Inlaws & sil issue

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

It is your nephew's house.

UABVU and are coming across as not very kind.

@Cheeeseislife i don't know how to amend my original post and if I'd included every little detail my op would have been massive.

nephew shouts 'this is my house' at my 3 year old son when we go and visit grandparents and they don't say anything...nothing!!

It's hardly making him feel welcome in my son's grandparent's house!

But it is his house! He’s 5! It’s his home! He doesn’t live in his grandparents’ home. He lives in his home, with his mum and grandparents.

You’re being awfully mean about a little child. You’re acting as though he lives in your son’s GP’s house (!) on sufferance.

Do you really expect a 5yo boy - who has an absent father and an uncommon set-up - to know or understand that he needs to be understanding of his 3yo cousin’s wish to visit his GPs?

I don’t even understand what you want. What do you expect the GPs to say to your nephew? “No, dear, this isn’t your home, it’s ours, you just live here because your mum is too thick to cope alone”??

The more you write, OP, the more viscious you’re sounding. There’s more to this than you’re letting on. You’re being extremely PFB, to the point of lashing out at another child, via his mum and grandparents. What’s really going on here?

Does your DS have your parents as active grandparents in his life?

I’m guessing nephew doesn’t?

@7salmon no i expect them to say, 'yes and he is your cousin, and our other grandchild, and very much welcome here'..

or something along those lines, instead of saying nothing which makes my 3 year old uncomfortable and want to go home

But it is his house! He’s 5! It’s his home! He doesn’t live in his grandparents’ home. He lives in his home, with his mum and grandparents.

This!

Makes your 3yo uncomfortable and want to go home? Look, if this is the case, you need to quite calmly and nicely (because it’s really not a big deal) say as much to nephew yourself. “Yes, and thank you for having us over. DS is really happy to play with you and your toys. Next time you can come to our house and play with his”.

Also, your 3yo shouldn’t be pandered to to the extent he needs to be made to feel welcome. He’s just there. He’s family. He belongs in that house and has a right to it. Just like your nephew.

@7salmon yes my parents are in my children's lives.

No, nephew has no contact with his father or other grandparents which only makes pils feel guilt over the situation and want to fill that void.

I have no problem with sil or nephew. All i want is just a little time with pils without them always being in tow. I really dont understand why that's seen as jealous. Yes, resentment has built over the years and i guess that may come across in my post.

I guess i feel that because they practically raise him and he's like a child to them, my dc get sidelined as a result and are almost seen as 'less important'. Yes, we don't like to visit them at their house because of the territorial way my nephew hence why we tend to meet up out and about.

I want to alter the balance and have more time with them alone where my children don't have to always share my husband's parents, whether that's selfish or not.

I can understand your POV. It's a shame your DD doesn't have a traditional GP/GC relationship.

But looking at it from another angle, your DN doesn't have a DF. He doesn't have another set of GP to visit. He never gets time alone with his DM without his GP. He had to adhere to 3 different adults (and : generations) of discipline. He knows that he died t live in a traditional household set up and is trying to find and mark his place in the world.

Any chance you can develop a special shared hobby between DS and GP? Is it practical (distance wise) for them to take him to weekly swimming lessons? Or to pick him up from school (once he starts) on Tuesdays? Or to pay for his football club dubs and therefore go to watch his matches ...

Your DC probably are sidelined compared to your nephew. When you look at all the children, don’t you think that’s fair?

Your DC have a mother, a father, two grandmothers, two grandfathers, and however many cousins and aunts and uncles. They have a “normal” set-up, which makes school and play dates and so forth easy. They have parents who have full autonomy over their and their children’s lives.

Nephew has a mother, 2 grandparents, and however many cousins/aunts/uncles. His home life is uncommon, something that he will begin to be aware of at 5yo. He has 3 authority figures, two of whom are considerably older, no siblings. An absent father.

Don’t you think he’s allowed a little more attention? Your DC having the sort of access you’re describing would be the cherry on top of the icing on the cake. Compare to nephew’s life.

so I think we'll just need to say very politely that we dont always need to see sil and nephew everytime we see them

I would not say this, and actually I think this might be at the heart of it. I think the reason you're coming across as a bit unsympathetic is because you're conflating two things

• yes, it would be nice and good for your DC (and you and DP) to have some one to one time with your PILs

• no, it's not unreasonable for SIL and DN to treat PILs home as theirs and for the four of them to act as a bit of a nuclear family unit. Which is basically what the other stuff all comes down to.

It seems like your frustration at the first is (kind of understandably) meaning you are seeing all the second group of stuff through the prism of unfairness. So I wouldn't say it the way you've phrased it. I would say that you'd really like them to spend some time with your DC on their own to build that relationship, and have some suggestions about how they could do that - and be ready to have a word with SIL about what you've suggested and why, that doesn't sound like you think her DN is bad at sharing/territorial (because honestly, he's five and it's his home and he sees his grandparents as second parents so, yeah, he probably feels scared and defensive about other people's claims on them)

Of course YABU.

Why, however, ask 'AIBU?' and then say Thank you...someone else with reason!! when you get one of a small % agreeing with you ?

