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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Teenage friend put on the sex offenders list for 'pantsing' someone at school

369 replies

Neonata · 11/02/2019 22:55

Last week one of my 15YO DS's closest friends pulled a classmate's gym shorts down in the changing rooms as a prank and unfortunately his pants also came down and he was momentarily exposed. The boy then escalated this and the friend has now been isolated for a day, then excluded for a day and also put on the sex offenders list!!

AIBU to think this is a massive over reaction by the school?? He is a lovely boy who is usually really well behaved and generally high achieving academically.

I'm wondering that this will demonise him so much that he will start thinking he is actually a bad person and it will be enough to send him down the wrong path.

OP posts:
DuffBeer · 12/02/2019 08:24

Stop obtaining 'information' from a 15 yr old! They're not reliable sources you know.

I can guarantee that the sex offender register that he refers to is something made up by the kids at school to dramatise the whole situation "oh, guess what, Jimmy's been put on the SOR, hahaha" ........

DuffBeer · 12/02/2019 08:27

Just read your previous post.

But still, none of this has actually been confirmed by an adult! it's all 3rd hand info from a bunch of kids!

If you want to know the truth II would speak to the parents (you said your son was best friends with him?)

steppemum · 12/02/2019 08:28

OK, I can imagine a situation where a group of friends is larking around and one tugs the other's shorts and their pants come down. If it was a genuine group of equal friends, and this was genuinely 'a laugh' then their reaction would have also been in the same vein, and they would have taken it in good part.

The fact that the other boy was mortified, and has complained, and is obviously upset, tells us that he was not larking around on an equal basis with the other boys.
Who knows what the exact situation was, ganging up and picking on him? Shy boy being 'pranked' by the popular group? Boy on the fringe trying to be part of a group and being the butt of their jokes?

Hmm, sounds less and less like a 'fun prank' and more and more like bullying.

This is a massive wake up call to all the boys, that their behaviour is not good, it is unkind at best and bullying at worst. They need to wake up to the fact that they are picking on the boys on the egde.
Really unpleasant behaviour, and very much Lord of the Flies behaviour too, groups of boys en masse can be horrible. (as can groups of girls obviously)

Original poster
Neonata · 12/02/2019 08:31

Duffbeer it's common knowledge amongst many parents that the other boy who committed the more serious crime is definitely on a sexual offences register now, as I mentioned in my last post.

It DOES exist and (yes, according to...) my DS's friend, his is now on it too for a ridiculously minor thing in comparison.

I just hope that he is exaggerating.

OP posts:
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 12/02/2019 08:36

But WHAT IS THIS LIST YOU SPEAK OF?!?!

Original poster
Neonata · 12/02/2019 08:37

Also, to clarify, my DS described the boy it was done to as "Nice, he's a laugh", so he seems to be part of their group at school (another reason why I was shocked at the reaction).

I'd rather not approach the parents to get the full story as they are friends, but not people we see all the time, so I didn't want to embarrass them.

I'm therefore relying on my son's version of events plus Mumsnet as a sounding board!

OP posts:
OnTheHop · 12/02/2019 08:39

Yes, the SOR does exist, for people who distribute on social media videos of themselves in sex acts with underage girls.

No one is disputing this.

But a school cannot just slap someone’s name on it without police involvement.

FlipF · 12/02/2019 08:39

.

Original poster
Neonata · 12/02/2019 08:40

When I posted I was expecting a few to say that they knew of similar happening to people they knew, which would have shed more light on what this 'list' actually is and how public it is.

But it seems to be only my city!

OP posts:
Original poster
Neonata · 12/02/2019 08:41

OntheHop exactly!!

Gotta dash out now...

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 12/02/2019 08:41

You keep saying how lovely this boy is but that is how lovely he is to you. I work with teenagers and trust me there are plenty out there that are lovely to adults and absolute bullies to their peers you cannot take your face value impression of him as gospel.

There is no way he has been put on any official type of register in the space of a week it just hasn’t happened. You need to listen to that and take it on board. The boy that escalated the situation felt it required escalation whether you think it was and over reaction or not is totally irrelevant you were not the one who had your pants pulled down in front of people. The victim of this prank didn’t find it funny and was exposed in one of the most humiliating ways and as it is his body he has the right to decide on the context and whether the matter goes further.

Magenta82 · 12/02/2019 08:42

Knowing the teenager well, IMO this just seems a totally bonkers reaction and one that could have some really negative consequences for what was just a silly (but badly judged) prank.

Aww its so sad that bullying and humiliating someone has negative consequences for the bully as well as the victim!

If it was really just a prank between friends then the victim wouldn't have complained.

Your attitude is appalling, it is the sort of thing that allows rapists to go free after 3 months because they are promising swimmers.

Fazackerley · 12/02/2019 08:42

Good. He sounds like a prat.

