To what another child just because I don't want DS to be an only child?

[Dera1234]

I had a horrible pregnancy, and a horrible birth with DS who is now 9mo.

I love him dearly, but frankly hate the whole lugging a pram everywhere, thinking about bottles, planning life around nap time, only being able to work so much because of childcare costs etc. I do love being a Mum, this baby stage just seems very taxing and I'm not sure I could do it again.

However, despite never wanting to feel how I did during pregnancy or childbirth again, I worry about him growing up without siblings close in age that live with him. He has a half brother, who stays with us at weekends, but there's a nine year gap. Whilst DS absolutely adores DSS and vice versa, he's not around all the time.

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff. Whilst he'll have that to an extent with his half brother, I just don't know whether he'll be missing out.

I always wanted a big family of my own. And I don't know whether I should grit my teeth and bare another pregnancy and labour and baby stage if it meant giving DS more siblings.

But then, I can't understand how I would ever love another baby even half as much as I love my DS. Or would I feel bad for having o split attention and time between DS and other children.

My DP isn't averse to another one at all and we left it as we would talk about it when DP was one and see how we both felt. And there's no rush although I would like a small gap. But I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation, or can vouch that being an only child sucks and we should actively reproduce at all costs?

And before I get flamed I know he isn't an only child, but in terms of having siblings who grow up in the same home life, same schools etc etc.

I was an only child (still am!) and I loved it! Never having to compete for attention, no one to share toys with, nobody to have to be compared to or rival with... I really enjoyed it. My DP is also an only child and feels the same way. I know people say "an only child is a lonely child" but it's nonsense. Besides, I know plenty of siblings who simply do not get along.

But it's totally up to you! My mum decided not to have another child because her pregnancy was horrible. So I'm sure she would agree with your logic.

lemonpiezz - I hate to say this, but your situation is much less to do with being an only child than it is to do with personality. If your DM won't let anyone else do anything for her except you, what on earth makes you think she would let a sibling do them any more than she lets your DH or your DC? She chooses to burden you in this way, and you can bet your life that that would be no different if you had a sibling.

I have several siblings, but if it was just me and my brother, I know who'd be carrying - and expected to be carrying - the burden and it wouldn't be him.

"an only child is a lonely child"

No-one with an IQ above about 5 says that any more, though, because the only child myths have been pretty comprehensively debunked except for Daily Mail readers and their ilk.

@RiverTam exactly

The fact that my DD is an only child means that a) we can afford to spend money on the extras in life that we couldn't afford if we had two kids and b) we can afford to save money so that when we are old and need care we can afford to pay for it. I have no intention of being a burden on DD and don't really understand elderly parents like those of lemonpiezz who seem to actively want to make their child's life harder.

LunafortJest
Jeepers, aggressive much?

I’m the eldest of four and glad of it. I’d love a ‘big’ family (3 or 4) but just can’t see how that is feasible in this day and age. Hopefully we are blessed with a DD2. If I was you I’d try for a DC2 and see what happens (hopefully it’s not DC2 and 3!)

Looking at my own family and all the people I’ve known over 48 years, I’d say don’t have a baby because you feel guilty about DS being an only.
It’s hardly scientific, but I’d say just fewer than 50% of siblings I know got on in childhood, and even fewer retain that closeness in adulthood. My own mum did everything by the book in introducing me to
my older brother but he was still devastated by my arrival and loathed and tormented me for most of my childhood. He decided he liked me once I was a teenager but we never became close enough to be equivalent to close friends.
I know triplets who have nothing in common and rarely meet as adults! Of course I know close siblings but you can’t guarantee it, and given your fears about birth and lack of relish for the early months, why risk spoiling what you’ve got?
Cousins can be great, and of course the close friends he may make.
There is 8 years between my girls, and while the eldest went through a stage of fantasising about having a twin when little, there are no regrets from any of us about having more.
I too get misty eyed about large families, I wanted one myself but marriage breakdown intervened, however when I look at the reality around me I recognise that I am romanticising it and it works in some families, and others struggle.

A DC2, DD or DS.

lemonpiezz that's nothing to do with being an only child, that's just to do with your mother.

I'm an only child and my mother would never behave like that.

