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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get offended at this

120 replies

Puppylove77 · 07/02/2019 21:21

This may turn out to be more of a vent than anything but.. AIBU to get offended and annoyed when people ask if my children are REALLY mine?

Me and my partner have been in a civil partnership for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. DD is 3 and DS is 7 months. They were conceived both times using a donor sperm and i carried them. To me and my DP it doesn't matter one bit and we love them both unconditionally. They are ours! But it really gets to me when friends or mum's on the playground poke their noses in and say things like, so are they really yours or adopted or did you have a man before? Or, so which one of you is the REAL parent? I usually just brush it off and laugh and say they are ours and try and move the conversation on. It's just today someone really probed me about it and actually made me quite upset. I mean does it really matter? I don't think so

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 07/02/2019 22:48

@Puppylove77

Who has a "normal" upbringing? I think they must be in the minority now. Despite your recent evidence to the contrary, I think the world is a more accepting place now than even 10 years ago.

So many people divorce or separate now and get with new partners, suddenly have another step family etc. The most important thing to a child is love and stability and if you can both give them that, I don't think you should worry too much. I laughed at your girls comment about "smelly boys", she's a quick learner. :)

donquixotedelamancha · 07/02/2019 22:51

are they really yours or adopted
so which one of you is the REAL parent?

My kids are adopted. I get this sort of stuff occasionally. I think you have to challenge it fairly firmly. I generally go for a very long silent stare followed by 'I am their real parent'. If they push again I reply with 'That is their information so I don't share it with people.'

Most people are just genuinely (if sometimes tactlessly) interested in something outside their experience. I'm happy to be open about appropriate parts of adoption, but not about my kids personal details.

I think it upsets me the most because I wonder what effect it may have on our children as they grow.

If you aren't bothered, if you just make it a normal part of their lives, it will not be a big deal.

RedFeltHeart · 07/02/2019 22:52

Oh they do, Whatisthisfuckery ... not that that makes it acceptable - PuppyLove YADNBU.

I have 2 children - 20 and 12 so a bit of an age gap.

I get asked whether they both have the same father; why there is such an age gap; did I struggle to conceive the second...

Some people are just twats.

StoppinBy · 07/02/2019 22:56

I feel sorry for you and also for your children who may overhear this kind of bullshit, tell them something ridiculous like you're not really sure as at the same time you conceived you were abducted by aliens and lost a whole week of memories and make sure to say it in a way that sounds like you really believe that could be a possibility.

Then have a good chuckle about the look on their faces when they have no idea what to say Wink

CloserIAm2Fine · 07/02/2019 22:57

YANBU

It’s so rude and intrusive! I get that they’re curious but it’s really none of their business and I would expect adults to have enough social awareness to keep their curiosity to themselves! The only people who need to know are you, your partner and your DC, and potentially medical staff if it’s relevant (eg, caring for you during pregnancy and post natal, genetic conditions or hereditary issues like breast cancer)

RedFeltHeart · 07/02/2019 22:57

A friend of mine adopted children from another country. They look very different and are clearly adopted.

People were downright intrusive in the questions they asked. She told me once that the reason she and I became friends is because I only ever asked the sort of questions she imagined people to ask of other people's children. I.e. I wasn't a nosy bastard! Grin

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/02/2019 22:59

I am very open about the fact that DD1, age 24, has a different dad to DD2 and DS. Cheating scum bag exH left me for the OW. I moved on....

I have been asked if DD2 and DS have the same dad. There is a year and 2 weeks between them. I usually reply 'I'm pretty damn hot stuff, but I don't think even I could get a man that fast' I'm really not that hot

A friend is mixed race and one of her DC takes after the father of all three children, rather than their mother. She has been asked if that child is really hers. Not sure where they think she picked her up from!

People are just too nosy sometimes.

longtimelurkerhelen · 07/02/2019 23:00

It just seems some people have no filter. If they knew you well enough, they would know already and if they don't, you are not close enough to be told any details.

I'm as nosy as the next person pro curtain twitcher but I have tact. It's not bad to be curious, but to enquire really is not on.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 07/02/2019 23:02

To those justifying asking because people are 'just curious', think of it this way: would you ask the group of parents at the school gates how often they have sex with their partners? Sure you may wonder how often other people are having sex compared with yourself, but would you just outright ask just because you're curious???

No.

Because it's none of your damn business.

marymarkle · 07/02/2019 23:18

OP your kids are different, they have two mums. It is healthier to accept this difference as the kids when they are older, will get asked questions by other kids.
Yes people should not ask these questions, but I would focus on what is best for your kids. And that is not to be aggressive back as some are suggesting, when they are around to hear that.

marymarkle · 07/02/2019 23:19

MolyHoly I think no one should be asking these questions, but it is not the same as asking someone how often they have sex. What people are asking is about the biological origins of the kids. And that is because our culture places a high value on biological origins.

