To get offended at this

[Puppylove77]

This may turn out to be more of a vent than anything but.. AIBU to get offended and annoyed when people ask if my children are REALLY mine?

Me and my partner have been in a civil partnership for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. DD is 3 and DS is 7 months. They were conceived both times using a donor sperm and i carried them. To me and my DP it doesn't matter one bit and we love them both unconditionally. They are ours! But it really gets to me when friends or mum's on the playground poke their noses in and say things like, so are they really yours or adopted or did you have a man before? Or, so which one of you is the REAL parent? I usually just brush it off and laugh and say they are ours and try and move the conversation on. It's just today someone really probed me about it and actually made me quite upset. I mean does it really matter? I don't think so

I’m at that sort questions. I kept thinking about the couples I know who used IVF and donor sperm or donor egg and how their child is THEIRS. Regardless of who gave the sperm or the egg that made it all possible.
They would feel AWFUL if anyone was insinuating that their child isn’t really theirs.

I like the innocent ‘really? I have no idea?’ response.

I also agree with Olennas that the more you will at ease and confident in your choice, the easiest it will be to answer those questions (even though they shouod never be asked in the first place!)

@Puppylove77 don’t be so sure the 7 yo is too young to understand. My dd definitely realises something is different about having two mums and has already questioned why these dc have two mums and no dad. she even said she is lucky because she has a dad and a mum. I obviously try to explain where she’s going wrong but I’m just saying this because pretending your dc won’t realise isn’t the best way forward imo as better you say something than dc (like my dd who I have now explained what’s what) say the wrong thing.
Also especially being gay might be better to be open about everything early on anyway.

@pinkmirror I think you have misread my post, I have a 3 year old and a 7 MONTH old, they Are both too young to understand the proper ins and outs, although we have explained to my 3 year old that all families are different and she knows that she had 2 mum's and everyone else at her preschool has a mum and a dad or just a mum as I think there are a few single mum's there. She atm thinks this is great because she hates boys! Lol we answer all of her questions with honesty as it's her right to know, it is however No one else's right to know! My 7 month old couldnt care less as long as someone is feeding him !

@frostymorning13 these are the sort of questions I'm talking about 🙄.

Thankyou for your opinion and most of the time I have to 'suck it up' and get on with it.

Oh yes sorry I definitely did miss read your post apologies!

I've got several friends who've had babies with donors and I can imagine it's incredibly annoying to be asked those questions. But, surely you must have known you'd be asked questions like that? It doesn't make it right that people are asking you but it must have crossed your mind that it might happen so perhaps you could be prepared with some clever put downs or a clear factual explanation, whichever you feel inclined to do. It is becoming a more common family choice so people will have to get used to it - I guess I'm just surprised you're surprised by the questions. Did you have some kind of pre-pregnancy counselling to help you prepare for people's responses?

I can't believe that people are justifying their own casual nosiness and prurience as 'natural curiosity' and trying to browbeat the OP into thinking that she owes virtual strangers on the school run an explanation because if she tells Sandra the playground gossip how she conceived her children it will help normalise and educate.

OP, I would listen to the posts from the posters who self-identify as parents by adoption upthread, about both deveoping a thick skin to deal with nosiness, and a healthy sense of boundaries about your children's right to privacy.

Failing that, move somewhere else. My lesbian friends with children (three couples) live in London, and don't see to have to deal with this nonsense anywhere as often.

I guess I'm just surprised you're surprised by the questions.

Other people's bad manners and prurience are always surprising and depressing when you come across them. AIBU would not exist if that wasn't the case.

I know people only do this to fill the gap between conversations rather than with any intentional malice, but I also feel quite strongly that it's ok to say to people that their questions are rude and inappropriate.

My younger sister was adopted by a spanish family when we were younger, I was adopted by an english family. I remember meet-ups when we were small where people would ask "how are they sisters if one's spanish and one's not" and my sister's Mum would bowl in every single time and point out how absolutely rude they were being, while my parents did the polite-english thing of answering their questions with tight-lipped smiles.

