To what another child just because I don't want DS to be an only child?

[Dera1234]

I had a horrible pregnancy, and a horrible birth with DS who is now 9mo.

I love him dearly, but frankly hate the whole lugging a pram everywhere, thinking about bottles, planning life around nap time, only being able to work so much because of childcare costs etc. I do love being a Mum, this baby stage just seems very taxing and I'm not sure I could do it again.

However, despite never wanting to feel how I did during pregnancy or childbirth again, I worry about him growing up without siblings close in age that live with him. He has a half brother, who stays with us at weekends, but there's a nine year gap. Whilst DS absolutely adores DSS and vice versa, he's not around all the time.

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff. Whilst he'll have that to an extent with his half brother, I just don't know whether he'll be missing out.

I always wanted a big family of my own. And I don't know whether I should grit my teeth and bare another pregnancy and labour and baby stage if it meant giving DS more siblings.

But then, I can't understand how I would ever love another baby even half as much as I love my DS. Or would I feel bad for having o split attention and time between DS and other children.

My DP isn't averse to another one at all and we left it as we would talk about it when DP was one and see how we both felt. And there's no rush although I would like a small gap. But I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation, or can vouch that being an only child sucks and we should actively reproduce at all costs?

And before I get flamed I know he isn't an only child, but in terms of having siblings who grow up in the same home life, same schools etc etc.

Is it wrong of me to wish I had more family who could help me?

It is if that continues to cause you to feel bad.

You do have family to help you. Your family. And professional support, should you wish to seek it. Working with your mother's embarrassment might help if she knew that this embarrassment was being a burden on you and if she doesn't want to be a burden, then she should work with you to help you. You don't just have to accept this situation. I'd set up a new thread in relationships or elderly and I am sure you would get plenty of support and advice. You are right that you shouldn't be feeling this way but blaming it on being an only isn't true and nor is it helpful.

I say this as one of three who had to look after my own parents by myself. When they died, my sister did not help with the probate and my gambling addict brother caused no end of problems before and after (my parents placed the 'burden' of me being a trustee with his inheritance to ensure he didn't gamble it away. 10 years on and I am still paying solicitor fees to ensure the trust, out of my own pocket and my brother doesn't speak to me, despite me helping him buy a flat on his own, mortgage free.)
Trust me, the grass is not always greener and I've learnt to not resent my situation. It's easier to not hold on to 'what ifs.'

I would say you're putting yourself under pressure to think about this too early. A lot can change in a few months. There's no hurry. Just relax and enjoy your baby.

If I only had one child then I'd feel bad, as DM does putting all the care on them. I'd hate to do it, but would I have any other option?
TBH my teenagers don't want to empty her commode. Nor does my husband, but says he would if necessary.

I don't honestly want any of my DC's or DH to have to do that for me.

As it stands my eldest DC is at university, the next will be going later this year. DC2 does some of DM's shopping, so that will soon fall to me.
DC3 does some practical stuff for her, but DC4 is only little, so can't be any help.
We don't have money to pay for a carer. It's not a job I would choose to do (I know people who work in care who love the jobs they do and don't mind all the intimate/messy stuff, but it's really not for me).

She has very little family left, and they live at the other end of the country anyway. They ring occasionally, but have't visited ever.

DM has always been very independent, and her decline was quite sudden.

No-one wants their child to end up as their carer, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

There is little or no help available to me.

Like I said. Some people find being an only child great. Others not so much. It's just my view. It's not just the elderly care part. Even if you took that aspect away, I'd still say that I hate being an only child.
I hear my DC's talk about stuff from when they were little. How one remembers something the others forgot until they were reminded. I don't have that. And some people don't want that. There's no guarantee life with brothers and sisters is going to be better that life without. As a parent you either make the decision or take the cards dealt.

lemonpiezz .

I don't blame you for wishing there were others to share the load with you, who wouldn't? But my DM is in your situation and she's one of four siblings. 100% of the care falls to her. One of her siblings lives abroad, the others are local but just aren't interested. I've tried to help, as have a couple of my cousins but my DGM won't have it.

Only have another baby if you want one OP. Your ds will just have to deal with that situation, whether it turns out to be no more or three more. Each family size has pros and cons.

At only 9 months post partum, you don't have to decide now anyway.

Tbh I don't really believe people who say that they didn't want want a second baby but had one as a sort of gift for the first. It's so martyrish, "oh poor me, I'm such a great mother I even had another baby for my kid".

I feel you on the horrible pregnancy though. I was almost hoping I'd hate being a mum so I wouldn't be tempted to go through it again - unfortunately I love it.

Isn't the desire to not have an only child the main reason people have more kids?

The months of pregnancy and the early baby stage seem endless at the time but they are really just a blink in a lifetime.

I had a horrible first pregnancy and PND. The first year was pretty awful I found having a baby very difficult.
However we didn't want an only child and the highs more than outweighed the lows so we had a second with a two year age gap.
The second pregnancy was also difficult and I had a toddler.

The baby stage was so much easier second time around, not because it was an easier baby but because I had learned.
The two year gap was perfect and my children were very close growing up.
They are adults now and great friends. They have that shared family history, remembering stuff from when they were little.

