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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To what another child just because I don't want DS to be an only child?

119 replies

Dera1234 · 07/02/2019 00:22

I had a horrible pregnancy, and a horrible birth with DS who is now 9mo.

I love him dearly, but frankly hate the whole lugging a pram everywhere, thinking about bottles, planning life around nap time, only being able to work so much because of childcare costs etc. I do love being a Mum, this baby stage just seems very taxing and I'm not sure I could do it again.

However, despite never wanting to feel how I did during pregnancy or childbirth again, I worry about him growing up without siblings close in age that live with him. He has a half brother, who stays with us at weekends, but there's a nine year gap. Whilst DS absolutely adores DSS and vice versa, he's not around all the time.

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff. Whilst he'll have that to an extent with his half brother, I just don't know whether he'll be missing out.

I always wanted a big family of my own. And I don't know whether I should grit my teeth and bare another pregnancy and labour and baby stage if it meant giving DS more siblings.

But then, I can't understand how I would ever love another baby even half as much as I love my DS. Or would I feel bad for having o split attention and time between DS and other children.

My DP isn't averse to another one at all and we left it as we would talk about it when DP was one and see how we both felt. And there's no rush although I would like a small gap. But I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation, or can vouch that being an only child sucks and we should actively reproduce at all costs?

And before I get flamed I know he isn't an only child, but in terms of having siblings who grow up in the same home life, same schools etc etc.

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 07/02/2019 00:33

Ah! I understand you - I grew up with a sister v close in age- we were and are still are the best of friends (less than a year between us!) Dh is one of 5 - I always wanted 2/3 but it did not happen for us - no idea why-it took 6 weeks of trying for DS and then nada! We have a happy only one! he has had lots of opportunities he would not have had with siblings. We have a lot more money for a start an have had some great holidays/experiences. In your shoes I would grit my my teeth and go try it- IMHO it is better with more than the one but it's not the end of the world if it does not happen for you :-)

Purpleartichoke · 07/02/2019 00:36

I had a really difficult pregnancy and Dd was a difficult baby. I felt bad about making her an only child. There were also the years from 3-6 where she begged for a sibling. Then she wised up and started to see the freedom that comes from being an only. I’m not denying that there are downsides, but there are many upsides to it as well.

We are all now very happy that we just have DD.

Original poster
Dera1234 · 07/02/2019 00:37

Thanks @mrsfollowill that's quite a nice way of thinking about it. There are ways around the bad labour e.g c section not that that would be ideal, and there's always the possibility another pregnancy may be easier. But it terrifies me thinking back to DS birth. In addition to that, I'm not sure if I could cope with two. I really really want to. So badly. But I don't know if I could. I suppose most people must worry about that when going from one to two though.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/02/2019 00:38

Has your DS got cousins? If you've got a big family then he probably has. If he's brought up with close contact with cousins, be gets the best of both worlds. But you would love another one just as much, I promise! We all think we won't, but we do.

Original poster
Dera1234 · 07/02/2019 00:38

@purpleartichoke do you mind me asking in what way she sees the freedom of being an only child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dera1234 · 07/02/2019 00:40

@singlenotsingle unfortunately not yet. He's the first of his generation in the family, despite the other generations being huge! It's likely as well that my siblings won't have children for a fair few years yet. Well, that's their plan anyway! All my cousins and siblings are much older too.

OP posts:
Ragnarthe · 07/02/2019 00:58

Not all siblings get on. My sister is an arse.

mrsfollowill · 07/02/2019 01:02

In your shoes I would give it a try! You are in the baby years and everything seems v hard -in my experience once he could walk and talk it got so much easier- I was really not good with the baby years but did the best I could. Time goes faster than you think, I have a lovely 16 nearly 17 yo! Sure I would like him to have a sibling or two but he is really not bothered! I had a horrendous birth with him- lasted 3 days and ended in a EMCS but that side of things fades a lot quicker than you would think.I guess my overall message is go for it, baby years are v short in the grand scheme of things but if it does not happen (or you do not want to go through it again) there is nowt wrong with being an only!

pollyname · 07/02/2019 06:54

I had a dreadful pregnancy - was hospitalised and was essentially non-functional for 9 months. I desperately wanted 3, but as DS got older and wanted more of me I realised I couldn't excuse myself from his life for 9 months. Also I couldn't put the pressure on DH of looking after me and DS. I spent a while crying about it, but as DS gets older I can definitely see the advantages - more money for whatever we want to do, the extra energy to put into the sort of mum I wanted to be, lots of time to be social so DS is never lonely. I feel I have a lot more choices with just one.

I've put lots of extra energy into our friends so DS grows up with lots of people around him who love him, and has some of the 'big family feeling'. Also while he won't have siblings of his own I've made sure he is very, very close with mine so he hasn't really missed out at all in a way.

DreamingofSunshine · 07/02/2019 07:46

pollyname thank you for sharing, I'm in a very similar situation and it's nice to hear your perspective.

poldarkssecretlover · 07/02/2019 07:50

We've stuck with one mainly because I felt I couldn't go through it all again. There's pros and cons to every decision you make but just to reassure you that a family of three can be very happy!

tiredandgrumpy · 07/02/2019 07:57

I wouldn't feel guilty about your reasons for wanting a second. Your ds is real and so are the strong feelings you have for him. A second child is at present only hypothetical- how can you possibly compare love for a theoretical child? It seems so hard to imagine you could ever love another child as much as your first, but of course you would.

