Inlaws & sil issue

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

I don’t think YABU by wanting your DS to have a close relationship with his GPs. It seems that the GPs are not particularly sensitive to the fact that the current set-up inevitably makes your DN seem very much the favoured GC as he spends so much time with them and by extension, of course your DS is going to feel a bit excluded. They should be at least attempting to redress the balance a little.

I have a similar situation with my in-laws who openly play favourites with certain GC. I have never directly addressed it with them and whilst I’m fairly sure they are aware they’re doing it I don’t know if they realise how hurtful and damaging this sort of behaviour is. In your case, it is making you resent your SIL and DN which is such a shame.
As a parent, I am always so aware of not playing favourites with my own DC and always being open with them if I feel that something might be misconstrued as favouritism. I feel it is so important to be sensitive and mindful of this and am always surprised that others don’t especially given the potential for long-lasting resentment it can cause.

Unfortunately OP unless you raise the issue with your ILs directly it’s very unlikely anything will change. In my case I’ve gone low contact with my PILs as I was starting to become resentful of my SIL which I really didn’t want to happen (however going LC with them and maintaining relationship with SIL and her family was easier for me as SIL doesn’t live with PILs). In fact, in my less charitable moments, sometimes I wonder if MIL was deliberately behaving this way in order to deliberately cause friction between me and SIL.

@springwalk i completely understand what you're saying.

But we're not frustrated that we don't get 'equal' one to one time. We just want a little bit of one to one time.

Yanbu at all!
You are u though to not be up front about it. Tell them you want them to visit your family alone x times per month. Tell them DN toys need to either be put away or they need to buy "joint toys" for them both to enjoy. Prepare to go NC if necessary.

I have a fantastic relationship with MIL partly because we both voice our expectations i think.

Are your parents involved? Just talk about them constantly when you re over the ILS. Petty i know lol

@Bluntness100 won't they be damaging their relationship with our children when our children grow up and ask why nan and grandad take their cousin away on holiday, out for dinner and on day trips, but not them?

Unfortunately children are fickle.

@stayathomer you're right. It was wrong to call her useless. She doesn't do much around the house. Just allows herself and her son to be mothered by her parents. I guess it would be an easy trap to fall into if you're not being given any encouragement to gain any independence.

@mortyvicar you just summed up the situation very well! I don't think the face palm moment is ever going to happen so I think we'll just need to say very politely that we dont always need to see sil and nephew everytime we see them and that it's nice for us to also spend time together.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to want to spend some time alone with pil for your family's sake. Especially your dc who should have the opportunity to have a relationship with dg without their cousin always being there.

I think people are jumping down your throat about the way you speak about dn but it's likely just frustration coming through that you've been dealing with the inequity for so long. You liking/disliking dn and sil really seems to have little to do with the actual problem - which is how do you get pil alone? I think honesty is the best policy. I would just tell them that you love spending time as a big family but would like to have then occasional day out with just them and when are they available?

I don't think yabu really.

I have a similar ish situation. My brother, his wife and their son don't actually live with my parents but they may as well, they are there seven days a week! It drives me insane! I would love to call to see my parents without them being there or arriving mid visit, I freely admit I fucking hate my brother and his wife though (with good reason) and they total change the dynamics. I have said it to my parents, they hate them calling so much too but they won't say it. So we all plod along, I call less, they seem to call more. Sometimes they even make sly digs about how they would have called earlier if they knew we were there and I actually think they are either on a mission to make sure we never get any time alone or completely fucking thick that they can't see it's just too much for everyone else but them.

@Bluntness100 i can assure you there's no sibling rivalry between my dp and sil.

My pil's basically dont want her to move out. She has the financial means but they tell her she can't afford it. Growing up she's always been made to feel like she can't do anything because she's been smothered. She dropped out of uni and has flitted from job to job. I've heard them call her 'thick' before. I highly suspect they doubt she'd cope on her own..but how will anyone ever know if she doesn't try it?