There has never been a moment when I had any regrets about having the second child. My only regret is that I didn't have more.

You're only 9 months in OP, the first year can be really challenging. I wouldn't put any pressure on yourself to decide now, you may well change your mind as your baby becomes more of a 'proper person'. But if you don't want another then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. From an anecdotal perspective I know several only children who seem very happy and content with their lives.

You just have to remember that in the grand scheme of things the baby stage is so fleeting. Personally I much prefer toddlerhood (so far anyway!!).

I'm so sorry for what you're going through @lemonpiezz.

I must say this thread is making me feel a bit relived. Sometimes I love the idea of being pregnant again and having a tiny baby again but it's short lived when I remember the pain and how the pregnancy affected my ability to do anything.

I have to say, I think my mind has been made up for now. We have a lovely little family and I think we'd be best off starting to enjoy being able to go on holidays, start working again and all that stuff you can't really do with a newborn. Plus I think poor DSS misses our weekends of being here there and everywhere doing loads of fun stuff. I think I'd really struggle to go backwards when I'm enjoying the increasing flexibility as he gets older.

Thanks Mumsnetters! You've really helped clear my head on this one :D

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff.

I don’t have that relationship with my sibling at all. We have nothing in common and barely speak tbh.

I have two friends who were bullied by their older sibling.

Siblings are not always a benefit.

Have another DC if you want one, not to give your child a sibling.

Cross posted

Gosh it’s such a personal decision.

I had a ghastly pregnancy with my first child - I was in hospital for several weeks and eventually they were delivered in an emergency section under general anaesthetic, not breathing with an AGPAR score of 1, he was taken to SCBU where he stayed for several weeks. I felt very similar to you OP so we had another baby 2 years later - vomited for 9 months and got pre eclampsia again but had an elective section and baby came out pink and well

I found baby stage hard work (and at times deadly dull).

Fast forward many years (now 15 & 13) and I am so so pleased I had another (wish I’d had 3) - they fight sometimes and are adorable at other times but they have a sibling (something I - am only child- never had).

As an only child with one living elderly parent it is a huge responsibility at times being the only one.

As far as the problems with pregnancies and births I have 2 healthy children and what seemed so big / insurmountable at times is now way in the past.

I can’t tell you what to do but I am very pleased I had a 2nd. Do what feels right for you

My close friend growing up was an only child and had ‘only child syndrome’. Still as an adult she has these traits and it can be frustrating to be around her so she’s lost a lot of friends because of it. Definitely depends on parenting styles though.

What about adoption OP if you don’t want to go through pregnancy again?

Grew up only child and it was great but now I am sad that when my parents are gone there'll be no one who remembers them like I do. So, I am going to have another one. For myself I will have an elective c and am saving to do it privately. Not going through natural again, op.

Funnily enough I was looking at adoption the other day. I just don't know if I'd feel really cruel on DS or if that's silly and I'm being far too precious. It's definitely something to think about though.

Why do you think adoption would be cruel to ds?

I had a difficult birth and my son as a difficult baby. He is now 5 and remains an only child.

You can make sure they are not lonely through activities with other kids e.g. playdates or extracurricular - my son does drama once a week and they do shows twice a year - it's been brilliant for him and he has many friends there. Plus swimming and friends through school/cousins.

Only doesn't have to mean lonely and some siblings don't get on at all.

Just in that it'd be a very big adjustment for him, dependent on age.

@AhoyDelBoy How am I being aggressive? Are you ever defensive much?

@lemonpiezz If she is incontinent and can't get around, wouldn't it be easier for her to be in a nursing home?

@xMSx Just what is this 'only child syndrome'? I've never heard of it.

There is almost 11 years between DB and I, and I have to admit, those years of being an only child bring back horrible memories for me - overwhelming loneliness, and a huge amount of pressure and focus on me as the only child. I don't think this was solely due to being an 'only' - it was also due to parenting styles. My parents didn't have many children with friends, weren't particularly keen on child friendly activities, and we hardly saw my same-age cousins growing up. I was thrilled when my brother came along, and even though we don't have a huge amount in common, and always seem to be at different stages of life due to our age gap, I know we will always be there for each other.

I was determined for my DD1 to not relive the lonely early childhood that I did, and was very keen to have another as soon as I felt ready. My DH, who had a sister 2 years older, didn't feel quite as strongly about it.

Of course, there are no guarantees that they will get along, but we will do our best to raise them to be close, and to be there for each other as they grow up.

@LunafortJest

I didn't say she was incontinent. I said she couldn't manage the stairs to the bathroom and uses a commode.

DM’s sister emigrated to Australia 40 years ago. DF used to tell me how he was made to play with his sister and as soon as the adults were gone he’d chase her away because she was uncool. DH’s sister moved 300 miles away and only visits twice a year. My neighbours brother drank himself to death in his 30s. Another acquaintance lost his brother in a car accident. Having a sibling is no guarantee of a close and lasting relationship. I’m an only and was perfectly happy receiving all the attention, resources, support and time my parents had to offer.