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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

376 replies

Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:23

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 18:06

Actually latest research says those from single parent families do as well, and better ...

twattymctwatterson · 11/02/2019 18:06

Is his surname Twatt? I used to work with a guy called Twatt. It caused much hilarity

Original poster
Jess499427 · 11/02/2019 18:16

The name isn’t rude (this thread has give me some perspective on that front!) but it’s long and a bit silly.

I have suggested we use part of his name e.g if the name was Sillysmith I’ve suggested we all use Smith.

OP posts:
1ndig0 · 11/02/2019 18:17

It’s probably “Pratt”

pineapplebryanbrown · 11/02/2019 18:17

Twatty then you married him and changed your name to McTwatterson to give it a jaunty Scottish twist.

Smotheroffive · 11/02/2019 18:24

Omg! What a load of sexist traditionalist, misogynistic, proud , hogwash.

You are not taking on the whole nation here OP, only deciding with your dh what's best for your family, its not traditional anymore, praise be!!!

Its long past time when women have to take men's name as if the are owned by them, and god forbid any man should ever take on a woman's name, can you imagine,...oh the hurt pride, there's no dying on a hill, how dramatised!

If neither want DC to have the others name then both adopting a new family name is the only way forward, because that is even and fair. Being made to take a fathers name is about ownership, the default is the mothers name, the person actually carrying the baby!

If neither agree that's not all about the woman!! Its all about the man too.

Is he refusing to budge in any respect OP? But expects you to? If you are prepared to change names to a family name, but he won't? He's the one being difficult then.

The cultural norm is ownership a and outdated and very abusive historically, not something to be promoted or proud about

1ndig0 · 11/02/2019 19:08

Jess - sorry I cross posted with you, but yes, just use part of the name! I suppose he’s got used to it over the years. To be honest, I think most men do presume they will pass their name on, so he’s not being particularly unusual in this respect. But, if it really is bad, then I think compromise is your only option. Amalgamate your names or just think of a new one together.

OnTheHop · 11/02/2019 23:25

“Do remember however as a female when she marries her name will change meaning her children will not have the name. “

Aaaaaaargh!

How. Many. Times. ?

gluteustothemaximus · 12/02/2019 00:20

DH knew someone who’s surname was Cockaday.

I woulda changed that.

deadliftgirl · 12/02/2019 00:38

Children take their fathers names and they continue the legacy of their parental family. I also find it so strange that you did not take your husband name. Your husband should not have something so precious as having his child having his name taken away from him just because you as his wife do not respect him.

I know a lot of people will not agree with me but I am very traditional in this way! You should be proud of his name and I really do not understand how your husband must be feeling, its such a shame for him! I think you need to stop this and respect your man.

Calloway · 12/02/2019 00:39

I think you need to stop this and respect your man

Yeah, OP. Ya big meanie.

Wear your Mrs Titcum name with pride.

YouBumder · 12/02/2019 00:41

You should be proud of his name and I really do not understand how your husband must be feeling, its such a shame for him! I think you need to stop this and respect your man

Fucks sake

I really can’t believe that women who think this way are actually walking amongst us.

Lysistrataknowsherstuff · 12/02/2019 00:42

When MIL mentions for the hundredth time that I still haven't changed my name (a decade or so after the event) I smile and say what's good enough for the Queen is good enough for me Grin

Smotheroffive · 12/02/2019 00:43

The thing is, why do some think one can only give their own DC their own name under extreme circumstances of the alternative being so bizarre, rude, or stupid and ridicule-worthy.

Really grown up haven't we! men

deadliftgirl · 12/02/2019 00:46

@YouBumder

The haters are always going to hate!

Marriage is about respect and understanding and I am more shocked that women would pull other women down for having a different opinion which is clearly based on different values to you!

Smotheroffive · 12/02/2019 00:54

Yeah, respect your man owns you #dontthinkso

OnTheHop · 12/02/2019 00:59

“Children take their fathers names and they continue the legacy of their parental family. I also find it so strange that you did not take your husband name.”

Is that you, MIL?

deadliftgirl · 12/02/2019 01:12

@Smotheroffive

Respect does not equal control!

Respect is 'Reciprocal'

In addition, the OP never divulged whether her name was given to her from her mother or her father?

Or has she become wiser and more intelligent than her parents?

Ottercup · 12/02/2019 01:19

wiser and more intelligent than her parents?

"Your parents did X so you should do X too"

deadliftgirl · 12/02/2019 01:21

@Ottercup

A lion does not give birth to a snake!

moofolk · 12/02/2019 01:27

Why does he assume that it's ok for you to carry a baby inside your body for nine months, push it out at great physical and emotional expense and then give it his name? Fuck that.

You have offered to change your name if he changes his so the three if you can have the same name. You have offered your name to him. You have offered solutions he does but want so the baby gets your name.

He is scared what his army mates will say by the sound of it. There is no reason he cannot continue to be known by his nickname if he changes, he's just being proud and macho.

Calloway · 12/02/2019 01:28

But does a ferret give birth to a hedgehog?

deadliftgirl · 12/02/2019 01:32

Next women will be asking to grow a dick and make the baby on their own without the need of a man at all! hahaha

Calloway · 12/02/2019 01:35

Well, now that you mention it...

Ottercup · 12/02/2019 01:49

A lion does not give birth to a snake!

I don't get it. Are you disputing what I said, which was basically that you don't have to do what your parents did/do or think is right? Odd.