To get offended at this

[Puppylove77]

This may turn out to be more of a vent than anything but.. AIBU to get offended and annoyed when people ask if my children are REALLY mine?

Me and my partner have been in a civil partnership for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. DD is 3 and DS is 7 months. They were conceived both times using a donor sperm and i carried them. To me and my DP it doesn't matter one bit and we love them both unconditionally. They are ours! But it really gets to me when friends or mum's on the playground poke their noses in and say things like, so are they really yours or adopted or did you have a man before? Or, so which one of you is the REAL parent? I usually just brush it off and laugh and say they are ours and try and move the conversation on. It's just today someone really probed me about it and actually made me quite upset. I mean does it really matter? I don't think so

Same
Put

You asked IABU, so I gave my honest opinion, and I can see that I’m going against the tide. It’s just an opinion on an IABU thread, no one has to take any notice, or feel compelled to change my mind. It’s not that important.

But as an aside, I do wonder where this whole ‘being offended’ thing will take us in society, face to face interactions become so much more difficult, if we are all constantly feeling like treading on egg shells, or being offended (or worse, becoming angry and lashing out potentially) even when none is intended.

Best to stick to talking about the weather or keep self to self.

Wow... I'm gobsmacked that people are so bloody rude and ignorant.

I also feel that I am probably going against the tide in that I don’t think it’s worth getting offended over.
If you want to create a child using donor eggs and/or sperms and you want acceptance of this choice then it’s best to be matter of fact when folk ask questions. Does secrecy not just promote a sense that you have something to be ashamed off or hide for some reason?
Is it possible that you can honestly answer peoples questions or is it just too personal gif you?
And why do they ask? Do your children look very different from you? When my first 2 kids were born I was always asked if they were mine - all 3 of us looked very different from each other.

Two of my children are adopted and they are ‘really mine’.

Sorry OP but unless there is a total clash of races how would they even know they were donor sperm? Can you explain that bit first maybe with a little drip feed?

Wait totally misread the post. Apologies. You're a lesbian couple. That makes so much more sense now.

@Puppylove77 Do they say this in earshot of your kids?

What a rude question to ask, the brass neck on some people is truly astounding.

I wouldn't even answer, just give them the death glare.

YANBU I feel for you OP - I don't know what's wrong with people. I have 5 DDs spread over 17 years and am continually asked if they've all got the same Dad. [Answer, yes, but took a long time to conceive our much wanted large Waltonish family!] I normally reply with " tell me, do your 2 have the same Dad" or if really peaved " Are you normally so nosy?"

@worsethingshappen I always try and be as polite as possible at the time of asking and it does sometimes depend who it is that's asking or how they ask but on the inside I'm just that people can't just accept us no questions asked. My children don't really look like me but the don't look like they couldn't be mine, it's no secret, I mean we are two women so people know we can't have had them together, but I don't ask the ins and outs of how anyone else's children were conceived even though their are many ways these days!

I couldn’t quite figure it out either from the OP, but thought best not to ask. Never mind.

@longtimelurkerhelen it has happened within earshot of them. We have always been open with our 3 year old, she knows she has 2 mummies and most others have a mummy and daddy, her response at the moment is I hate smelly boys anyway so I don't want a daddy! In time she may want to know more and we will keep it age appropriate for her, my DS is too young to understand even if he did hear it.

So "haha, OK, I'll play, you go first" might shut them up?

@GenderIsAPrison figure out what?

Oh my god OP I can’t believe people are so rude! To be very honest I think I would be curious but would never ask because wtf!

@GenderIsAPrison I don’t think you were meant to “figure it out” because it’s none of your business and doesn’t matter?

They’re being incredibly rude! I can’t understand people who ask questions like that.

@Puppylove77

That is terrible, what if you had adopted them and hadn't had the conversation yet? I would be so angry.

It doesn't matter if you have told your kids the ins and outs or not. If as a child I heard that, I would have wondered all sorts and would have worried.

Fucking nosy bastards, none of their business, I would ask the same of their children if they said that to me.

Angry on your behalf. and

I think it’s ok to wonder, in the case of 2 mums, which carried the baby.

But absolutely not ok to ask and then to further ask about the exact origin of the dad or sperm donor.

God people can be so rude.
I've had someone find out my Dd is adopted, and ask So what about her real Mum? I have answered, I am her real Mum, what do I look plastic or something? Then they try to back track. and I do this

I think it upsets me the most because I wonder what effect it may have on our children as they grow. They will always know they are different and I often wonder if we were selfish to have them when we can't provide that male father figure for them and give them a 'normal' upbringing

Mum mastered the blank look then the innocent ‘really? I have no idea?’ response to stupid questions.

Small children talk about mums and dads and grans - I have been able to say to dc “yes x us two mums and you have a mum and a dad and y lives with his gran”. Then children grow up without thinking anything of it. Your dc might actually have two mums and a dad, or one or you might be a stepmum - being scared of giving offence is one reason for wanting to know! But I repeat, very very rude to ask.

If the cheeky twunts ask 'who did you use as donor sperm?' just say 'we just used next door's Alsatian.'

Should shut the cheeky twats up.

What a nerve!

If I see a gay couple with kids, I may think they either adopted or use a donor, but as a pp said, even though it's OK to be curious and to wonder, it's NOT OK to ask!

I like the idea someone suggested on page 1. If someone asks 'are they yours?' you say 'nah, they followed me home from sainsbury's about a year ago, and I'm still waiting for the parents to come get them!'