MN needs a separate section for "Please only reply if you think I@m not BU"

I don't get the need for '1-1 time' with Grandparents. My dc partially go to Grandparents to see their cousins. You have quoted your DN saying things that I might explain to him about 'being kind' and 'the way he speaks to people' - children need to learn that - all children have a learning curve and it sounds like he is going through that.

You sound about 13. Your DIL needs the help and you’re begrudging her her family home?! Help from her own parents? You have a husband. She has no one. All she has are her parents. No in-laws to dote on her son. You have you’re parents. Some empathy might go a long way OP.

Most children would prefer to spend time with their cousins than with their grandparents.

You might ask what was the problem in staying until nephew came home but for me it was just the principle

That really says it all.

And, yes, it is his house!!

We have the forced relationship between cousins. Pils do childrecare/shopping etc you cannot go around to pils house without cousin and parent being there.

We just don’t go round much anymore now. Our oldest in no way wants to play with a baby, yet the parent always makes jabs the second any of mine doesn’t want to play (be climbed on/pulled at etc) or are being horrible by saying no.

All cousins events are held at pils, we are ordered to attend yet our children don’t get events there and cousin/parent doesn’t make sure they attend for Our children’s events when arranged.

It’s a complete double standard and I’m sick of my children being second class grandchildren.

You are MASSIVELY over thinking this and making a big deal out of a situation you need to accept and get on with. I have forty one first cousins between the two sides. I still remember getting to bake on my own with each grandmother and walking around the garden after my grandfather but one on one time was rare. YABVVVVU to expect your PIL to talk to your husbands nephew like he's an adult. I think things would be massively improved if you stepped back and stopped making things so tense.

FWIW I was a maid of honour at a cousin's wedding a few years ago and made a speech that started, "Your cousins are your first friends," and I really believe that. Both children will benefit from you stopping driving a wedge between them

@backforgood because quite frankly, im flabbergasted at how many people are saying I'm unreasonable.

Interesting though that those who think im not being unreasonable have been through a similar situation. I think that says it all.

I don’t think you’re going to change your mind OP. Sounds like you want validation for your feelings, rather than a view to understanding and accepting that you may be wrong in this one.

It’s unpleasant, this stingy behaviour. Couple that with thinking your 3yo needs to be made to feel welcome by a 5yo....it’s sad, really. Good luck.

Same @chillipizza. Nephew has a massive party in their garden every year for his birthday and pil insists we attend. We couldn't last year (dh text sil to tell her) and mil was straight on the phone demanding why. Despite the fact we were seeing them the very next day. Pil asked us to take a day off work for nephews birthday one year to which i politely declined (i work and have limited annual leave, before people jump down my throat for being selfish).

In regards to the forced cousin relationship i don't get why it needs to be forced? My nephew constantly tries to pick my 3 year old up. My 3 year old tries to squirm away, wanting to get down, clearly not enjoying it whilst pil and sil go..ahh and laugh.

@7salmon i think you're right. Thanks.

I think the people who are saying the OP is unreasonable are missing the point.
She’s not saying the SIL and DN don’t deserve any sympathy or extra help and attention just that she’d like her DC to also have a close relationship with their DGPs. Surely that’s not unreasonable? When DN says “this is my house” yes of course it is his house and it’s important he feels at home there but is it not also important that the OPs DC feel their DGPs house is special and important to them too?

I really feel in these situations it is up to the DGPs to realise that the other grandchildren are feeling excluded and at least acknowledge it and maybe ask the OP what they could do to improve the situation? But it sounds like they’re either unaware or ignoring it leaving it to slowly fester into resentment instead.

It seems to me like (rightly or wrongly) your ILs are acting as DNs parents. Now you can argue that they maybe shouldn't be, but as it seems like that's how DN considers them. In that light, would you expect them to see your DS and leave out the child they're effectively parenting?

The relationships in this dynamic are unusual so I'm not sure you can reasonably expect a typical GP relationship with them

I really really think you should try to take a BIG step back and try to reframe this whole thing.

You see a little boy, who is upsetting your child and in the way. I totally totally understand why. He is upsetting your child.

I see a little boy, who has a lot of issues and is massively insecure. He feels very threatened. If he weren’t he wouldn’t act this way.

What if you reframed this whole situation and changed your attitude to this little boy? Do you think if you changed your behaviour you could make his life easier and make him more accepting of you and your ds?

Ultimately what you’re doing now isn’t working. What everyone else is doing isn’t working. You are wanting and expecting them to change their behaviour. But that’s out of your control. So the most powerful thing you can do is change yours.

When you change your behaviour and attitude people have to change theirs. So what’s stopping you?

I think some of the replies are a bit harsh, I see where you’re coming from and it doesn’t seem very fair that your nephew gets his GP’s attention every single day but your dc never gets their undivided attention. I think they should have the guts to say to SIL ‘we need to spend a bit of time with our other grandchild now and again on our own’. Maybe though when they have tried to do that she kicks up a fuss and makes them feel guilty? It’s a tricky one but I’d try get your DH to have a quiet word, not argumentative at all, more phrased in a way that you’d just love to have them to yourselves now and again?