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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU: Teenage friend put on the sex offenders list for 'pantsing' someone at school

369 replies

Neonata · 11/02/2019 22:55

Last week one of my 15YO DS's closest friends pulled a classmate's gym shorts down in the changing rooms as a prank and unfortunately his pants also came down and he was momentarily exposed. The boy then escalated this and the friend has now been isolated for a day, then excluded for a day and also put on the sex offenders list!!

AIBU to think this is a massive over reaction by the school?? He is a lovely boy who is usually really well behaved and generally high achieving academically.

I'm wondering that this will demonise him so much that he will start thinking he is actually a bad person and it will be enough to send him down the wrong path.

OP posts:
Pk37 · 12/02/2019 07:24

This is bullshit. And you’re going by the word of a school kid that someone is being put on the sex offenders register ?
Ok then ...
your kid needs new friends and you need to stop taking stuff as gospel

DoctorDread · 12/02/2019 07:32

If he's pulling down other people's pants then he deserves a bollocking IMO. It's horrible behaviour and part of the whole 'toxic masculinity' crap that needs to be gone. It's old school 'boys will be boys' behaviour and modern society has no place for it. I'm glad he was punished but no, he won't have been put in the SOR.

forumdonkey · 12/02/2019 07:36

I'm concerned by your support of the boy who did this and your lack of empathy for the poor victim. How would you feel if it was your DS who'd had his penis exposed to the other children in his class? What if the result of that was teasing, bullying and humiliation. How would you console him if he was embarrassed and refusing to return to school or suffering anxiety at attending. Would you tell him that he was overreacting and it was only a prank and the perpetrator was a nice boy?

Why not ask your DS if the victim laughed and thought it was funny?

LagunaBubbles · 12/02/2019 07:37

He is the total opposite of a bully by the way, which is why I sympathised so much with him

Oh ffs stop minimising this! As per usual people sympathising with the bully and not a flying thought to the victim who was humiliated in front of other teenagers. I can bet if this was a girl this had happened to there would be an outcry!

C8H10N4O2 · 12/02/2019 07:38

He is the total opposite of a bully by the way, which is why I sympathised so much with him

Nope, if this actually happened he is a bully who enjoys humiliating other children but who does not fit your preconceived ideas of a bully (aka "not people like us").

Those preconceptions are part of why so many sex offenders can turn up to court with a good lawyer, good A level results and a nice suit and laugh at their victims.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/02/2019 07:38

OP it's sad and very telling that you think this boys academic prowess means he can't possibly be a bully.
Either way, he's not going on the register so I think you sound calm down and reassess some of your ideas.

RockyFlintstone · 12/02/2019 07:41

The sex offenders register thing sounds just like the sort of thing Jay from The Inbetweeners would come up with! 😂

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 12/02/2019 07:46

Hi all, and thanks for the reports about this thread. Just dropping by to add that we've had a look behind the scenes, and can't find anything to suggest that the OP isn't genuine.

onemorego2019 · 12/02/2019 07:52

15 year olds exaggerate things. I know this because I have one! Someone once jokingly put fly spray in someone's drink - word on the street was it was attempted murder 🙄😂

I think this is a 'thing' currently- I believe it's called kegging 🙄

He won't be on the sex offenders list but quite rightly needs to be told off seriously.

onemorego2019 · 12/02/2019 07:53

Ps re the inbetweeners - yes absolutely because that is what 15 year old boys are like!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/02/2019 07:55

ConfusedConfused honestly OP do you honesty think someone can be put on the SOR without a full investigation and no police involvement

Your not the stupid/naive are you?

Namechangedforthis79 · 12/02/2019 07:59

If I were you I would be worried about what my son was up to behind my back considering his friends think it's ok to expose someone's genitals and film an underage girl having sex and then post it on social media.

Damntheman · 12/02/2019 08:00

Agree with the majority that what this boy did is bullying. I'd even go a little further and say it was a concerning step on the way to assault. Exposing another child without their consent is not even slightly okay, I hope the consequences have taught this boy a valuable lesson. Please stop minimising this and talk with your own son about how this kind of behaviour is never acceptable.