Dera1234 I was the same as you. Had deeply traumatising birth, struggled with DS and found motherhood very hard to adjust to. I even loathed being pregnant, so there was NOTHING that made me want to have another baby, other than that I didn't want DS to be an only child.

I took the plunge and DS has a sister and I have the most lovely daughter. She is 17 now and I couldn't be more happy that I was brave enough to have her.

FWIW, I found having a second much easier. I'd already made the adjustment to parenthood and had a vague idea as to what I was doing.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm a happy only child. I've just given birth to our son and there will be no siblings. I had a great childhood and frankly am hoping that my husband doesn't tell me to crack on with caring for my elderly parents as he isn't my sibling.

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. I'm fairly new and felt a bit weird throwing such a personal topic out there. @Rivertam and anyone else I may have upset, I'm so so sorry if this thread has upset you in anyway. This wasn't my intention. And nor can I compare to your devestation, I too didn't just conceive DS easily. We had miscarriages also.

I'm not for a second implying that an only child is lonely or unhappy, just I grew up with 3 siblings and it was great. I have complex relationship with on sibling and have been through the mill with the other two but I can't help but think of all those wonderful memories we have together. Whether it's us all being naughty together, or something that Mum did that was really funny. It's lovely when we all come together as adults and start down that memory lane.

He does have his half brother,and I so hope they grow up to be close. But the reality is DSS does not live with us, as much as we hope he'll what to spend more time at ours as he gets older, it isn't guaranteed.

I do want another for reasons outside of DS being an only child but the pregnancy and labour put me off.

It seems the general consensus is that it's not all that bad, and what a PP said about being able to be the Mum she wanted to be, that really resonated also. So thank you all for your advice and thoughts.

As an only child, with an elderly and housebound parent, I'm finding life increasingly difficult.
I am the only person she can call on. There is no other family. Only me.
She won't let my DH or teenage DC's do any of the more grotty jobs. Only me.
Personal care, shopping, appointments, doctor, hospital. Her freezer broke down, I had to clean it and replace it. Every single day.
I can't even contemplate a weekend away, never mind a holiday as there is no-one else. Only me.
I have my own family to take care of. I wish I had a brother or sister to share this burden. I have a painful mobility issue myself, but I have to carry on. I have a medical issue, I can live with but I could have a small operation to fix it, but I don't have the time. If I'm in hospital there is no-one to look after my DM.
What if your DM also refused any help from your siblings and still only wanted you to do everything here
The other day my DM said she wished she'd had more children. Not as much as I do.

I am so sorry - this must be so stressful for you. But what if you had siblings who lived out of the country? What if you had siblings who argued with you and your mother over her care? What if you had siblings who just didn't bother and you did everything anyway?
Then what if you had to then fight with those siblings over your mother's personal effects, inheritance or legal issues? What if you also had a very sick sibling that you also had to care for, at the same time?
Having siblings is not a guaranteed magical fix for when times are hard, sadly. And I say this to help you feel that things could be worse or at least, that your current situation may not be fixed by having a sibling and this might help you feel less angry.

Your mother has a wonderful child in you and you are obviously caring, kind and capable. A credit to her. If you can't respond to her that she can also have her son in law and grandchildren care for her, then that's a different issue.

can we stop feeling sorry for only children? Because your're making those of us who didn't choose this (7 miscarriages including 3 hospitalizations and 1 blood transfusion, and I know plenty of others with similar stories) feel really shit.

Exactly. Offensive nonsense.

I'm pregnant with my first and finding the pregnancy very difficult so the thoughts of having to do it again is quite scary. And I haven't experienced giving birth yet

However with that said I still plan on having more than one child god willing. I'm one of three and I don't have contact with my parents so I can't imagine what my life would be like without siblings. I wouldn't have any family at all and my baby wouldn't have any aunts/uncles.

If only having one child is right for you then you'll know. I know it's not right for me because of my personal circumstances so everyone is different.

Also my husband wants at least 3 so we'll see

I know plenty of happy onlies and many siblings who do not like each other in adulthood.

One thing though- I went for a briefing with the head of midwifery at my hospital when pregnant with my second as I was so terrified of having the same birth as with my first. She said second births are (often) a lot easier, and she was right. I found the pregnancy hard going but the birth relatively straightforward, even enjoyable and for me at least managed to put to rest the birth trauma first time around.

