To what another child just because I don't want DS to be an only child?

[Dera1234]

I had a horrible pregnancy, and a horrible birth with DS who is now 9mo.

I love him dearly, but frankly hate the whole lugging a pram everywhere, thinking about bottles, planning life around nap time, only being able to work so much because of childcare costs etc. I do love being a Mum, this baby stage just seems very taxing and I'm not sure I could do it again.

However, despite never wanting to feel how I did during pregnancy or childbirth again, I worry about him growing up without siblings close in age that live with him. He has a half brother, who stays with us at weekends, but there's a nine year gap. Whilst DS absolutely adores DSS and vice versa, he's not around all the time.

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff. Whilst he'll have that to an extent with his half brother, I just don't know whether he'll be missing out.

I always wanted a big family of my own. And I don't know whether I should grit my teeth and bare another pregnancy and labour and baby stage if it meant giving DS more siblings.

But then, I can't understand how I would ever love another baby even half as much as I love my DS. Or would I feel bad for having o split attention and time between DS and other children.

My DP isn't averse to another one at all and we left it as we would talk about it when DP was one and see how we both felt. And there's no rush although I would like a small gap. But I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation, or can vouch that being an only child sucks and we should actively reproduce at all costs?

And before I get flamed I know he isn't an only child, but in terms of having siblings who grow up in the same home life, same schools etc etc.

Sibling bond is overrated IMO and IME. I know far more siblings who aren’t close as adults and almost all siblings fight constantly as children.

That being said I actively tried for another after ds but secondary infertility meant that he grew up as an only child and now looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. He does have a half sibling through his dad but there is thirteen years between them and they have nothing resembling a sibling relationship as they see each other maybe two or three times a year at best.

There is also some argument over having more than one in case something happens to the existing child. Well, that loss wouldn’t be any easier to bear in that event, and actually, my eXH’s sibling has recently died and he is therefore now an only child and will be the one dealing with losses of parents etc as he (and they) get older, and through no conscious decision of anyone....

You have to do what is best for you not what is best for any children you already have or hypothetical children you might have. Because there are no guarantees that things will work as you have envisaged in fact they’re less likely to work out that way.

Agreed, the way people talk about only children is actually bloody offensive.

I wouldn't worry about your capacity to love another child, that capacity just grows. Whether you should have another, only you can decide. I had an awful pregnancy with no.1 and a fairly dreadful birth, after which I left it three years before considering trying again. In the event I had two miscarriages which meant there was a five year gap; the pregnancy was still pretty awful but the birth was surprisingly smooth. However, it sounds as if your experience was worse than mine, so really you have to make the decision for yourself.

I big families are over rated, a lot of people do nt get on with their siblings

I feel more sorry for adults who are only children to be honest. No one to share the burden of looking after elderly parents or just to be there during times of family sadness or crisis.

I agree with the pp who said having a sibling doesn't guarantee that. I get on well with my Dsis but she lives a lot nearer our parents so in reality she would probably end up helping them more. DH is one of 3 children, one went NC 30 years ago due to mental health issues, the other died quite young so he and I will be the only one(s) to deal with his elderly ill parents.

I'm certainly not having another child when I'm happy with one just in case he might be lonely as an adult like I said earlier a lot of families can't have more than one and those kind of statements just give people guilt that they shouldn't be feeling imo

Whatever you do will be fine! It's very easy to overthink as it's such a huge decision.
Some siblings have an amazing bond, some don't.
My DD also has older Siblings who are my SC. She really enjoyed the dynamic between being part of a bigger family half the time and a small unit of 3 the rest of the time.
I would have had another child but DH wasn't keen, so we just have one.
I've had to care alone for an ill and now dead parent and it was tough, but I had the support of friends and my husband. Plus no wrangles with siblings about how to do that, or who inherits the sentimental heirlooms.
DD is now at High School and I think is very happy to be an only at home but has the extended reach of her older siblings who she loves very much.