Labour and pregnancy aside - these are things you need to work out for yourself, but don't feel guilty about only having a second child so your first isn't an only one.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/02/2019 07:58

We had one through choice and I have felt very guilty about that in the past. However, it has never bothered DS. I think we are growing up in a different world now: the idea that only chldren are spoilt, or odd, or unable to share has been largely debunked, although you do get a few weirdos who still believe the old myths.

Certainly, DS appears to be growing up into a very well-balanced human! Mind you, we worked hard on nurturing some key friendships, and we are close to one family I met at baby group so the kids have grown up together. He also knows a number of other only children so doesn't feel that he's an oddity in his peer group. He also has a LOT of cousins (one of whom is also an only) so he knows that he has a lot of "blood family" out there.

Another conscious choice DH and I made was to not move locations as he was growing up. So by the time he leaves school, he will have been with one of his best friends (also an only) since they were 3. I am hoping that these ties will be sustained into adulthood, so he has that reassurance of having someone who has known him forever in his life.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/02/2019 08:03

pollyname - what you say about being the sort of mum you wanted to be really resonates with me.

Ribbonsonabox · 07/02/2019 08:06

I had my second just because I did not want my son to be an only. Both me and my husband were onlys so it was important to us. I hated pregnancy with my first had a traumatic labour and had pnd and pop, so I was terrified.
I also worried like you about not possibly being able to love another child as I loved my son.

We left a 3 year gap and the started trying.

Well although I hated the pregnancy again the birth was actually so much better. I wasnt injured it was much faster and I was home same day. I did not develop pnd.
And I was so in love with her from the moment I saw her. You just feel more love it doesn't take away from your bond with your first at all. And they are so cute together, he really loves her. It was very much the right decision.
And I've found her so much easier than my son in the baby stage... not because of her personality or anything but just because I'm so much more chilled out and used to things! Shes no bother at all really I cant believe everything was such a fuss with my son... I think my parenting confidence has improved a lot.

I'm very glad I had another and I hope they remain friends and can be there for each other throughout their lives.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 07/02/2019 08:07

Unfortunately for ds my fear of another horrific labour trumps my desire to have another child.I do feel guilty at times but he's in Reception now so has friends he sees 5 days a week.We are out of the bottles,nappies and teething stages and loving it! We can afford to go on at least one holiday abroad a year and we enjoy us just being a family of 3,we also get monthly "date nights" due to ds being easier for up to babysit.
Everyone is different though and most crave a larger family.

swingofthings · 07/02/2019 08:08

Totally normal feelings. I think I can say that I had my second purely as a 'gift' to my first so that they wouldn't be alone as I myself suffered from being an only child. I have to say that it was twice as hard second time and at time felt it had been the biggest mistake I'd ever made. Yet even them, I felt love for my DS, just at the time not as conditional as for my first.

This feeling didn't last long and before I knew it, I was as much in love with him as DD and they became totally distinct as individuals. They grew up to be extremelyclosed which was lovely.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 07/02/2019 08:08

*GP not up

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 07/02/2019 08:11

Also lots of familys can only have 1 child due to infertility and other issues and their children certainly aren't hard done by.Being an of child isn't a bad thing at all.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 07/02/2019 08:12

*only not of my phone!

LunafortJest · 07/02/2019 08:13

I'm an only child and don't feel I missed out on anything at all. In fact, I'm grateful that I didn't have to share a room (I'm introverted and intensely private, and also like quiet - always was like this even as a child) and put up with loud siblings, having things ruined, 'borrowed' etc etc. I'd be so overwhelmed. A large family sounds like my idea of a personal hell as a child. When I hear people with siblings talk about what their childhood was like growing up, I am very grateful I was an only child. Very, very grateful. I honestly think that having siblings is over-rated, and being an only child under-rated and given a bad rap unfairly.

I would ask yourself do you really want another child, or are you doing so due to a (misguided imo) belief that he will miss out? If so, the baby may pick up on the fact that they are only there so the eldest doesn't get lonely. You really need to make sure you want another child for the right reasons. Believe me, your DS can be just as happy - if not more so, without siblings.

Carbosug · 07/02/2019 08:14

I feel more sorry for adults who are only children to be honest. No one to share the burden of looking after elderly parents or just to be there during times of family sadness or crisis.

greendale17 · 07/02/2019 08:17

I feel more sorry for adults who are only children to be honest. No one to share the burden of looking after elderly parents or just to be there during times of family sadness or crisis.

^This. I have seen adult only children struggle very much

poldarkssecretlover · 07/02/2019 08:18

Having a sibling doesn't guarantee that though. My dh has a sister and she's sod all to help look after their widowed mum. Dh shoulders it all.

Turniptracker · 07/02/2019 08:18

The way people talk about only children is laughable. I honestly cannot understand what can possibly be perceived as so terrible. Not directly living with another child 24/7?? We still have friends and parents and families. You'd think we all living in padded cells and never spoke to anyone, formed deep meaningful relationships or had life partners. Both my parents hate their siblings for different reasons. Its not always better to have a sibling. Can people please stop acting like there is something wrong with only children!