Claw001 · 12/02/2019 08:43

If it was a group of friends, just having a ‘laugh’ they why has the boy escalated it? Doesn’t sound like he thought it was a just a ‘laugh’

OnTheHop · 12/02/2019 08:45

“I'd rather not approach the parents to get the full story as they are friends, but not people we see all the time, so I didn't want to embarrass them. “

Well quite, and it isn’t your business!

Your business is to talk seriously to your Ds about things which seem ‘a laugh’ but might have consequences, for the victim as well as the perpetrator, talk about his people laugh things off in public whilst cringing inside, stop minimising this ‘pantsing ‘ business, stop being an apologist for stupid boys humiliating their friends.

And stop feeding off teen boy drama and catastrophisiing about the ‘poor innocent boy’ who did this. If there has been a gross miscarriage of justice do you not think his own parents might not intervene?

How and why do you think the ‘nice laughing ‘ boy ‘escalated’ it???

And while your about it talk seriously about what the SOR is and why it exists.

steppemum · 12/02/2019 08:46

good grief, you have heard this third hand from teenage boys.
Why do you assume that all the people posting on here are wrong, and that your garbled story from a teen is the gospel truth???

LilaJude · 12/02/2019 08:47

Stop doubling down OP. This is clearly bollocks. ‘Common knowledge among many parents’, ‘He told his friends that he and his parents were told by the school’, ‘But there IS a register that he's been put on that is not just specific to his school’ - where are you getting the information for these very vague assertions? Is this coming from your son? Has the school made an announcement? Have they taken the very unusual and immoral step of sharing the details of another child’s punishment with you? Or is it actually just rumours you’re hearing from other kids and parents?

And if the school does have a register for recording incidents which have a possible sexual offence element, that is very far from ‘The Sexual Offenders Register’ you claimed in your initial post, isn’t it?

I think you’re just looking for a reason to be outraged, but you don’t really know anything about what has actually gone on here. And I think you’re trying to minimise the shitty behaviour of your son’s friend by imagining a disproportionate and OTT punishment.

Wallsbangers · 12/02/2019 08:48

Boys will be boys eh OP Hmm

I'd suggest your son needs to keep better company.

HulksPurplePanties · 12/02/2019 08:49

YANBU OP. I completely agree that the boy has been put on some kind of list that only exists in your city, and that anyone can be put on for even the most minor infraction, and yes, it is totally unreasonable that the boy should be put on for accidentally pulling his "friends" pants down and the friend acting totally over the top and getting upset at what was obviously friendly antics.

Now, having said that, I have some beans for sale that you might be interested in....

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 12/02/2019 08:49

So if someone had done this to someone in the street you'd think it was ok as long as the guilty party was a lovely boy and academically high achiever?
What your DS friend did was bang out of order and he deserves everything he gets

fishonabicycle · 12/02/2019 08:50

You can't just be put on the sex offenders register! Teenagers talk crap.

Coldilox · 12/02/2019 08:52

I can guarantee the boy is not on and will not go on (for this matter anyway) the sex offenders register.

It’s possible that they have to report any sexual incident to the LEA. I know racist and homophobic incidents have to be reported in some (all?) areas. That won’t have any affect on the boy as he grows up, it’s done for monitoring purposes as far as I am aware.

And agree with others about it not being a harmless prank. If someone came up to you and ripped your shirt open displaying your breasts, would you be so relaxed?

Boysandbuses · 12/02/2019 08:52

The one who gimmrd and had sex with a 15 year old, will be on the actual sex offenders register. Not a local, made up school one.

He filmed a child a having sex. Bet he showed people as well, with is distributing child pornography

This incident, has not resulted on anyone being on the sex offenders register. I simply don't get people who listen to their teenagers as though their word is the be all and end all and an entirely accurate version of events

I have a teenager, I was a teenager, I had teenage friends and my friends have teenagers. While teenagers are bad people, they talk alot of shot and listen to gossip and exagaration and then present it as fact.

Boysandbuses · 12/02/2019 08:53

Oh and it's not a prank. If someone exposed my daughter's breasts at school, I would want them dealt with by the police.

I think there is something seriously wrong when an adult doesn't understand this.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2019 08:53

Here you go, OP. YOu can check here:

www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

What an SOR really involves:

hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/information-sex-offence-notification-requirements/

An easy reding version:

www.thesun.co.uk/news/4042396/sex-offender-register-number-people-record/

As others have said - SOR is entirely appropriate for someone putting sex tapes online. That would have gone to court and on conviction the man/boy would have been placed on the SOR.

But for a nasty little prank there will have been no court case, so no SOR. This nice boy is just bragging and you are allowing your own child to bask in that bragging fuckwittery by not explaining to him just how ridiculous the child's boast is!

And no, no LA or school has its own SOR, that would be a legal minefield.

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