From what I've seen, most families live in different places so the care of parents normally rests on one sibling anyway, so that 'siblings help in times of crisis' is rubbish. And the amount of times I've heard of a family crisis splitting families/siblings up, shows that it is a hindrance, not necessarily a help. Oh, and the old truism of funerals causing family splits. Yes, my mum/her sister are a testament to this.

No, please don't feel sorry for me. I am both an only child and care for my mother at the same time. A sibling would just complicate it.

"Plus no wrangles with siblings about how to do that, or who inherits the sentimental heirlooms. "

Yep, this so much! Nah, I am so SO grateful I am an only child. I feel sorry for those who have complicated lives/inheritance due to siblings.

Without knowing the reasons for your difficult pregnancy, it might be the case that a second pregnancy could be much easier, as could a second labour. And while I totally get you that the early stages of having a child are no fun, that doesn't last forever.

I'd think about doing it, if I were you, OP.

It’s great to hear from adults who are happy only children. My DD is likely to be an only, but at times I feel so guilty and wonder if we should have a second so she won’t be ‘alone’. However I feel very strongly that guilt by itself is not a good enough reason to bring a new person into the world.

OP, have another child if you actually want one, not because you feel you ought to.

As an only child, with an elderly and housebound parent, I'm finding life increasingly difficult.

I am the only person she can call on. There is no other family. Only me.
She won't let my DH or teenage DC's do any of the more grotty jobs. Only me.
Personal care, shopping, appointments, doctor, hospital. Her freezer broke down, I had to clean it and replace it. Every single day.
I can't even contemplate a weekend away, never mind a holiday as there is no-one else. Only me.
I have my own family to take care of. I wish I had a brother or sister to share this burden. I have a painful mobility issue myself, but I have to carry on. I have a medical issue, I can live with but I could have a small operation to fix it, but I don't have the time. If I'm in hospital there is no-one to look after my DM.
The other day my DM said she wished she'd had more children. Not as much as I do.

Lunafort
Yes, I've seen this too, in my own wider family and friends. Whereas I was able to just quietly get on with dealing with it.
I'm an only child myself and although I sometimes see friends with adult siblings they have amazing relationships with (and have a little pang of envy) overall I am happy with my lot.

I'm the first to extol the virtues of having siblings and will try for another at some point. But, in your case, feeling as you do, I do wonder if it would be fair to your younger child. I'd say if you don't want to have the child for its own sake then don't do it.

Naive suggestion: If you change your mind later and really want another child, you could look into adopting/long term fostering a child of similar age when your child is much older and better able to cope with sharing attention. I'm aware it would be a totally different experience from having a biological sibling (and a completely different ball-game from having another baby) and it may not appeal for all sorts of reasons, you'd have to do buckets of research and would need a career break (or to stop work if fostering), so probably not the best if you're very career-minded. Could be a horrible idea. Thought I'd mention it though.

I have a few friends who are only children and they don’t feel like they missed out on anything whatsoever. In fact they had incredibly good childhoods and I imagine their parents didn’t feel the guilt anyone with more than one feels over offering adequate 1:1 time. There are many benefits to only having one child. I am my Dad’s only child and he was able to financially support me and offer me lots of opportunities he may have struggled with had he had more children. My DM had my brother when I was six and I was never close to him, still not now.

I wouldn’t feel guilty about only having one and technically your DS does have a brother however large the age gap.

Frankly, I find it much worse having frail elderly parents and a brother who is worse than useless. If I didn't have a sibling I could just crack on with it knowing where I stood.

My sibling is a right arsehole so while I'm sure it was nice for my parents, it's not been nice for me.

My first is one yo and I'm not sure I can face another pregnancy with an active, willful toddler who finds danger at every turn. Just the logistics of it baffle me - how would I throw up 3 times a day with a kid who is obsessed with putting his hands down the toilet?!

