AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

[Jess499427]

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

Gosh, Bumble, did you check this on first dates in case you accidentally got sucked into a relationship with the Wrong Kind of Woman — you know the type that didn’t want to arbitrarily toss her birth surname for yours just because she had a vagina?

@Bumblehole what are you even doing on this site? Other than spewing misogynistic BS

I'd hate to think he felt like we or I should take care of him

Yes, much better leave the full burden and worry to him. Men don’t need support. How unselfish and thoughtful.

Well, I can’t imagine there were hordes of women beating a path to your door, Bumble, so your potential pool of partners was probably minute.

Funnily enough I’ve never dated anyone who felt that way, I guess there’s a type.

Women who don’t dig shallow misogynists?

We had the same, his name wasn't funny but is different and impossible for British people to pronounce and spell.

We argued and argued and eventually he saw my pov but by then we were so sick of the whole thing. They ended up with first name, then my name as a middle name, then his

However in your shoes I wouldn't give in. There is no point in making things harder for them than it needs to be. They might get bullied for it, they might not, but why take that chance.

The child is equally yours and you have offered compromise. You can do a blended name, or have his as a middle name, or all choose a new name that he can revert to when he's out of the army. But why should he have it all his way? What does it say about how he views you and your connection to your child if he was fine with you having different names but wants baby to be 'his'

Also if th e baby is a girl with a funny name she is much more likely to want to change it if or when she is married so will much more likely to end up with a name with no connection to either of you

But the issue is compromise, you have offered some and now it's his turn. He doesn't have a veto!

Other than spewing misogynistic BS

You mean a mainstream opinion which is actually the normal thing to do in this country?

You mean a mainstream opinion which is actually the normal thing to do in this country?

Can you share the data on the proportion of women who change their names do so because their fiancé refused to contemplate marrying them if they didn’t?

It's interesting bumblehole Because although I took my husband's surname I did so because I wanted to and it was my choice. If it had been an imposed condition then we wouldn't be together. It's interesting you talk about dating, you don't have a long term partner then

Can you share the data on the proportion of women who change their names do so because their fiancé refused to contemplate marrying them if they didn’t?

Can you share the date on the proportion of women who change their surname on marriage because it’s the normal thing to do?

My point is that neither way is incorrect but if your views are incompatible it can cause issues. I suspect it doesn’t occur that often as people are usually drawn to others with similar views and values

You don't seem to understand the issue with it being expected/ enforced though Bumble.

being expected/ enforced though Bumble.

It’s expected because it’s the norm, that’s hardly unreasonable. I don’t see it being enforced though?

You said that you wouldn't marry a woman who didn't change their name. That is enforced as a condition, it isn't the woman's choice.

My DSs have DPs surname. I wasn't really happy but one of us had to give in and my surname is a little embarrassing. I pretty much chose first name and middle name. Only time I have come close to regret is at the airport when they said I should have a letter back up the fact I am the mother. But they let us through anyway. Something to consider. Good luck OP. Difficult one to navigate. But just enjoy your lovely baby. It might become clear when she is born.

“ I wasn't really happy but one of us had to give in and my surname is a little embarrassing.”

Yep. One of those awkward, special “women’s” last names.....
Depressing that this follows shortly afte another woman who didn’t want her children to have her dp’s “difficult to spell” last name and argued and argued then gave in.

People have ridiculous issues pronouncing my ex’s surname so I gave our son mine. Tbf though his dad was in agreement

I'm sure I read that Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper's children are Cooper, not Balls.

Trust me people do laugh at names.
There is absolutely no need what so ever to lumber tour child with a shot name.
Those saying bullying over names doesn't happen, why not call your child Cuntface then?
For exactly that reason, people would take the piss.
I absolutely would not give a child the name Hoare, Dick, Cox or anything to do with Cox such as Mycox, Hiscox. I've met both a Mr Mycox and a Hiscox and thought how very unfortunate.
Like I posted I've had children crying over their surname and begging me not to read it out loud.

Can you share the date on the proportion of women who change their surname on marriage because it’s the normal thing to do?

First, no. That’s not how backing up your arguments works. You made a statement of fact - you were asked for evidence to support that statement. If you don’t have it, you should present that statement as opinion, not fact. There is no polling or wider data I’ve found on the number of men who would refuse to marry a woman who wanted to keep her own name, or the number of women who have gone along with it to soothe that insecurity in their future husband.

Second, there’s no decent data on women’s motivations for changing their names that I’ve turned up, and very little on name changing rates in general - some surveys suggest (the most reliable I’ve seen) around 65% of women in their 20s and 30s who marry change their names. So not an overwhelming enough proportion to be ‘expected’ or for a woman keeping her name to be seen as abnormal.

The proportion of women who would like to keep their name is higher, suggesting that there are a number of men like you who feel the need to have their woman branded with their name so that everyone knows who owns her, as opposed to the woman making a totally free (if socially conditioned) choice.

My dh used to think like that. It took 12 years to get married as I was always adamant that I would be keeping my name. He did eventually concede he had no actual argument to back him up and dropped it.

DC are double barrelled. Once they were his parents then stopped going on at me to change my name

Hi there,
Its difficult for a man sometimes as we feel like woman take over the children and we almost have to ask permission to even hold the baby.. we feel that the baby becomes "your project" and disenfranchised with the relationship, we go from joint director to the last guy on the cc list. It's the main reason why men leave after a baby is born. I have gone through it and so have some of my friends. I had to convince one friend to stick it out for the sake of the child, after all, he picked the mother. In my case, I am married to a citizen of another country and was told that, in the event of a divorce, that it could have a bearing on custody if such a legal dispute was to take place in her home country. Sorry..babbling on about me..
If you insist that the baby has your name and that you have 51% of the vote you will breed resentment from him and he will always feel like he does not have an equal say in the experience. It's his baby as well, let the baby have his name for the sake of holding a family unit together.

Yep. One of those awkward, special “women’s” last names....

Bit of a ridiculous statement given this thread is about a man's awkward last name. Actually, it's a bit ridiculous all round to sneer at someone's reasons for changing and basically accuse them of lying.