To get offended at this

[Puppylove77]

This may turn out to be more of a vent than anything but.. AIBU to get offended and annoyed when people ask if my children are REALLY mine?

Me and my partner have been in a civil partnership for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. DD is 3 and DS is 7 months. They were conceived both times using a donor sperm and i carried them. To me and my DP it doesn't matter one bit and we love them both unconditionally. They are ours! But it really gets to me when friends or mum's on the playground poke their noses in and say things like, so are they really yours or adopted or did you have a man before? Or, so which one of you is the REAL parent? I usually just brush it off and laugh and say they are ours and try and move the conversation on. It's just today someone really probed me about it and actually made me quite upset. I mean does it really matter? I don't think so

I have 11 and often get asked if they are all mine. Very rude, Yanbu to be mad!!

YANBU at all. You sound a LOT more patient than I would be! I would be tempted to say tartly "That's a really inappropriate question. How could you imagine that was an okay thing to ask?" But I am not really a diplomat.

YANBU I’d have been tempted to say yeah are yours really your partners or did you sleep with the milkman.

I’m sure someone will come along with a classier put down shortly but I’d be upset by that too.

For me it would be the tone, a close friend genuinely interested in the practicalities would be ok. Mum at the school gate chatting in front of other mums would be rude.

I never understand why people think it’s ok to do that. I’d use the mumsnet favourite of “did you mean to be so rude when asking that” or just reply asking if it matters.

I’m adopted and often get asked similarly tactless questions

Throw the question back at them.

It’s very rude to ask. People will wonder though, it’s different so it’s interesting.

“What a weird question” or “why would you ask that?”

YANBU. People are very rude and it’s none of their bloody business.

Thankyou everyone! I needed to hear this, I think it's so rude but we've only recently moved to the area and I've had it from mum's I barely know when dropping my DD off at preschool! I mean it's one thing from your friends but another from complete strangers! Love the milkman reply idea! Haha

It wouldn’t have occurred to me that it was rude to ask before a friend of mine told me of her experience and how upsetting she found it being the subject of office gossip. People are being ignorant, not purposely hurtful. I think it’s useful to say “that’s really inappropriate and rude” a couple of times - word will spread.

Other peoples curiosity is a means to educate them. If they didn't ask questions, they 'd never know the answers. Sex has curiosity value - you only have to look at the Sunday papers kiss-and-tell stories.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon probably because having 11 children is pretty unusual. I suspect that people might think you have a blended family.

Tell them the stork brought them. Or you found them under a gooseberry bush.

Yabu. It is natural curiosity, people are just interested.

One of my best friends in the world has children with her wife and beyond knowing that my friend was the one that carried the babies I have absolutely no idea of the ins and outs of conception and nor do I feel I have any right to whatsoever. Absolutely shocking OP, I'm so sorry you've faced this.

It a bit like being offended when people ask ‘where are you from? ‘

Life’s too short to be offended at these sorts of things.

I'd probably be tempted to counter such rudeness and stupidity with facetiousness actually.

"Are they yours?"

"Oh God no - followed me home from Sainsbury's last Easter. I've been hoping their real mother would want them back by now"

"Did you have a man before?"

"Honey, I was a man before"

That sort of thing. Should shut them up once and for all!

One of my dark skinned cousins is always seen as the nanny of her white skinned blond daughter. The child has my cousins facial features but people can't see that past the skin colour.

Sorry OP, I don't have any advice, people are weird sometimes.

I can totally see why people are interested and want to know, but how they have the nerve to actually ask, especially when they aren't particularly close or involved in your lives is beyond me. I can understand why you struggle to answer - I would be spluttering in astonishment if someone asked something so impertinently inappropriate!

People are idiots. Yanbu I have one birth and one adopted dc. Some of the questions I’ve had simply prove to me that some people really are thick

It's rude to ask the questions but it's not rude or unreasonable to think them.

Genderisaprison, I really do understand that people are just interested, but to probe me even after I have said they are ours just seems rude to me! To me it seems the same as me asking any other mum whether their kids are theirs! for all I know they could be step kids or adopted? I know with us the question seems a bit more like it's more obvious to be asked but why should we be treated differently because people find us 'interesting'

OP YANBU. I get this too and the mixture of annoyance and discomfort is horrible. It’s like being public property. I tell them its none of their’s. As if they’d walk up to any random straight woman and demand to know the parentage of her children.

You need to learn the art of stonewalling. In no way is this acceptable of them. I would immediately deflect by asking them the sane question? That should out an end to it. These people are not your friends and never will be. Shocking.