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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i being unresonable to expect my husband to prioritse his children over his relatives

115 replies

MMMMS · 10/02/2019 22:23

I have been married for almost three years and have 2 DS's. recently my husband has said he no longer wants to financially support me as he wants to financially support his relatives. i have told him that its his responsibility to care for me and his children first and if he doesnt want to provide for us, its better for him to leave.

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Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 04:51

i think its better to just leave him, its a shame how so many men these days think a working woman should soley be responsible for feeding her kids whilst he can send all his money abroad....ladies if you ever marry someone from abroad be very careful! i know not at all men are the same but the MAJORITY of them are like this!

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Nodnol · 11/02/2019 05:29

Ditch him and report him for working cash in hand.

hankib · 11/02/2019 05:46

This is ridiculous! I am also muslim (and pretty religious too) and would murder my DH if he thought this was acceptable, which he wouldn’t because having a family i.e. wife and kids is such an important aspect of Islam! You can’t just pick and choose when to opt out of your life. He’s their father, as a father he has the responsibility to financially provide for them and for you, that’s not just a moral obligation but also a religious one! This is making me so angry, I feel for you OP. If I were you I would get a divorce and kick him to the kerb, your lovely DC do not deserve to have a parent who would rather parent grown ass adults than them! AngryShock

Ghanagirl · 11/02/2019 07:36

@MMMMS
ladies if you ever marry someone from abroad be very careful! i know not at all men are the same but the MAJORITY of them are like this!
Okay that’s not incredibly zenaphobic,
I’ve lost sympathy.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 07:43

@ghanagirl it would be zenophonic if i said all im saying some and Also i feel its important to make other ladies aware as it is happening a lot

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Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 07:45

@hankib indeed it is but a lot tend to pick and choose what they want from religion. its a shame our religion allows a man to have multiple wives without needing to seek permission. sometimes i feel our religion is made for men

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Holidayshopping · 11/02/2019 07:49

his relatives are financially well off

Why does he need to send them money then?

my salary is ok to survive on, however i dont think i could work with two kids under the age of two

Do you work at the moment? If so-who looks after the children?

NabooThatsWho · 11/02/2019 07:51

‘sometimes i feel our religion is made for men’

All religions were made FOR men BY men. Better to use common sense.

Moussemoose · 11/02/2019 07:56

My understanding of Islamic law was that man does need to ask permission to take on more wives. Also, the man must be able to treat all the wives the way he treats his first wife. The man has an absolute responsibility to treat his first wife well no matter what the circumstances.

The issues seem cultural rather than religious.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 11/02/2019 07:59

Remember the law here says one wife! Prepare to report him......
And get your dc away from such a twat. He cares not one jot for any of you.
Keep passports hidden or with a friend.

And report him to hmrc.

Ghanagirl · 11/02/2019 08:06

@MMMMS
Yes SOME MEN from all places on the Globe are financially abusive nothing to do with religion and culture.

Ghanagirl · 11/02/2019 08:10

@MMMMS
So how old are your children and who looks after them?
How are you paying bills etc at present?
Does your husband live you i’m Unclear of the set up?

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:14

@Moussemoose well thats what i thought and when i did my research technically a man does not need permission to get a second wife or third wife etc all he needs to do is treat them fairly....and lets face it, no one can treat all their wifes equally

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DerelictWreck · 11/02/2019 08:16

ghanagirl it would be zenophonic if i said all im saying some Yeahhhhhh that's not how zenophobia works...

Also this its a shame how so many men these days think a working woman should soley be responsible for feeding her kids whilst he can send all his money abroad is not a thing! 'so many men' do not think this, you've just got yourself a bad marriage.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:17

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon one wife in this country, also in the uk ive seen a lot of men keep multiple wives we have a loophole where Islamic marriages arent legally recognised in the UK so technically he could have one registered legally and the second and third as islamic only.
i handed his passport to him and told him to leave

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Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:19

@Ghanagirl at the moment he pays no bills we are living with my parents as i have just recently had my second child. all he has to pay for is milk and nappies and he is having a terrible time paying up for that!

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SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 08:19

Ask him what would happen if you decided to support your relatives first. Should the children be left to starve?

In any event, ell him you've decided to support your relatives first before him, so he can forget getting any food unless he buys and cooks it.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:20

@NabooThatsWho very true! it all seems man made! shame we women cant start our own religion

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Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:21

@SaturdayNext tried that! got told since im a married woman i can no longer help my own family as i am now "owned" by his family

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Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 11/02/2019 08:21

Tell your dps the truth, support from them will give you extra strength to get rid.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:22

@Holidayshopping well relatives abroad never seem to get enough, they are always wanting more its like a child in a sweet shop

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Ghanagirl · 11/02/2019 08:22

@MMMMS
So at present your both freeloading off your parents.
I don’t think either of you was ready to get married or have children if neither are prepared to work.
He wants to support his family whilst your happy for your parents to support you but not him.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:24

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon unfortunately they are siding with him to save my "marriage" apparently a women should just put her head down and listen to all the crap a man has to say. its medieval times in south asian cultures still

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Ghanagirl · 11/02/2019 08:26

its medieval times in south asian cultures still
It’s your marriage and both you and husbands attitude that is wrong.
You seem fine with your parents supporting you and children just not him.

Original poster
MMMMS · 11/02/2019 08:27

@Ghanagirl actually no i am paying my parents bills as part of the agreement staying with them! it was decided by them that i should stay with them rather then move out. you dont need to be so judgemental! also my parents are supporting him and i have no concern for that but what is upsetting is that he seems to think he has no responsibility for me or the kids!

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