We have one son now 13 and it's superb. He loves being an only one and if I had my time again I'll do the same.
His friends are like siblings that go home best of both worlds.

YABU. I am an only child and I love it and would loathe a sibling. The thought of having to spend time with people as a child. Ugh. I am also a teacher and all my only children students say the same. I went to a school with a fairly transient population and didn't struggle to make friends. I had some great friends growing up. I have fantastic friends now but I love my own company and have always happily gone out for meals alone, gone to the cinema alone, etc etc.

The assumption that if you have siblings the "burden" of care is lessened when parents are old is also not always true. My Dad didn't carry his share of the care with his elderly parents (for very good reasons I'll add) so his sisters had to.

My parents are old and ill. They look after each other and my DH is a legend who I know would help me if I did need to care for them. He doesn't get on well with his siblings either. We had some awful news about my Dad a few months ago and honestly I really didn't wish I had a sibling to share it with. It didn't even cross my mind.

I am now pregnant with our first child. This will be our only child. I get so sad about the stereotypes that exist about only children and the feeling that a sibling is needed to make a first born happy or feel complete or not lonely. I have never been unhappy or incomplete by virtue of being an only child and I am never ever lonely. In fact, quite the opposite - I am used to being alone and I like it.

OP it's still relatively early days for you and your ds. I swore I'd never go through it again after having ds1 but about 18 months later I really wanted a second. Mainly to be a sibling but also to see what another would be like! We had secondary infertility so could have stuck with one, and I definitely see the benefits. Luckily with ivf we had ds2. The pregnancy and birth were quite different. I love him so much but it is difficult with 2 young ones... I see now how much of the difficult stuff passes in time though. Best of luck whatever you decide.

I feel more sorry for adults who are only children to be honest. No one to share the burden of looking after elderly parents or just to be there during times of family sadness or crisis.*

Terrible idea to bring another child into the world just so they can share a burden. There are no guarantees that any child will care for their elderly parent.

OP only have a child if you are prepared for pregnancy, labour and raising a child for 18+ years. Yes there would be good times, but also a lot of stress and loss of freedom.

Some siblings hate each other and do nothing but fight. Everyone hopes their DCs will be besties but that doesn’t always happen.

As long as you ensure lots of socialising for your DS then he won’t miss out at all.

If you pop over to the "elderly parents" thread you will find it's full of people with siblings struggling with the care burden on their own while sibling swans in from time to time and pontificates on what needs to be done. Or disagrees radically with decisions to be made so nothing actually gets done.

As an only, I felt I had more involvement than my friends in family decisions like where to go on a day out, And my friends have always admired my ability to amuse myself and to enjoy time on my own.

I really didn’t find the jump from 1 to 2 that bad. We have a 2.5yr gap so DS1 didn’t need as much - no naps, could feed himself, etc. I also didn’t find the baby stuff as overwhelming because I had done it all before.

When I wasn’t sure I was ready to have another we agreed to discuss it at a certain date and decide whether to start trying. I found having that date in my mind helped me come round to the idea and by the time we got there I was ready.

For me it was really important to have another though. My parents died when I was in my 20s and the only positive thing about it was having my sister to go through it with. I also saw my mum and her brother dealing with my gran’s dementia and wouldn’t want one child to have to go through that alone.

I feel more sorry for adults who are only children to be honest. No one to share the burden of looking after elderly parents or just to be there during times of family sadness or crisis

I have a severely disabled sibling. So rather than sharing the burden, I will have someone else to worry about when both my parents are gone. I love my sibling dearly but the impact of their issues on our family has been enormous. I don't wish to sound negative because for most families everthing is straightforward but please think through every eventuality before you make a decision.

can we stop feeling sorry for only children? Because your're making those of us who didn't choose this (7 miscarriages including 3 hospitalizations and 1 blood transfusion, and I know plenty of others with similar stories) feel really shit.

So thanks for that.