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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws & sil issue

164 replies

Hawkinsfirefly99 · 10/02/2019 14:08

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

OP posts:

stayathomer · 10/02/2019 16:42

It's not great if your nephew is spoilt/ doesn't share but it is his home ( sorry) and people who live together are always going to go places in packs because that's part of their daily routine. Btw the one thing you are wrong about is calling your sil useless. 1. Nobody is useless 2. If she doesn't do a lot it's possibly because your ils are doing/ want to do stuff for them

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 16:44

Yeah, you're not covering yourself in glory here. You sound envious, like a spoiled kid saying what about me, and wanting to exclude people.

It is their house, end of. They live there, if you and your husband are so envious and dislike his sibling and her son so much you resent her and want to exclude her crack on, but it's a shame for your son that rhe pair of you will damage and limit his relationship with his extended family because of your pettiness.

CircleofWillis · 10/02/2019 16:45

Hawkins, why don’t you take him up during school time a bit more while you can. You can then talk to them about how valuable it is for him to have special time with his grandparents.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 16:48

You might ask what was the problem in staying until nephew came home but for me it was just the principle

What was the principle? Other than doing your kid out of some fun and bonding with his cousin. Or was that just the result ?

MortyVicar · 10/02/2019 16:54

Hawkins the sense I'm getting is that you feel like you, your DH and the DCs are outsiders. In a way it's inevitable - they live in the same house, their lives are completely intertwined, for you it's not unlike playing gooseberry.

Consequently you feel you are (or more to the point, your DCs are) of less importance and treated accordingly.

It's not at all the same as a large family all coming together at the grandparent's at the weekend and the cousins all playing together, because then the DCs are all in the same situation.

It is what it is. You're not going to change the dynamic they have with SIL. So you need to come up with a way of managing it. I'd suggest dropping the idea that they might one day think they'd like to see DS on his own. Take visits with a pinch of salt, keep them infrequent and build a network of friends who can be aunty and uncle to DS.

At the moment your frustration is borne out of trying to get them to have a face palm moment where they realise what they're doing. Sadly they're not going to.

Oysterbabe · 10/02/2019 16:57

I don't get why you can't visit often because SIL and nephew are there or why you need 1 on 1 time. You're all family. Maybe if you made more of an effort to see them then you'd all become closer.

Annabk · 10/02/2019 17:02

YABU. I don’t recall seeing my GPs without cousins there too and we never see my MIL and PIL without at least one of DH’s siblings being there, it’s just what happens.

Annabk · 10/02/2019 17:03

*FIL not PIL

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/02/2019 17:04

Ask PIL for one on one time maybe even tell them it's to give them break from kids ( yours can be looked after by sIL)
Politely ask for what you want
They all seem v happy with set up do I think you need to accept that
A 3 yr old snatching toys is hardly a big deal

Raspberry88 · 10/02/2019 17:07

I'm shocked that you're saying my dp has no right to see his parents alone. Wow.

I think what pink is saying is that they can't just exclude your SIL and DN if they all live together I rarely see my DP alone because I'm in a big family and that's just part of it and I never saw my GP alone. I agree YABU, it's not coming across like you really don't like them very much.

Springwalk · 10/02/2019 17:08

I am pretty sure your SIL would prefer to be in her own home with a partner, and may even envy your independence and set up. No one chooses to be abandoned op.

The fact is she needs them far more than you do, and they are responding to needs, this does not mean your ds is any less loved or cared for.
Ultimately that child does not have a father. Can you really begrudge him his gp? Or a home he feels safe in?

Demanding equal one to one time is going to cause hurt and offence. It will come in time, but for now I would be mature, see this for what is and be kind to your SIL and nephew.

FilthyforFirth · 10/02/2019 17:09

I understand where you are coming from. I have a similar experience. My SIL (who is the favourite) is divorcing her husband, though this has been an issue since her DS was born. She either spends all her time at MIL or her son is there without her.

She doesnt spend much time with my DS and rarely on his own. Does seem unfair her other GS gets 1-1 time but there you go.

It used to really upset me but I dont bother so much now. My family are brilliant. My parents have 3 DGC close in age and see them all separately and together.

How are your family? Do you spend a lot of time with them?

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 17:12

I suspect this behaviour goes back to childhood and the parents are fully aware of the ops husbands sibling rivalry towards his sister. And it's just something he has never grown out of.

