AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

[Jess499427]

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

It's his baby as well, let the baby have his name for the sake of holding a family unit together.

If the family unit is that fragile, I doubt a name would make or break it either way tbh.

I love how people split hairs over the terminology used. Of course I'm not property, but generally a woman is given away to become a wife belonging to the man and the man belonging to the woman that is a marriage of people. Property cannot be married.

Just because I use the term his household that doesnt mean I dont have a 50% share of the household.
How is that in any way different from describing children as your kids. OK children obviously belong to both of you but I think most of us are capable of realising that the wording used to describe this is malleable to a certain extent.

It becomes different if someone falls ill or is injured. In such a case they are physically unable to carry out their duties so of course the other partner should care for their spouse.

If you don't care what a stranger thinks then why would you name kids different to their father. It's a part of their integral family identity and if you instil enough worth in your child it will be of no worry that some little brat might think its a funny name.

I think we should be instilling as a society the benefits of marriage rather than trying ever more to encourage its demise through things like diluting names. Not the biggest factor in its break up but an ever visible part of it. With the right values any child should embrace their family name and be proud of it.

If you have differences of opinion over mutual respect at least state what those differences are instead of just saying its different.

And you believe that you understand how the minds of all people work because you are happy living in the 50s. O....K..... hmm The good old days y'know when rape in marriage was legal, racism was rife, we locked up women with PND.

Why does it matter what people think. I think the way the mind works hasn't changed much throughout history, but don't see how your point is relevant to what I said as I mentioned nowhere about timetravelling or what was good or bad in that period. Rape, whether in or out of a marriage is bad period. As is racism. Your comment that woman were locked up for having PND simply isn't true. If we are to believe that 1 in 10 women suffer from it it certainly wasn't the case 1 in 10 women were just being locked up for PND only, if anything it was due to severe forms being misunderstood at the time and a belief that in severe cases the children could be endangered. There was no witch hunt for woman with PND.

If you believe that marital values and monogamous relationships dont contribute to the wellbeing and secure upbringing of children then you are part of the problem of the breakdown of modern society, that doesn't mean turn back the clocks it means stop being so flippin selfish and get some family morals back
I do believe men should be taught to protect and respect women and that women should value responsible men who are role models for their kids.

Too many men nowadays aren't taught the intrinsic value of protecting and respecting woman which is why we see so many men abusing woman and woman allowing it.

@Redpilled leaving your wife because the child is the priority is really off. The child should be the priority, they are the most important as they are so precious and have to learn literally everything and it's so easy to mess it up.

I have three friends whose children have taken the Mum's surname, despite being happily married and obviously together. Maybe he just doesn't know anyone with that set up? It's becoming more common which is good.

I think you've provided lots of options OP, a new name, your name etc. What about slightly changing his last name for example Adamson becoming Adams. Maybe that could help him feel he's still got his family name and the children do too?

I have seen people ridiculed for unusual or funny names, even into adulthood (by immature twits). I once (in the politically incorrect early 90's) had to severely discipline a 19 year old placement student who thought a well endowed American lady at our work with the surname Bumpers was hilarious. He was also stupid enough to share those thoughts over email and accidently included Mrs Bumpers in cc.

Bumpers is the type of name a teenage dd (your SIL) might struggle with but a ds (your dh) might not and I can see where you are coming from OP. Can you get your SIL to speak to your dh about the problems she had with his family name?

“For me it’s important so I wouldn’t even have entertained the idea of marrying a women who wasn’t going to take my name.”

This to me is the most uncomfortable post. When DH & I got married we had no children and wouldn't have known if we could. I certainly would have taken umbrage if one of the terms was - any future children have to have my last name.

I will admit Ds has Dh's ( last ) name. We discussed it at the time/ I did not ( and this was 20 - odd years ago & i know others took different decisions then, ) but I , personally did not want a double barrelled name. I am not necessarily proud of that but it was my choice. Feeble reasons. In the end we ended up ( which is now considered a bit "weak" ) x name x name my last name Ds's last name. It was not for holding the family together , it was a conversation at the time where I could see it was not for dynastic reasons , others which I got at the time. DS has always known if he wants to he can concatenate my last name but he likes having a shortish last name. If it were today - would I choose differently ? I might. However , Ds always knows he is also a (my last name) . I know I may have perpetuated something , and I do. But - done now. So by and large we get on with living our lives. It would be interesting if I had made a different choice almost 1/4 century on.

adrienneJ
I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you aren't a fan of having children outside of marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong.
So if I have no reason to have DP's surname myself, we both have equal say and responsibility over our children but I'm the only one who's bothered about passing on my surname then they should STILL have DP'S surname. Would that be your thinking? Or have I misjudged this?

"is the baby not his too?"
"Should be his name or double-barrelled"

Yes, the baby is his too. But for some reason, some very strange reason, people will say this when the father's surname is ommited, but if the baby isn't given the mother's surname they don't go "oh, but isn't the baby hers too?" Ridiculous.

A baby can have the father's name, the mother's name, both.

Wow. You'd literally ruin a relationship with a wonderful woman just because she doesn't want to give away her name for yours. What a dick move. Entitled too.