SandyY2K · 07/02/2019 23:30

It's something I would be curious about, but never ask. It's really none of my business.

OlennasWimple · 07/02/2019 23:36

I think it upsets me the most because I wonder what effect it may have on our children as they grow. They will always know they are different and I often wonder if we were selfish to have them when we can't provide that male father figure for them and give them a 'normal' upbringing

Aha - this is why it bothers you so much.

I know it's easier said than done, OP (I'm an adoptive parent, I've had the questions a thousand times over....) but you need to own your decision on creating your family, grow a thick skin, answer the reasonable questions (there will be some in there), fend off the unreasonable questions (how politely depends on circumstances) and make it completely clear that your DC's personal information is and will remain private

But start by being comfortable with your decision to go down the donor route in the first place

Flowers
WaddesdonWanderer · 07/02/2019 23:39

I was once at soft play with blond DS 6, his Asian friend 5, DD’s mixed race friend 4 and blonde DD 3. A woman asked me if all the kids were mine! I wished after I’d said, yeah I went back to the original dad for the last one!

marymarkle · 07/02/2019 23:46

They will always know they are different But unless you live in an area with a massive lesbian population, then your children are different. There will be other kids who have their own differences.
I do think denying differences to kids when they are obviously there, is not helpful. Kids need to be able to talk about and get support for any impacts caused by those differences.

OP there has been a lot of research on lesbian parents. Generally it says that kids are happy and fine as long as their mums are open with them and out generally. Mums that are not open with their kids though can experience difficulties from this. It also is helpful for the kids if they can meet other kids with lesbian parents. Some places have LG parent groups.

user1473878824 · 07/02/2019 23:59

OP’s hardly said she’s hiding it from her children!! It’s that people are fucking rude!

marymarkle · 08/02/2019 00:10

Her children are too young for her to have told them more than the very basics.

Cheeeeislifenow · 08/02/2019 00:18

See, I would be genuinely curious, not to be nosy, but because I love hearing stories about different families. I would probably ask about the process, also I think asking questions about someone who does things differently to "the norm" is a good way if breaking down taboos and that's how we learn to accept differences.

Rtmhwales · 08/02/2019 00:25

@recklessgran My friend who had six (with the same father) often gets asked that and she laughingly says "Oh God no, I've got six kids by ten different men" and watches them struggle with the math.

NotTheQueen · 08/02/2019 00:34

@puppylove77 I can’t believe that someone could be so rude. It doesn’t matter if the spaceman on the moon and the little mermaid created your children, they’re yours and their genetic makeup is no business of anyone hugs

peachgreen · 08/02/2019 07:42

@Puppylove77 Loads of kids don't come from the traditional "nuclear" family any more. And loads of kids that do are unhappy. Different isn't always a bad thing. Happy is the only thing that matters.

RedSkyLastNight · 08/02/2019 07:49

I was asked this all the time when DS was little, simply because he didn't look anything like me (he was blonde with blue eyes, I look Asian).
Several times I was asked if I was his nanny! So you are NBU to wish people wouldn't ask but they aren't asking just because you're gay.

Original poster
Puppylove77 · 08/02/2019 07:56

We have never hidden anything from our kids, they are too young to understand at the moment but apart from having 2 mum's they lead very normal lives, we don't hide away or anything. They are both very happy kids at the moment. We really try and be open and honest with them in an age appropriate way and hope they remain as accepting as they are right now!

I grew up with my parents and my brother, we were your typical family but I was never the little girl my father wanted and he was bemused when I told them I was gay at the age of 14, basically stating that he always knew there was something wrong with me. It was a very unhappy time.

I think as long as my kids are happy and loved for who they are, it doesn't matter how they came to be to anyone but us and them. I don't know the ins and outs of anyone elses lives

OP posts:
Frostymorning13 · 08/02/2019 08:06

@puppylove77 but by hiding it from everyone else you are teaching them that there is something to hide or be ashamed of. If you want to bring children into the world in an unnatural way there will always be consequences and hardships to face and you should face up to them! Just be honest, what happened to just being honest? People are only asking! I'm sure you ask questions even though you insist you don't.

What about the children when they want to know about their father/s? Are you gonna hide that they came from someone else, will they be able to contact him? What if they ask someone else about their dad's through fear of what you might think? Other people around should know so that they can be there for your kids if need be.

YABU to be honest, your family makeup is unusual and you will always be asked so I suggest you just suck it up and get used to it instead of getting offended.

pinkmirror · 08/02/2019 08:30

I don’t think Yabu but we have a same sex couple in dd class and I always wonder if both dc come from one mother or one from either or if either mother had them at all.
It is rude to ask but I really wish I knew as I normally see it in dc and can use it to say nice things like she has your eyes etc.

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