Inlaws & sil issue

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

Sorry, you’re coming across as jealous. Why can’t you all spend time together?

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. You want your own husband and son to have a level playing field... one to one access to your in-laws just as your SIL does.

^This

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want your child to have grandparents who sometimes give him their undivided attention. It sounds like the other child gets all of their attention even when your son visits, is that the case?

Is your MIL the sort of person you can talk calmly to, or would she be offended? There is always going to be an imbalance here, but maybe you could talk about ways to lessen the impact on your child.

Your DH needs to find his back bone and just explain whilst it's lovely that you see SIL and DN often he would also like to spend time with just them regularly too and for his DC to sometimes get their undivided attention.

His parents or clearly oblivious to how he feels they just see it as their family being altogether how lovely!

As an aside get them to come for dinner then babysit whilst you and DH go out... surely then DN and SIL can't come?

The people who need accommodation the most are, in this order:

1. Nephew
2. Grandparents
3. SIL
4. DS
5. You and DH

You’re complaining that you don’t have the ideal grandparent/IL set-up that you’ve imagined for yourself and your DS. I don’t imagine newphew has the ideal parental set-up, SIL the ideal parenting set-up, or your ILs the ideal grandparenting/parenting set-up.

You’re just sore that SIL and her son gets it everything from them and you don’t get an equal cut.

Why don’t they come to your house from time to time?

We have a similar situation here. I think acceptance is key. It isn't going to change. So between you and DH you need to decide what that means. For us, it means we see less of DH family because trying to accommodate everyone is difficult. When we do see them we take the positive from it. It also means I have given up trying to be fair. Our kids have a very unequal relationship between their two sets of grandparents. It isn't ideal but it isn't going to change so we make the best of it.

For some reason you seriously dislike your nephew, but that is not the fault of anyone other than yourselves.

I only have one dd and one dgd and they live with me, so no problems of jealousy here, but I cannot imagine someone resenting dgd for living in her home and calling it her home, that is frankly weird.

You need to spell it out, it isn't a bad thing to want alone time with your MIL/FIL without your SIL and/or nephew.

My Mum was my sister's childcare. So often in the school holidays we would see all of them. But my Mum also made time to just see us because she knew it was important to us that she not have to divide her time between all 4 grandchildren.

I would say about the toys that your nephew needs to put away the toys he doesn't want to share. We always had that rule at my house, anything you didn't want another child to touch went into the bedroom, anything left in the playroom was fair game.

It is your nephew's house. Be thankful you are not in this situation yourself.

“
We invited (just them!) for a weekend away with us and they brought sil and nephew. We didn't see much of them over the weekend because sil had booked nephew into some kids club activities so they went along to those together.”

Not at all unreasonable to be pissed off at that. That is pretty disrespectful to you, DH and DS.

If that’s the way they are though, they won’t change. You can either accept it, face into the drama or just keep a bit of a distance. I would do the latter.

We do invite pil's over but mil doesn't like coming over because her house is bigger. They live in a large detached house in the middle of nowhere whereas we have a 3 bed terrace.

By way of background sil does have the financial means to live alone..she has 50k+ in savings. But pils tell her she can't afford to move out so she lacks a lot of confidence in that regard and she's easily told what to do/bossed about.

YABU and PFB. My SIL is single but has recently moved home and her and MIL are like a couple and always go everywhere/are everywhere together so she's almost always around when we see them with DS. I don't care. Why would I?

@streetwisehercules keeping our distance is what we try to do now.

Hmm it's difficult. Im guessing u don't really like sil but it is your dn home. We live practical next to in-laws and my dc are there lots so they have loads if toys there, books. When sil stays with dn they all happily play together with toys that are essentially my dc toys but it's all good.

Could u arrange for one gp to take your dc to an activity that's in school time once a week?

It's a bit unfair if you haven't actually told them you want to see them on their own. They all live together so will see themselves as a group.

I would really consider telling them you want to see them on a specific occasion without SIL and nephew, otherwise you are just going to be offended that they haven't 'guessed'. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to see them on their own at all or for your son to have one-to-one time with them, but you're going to need to spell it out for them. You obviously want them to take the hint by arranging to meet them elsewhere but it's not working and it's just making you feel hurt.

I do sympathise, I'm currently trying to work up a polite way of saying to some of my own family that they are being a bit daft! It can be hard!

TBH it sounds like MIL is enjoying "being Mum" again hence doesn't want to be apart from DN!

I would actually actively seek a relationship with SIL separate to PIL and encourage her to become more independent else she is going to be stuck looking after PIL in their old age, never having a partner or life of her own in between

As children we hardly ever saw my grandparents alone. There was 11 grandchildren and we usually mostly congregated at grandparents house on a Saturday am. Dm got to see some of her siblings, we got to see our cousins and grandparents and it was great. Even on days out with our grandparents it was never just them and one set of grandkids there was almost always at least two siblings and their offspring.

Sorry but yabu here. Your ds has no right to see his grandparents on his own and your really your DH has no rights to see his parents alone (although I could see why he might want to).

@pinkprincess1978 I'm shocked that you're saying my dp has no right to see his parents alone. Wow.

I'd like to think I'd always make the time to see my son and his family without every other sibling and their families tagging along. Yes, family get togethers are great, but on a basic every day level I'd like to spend time with each family too.

@RandomMess We have considered this but have a feeling the pils would turn up too. I think we'll give it a try.

Be very specific with SIL!!! Get them to come and stay for the weekend, no room for the PIL then

They are not treating SIL and DN well they are fulfilling their own needs at SIL expense.

Can I ask again OP, why don’t you take your son up to see his GP when nephew is at school. You could go on your own you don’t need to wait for your DP to be free.

@CircleofWillis because usually i work. At the moment I'm on maternity leave so i did go round there prior to Christmas with just ds. Mil tried to get me stay until nephew had finished school so nephew could see his cousins but i made my excuses. She can be very persuasive and i feel awkward and uncomfortable saying no to her. I know i just need to grow a pair.

You might ask what was the problem in staying until nephew came home but for me it was just the principle.

YABU on all counts, although I understand the wanting time with ils without sil and nephew.
Just speak to them and explain that it's nice to do things all together but could you arrange something with just gps and your family.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I can understand when people say your coming across as jealous but I don’t think that.
I frequently spend time with my parents, MIL, SIL just together alone. The dynamic changes with other people in the room. Sometime I need a rant about the DH to my SIL (she is impartial and knows it’s just a rant) I couldn’t do that if anyone else was there. I also don’t think it’s unfair in you wanting to build a 1:1 relationship between your son and his GPs

Those who are saying YABU, how can you rationalise inviting the GPs on holiday and the GPs turning up with SIL and DN? And then spending the whole holiday with SIL and DN?

You're resentful because SIL and your nephew are the 'favourites'. My SIL, husband and nephews are too. They live next door to PIL. The DC are teens now and it's never got any better. We've come to accept they come as a package of six. FIL even refers to my nephews as "ours". No answer but sympathies.