I have a very unusual name, I was very happy to change to my husband’s name
It’s not a horrible name ,just unusual and I got really fed up with spelling it.
If my husband had a name I hadn’t liked I wouldn’t have changed to that either.
Rather than double barrel it use it as a middle name

Just because I use the term his household that doesnt mean I dont have a 50% share of the household

So why do you describe it as "his" household? It makes no sense!? "Our household".

If you don't care what a stranger thinks then why would you name kids different to their father. It's a part of their integral family identity and if you instil
Why can't the mother's name be part of the family identity? Why is it the mother that must give?

breakdown of modern society, that doesn't mean turn back the clocks it means stop being so flippin selfish and get some family morals back
What does the family taking the father's name have to do with selfishness or morals? What if the husband decided to take his wife's name... Is that immoral? Does that fracture the identity of the family? Get a grip.

because it’s the normal thing to do?
It has sexist misogynistic roots. Why should it be normal? Just because something is "normal" doesn't make to right. Stoning homosexuals is normal in some parts, as are child brides.

You think that not sharing a family name makes it more likely that the parent's relationship will break down. Is that an accurate summary of your belief that wives should take their husband's names and children should also take the family name?

I think its good we live somewhere people are free to do as they please but no I'm not a fan personally of kids outside marriage. That said I think the kids should take the fathers name in the view that that hopefully you will become committed in time to come and that kids that dont share a common familial name are more often than not (of course not always) a sign of coming from a non-committed relationship.

I’m assuming you are a church going family, adriennej?

guess it depends whether DH is proud of his family name but to take away what would be considered his (and your) childs family name I can imagine would be rather insulting and something you need to consider seriously between you both.

DD has her father's last name admittedly it was important to him and not very to me. His name is also less common so it's less likely she'll be sharing surnames with friends as she gets older etc, my surname is very very common. Also as DD has 2 middle names, and his surname is only one syllable, we went for his as it's shorter.

That being said, if me and her father got married, I would not take his name. So I'm always gonna be the odd one out.

Also, why does it matter if DH is proud of his family name and not is the wife is actually proud of hers?

adrienneJ
It's quite definitely a committed relationship, We've just made the decision not to get married. I've been with DP since I was 20, I'm now 45. We have 5 children together, the eldest is 15. We are very, very happy together.
The DC do have a committed familial name- it's just my name.

I probably should have explained the reason I put the question is it not his baby too?

The OPs initial posts focused on her feelings mainly and did not present that her DHs feelings were taken into account later posts clarified this. A child is of both parents and both parents are equally important. I hope they find a resolution both are happy with

Ah, men and their names.

SO many women on namechange threads say they took their DH surname because theirs was hard to spell / hard to pronounce / rhymed with a swear word etc etc.

But when a man’s name is reported to be these things he won’t hear of losing it, and women flock to defend the patriarchal tradition and his poor feelz at the thought of losing such patriarchal privelige.

And how come so many people put so much thought into spelling, pronounciation and teasing over a first name only to have MNers flock to support a man insisting his child be called Smellie, Hoare or Titcum.

OP: getting his Dsis to talk to him might be an idea. Especially if the name is Hoare. I would divorce him and register the child on my own to avoid calling a daughter Hoare.

Hav

Sorry, posted too soon.

Have his name as a non hyphenated first surname,’known as’ your surname. And tell him a name doesn’t have to b

Be a surname to be passed on!

Quite apart from you disliking DH's name, I would strongly advise you to give the baby your name.

You could add DH's name as a middle name, to avoid problems with passport officials and so on - and no-one else need ever know the middle name!

What does the family taking the father's name have to do with selfishness or morals? What if the husband decided to take his wife's name... Is that immoral? Does that fracture the identity of the family? Get a grip.

that wasn't necessarily aimed at the fact of not taking the mans name, but as a tradition thats usually been passed down over hundreds of years why would anyone want to stick a spanner in the works and interfere with what is clearly a passed down family name and age old identity of the child formed by tradition. The fact its sexism is just feminist BS. As a woman I can appreciate tradition and the importance of family identity and I personally dont buy into this new thing of how important and special our feelings are that 'we' just change it for no other reason than because we dont like the sound of it and because we're so special our feelings should be considered. I would have thought by the very nature of the complaint its selfish, what other terminology would you like to use.

And whether you say you're bothered or not quite frankly we're all bothered what other people think in some way shape of form its the reason we make an effort to look nice wear fashionable clothes, dress our kids smartly etc etc. anyone stating they dont care what strangers think is so full of shit. We all care what others think of us whether we like to admit it or not and regardless of why people may think it(and to fool yourself people don't is just that) I dont like the thought of people thinking my kids might be from a broken home and in any way feeling sorry for them.

I dont like the thought of people thinking my kids might be from a broken home and in any way feeling sorry for them

Your kids may well be pitied for other reasons...

but as a tradition thats usually been passed down over hundreds of years why would anyone want to stick a spanner in the works and interfere with what is clearly a passed down family name and age old identity of the child formed by tradition.

It's not traditional in many cultures. Do you think those cultures have more problems with family breakdown and/or social cohesion than those that do have that tradition?