Clearly, for whatever reason they have decided not to pander to it and go for the exclusive approach. As they likely did when they were kids.

Janethevirgo · 10/02/2019 17:13

Your dh needs to address this directly with his parents. Explain exactly how you feel and if they don’t/won’t do anything then that’s their decision you have to accept. I do understand where you are coming from

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/02/2019 17:13

I don't think YAB at all U. Your nephew gets a lot of his grandparents' time on his own. All you are asking is for a little bit of the same for your DC.

I had a similar situation which led to me staying away from my parents' home for years. My DC had no relationship to speak of with their grandparents during that time.

Speak to your MIL, explain how much you would like your DC to have their own bond with her just as your DN has. If she doesn't get it, there's not much you can do other than back off and leave them to it.

Birdie6 · 10/02/2019 17:15

I guess you have to accept that your DH family consists of the grandparents and the sil and nephew, and probably always will.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and this is what your DH's family looks like. You can't expect that anything will change - and I doubt that your son will feel as resentful as you apparently do, about it.

RelaisBlu · 10/02/2019 17:19

As someone whose mother provided childcare to my sister's children and took far more interest in them than mine, I have some sympathy. But why aren't you happy for the 2 little cousins to be friends? The age gap of 2 years will become less significant as they grow older. I would use the situation in a positive way to nurture this relationship

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2019 17:19

YANBU to want time alone with the gps. YABU to speak about your nephew in this way. He’s a little boy and doesn’t know any better... and he’s behaviour isn’t awful at all.

I would tackle the toy situation by bringing some toys to share and taking your nephew to one side when you arrive and ask him which 5 toys you think it would be ok for your ds to play with. Ask your sil / mil to take any away, which are special. You need to be really kind to him and at the same time be clear that in this family we are kind to eachother and share.

As for being alone with the gps, I think you should explain to them that you want your ds to have some 121 time with them. If necessary, why don’t you take your nephew and sil off somewhere like the park etc?

I also agree that your in-laws are driving this situation and feel sorry for your sil and nephew. It really is time for her to try to stand on her own two feet so anything you can say would be useful. Perhaps you could do this and leave the in laws with ds as I suggested?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/02/2019 17:23

*It is what it is. You're not going to change the dynamic they have with SIL. So you need to come up with a way of managing it. I'd suggest dropping the idea that they might one day think they'd like to see DS on his own. Take visits with a pinch of salt, keep them infrequent and build a network of friends who can be aunty and uncle to DS.

At the moment your frustration is borne out of trying to get them to have a face palm moment where they realise what they're doing. Sadly they're not going to*

Good advice. SIL sounds like the spoiled and enabled golden child. Distance yourselves and don't bank on any inheritance either. Just make sure you are not left responsible for SIL in the future when she needs someone else to enable her.

Aridane · 10/02/2019 17:27

YABU and jealous

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/02/2019 17:31

The OP doesn't need to worry, the SIL will move on in good time for her to take over the care of her elderly PIL. speaks from bitter experience

Notwiththeseknees · 10/02/2019 17:32

I totally see where you are coming from OP and even if you do feel slightly jealous, I really don't blame you.

How about asking the GPs to babysit for you on a regular basis, say once a fortnight, then maybe have a last minute cancellation of plans and stay in with them (or go & come back early), get the wine out and have a lovely 'impromptu' evening. It's s bit contrived, but maybe they will realise that your company is lovely and they can enjoy themselves without DSIL & DSILDS.

I do think you should embrace DSILDS though as it will be lovely going forward. Perhaps have him for sleepovers so DSIL can go out, meet the partner of her dreams and set up home with them instead of monopolising the GPs.

Not an easy situation

Dotty1970 · 10/02/2019 17:37

I was understanding some bits to a point however i have nothing to say other than you sound like a very vindictive, jealous and spiteful person.

username79999 · 10/02/2019 17:40

Hmmm I do think you are being a bit unreasonable but I can understand that your a bit irked by Sil always there.
It sounds to me that you don't like Sil much that's fair enough but your nephew I think your unreasonable not not want him around.
So if you invite in-laws round do they come too ?
To be honest not a lot you can do if she always insists on being around. Most probably in-laws May love having Sil and nephew living with them.
It won't be forever hopefully she's going to get her own place eventually .

Lellikelly26 · 10/02/2019 17:50

You sound quite bitchy about your SIL and frankly a bit jealous. Even though the poor girl is in a crappy situation. How about try being kinder?

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