Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 07/02/2019 16:50

OP in the nicest possible way, you're doing one of those AIBU's where you won't tolerate anyone who says YABU. Why post in AIBU?

Many find it OTT, grabby and distasteful. Get over it.

What a load of drama over something that'll become apparent in 9 months time - yes this.

Kennehora · 07/02/2019 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 17:03

Nicely put Kennehora.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2019 17:06

Gosh, that's quite venomous, personally my view is it's still a bunch of people having a good time together, who cares what the reason is.

GreenTulips · 07/02/2019 17:07

Your DF is an ass and you need to tell him that

Parents generally give up an awful lot to raise their children, it a selfless task

Her father asked in return for the babies sex to be kept from him. OP couldn’t even manage this one little request.

Further her father is probably embarrassed to attend a reveal party - so attention seeking - see PP comments - he’s probably ashamed of such behaviour

NeverTwerkNaked · 07/02/2019 17:11

It’s Sex, not Gender!

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_and_gender_distinction

At least a “sex reveal” party would be more linguistically accurate, albeit no one can be certain of the biological sex until baby finally pops out.

WellBHouse · 07/02/2019 17:35

Your DF is being a total arse and a diva. Does he normally have this much control over your life? Anything else like the if he says he doesn’t want to know, say “that’s nice, it’s a boy/girl”. He had his chance at parenting.

I actually think it’s nicer to find out during pregnancy ‘, it’s a surprise whenever it is! I’d totally do the small close family tea and gender reveal thing.

Ignore all the cunty posters. Do what ever celebrations you want. They’ll be the same people who did trick or treating with their kids when their parents didn’t with them and that was shocking. Things move in and I’m sure my grandkids will do different things. Traditions and family traditions are just bollocks. Live your own life.

MiddleAgeRage · 07/02/2019 17:39

Well clearly the real reason your dad is upset is because you are callously assigning your child a gender BEFORE it's born. I mean come on Grin

CreekyBeaky · 07/02/2019 17:57

I’m fully sympathetic. My MIL and FIL didn’t want to know the sex and I was really on edge every time I was around them trying to make sure I didn’t say “he” but “the baby” so I didn’t ruin it for them. We’re trying again now and I don’t give a shit who wants to know and who doesn’t this time around. It’s my pregnancy not theirs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2019 18:07

My mother was like this and I said that I wouldnt go out of my way to tell her the sex of the baby but I wouldnt be keeping it secret from anyone either.

As it was, the day after the scan DS1 and DD1 went running into mum and dads house shouting "We are having a baby sister!!!!!" :o

She didnt bother mentioning it with any of the others since!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/02/2019 18:09

I’m sorry op but your df needs to grow a pair and accept that it’s not his decision to make.

BlueJava · 07/02/2019 18:11

I'm sorry I think you're a bit of a drama llama. If you want a gender reveal party (not really sure what one is but guessing) then just have one. Don't bother with all the keep this a secret, don't tell DF. You're getting too involved in his dramas.

supermariossister · 07/02/2019 18:17

Is it just me that would tell him the wrong sex and then once the baby was born be like dah dah you still got your surprise 🤣

Congratulations op

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/02/2019 18:39

supemariossister I love that idea!

Personally I would go with “The thing is Dad - not everything is about you. This is one of those occasions when you’ve made your opinion known and I have considered it but you don’t get to have your own way. Because it’s not about you”

fusioluxe · 07/02/2019 18:40

supermariossister MIL went on and on and on about a name for my baby (and actually was quite rude telling me that she’d say if she thought it was a “stupid posh name” 🙄) thatbin the end DH told her the most ridiculous name he could think of that she would believe.

She did believe it and was horrified. We didn’t let on for ages.

expatmigrant · 07/02/2019 18:50

His behaviour is a bit unreasonable. However, I completely agree with him. Find the whole baby reveal thing a bit naff.

OhTheRoses · 07/02/2019 18:57

I think it's really sad you are depriving yourselves of the joy of finding out when the baby is born. It's such a shame you will never experience it.

The joy of knowing all is well should be enough. Some of us didn't have that for every pregnancy.

It's an anomoly scan principally. I tend to agree with your FIL. It's boy or girl according to genitalia.

SoyDora · 07/02/2019 19:08

I think it's really sad you are depriving yourselves of the joy of finding out when the baby is born. It's such a shame you will never experience it

WTAF? I’ve done it both way (didn’t find out with my first, did with second and third). Both equally as special, I felt the same joy at the birth of all my children (actually slightly more joy with second and third as easier labours).
I can’t imagine the birth of my child being any less special because I knew what it had between it’s legs Confused. How sad.

zippey · 07/02/2019 19:10

Dad needs to grow up and get a life.

Gender reveal parties are naff but that’s why people like them. Any excuse for a party or get together. It’s the same as engagement parties, weddings, wetting babies head, Ann summers parties, christenings, baby showers, birthday parties for adults etc etc

All naff, some expensively naff but people like a get together and knees up.

Palaver1 · 07/02/2019 20:11

Would hate for my father to be disrespected in this manner
OP is this how you see your father horrible words have been used to describe him

ElevenSmiles · 07/02/2019 20:26

I love a party.....but a bowl of stew and its he/she, no thanks... are gifts expected ?

Vicky1990 · 07/02/2019 21:23

I just do not get this wanting to know the sex of a child before its born.
What should be the greatest reveal of your life is spoiled by doing this, and a reveal party, ffs is this another American import.

Butterfly005 · 07/02/2019 22:22

I'm surprised you went to all that trouble to keep the reveal from him - especially the second time! Can't imagine why it's such a big deal to him but sounds like he's been very unreasonable about it.

Don't see the problem with a gender reveal party - it's a happy thing to celebrate Smile

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2019 00:37

I just do not get this wanting to know the sex of a child before its born.
What should be the greatest reveal of your life is spoiled by doing this

Why? Some people like to be prepared with the nursery and the clothes. Can clear out the girls' things because No 2 is a boy. Some like to prepare their children, who can get very fixed ideas of what their sibling will be. Some feel it brings them closer because they know who they're 'speaking' to when they talk to their baby before its born.

Who does it hurt? It's always a surprise at whatever stage and meeting your newborn is always a thrill even if you already know its sex. It's in no way 'spoiled'.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2019 01:04

When I was having my fifth child, I am certain finding out the sex was crucial to our relationship.

I have one son followed by three daughters. Number five was a surprise. I considered termination very briefly, but we went ahead with the pregnancy. I was certain that this child had to be (and would actually be) a girl. I had all the girls clothes ready to be re-used, my daughters wanted another sister, she would just slot in nicely. Except he was a he. I was genuinely devastated after the scan, it was just further proof that this child would fuck everything up.

However, by the time he was born I was ok. We bonded really well and are still close 13 years later. Had I not found out I would have fixated on it for the whole pregnancy and who knows how I would have felt, and whether I would have bonded as well as I did, as soon as I did?

Its not always just about getting a Call The Midwife moment.

Swipe left for the next trending thread