I'm a fan of being direct. Not rude, never unkind, but direct. If someone's asking a question they're not entitled to ask, I tell them so. I'm sure some people find it awkward listening to me say "that's not your business". But I find it awkward listening to the shit people fill their conversations with just for the sake of talking. Pipe down and ask a polite question.

@RedSkyLastNight - my wife is Indian and I'm a pasty white Irishman. Before DD was born I worried people would be questioning if daughter was mine if we were out alone. She turned out as white as me and with brown blonde hair. My wife's been out with friends a number of times where people have assumed daughter belongs to her friends. She just laughs it off as people being tactless / thoughtless rather than malicious

This used to happen a friend of mine and her come back was “Are you really asking about my sex life?” That usually shut people up.

FWIW, she and her DW were completely open with their children about their biological father etc. That’s very different from accepting that complete strangers have a right to ask prurient questions about conception.

Parthenope at 9.39 am, and 9.42 and fudgebrownie at 9.40 am have it.
For the poster who said you shouldn’t come back to such rude questions with ‘aggressive’ responses otherwise your children will pick up on it: most of the responses people are suggesting are funny.I think my particular favourite is the mum with 6 kids who says she’s had them with 10 different men. Then watched them do the math, or in other words, squirm.
Just pick one response and say it with a half laugh. If they’re still so thick they persist then say the ‘are you actually asking me about my sex life?’ one.
Your children are loved and wanted and they will always know that.
Of course you did the right thing by having them.
Do not listen to the nosy fuckers trying to sort for difference (why? Does it make them feel surprise in some way?) and justifying it by saying “people will be curious” or some such bullshit.

Also, arf at the stab at pseudo-intellectual speak. ‘Our culture places a high value on biological origins’.
Wtf does that even mean? do you mean our animalistic nature ?
Utter tosh.

It's people being genuinely curious and interested in your situation, but bordering on nosey. They probably don't mean to be so tactless.
There used to be two gay dad's at my daughter's school who had a girl and boy. The girl was dark skinned and haired and the boy was blond and blue eyed. I think it's natural to wonder, but I never thought of outright asking them as I didn't know them well enough and it's none of my business.

Dads not dad's

Think I’d make an off hand comment like nah I found them wandering the streets.

Never get why anyone would think that’s an ok question!

I'd respond with "Oh are we doing this? You go first....tell me all about how your children were conceived! Every last detail please"

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon

To be fair, 11 children is a lot and I did raise my eyebrow a little. There's no way I'd think someone had 11 biological children in 2019, I would assume it was a blended family.

However, I also wouldn't ask you.

That’s unbelievably rude.

People are insensitive/stupid unfortunately.

Enjoy your beautiful family

Bloody hell. Can't believe the cheek of some people. In the case of same sex parents I'm always curious how they decided who would carry and who would be the biological parent but I wouldn't dream of asking just to satisfy my nosiness!

My dh has even been asked about my nether regions!!

A question to anyone who thinks this is OK - do you usually ask how the children of acquaintances were conceived? Would you be happy to be grilled about your own children's conception at the school gate?

FGS OP!

It's not an insult. It's just plain old biology.

You can't intellectualize biology. Two women can't have kids together, it's not your fault, not your partners fault, nobody is to blame. It's just biology.

People ask because the default position is that kids have fathers, not two mothers. That's not a judgment or an insult, it's just how people think. Why does it bother you so much? People aren't being rude, it's a genuine question.

Stop being prescious, you can't both have given birth to the same kid. And people use the word mother in reference to the woman who gave birth.

OP, you can't change a quarter of a million years of human convention just because you see things differently.

I guess I'm just surprised you're surprised by the questions.

Well I'm not OP and I'm very surprised by the questions. Can't believe the cheek. I'm not surprised people are curious if for some reason they know the kids aren't biologically their dads or whatever but I'm surprised they think they have the right to ask. I'm curious about lots of things that I wouldn't dream of actually asking about because it's none of my business.

Confused, your username seems appropriate. The OP has no issues with biology, what she has an issue with is with complete strangers' nosiness and bad manners.