To what another child just because I don't want DS to be an only child?

[Dera1234]

I had a horrible pregnancy, and a horrible birth with DS who is now 9mo.

I love him dearly, but frankly hate the whole lugging a pram everywhere, thinking about bottles, planning life around nap time, only being able to work so much because of childcare costs etc. I do love being a Mum, this baby stage just seems very taxing and I'm not sure I could do it again.

However, despite never wanting to feel how I did during pregnancy or childbirth again, I worry about him growing up without siblings close in age that live with him. He has a half brother, who stays with us at weekends, but there's a nine year gap. Whilst DS absolutely adores DSS and vice versa, he's not around all the time.

I grew up in a big family and love that bond you have with your siblings, and all the funny stories, and someone to talk to about stuff. Whilst he'll have that to an extent with his half brother, I just don't know whether he'll be missing out.

I always wanted a big family of my own. And I don't know whether I should grit my teeth and bare another pregnancy and labour and baby stage if it meant giving DS more siblings.

But then, I can't understand how I would ever love another baby even half as much as I love my DS. Or would I feel bad for having o split attention and time between DS and other children.

My DP isn't averse to another one at all and we left it as we would talk about it when DP was one and see how we both felt. And there's no rush although I would like a small gap. But I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation, or can vouch that being an only child sucks and we should actively reproduce at all costs?

And before I get flamed I know he isn't an only child, but in terms of having siblings who grow up in the same home life, same schools etc etc.

I have a sister 2 years older than me and we could not be more different from one another and have therefore never had a friendship. No big family drama or incident which caused this, we just simply don't enjoy each other's company. I sometimes see it as not having had the benefits of a sibling or of being an only child! Don't get me wrong, I had a great upbringing; we just have almost nothing to do with each other and really never have. Just putting it out there that it's definitely not guaranteed that a 2nd child will bring the relationship to your DC that you imagine/hope. Good luck with whatever you decide OP!

I have 4 brothers and am very close to 2 in age. We live close to each other and talk quite often, I couldn’t imagine my son both having that so we had another.

Him and his sister and now 3 and 1. He has special needs so it’s different to your case but nevertheless they are best friends. It’s helped him immensely and they absolutely adore playing with each other.

You do love the the same.. you just do. You don’t think you will but you just do.

I would wait for a year until the baby stage is fully over and see how you feel. I couldn’t imagine another child until my son was 1 and a half (little older) but as soon as he became a proper toddler I forgot how hard he baby stage was!

I have an only. Before having dd I wanted 3 but after the awful birth and dd was a difficult baby with severe reflux and tbh at 5 she’s still full on and never sleeps and never seems to stay still for a minute. I am one of 6 and don’t get on with any of my siblings one which is 14 months this younger.

We used to get on but tbh she felt always in my shadow so constantly tried to get away from me, I don’t speak to any of them really except maybe Christmas. So sibling bond although it does exist isn’t a good enough reason to have more dc imo.

I do look at other families with more than one dc and think ah that’s nice but then I remember I am able to be a sahm, have nice house and financial freedom which means a lot to me. I’m also able to travel the world which we do and as three it’s pretty straightforward. If you really want another though I think you might be ok. I am happy but I also have time on my hands to choose to change my mind further down the road. I haven’t completely written off having another but I know I couldn’t cope with another right now.

Yes YABU. You should only have another child because you want to be a parent again not to provide your child with company. Also you seem to really hate the day to day of parenting, what if the next child had a medical need or a learning disability and you never totally got away from the "baby stage"? Or what if they hated each other and all you had done was provide your child with someone to fight with?

Luna it’s the perceived serotype that only children are spoiled, bratty and maladjusted, a quick google will give you more info.

I’m an only child. I had a happy childhood but was a bit lonely and longed for a sibling. Now I’m facing my parents not being here any more and it’s absolutely crushing that there is no one left who remembers my nuclear family from the inside. It’s awful. I’m sorry to be blunt but I would have given up all the privileges I had as an only child for a sibling in a heartbeat.

I understand that there are many reasons for people having just one child.

But for the OP, the baby stage whizzes by really and when your dc is a bit older it might be harder to dive back into the world of babies? If I was you I’d go for it and have a second. I have two dc and they play together (mostly happily) ALL the time. It’s wonderful and so much easier now than if I just had one to entertain. (I play with them a lot too, but it’s great that they have each other).

I don’t want to upset anyone. There are good things about being an only child but on balance I would never choose that for my child. I understand that for many it isn’t a choice though.

The perceived stereotype that has been thoroughly debunked so how your friend can have had a "syndrome" that doesn't exist, God only knows

Generally, those studies showed that singletons aren't measurably different from other kids — except that they, along with firstborns and people who have only one sibling, score higher in measures of intelligence and achievement. No one, Falbo says, has published research that can demonstrate any truth behind the stereotype of the only child as lonely, selfish and maladjusted. (She has spoken those three words so many times in the past 35 years that they run together as one: lonelyselfishmaladjusted.) Falbo and Polit later completed a second quantitative review of more than 200 personality studies. By and large, they found that the personalities of only children were indistinguishable from their peers with siblings.

The full article from Time magazine is here

YABU if the only reason is to stop DS being an only. Being an only is quite nice!
However if you want another child then have one.

I wouldn’t personally. We have one and we want to stick at one.
I think it’s a gamble that might not pay off. What if they don’t get on? What if they never get on? What if they spend all day fighting and become estranged when adults? What if (as in the case of a friend of mine) the second child is born with a disability and the care of that sibling will fall on the shoulders of the first child when their mum is no longer with them? What if you had twins or triplets and the care of two/three small babies plus a toddler was too much for you to handle? Etc etc

I know we will have to make an extra effort for DS to make sure he has friends to play with etc
But we will also be able to provide for him and give him better opportunities than we could if we had two.

