent of a 17 year old I find that tough but hey ho).

It really isn't you, its them. People should say what they blinking mean.

I think DBF mum shouldn't have screamed at you, not acceptable. However, I also found myself thinking it sounds like your DBF didn't really want to take you, you should have just found your own way. You then then went shopping and for lunch, so rather than it being around 2 hours (to travel there and back plus waiting for you to finish) out of her day taken it was most of the day. Maybe your DBF had plans she had to cancel or went home and complained to her mum and her mum thought your DBF would never tell you so took it upon herself, again totally not OK to scream at you.
I'd just move on from it, and IMO it's always good to lea e a but of money towards petrol even if a friend is adament they don't want any.

Friends don't offer to help someone out for an important job interview then retract

I think this is the crux.

The friend didn’t offer, OP asked her to. It sounds like she didn’t want to but felt backed into a corner and didn’t know how to say no. That happens all the time on here-people being taken for a mug by cheeky fuckers, not knowing how to say no, suffering social anxiety about confrontations etc etc

I would never ask anyone for a lift because I wouldn’t want them to feel obliged to give me one-I would much rather make my own way somewhere. If a friend said-‘I want to take you somewhere’ that is completely different, but obviously that isn’t actually what happened here.

I would get her a thank you card, enclose money for the petrol and a note more or less saying what WellThisisShit said and put it through her letter box - preferably when you know they are out. Don't forget to mention that you have difficulty reading social cues.

Then leave the ball in her court.

I agree about sending a card with petrol money and also mentioning your difficulty in reading social clues. I would also want to add a brief sentence about how her DM shouting at you was unwarranted and belittling. Her DM has behaved appallingly and shouldn't get away with it not being mentioned at all.

I think it’s really poor form for her mother to try and flake out so last minute before something as important as an interview, to be honest. Her mother sounds overbearing and not very nice at all. Your friend maybe struggles to assert herself but it’s no wonder when she has to deal with that mother!

OP would benefit from people being direct in their communication with her as she might miss nuance and hinting. This is due to her disability.

OP's Friend appears to struggle with direct communication. In this scenario she tried vague instead of clear. This is not OP's fault. It is also possible that friend has some issues but these are not diagnosable via keyboard and we don't actually know.

OP's Friend's mother is a drama llama and is waay to invested in her adult daughter's life. Friend's communication issues may be related to this.

OP can't change the dynamics of her friend and her mother's relationship and communication. Only their own.

The advice to thank friend one final time by card and include some petrol money fulfils the OP's obligations. From then on it is up to friend.

@natalia402 @Holidayshopping true enough in both cases but what is stopping these people who know about the OP's disability from being explicit? Why is the OP being expected to understand nuance when she has a disability that causes difficulty with this?

@MsPeachh The mum didn't flake out t the last minute, it was always a NO to the lift, until OP badgered them persistently

It wasn't always a no to the lift. The friend kindly agreed to give the lift. The day before the interview the mum the mum tells the OP she isn't happy, the Op's friend is non commital and tells her she will let the friend know in the morning (ie last minute).

As far as I can see the OP did no badgering, she just wanted to know either way so she could make arrangments.

How old is your 'best friend', does she have sn too? Just asking asking as an adult I make my own decisions without my mum interfering. Her mum sounds like she is babying her, your best friend should learn to speak up herself to you does not sound like much of a best friend, if she goes running to her mum at any problem. That would be a dealbreaker.

However! I am a non car driver (learning to drive), I would not have expected your friend to pick you up, considering she told you the day before she could not, and would have made other arrangements. I would have tried my best to place less demands on her, as you sound like you were taking advantage of her car. Try to think about that next time. My dd 11 has Autism, it is high functioning, but we are trying to teach her the fine social skills that non Autistic children seem to have, and how to read social cues and empathy. Putting yourself in others position kind of thing.

Hope that you feel better soon, I would feel less about the friend now after her behaviour. A good friend would have told you and been honest and upfront with you. If she diden't want to pick you up, she should not have come to collect you. In life you start to learn who you can trust and who not, maybe this is not a good friend.

Even at 18, hell younger even, I knew my mind and made my own decisions. Op did nothing wrong asking her friend, isen't that what friends are for to help, friend was wrong for not being honest and saying no! Not ops fault at all. To go running to mum, really! Come on, I was away at uni at 19 making my own life and living in my own house. Time for friend to grow a pair, and start acting like an adult.

I am NT with no experience of autism and I think if people don't want to give someone a lift they should just bloody say so. I also think if they want petrol money then they should not refuse it.

I'm actually quite shocked how many people are ripping into the OP.

So what if the post is long, she wanted to give as accurate of details as she could. Some posters would be first to accuse of drip feeding if she added extra details afterwards.

Also anyone who knows even a little about being on the spectrum knows many autistic people are very detail orientated and fact based. Social cues are hard to 'get'.

I am visually impaired so I often don't pick up on social cues that are visual so I get that it's not always easy to read people.

I think the friend had a tiring day, mentioned all she did that day and her Mum felt she put herself out too much. But instead of being civil she acted very overbearing and meddling.

Really if the friend didn't want to help then she should say herself. If she's unable to say no she should work on her confidence. If her mother is so overbearing she likely finds it hard to stand up to her.

I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday

Just a piece of advice, it would have been a good idea to use the Sunday as a trial run to make sure you could get to work ontime with the trains in place. Don't leave travel plans to the last minute.

My friend had a friend just like you described how you acted, she wanted to be ferried around constantly because my friend drove. Just go here just go there etc, she expected to her to drop everything and go somewhere with her regardless that she had a family a course a husband, utilmately her husband got pissed off because friend demanded she go to an event when she had plans with her husband, he ended had ago at the friend and their friendship never recovered. Friend has never felt so reliefed she doesn’t feel anxious when a text comes through a phone, their friendship was very one sided and despite myself and another friend explaining to her she still doesn’t get what she has done she had been diagnosed with BPD.