Inlaws & sil issue

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

I also think you are being envious. I can understand that you would want your PiLs to give their attention to your DS when you're visiting, but resenting the little boy for it is unreasonable and doesn't make you look good, tbh. And not visiting as often just because you don't like the setup is not fair on your son, you are robbing him of a chance to bond with his family, which is petty and selfish.

I don’t think OP is resentful towards the little boy at all.

I think not visiting a house where your ds is made to feel like an unwelcome outsider makes perfect sense. What Im not sure about is why you are so keen to have his rude and clearly disinterested grandparents in his life so frequently, let alone more often. I get that you'd like them to be nicer and more intetested but the sad fact is they're not.

It may be worth just saying that you understand the family dynamics are complicated becsuse sil lives their but tell them your child feels sad they do not get alone time with grand parents when his cousin gets that daily. Ask them if they would mind spending some quality time with their other grand child as they already have a solid relationship with their other grand son.

I'd try and go about it differently, arrange two activities at once, one that's too young for DN and one that's too old for DD

Boys and girls
You, MIL, SIL and DD do one
DH, FIL and DN do another

You go with SIL and DN, while your DD goes with GP and DH

Or if you aren't as bothered with DH getting that time, why don't you both take her and DN out while GP have DD.

It comes across a lot nicer, you are considering your nephew so they are less likely to try and bring him along etc. Would also help your SIL and maybe your relationship with DN.

If you suggest something fun then they feel mean for leaving DN out and bad on SIL leaving her to fend for herself, offering an alternative activity and you being there to support SIL would prevent both of those issues. Then maybe you could meet up for lunch or in the park afterwards to build up the cousin relationship - everyone is happier?

Mummyoflittledragon
It is sad indeed. The PILS are really the ones causing this problem.

I'm sorry to hear you don't have a good relationship with your sibling.

I'm lucky to have a close family and the cousins all get on so well.

OP.. a change of tactic is called for here... the closer you can get to your SIL the better.

My cousins (few different families) didn't live with my GP but they might as well have, I always felt like... Not even second best... And so did my sisters (and we are a mix of oldest, youngest and in between other cousins)

That relationship never improved between us and our GP (still obvious favoritism going on) but we do have a good relationship with our cousins as adults as we realise it was nothing to do with them, they had no control over the situation, they were just lucky.

Our other GP took the time to have all the cousins together, but also to make each one of us feel individual at different times and in different ways. Even with me and my sisters, we never felt like a package of 3, we all felt special in our own way but no more or less than siblings or cousins.

We are closer to these cousins and incredibly close with our grandparents, it's our other GPs who lost out in the end, not us. Just made me appreciate my grandparents all the more even as a child

I’ve been there as well
The constant DN is doing x taking him to football and other clubs full on talking as if it’s their only child - really annoying

DD was left out because she’s a girl - awful

House full of his pictures and none of ours

It horrid

It didn’t change

@GreenTulips the pictures thing! None of us or ds. EVERYWHERE of sil and her girls.

Ds draws or paints a picture to put on the fridge and it's gone by the next time we go and it's full of the girl's pictures. It makes me want to cry for him!

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. You want your own husband and son to have a level playing field... one to one access to your in-laws just as your SIL does.

THIS!!!! ^

OP I'm sure this has been said 100 times by now but it's his home.. and it's wonderful he see s it as such. he's child born onto this cruel hard world without a dad s love.

However it's a Shame your in laws can't be proactive and suggest time alone.

I think in casual diplomatic conversation you should mention this... it's occured too me we never see you alone and actually DH said sometimes he would like too see you both alone...

but it's his home..

It can still be his home without making his cousin unwelcome - no need for his rudeness

Unfortunately if they wanted to spend time alone with you all they would make the effort. Im in the same situation and have accepted that.

Sounds like jealousy. Not that I'm trying to judge you - I get pissed off with my B and SIL on occasion because they both are given ridiculous amounts of financial and practical support from parents that DH and I don't receive (on both sides of the family). Apparently we're "the sensible ones" and so don't have the luxury of ever being helped by them in any way shape or form, whilst our irresponsible siblings are just handed money and help like it's going out of style. Is it any wonder they are such screw ups when they are being enabled like this? It boils my blood. It also makes me view some of their behaviour towards me as unreasonable even when it isn't. It's not your business what goes on between SIL and PIL, OP, and letting it get to you will only hurt you in the end. Be the bigger person and rise above it.