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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get offended at this

120 replies

Puppylove77 · 07/02/2019 21:21

This may turn out to be more of a vent than anything but.. AIBU to get offended and annoyed when people ask if my children are REALLY mine?

Me and my partner have been in a civil partnership for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. DD is 3 and DS is 7 months. They were conceived both times using a donor sperm and i carried them. To me and my DP it doesn't matter one bit and we love them both unconditionally. They are ours! But it really gets to me when friends or mum's on the playground poke their noses in and say things like, so are they really yours or adopted or did you have a man before? Or, so which one of you is the REAL parent? I usually just brush it off and laugh and say they are ours and try and move the conversation on. It's just today someone really probed me about it and actually made me quite upset. I mean does it really matter? I don't think so

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/02/2019 13:17

People ask because the default position is that kids have fathers, not two mothers

No, people ask because they are nosey and rude. They may wonder because it's different from the default position, nothing wrong with that, but actually asking is rude and nosey.

Confusedfornow · 08/02/2019 13:23

Parthenope

I never said the OP had issues with biology.

Confusedfornow · 08/02/2019 13:25

Soup

It is the default position though. That's just a statement of fact. You can believe anything you like, but you can't change facts.

Parthenope · 08/02/2019 13:41

Your post, confused

You can't intellectualize biology. Two women can't have kids together, it's not your fault, not your partners fault, nobody is to blame. It's just biology.

No one is labouring under the delusion that two women, unaided, can make a baby. What people are pointing out is that strangers on the school run who want details of turkey basters and sperm donors are being outrageously rude. Let them be as curious as they like, they're not entitled to their curiosity being satisfied.

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2019 13:50

I hate smelly boys anyway so I don't want a daddy!

Nice. You must be very proud. Hmm

FrenchJunebug · 08/02/2019 14:26

OP I have a child conceive with sperm donors. People ask the weirdest thing but do not worry kids are much more easy going about those things and my 7-year old is fine. I love the I hate smelly boys anyway so I don't want a daddy!

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/02/2019 14:31

It is bloody annoying though. If it’s friends or people I’ve known for a while then it doesn’t bother me, but often it’s complete strangers. It tends to go:

To me and DP, ‘are you sisters?’

Me or DP, ‘no, she’s my partner.’

Then they look at my DS ‘whose is he then?’ It’s a stupid question because he looks like me.

Me, ‘he’s my son.’

Them, ‘Oh, so how did you have him then?‘

Me, I grew him in my uterus...’

Normally the dead bat and look of irritation makes them leave it there but not always, in which case I normally say, ‘they’re rather personal questions aren’t they?’ Then I either get an apology or a huffy, I was only curious and they storm off.

I don’t mind a bit of curiosity but it can stray into intrusion, which people think they’re entitled to because we’re lesbians. I wouldn’t dream of asking the mother on the bus whether her three kids are by the same father, even if one is black, one is Asian and one is white, it’s just bloody rude. People might be interested but it doesn’t give them the right to ask complete strangers personal questions. Some people I just get the impression they want to know whether I’ve had sex with a man.

People can be bloody nosey, and they aren’t entitled to personal information about us, no matter how nice or curious they are. Being different doesn’t mean we owe them whatever gossip they’re interested in.

Thisismyusername1234 · 08/02/2019 14:49

@Puppylove77

These people sound very small minded. Same sex parents are pretty common these days are they not? Is it a small town/village you live? If they ask again, just smile, then turn your head away - make it really uncomfortable and they won't ask again.

Wouldn't worry too much about the kids re the 'father' figure and 'normal' upbringing - what's normal? Kids just need you to love them, feed them and (when they get to my sons age) bleed you dry of money Smile

SoupDragon · 08/02/2019 14:49

It is the default position though. That's just a statement of fact. You can believe anything you like, but you can't change facts.

Yes, I am well aware of that and I didn't say otherwise.

That doesn't make it any less rude to ask about a child's conception.

JagerPlease · 08/02/2019 15:13

OP I totally get you. The bit that bothers me most is following the "which one is mum" "we both are" conversation, that you then get "yes, but which is his real mum?". Close friends I don't mind discussing actual details, all that a stranger needs to know is that you are your child's parent!

Frostymorning13 · 08/02/2019 16:52

@BarbarianMum I am proud actually, my daughter is 3 and I think this is pretty typical, it's not like I've told her to say that it's just what girls and boys of her age all say about each other!

I'm sure your children are all extra polite about everything all the time

longtimelurkerhelen · 08/02/2019 18:17

@Frostymorning13

but by hiding it from everyone else you are teaching them that there is something to hide or be ashamed of. If you want to bring children into the world in an unnatural way there will always be consequences and hardships to face and you should face up to them! Just be honest, what happened to just being honest? People are only asking! I'm sure you ask questions even though you insist you don't.

I don't think they are trying to "hide" anything, they're not doing the school run with one them sporting a beard and dark glasses. What do you mean by "unnatural"?

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2019 19:14

I guess I just find casual sexism less charming than you Frosty. And when mine piped up with similar rubbish (which of course they did at 3 because its an impressionable age) they got gently pulled up on it.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/02/2019 19:25

I wouldn’t give them a simple out like “they’re ours”- it sounds like you’re tryibf to save their embarrassment.

I’d just keep responding with “what do you mean?” to everything they ask.

Are they yours?

What do you mean?

The children- did you have them?

What do you mean?

Etc etc.

Back them in to a corner and allow them to drill down in to their own stupidity.

storeandscale · 08/02/2019 19:27

So rude! I have a good friend who conceived via IVF and I have NEVER probed about this. So bloody intrusive!

NotTheQueen · 08/02/2019 20:54

@jagerplease @whatisthisfuckery Angry how are you both not in jail for bitch slapping these rude bastards!?! Honest to God, that’s awful and I don’t think I’d be responsible for my actions if I encountered that shit once let alone regularly

Sharpandshineyteeth · 08/02/2019 21:35

I’ve got 5 DC at a young age.’im constantly asked if they have the same dad. Some people are so curious about the unconventional

OneStepSideways · 09/02/2019 07:51

People are just curious and lack boundaries. It's natural to wonder about genetics when a child looks nothing like their parents. Rather rude to blurt it out (unless you're friends).

whiteroseredrose · 09/02/2019 08:09

I think it's normal to wonder. Two women obviously can't create a baby. So I'd wonder whose egg / who carried the baby. If they'd known you long enough they'd have seen who was pregnant.

However I'd never ask!!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/02/2019 15:38

@Frostymorning13 sigh, if only ignorance and pig-headed-ness were as unusual as you perceive same-sex families to be...

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