She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

It's extremely hard for some people to say no,

Replace people with women and you have a point. Except that confidence and self worth can be aquired by NT people yet people with asd wont be able to acquire the ability to read social situations.

I'm not being rude or abrasive, at least not knowingly. You do realise your posts are being deleted? Asking someone with a cognitive disability to just not do it is exactly like asking a blind person to just see.

You do realise you're just posting the same ignorance over and over, don't you?

@Lizzie48 your daughter is so, so lucky to have someone like you in her corner. It'll help her deal with attitudes held by people like Norfolk.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at at point here. Most friends are happy to do occasional favours. I don't want petrol money when I do things like this either. Surprised at the comments you've received. Her mum was totally out of order!

I think the BF has a responsibility to be clear about what she is saying if she knows her BF doesn’t understand her umm’ing and aah’ing

Always insist on fuel money. Even if they say it's fine. It isn't. That's 1hr 10 mins of driving. It adds up.
Also your friends mum needs to cut the apron strings and realise she's a adult. How embarrassing for her

@BishopBrennansArse thank you! The hardest person to deal with is my DM. She pays lip service to understanding, but then she tells her off for the behaviours she can't control.

@Lizzie48 yep, happened to me as a kid and to my kids too, I'll always defend them though

How do you know Norfolk, ASD is sometimes a hidden disability, it is still a disability none the less. Their behaviours stem from the function of the brain, and differences in it between them and Neutrotypicals. Behaviour that comes easily to NT, has to be taught to people with ASD, even then it can be hard. Please educate yourself! People have to be direct and to the point with people who are Autistic, no ambiguity. Be honest and upfront. Which what did not happen here.

I just can't get over the mother calling poor op a POS, and a bitch on another occassion, says it all really. Seeing that they have known op for a long time, and know she has a disability. Vile nasty and toxic behaviour.

Bit late to the thread bu op yanbu!! Regardless of whether you have asd or anything that's no way for her mother to behave. Who goes to someone's door and screams at them? I suspect she did this because she thinks you are vulnerable and could take advantage of you.

Honestly I would just forget about them and keep my distance from them both.
Your friend may be nice to you but shes Obviously speaking badly about you to her mother.

Sorry you went through that, just know that it wasnt warranted in any way and you didnt commit any big crime to deserve that.

You should have got the train, or asked a parent to take you there and back.

Your friend's DM made it very clear she didn't want her taking you, and then the friend seemed reluctant (not confirming, etc.)

In general, its best not to rely on others. You should have got the train unless friend/family offered and insisted on taking you.

The DM was unreasonable in her reaction, and sounds like she was more pissed off the her DD for going against her will, and you got the brunt of it. She probably asked DD if she'd got money from you, she would have replied no (even though you offered) and the DM assumed you didn't offer. This is where the "ungrateful" accusations are coming from.

If I were you, I would go to her house and post and envelope with "petrol money, thank you xx" through her letterbox. And then leave things a few days. If you haven't heard from your friend in a week or so just drop her a messge asking how she is and saying you don't want to make a big deal of it, lets move on. It sounds like she's pretty mortified by her DM's actions and doesn't want to let it get between your friendship.

Hope this helps!

I try not to ask people for favours as it can affect the relationship. Too many times it had happened that I was asked to help in situations when my friends could manage themselves but wanted to save money on my behalf e.g. multiple times childcare when they couldn't take a day off on the inset day, or giving a lift somewhere because they didn't want to pay for the bus or a taxi. My DH was even asked to drive friend's family to the airport (very early morning, an hour or more drive, then going to the office in the morning) but they would pay us for the petrol. We refused to help but that was so cheeky.

Problem is though @Wedgiecar58 how was the OP to know if the DM was speaking for the BF? The DM's other behaviour has been completely outrageous otherwise so it. Oils genuinely have been the BF would much rather help the OP out but her DM was monopolising her. Again easily solved by the BF being clear and straightforward with the OP.

@Itssosunny it isn't cheeky, selfish or manipulative at all, the OP has a disability meaning she can't understand nuance. The BF could have been absolutely clear with the OP and avoided the whole situation entirely.

Itssosunny

That was very cheeky of you because you pressured her into helping you by making her feeling guilty. It was a selfish and a manipulative act on your side

The OP was nothing of the sort, she HAS AUTISM.

@BishopBrennansArse

Hard work on this thread, isn't it?

I've rarely seen so much crap written in reply to a poster who has stated in their first sentence that they are autistic.

@BishopBrennansArse OP said DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place.

So it's quite clear she didn't want her to do it. At that point, OP should have made the decision to get the train. The friend was clearly uncomfortable going against her mum, again: DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ..... Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

I appreciate ASD might make it harder to pick up on these signals but the DM was making it quite clear (perhaps deliberately so, because she could see her daughter was willing to help).

I appreciate ASD might make it harder to pick up on these signals

ASD makes it impossible, why not look up the diagnostic criteria before saying things that are totally wrong and inflammatory.

There's a stereotype that autistic people lack empathy. It's not usually true.

What is astoundingly clear is that a number of NT people have serious empathy impairments - and yet they get to be the normal ones, and we're disordered, and must become like them to fit in.

I am late to this thread but the autism aside here I wanted to comment on this: DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. these are nineteen year olds we’re talking about, young adults perhaps but adults none the less. Can you imagine the responses if someone on here posted that they weren’t happy about their nineteen year old offering someone a lift somewhere and had wished they hadn’t done it, then turned up on their doorstep to have a shouting match with them afterwards because their nineteen year old child was being taken advantage of?

People would be telling the mother in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off and to leave her (adult) child to be an adult and make their own decisions in life.

And yet here we have people telling the OP that as soon as the dm said that she wasn’t happy the OP should have been the one to back off.

The reality here is that even if the DM is over involved in the friend’s life, the friend is clearly playing into her hands by relaying everything that happens back to her mother and seemingly enjoying the attention. She’s not a friend and I would ditch her, but I wouldn’t blame autism or yourself or the mother or anyone but the friend. She’s an adult capable of making her own decisions in life. If she doesn’t she’s in for a bloody difficult road ahead when her mother starts telling her which men she can see/which friends she can have and so on.

Stuff that, life’s too short to waste energy on people like that.

@BlankTimes @Chouetted at least some get it....

And @Wedgiecar58 why the hell does the DM get to tell a 19 year old what to do?

I am shocked about posters justifying the mothers disgusting and vile abusive outburst to op, who has a disability. What op has done, is nothing compared to what this grown adult woman did to a young adult with Autism. The friend has to learn to grow a backbone, or mummy will be out all the time that she thinks somebody has wronged her dd. Is she somebody that goes to their adult child's job interviews, or complains when she has been rejected from something.

Reading op subsequent posts, it seems that the mother has a form for being abusive towards op. Op if you are still reading, time to cut ties with this toxic friendship and find other friends.

Mum sounds controlling of her dd to shout through your letterbox and bloody rude to insist you walk her dog.

I think it sounds like your friend is pretty browbeaten and dislikes confrontation. She didn't want to say no to you though she wasn't keen and didnt want to admit to her mum that she said yes of her own accord!

You may be best getting some distance from them and letting dbf come to you. When she does, you could make it clear her mum was rude and you won't be having anything to do with her save maintaining a civil relationship.