I only ever wanted one because my childhood was ruined by my father favouritising my sister and so I just have my DD. She is only 10 and I see pluses and minuses. We are extremely close, like best friends and mother and daughter. We take lots of trips together, do things we enjoy with no compromising. I have more money to spend on her and my career has gone well without any more breaks in it. But she does play a lot on her own and plays lots of imaginary games with imaginary characters and I can’t help thinking she is a bit more lonely than she would have been with a sibling. She is a happy child though and doesn’t complain. If I wasn’t allergic to animals I definitely would have bought her a pet.

I would definitely give my child a sibling if possible.

But she does play a lot on her own and plays lots of imaginary games with imaginary characters

I did this two and I have two sisters

Not wanting DS1 to be an only child was a HUGE factor in the decision to have a second baby.

And it was 100% the right decision.

ethelfleda

I agree. I thought I wanted two children but I found the first year so unbelievably hard that we're more than happy just with the one. DH doesn't talk to his brother and I have 3 siblings and the only one I get on with is my youngest sister. The more I've thought about it the more I've realised so many things that I hated about being in a big family and so many problems that my siblings have caused. It's all very well and good for people to say that they had wonderful sibling relationships and wanted the same for their children but it's just not the reality for so so many people.
Yes, I could have another child and the baby stage would pass, of course. But the risks for me are too great. I had a scary birth...EMCS which I am very grateful for, next time I might not be so lucky. They might not get on and argue all the time and I struggle with lots of noise and chaos. I might have PND again and lose myself for another whole year, a year that my DS would be older and would be able to see me be that unhappy.
I'm really happy with being a family of three and I'm looking forward to having some time back to myself and being able to just enjoy DS growing up. This way we can have a bit more money to enjoy ourselves, after both having grown up with not very much, and I can afford to stay a home with DS as it's not too long of a break out of work. We're looking at buying near a lovely park with lots of groups for DS so we can be out meeting people all day. Doesn't sound too bad to me!

@MumUnderTheMoon it's not that I hate it at all. Sometimes it's mundane and lonely and the time before my DP walks in from work seems an eternity. But then we have wonderful times. As I'm sure most would agree is the norm with babies.

Hi OP
I wouldn't worry about not loving another one as much, a lot of people are worried about this and I've literally never heard anyone say they were right to worry!

If you're worried you're not going to cope though, I would think twice.

I didn't cope as well as I thought. It's lovely seeing the love they have for each other and seeing them play together and the older one look out for the baby and making each other laugh.

I found the disadvantages -
Unless you have them v v close in age it's very difficult for them to do any activities together. We've had to stop things like swimming lessons until the eldest is old enough to do some by herself. She does do some activities still but it means I have to drag the baby out and try and entertsin her in waiting rooms etc

When they're ill it's a million times worse than when one of them was ill. There are twice as many bugs coming into the house from nursery and playgroups etc

Tireness. Neither of ours sleep badly but combined it means there is just much less chance to recover

Just lots of little things like how much of a pain it is to get both ready and out the house, dragging one out when they're ill but the other needs to be somewhere, not being able to go places when the baby needs a nap, getting angry when the eldest wakes the baby etc

I know all of these are temporary things and I will probably have a completely different view in 18 months! But it is a bit more frustrating than I imagined at the moment and feels a lot more hectic than with one

We don't have much help or support though - no relatives on our doorstep, we both work quite hard etc so I imagine would be very different if neither of these applied

No YANBU. I think it is a perfectly valid reason to have another child.

Sure siblings don't always get along, but there is a shared experience that IME has a value and inherent support in it. I'm one of three and the only one living in this country - but I can contact my siblings about my dad and they get it, immediately. When my mum died they got it. That support/connection at this stage of my life (I'm in my 50s) is really important to me. I would hate to be doing this without them.

And that's separate to all the good times we had together as kids (we weren't the Waltons but we have a lot of good (and mixed) shared memories and experiences and I love them and am glad they are here). I see similar with my own kids. It is not disrespecting of only children or their parents to identify advantages to having siblings.

FWIW I think you're at the most wearing tedious stage of childhood at 9 months. I remember it as a bit of a drag ... much prefer either the little baby or toddler stage (and afterwards). I've a 5 and then a 3 year gap between my kids - FWIW I highly recommend 3 as the first is quite independent and comfortable in their skin and not put out by the newbie, but the gap is small enough that you get a lot of years of them having similar interests etc.

I had an only child for 5 years ... there's a weight of expectation and focus that can be hard (both ways), and there's a wonderful dilution of all of that when there's another one. I'd say it all becomes more relaxed. Starting with the tyranny of nap times (since you mentioned it) ... my youngest never napped in a cot ever ... she slept in the car, pushchair, sling ... wherever and whenever. Highly recommend just getting on with what you want/need to do in a day and letting them slot into the day rather than tying yourself in knots. (I tried that with my first and it is nothing but miserable afaic).

I don't know if any of that helps. You're going to have as many experiences and opinions as there are posters. And you'll make the decision that seems to make most sense to you. But YADNBU.

Can I just say that having a sibling does not guarantee you will get support with elderly parents. My dh gets no support from his sister in looking after their widowed mum, it's all on his shoulders.

Course it doesn't. But it gives you a better chance of support than if you have no siblings ;-)

I'm the only one of three children living in the same country as my dad. So there's no practical support from my siblings. But I do get to talk to them and get their input if I need it.

I also don't believe that having a sibling automatically means you will be close. Some are. Some aren't. And that can change over time. That would be my experience anyway. But there is a shared experience that I value despite the distance between us, both physical and emotional.