Obviously you have no way of knowing if this would be you. I just want to point out that often first births are very difficult and traumatic, there are stats that back this up. No guarantees though and people do have difficult births many kids in.

I hated being pregnant, hated the whole birth process (emergency c sec), hated the newbie phase, hated the toddler phase. But I wanted a big family more than anything, so gritted my teeth and was fortunate enough to be able to have three close together. Luckily, they all get on, they're best friends together and have learned so much just from having each other. Its easier now they're older, and I just love it. Wouldn't change the situation for Nything, and glad I gritted my teeth and just got it over and done with.

Most people assume siblings get on, and will always do so. Some do, and some don't! If nothing else, MN shows you that there are a lot of completely dysfunctional people out there, generally blood related!

People assume multi-sibling families are all equally involved in elderly parent-care - they aren't, it's nearly always left to one sibling, generally the daughter/the closest/SAH/the one that can be bothered.

Have a baby if YOU want a baby not because you think someone else will like one.

The second and subsequent children never get the attention the first had, they cant possibly, they are sharing it so they only get 50%, then if another comes along 33%, then 25% and so forth. That's simple mathematics.

Other people will disagree of course, but I have multiple children and I see the dynamics, the younger ones are somewhat excluded as everything ultimately focuses round the older ones, they are the ones with the 'firsts'- first to nursery, to primary, to secondary, for GCSEs, to 6th form, A levels , uni, job and so on..... those milestone aren't as celebrated for subsequent children because you've done them all already.

Dera1234 - it's nothing you have said at all - you're OP didn't offend me in the slightest. It's other people on this thread who've got my back up - well, on this thread and countless others.

I fully understand the issues around caring for elderly parents, but all I can do is hope that if and when the time comes (hopefully me and DH will be fighting fit till the end!) that DD will have a family, a DP of her own, or a good strong friendship group to support her.

I don't think it's fair to say my DM is behaving badly.
My mother is embarrassed by her inability to do things. She doesn't want to be a burden. She's embarrassed that she can't get upstairs to the bathroom any more and that I have to empty her commode. She doesn't want my teenage DC's to do that. She doesn't want my DH to do that. I can see her point. She's always been very private and discussion of personal matters is difficult for her.

I don't resent her for it, but I wish I wasn't alone.
I am fully aware that having siblings may not mean I had more help. But in the circumstances it's something I would hope for.
My childhood was lonely.

I appreciate that's not how it is for everyone. Some only children love being an only. I didn't. I'm just putting down how it is for me.
I'm sad, tired, and pretty much on my own. Is it wrong of me to wish I had more family who could help me?

My dd is going to be the only one we have for a lot of different reasons. When her friends started getting siblings she went through a short phase of wanting one but now she is 6 and the reality has set in. She sees the fights, sharing toys and space and parents and she says she is happy as we are and wouldn't want a sibling.

I am currently in therapy due to childhood trauma caused by my sibling. Despite having 3 siblings I still do the care for parents.

If you want another child go for it, but don't do it assuming it will be lovely for your current child. It really might not.

Not, it's not. But it's also not wrong for you to lean on the family you do have and to say to your mum, I'm sorry, but I can't do this alone and DH and the kids are going to help - they want to help - and I need you to accept their help.

lemonpiezz I'm so sorry that sounds absolutely shit and I don't blame you for wishing you could share the care of your mother. But the question is if you only had one child would you be willing to put them in the same position that you are in? I couldn't do that to my DD no matter how embarrassed I was (although I think I'd actually find it less embarrassing having a stranger doing personal care than a loved one - that's probably just me).

We ended up with an only because of secondary infertility. But in many ways it has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

I often see other mums struggling with two. Rushing round from activity to activity. Refereeing fights. Having to spend a lot more on activities and holidays meaning unless they are well off opportunities are curtailed.

MyDS is v happy with lots of friends. Our holidays are always to places with great kids clubs. We make sure to spend lots of time with friends. Our best friends also have an only and the kids have grown up together and are v close.

I think many have a second child because they feel they have to. When actually one child may lead to a better family life both financially and time wise. Some people wrongly still have negative perceptions of only children.

'If nothing else, MN shows you that there are a lot of completely dysfunctional people out there, generally blood related!

Ain't that the truth!