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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 14:01

She also calls it a “reveal party”.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 07/02/2019 14:07

I have seen some amusing 'reveal's on you tube. Didn't someone in America set fire to grass lands and cause an awful lot of damage?

chuttypicks · 07/02/2019 14:09

Your DF is an ass and you need to tell him that. However, a gender reveal party is the height of ridiculousness and YABU in having one.

Kennehora · 07/02/2019 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaseofEllen · 07/02/2019 14:15

@Denise3011 congratulations on DC2! I think your DF is being totally unreasonable, my parents preference was to not find out either but they happily came alone to our gender scan at 17 weeks as it was our choice!

Also, all those criticising you for having a gender revel party or whatever you want to call it are missing the point of your post and it's quite rude. Your choice, again OP.

PortiaFinis · 07/02/2019 14:18

Yes, using apostrophes.

Which do you think is the most dickish? Continuously slagging someone off to no purpose on the internet - or having some family and friends over for supper to tell them that your longed for baby is healthy and well and a boy or a girl.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 14:27

Dress it up how you like but the OP herself has admitted that she put all the photos of her baby showers and cake smash all over FB, hardly keeping “small and intimate” is it?

Maybe dad can’t stomach it either.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2019 14:28

I also don't see why they're 'grabby'. You don't have presents at a reveal party do you? (as no one yet knows the sex!)

And as for baby showers - they're usually organised by someone else, not the mum-to-be, so they're not grabby either!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 14:31

Baby showers usually have the approval of the mum to be though.

Strokethefurrywall · 07/02/2019 14:38

GreatDuckCookery your posts are becoming so pointless it's actually fun to watch...

notacooldad · 07/02/2019 14:41

Gender reveal party. Is this actually a thing?
Why not? Some people like any excuse for a celebration or a gathering. I haven't been to one but I've seen footage on insta snd facebook of aquantances doing it and they seem to have enjoyed it. Each to their own and all that.
Why put people down with comments like it's naff snd daft?
Let people enjoy their time how they want with without being a sneery ticket, there's no need.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 14:41

Pointless? What by responding to other posters?

Is the beer you can come up with by way of an insult too? Keep trying pet. Wink

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2019 14:46

Baby showers usually have the approval of the mum to be though

Who clearly appreciate the trouble their friends and family are going to.

Frazzledmum123 · 07/02/2019 15:04

I wouldn’t want my children to be anonymously slagging off another child’s party choices and I don’t see why adults should behave with any less decency.

This, it always amazes me that if someone posted about a child deliberately trying to upset another, laughing at them or making them feel bad about something people would be up in arms on here about how little tolerance they have for bullies, and rightly so. But grown women that you'd hope would actually know better? No that's fine, let's pick one comment that the OP made separate from the question she was posting about, and ridicule her because it's not what you'd do. I mean why? Literally what's the point other than to be a bitch

foffplease · 07/02/2019 15:11

@GreatDuckCookery why do you feel the need to be so judgemental and nasty... to a pregnant lady. Classy! For all you know the op could have struggled to get pregnant, had a loss. Why be so cruel about it?

Op ignore all the bitter folk on this thread. It's not up to your DF whether the baby's sex is a secret so he needs to grow up and get on with it. I'd be annoyed too at him being such a drama llama.

Toooldtocareanymore · 07/02/2019 15:19

totally agree with @Frazzled mum123,

OP I think your only mistake was even trying to go along with your DF, its up to him to cut himself off from the real world and social media and family if he doesn't want to hear your really great news.

As an aside I worked with a woman about 5 years ago, she had 3 girls got gender of 4th, husband wanted a boy and was thrilled to be told it was but all the hassle of getting new boy stuff, told everyone, anyway all happy for her and baby 4 arrives- yippee its a girl!! Oops, but we were still thrilled for her and blue really suits her as she was a little redhead

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 15:35

Cruel? By saying that gender reveals are naff?
Get a grip woman.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2019 15:47

Ach, any reason for a party, why not. Did you have one to announce the birth too? Do you get presents at every party?

Anyway, I think it's ok for your dad not to want to come to your gender reveal party or want to know. It can't be that big a deal really can it?

Bluelady · 07/02/2019 15:54

Totally agree @Bluntness but it's a heinous crime according to most of this thread. It seems that choice is only the prerogative of some people.

Frazzledmum123 · 07/02/2019 15:57

Yes @GreatDuckCookery if it is upsetting her which it clearly was, and when done by person after person after person when she didn't ask for opinions on it then yes it is cruel
You literally sound like the schoolground bully 'but it was funny/ we werent trying to upset her, its not my problem she didn't think so'.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2019 16:09

Hmm, there are all different sorts on here though, and many who dislike a party, any form of social gathering, particularly a wedding, and rue house guests and faint at the prospect of a night in the pub.

Fair enough, we are all different. So it kinda skews the answers.

I can't say gender reveals are my thing, but would I go, aye, I probably would.🤣

WTBE · 07/02/2019 16:19

Any excuse for a party is good for me, especially when its a happy couple, excited about their baby!

Unless your dad is pushing your baby out OP, ignore him. Some people just like to suck the slightest bit of happiness out of ya!

Wedgiecar58 · 07/02/2019 16:29

I would just accidentally "slip up" and reveal the gender now so you don't have to worry about keeping it from him. You already accommodated his request the first time.

Can I also just ask

what's everyone's beef with gender reveal parties?

I wouldn't have one personally (as I don't want to know the gender for my baby) but I don't get all the hate? Also with baby showers.

oldwhyno · 07/02/2019 16:42

I'm completely with your dad in not wanting to know the gender in advance. However it's your baby, your choice, and he should get over it.

FWIW on "gender reveal parties", they're not for me at all either. I'm not sure I can explain why but it just feels like a sign of people having their priorities wrong.

weleasewoderick22 · 07/02/2019 16:43

It seems to be acceptable on mn to hate gender reveals, baby showers etc. You're very brave putting it on AIBU op.
What a load of drama over something that'll become apparent in 9 months time Confused