I do feel for her and i dont dislike her. It's just a crappy situation all round. She probably doesn't want to have to see me and dp everytime we see the pils!

Hello,
AIBU,

I understand your hopes to have the grandparents to be looking a bit more interested in your child.
However, then you should adapt to their specific situation.

Find the balance of what you are ok to give and move from there. Throw your first expectations which aren't happening. It will help resolve frustration and ease the relationship of the cousins.

@kitty2018 in the last few months we have been a little more low key. I feel for my husband though as he does want to see his parents.

Every time your PIL pit down SIL please shoot them down, she really does have the raw deal because she's believing the lies they spew.

I don't get the 'principle' in the example you just gave, you had had time alone with them but wanted to leave before the child got back...for what reason?

I've been in your nephews shoes complete with a grown ass woman being jealous of me and the relationship I had with her in-laws. 🙄

You're not coming across great here at All.

I don't see you as being unreasonable at all. From your OP I get that you would like some 1-1 time for your child with his grandparents . How is that unreasonable? I would have been quite hacked off if my nephew was with my mother and father EVERY time we met up... and I adore my nephew and brother/SIL. !
It's lovely when we are all together AND we made play dates for the cousins to get together- however sometimes it was just time for undivided GP time for mine - and sometimes for DN..
Your DH is the key here. He needs to speak to his parents and explain. I am sure that when your DN/SIL are not there by default then you will actually WANT to spend more time with them .

@Mmmhmmm for what reason was she jealous of you?

Was it because you lived with your grandparents and they took you on holiday, days and meals out etc but never bothered doing the same for your cousins?

They call your SIL “thick” and you are desperate for them to have 1 to 1 Rome with your child

Also I had some sympathy for your position and I guess it must be awkward that SIL and DN are cramping your style most of the time

But then I read this
Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid.
It IS his family house.
And he is FIVE

I just thought think this is such a weird and petty thing to get excited about... you sound childish

I think it is so very clear to anyone who can read and detect basic nuance that the nephew saying this “is my family’s house” is saying in a way as to denote “this is MY family’s house.”

I.e that he is being territorial and unkind towards the 3 year old and that it going entirely unchecked.

I wouldn’t let my 5 year old say things like that to a cousin unchecked, even if it was in my house as opposed to GPs. It’s not nice.

Glad you are not related to me. Have you ever been a single parent? Do you understand how difficult it is to be lonely with a small child to care for?

Seriously, grow up and stop being spiteful.

@horsemen nephew shouts 'this is my house' at my 3 year old son when we go and visit grandparents and they don't say anything...nothing!!

It's hardly making him feel welcome in my son's grandparent's house!

My son walks up the stairs and nephew shouts, 'get off the stairs. These are my families stairs'! Afain, nothing is said. Yes, he's only a child but pil should really tell him to not shout at him and make him feel welcome. He's only visiting his grandparents afterall!

You are not being unreasonable at all but this sounds like this is your PIL's doing convincing SIL she can't live on her own,etc. Good luck OP the others being rude to you calling you jealous or whatnot are so off the mark. Your child when older will notice their favoritism

@StreetwiseHercules
Thank you...someone else with reason!! I know little boys are territorial at the best of times but when we're visiting grandparents in their house (yes, where nephew also happens to live) it should be kept in check.

Why can't they say, 'yes, and he's your cousin and therefore your family'. Instead, nothing is said.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I agree that you need to spell out specifically what your needs are. I thinks it's ok not to include your sil and DN in every single invite.

My dc doesn't get the same attention from my ILs, they definitely favour Sails. They never have my dc without his cousins and it's a bit sad. GPs having favourites is awful and if it gets any worse I'll stop seeing them all together.

@JITSOG i imagine it is very difficult but not beyond the realms of possibility. Plenty of people do it afterall. They don't all live with their parents.

Op you are doing enormous drip feeding.