Grimbles · 12/02/2019 08:00

Its incidents like this being excused (because it was a prank and definitely not bullying because the perpetrator is a nice lad and a good student, blah blah blah), that lead on to the type of behaviour that recently happened at Warwick.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 12/02/2019 08:02

Are you sure the school haven’t just tried to hammer home the POTENTIAL consequences if he was to behave like this again? My friend is a teacher, and if the kids hit, fight etc they always explain the age of criminal responsibility, and the fact that they COULD be arrested and charged for assault if the other child and their parents were to press charges. It’s supposed to help them understand that their behaviour is serious and not just ‘kids stuff’.

I’m not sure why you seem so keen to minimises his actions though. Being “usually really well behaved and generally high achieving academically“ doesn’t give you a pass to humiliate and bully another person. His exclusion will hopefully ensure he behaves better in the future.

Yesmate · 12/02/2019 08:04

OP would you think it was just larking around if it was your son who had been on the receiving end of this prank (by prank I mean bullying behaviour)

RockyFlintstone · 12/02/2019 08:05

Yes, I totally agree that this was unacceptable behaviour and that 'nice lads' don't do that sort of thing.

But the 'sex offenders register' thing is kind of funny because it's so obviously not true - the incident will have been logged at school, that is the 'register' that your son is talking about.

BobTheDuvet · 12/02/2019 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2019 08:13

He is the total opposite of a bully by the way, which is why I sympathised so much with him

No! Only nasty people do this, they like to see the humiliation.

And he is really revelling in it, isn't he? "OOooh! I am so bad I am going on the SOR! That's how bad I am"

I can see why a 15 yr old boy might be taken in by that... but you OP are an adult! Get a grip! Save your own child, talk some sense into him. Easily done by knowing what an SOR is... Google can be yopur friend there!

imanoldbattleaxe · 12/02/2019 08:15

I'd let it lie and be grateful it wasn't your son and educate him on how to respect people.

TheShiteRunner · 12/02/2019 08:16

How would you feel if one of your friends did this to you in front of a peer group?
Would it feel like bullying then?
It's our complete inability to set the standards we expect for ourselves in schools and in young social groups that makes the world so scary for them.
It's bullying, humiliating, and you'd hate for it to happen to you. Don't give them a different set of standards because that is unfair on them.

angieloumc · 12/02/2019 08:17

I've got 3 adult DS's and if one of them had done this 'prank' there would've been serious consequences for them. I hope the parents of this bully, because that's what he is, have come down on him like a ton of bricks. And I'm glad it wasn't your son that did it because you clearly don't think there is anything wrong with it.,

Skittlesss · 12/02/2019 08:17

Perhaps he has been warned by school as regards the sex offenders register - to scare him from doing “things” like that.

In reality, he won’t be put on the SOR for that. Unless you’ve a massive drip feed then there doesn’t appear to be any sexual element to the act.

OnTheHop · 12/02/2019 08:21

“I'm wondering that this will demonise him so much that he will start thinking he is actually a bad person and it will be enough to send him down the wrong path.”

You and your Ds seem to have an appetite for high drama.

Maybe spend some time imagining the effect of having your genital exposed to a changing room of teen boys...

Original poster
Neonata · 12/02/2019 08:22

But there IS a register that he's been put on that is not just specific to his school, which makes it seem very serious.

He told his friends that he and his parents were told by the school in the subsequent meeting that he was to go on the register for these sorts of sexually related incidents.

It's the same register that their acquaintance went on who is at another school, for a much more serious offence that the police had to get involved in. Also, that was a sexual act that happened at the boy's home and was then shared on social media, so I don't think his school was involved at all.

So this seems like a register that at least covers our local authority.

Knowing the teenager well, IMO this just seems a totally bonkers reaction and one that could have some really negative consequences for what was just a silly (but badly judged) prank.

OP posts: