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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 20:01

Just a bit self absorbed OP. But if your FB don’t mind it’s all good I guess.

Newishhname · 06/02/2019 20:03

This is a good example of Mumsnet at its worst. People judging and making assumptions about OP because of her choice to have a gender reveal party- and she wasn't even asking for opinions on it. How nasty. It's just a bit of fun and a good excuse to celebrate, obviously not something everyone understands on here!

Op your df is being unreasonable but you have entertained him by keeping it from him. Don't entertain him anymore, it's your decision to make and he doesn't get a say in it. Congratulations btw Flowers

Boxerbinky · 06/02/2019 20:04

@Denise3011 I also had a gender / sex reveal. Small close family and a couple of friends present - it was a lovely moment and I'm really glad we chose to do it! The few people that we invited definitely did care, if people don't like them then they don't have to attend or watch them on social media.. push the block button I certainly don't care. No cake smash for us but we did have a newborn shoot so I'm sure we must also be going to poor taste hell Wink.. on the original point I think your dad is being a big precious tbh. Your baby your choice!

Kennehora · 06/02/2019 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squigglesworth · 06/02/2019 20:06

Haven't rtft, but feel confident in saying that your father's been ridiculous. Why should it matter so much when he found out? If he didn't want to know, I wouldn't purposely tell him, but neither would I bend over backwards to try to somehow "protect" him from the news.

I've never understood why people say they "want to be surprised" by the sex of the baby. Well, it's obviously going to be a surprise, no matter when you learn the sex. It's guaranteed to be a surprise! If expectant parents prefer to wait until delivery to have their "surprise", that's of course fine, but the wording ("we want to be surprised") strikes me as silly.

HollowTalk · 06/02/2019 20:09

You know what, I would rather find out on the day and I did that with my own children, but if my daughter or daughter in law found out in advance and wanted to have a party, then I would be there celebrating with them and keeping my opinions to myself. Tell your father to grow up - it's not about him.

BeekyChitch · 06/02/2019 20:14

I don't think your father is BU. He doesn't want to know so isn't coming which is absolutely fair enough.

My parents didn't want to know genders as they wanted a surprise so maybe it's the same for your DF? He might also think it's all got a bit mainstream now with gender reveals, big parties etc etc which is ok but maybe he doesn't want that in his life which is also ok.

twocats335 · 06/02/2019 20:14

Don't forget they could have got it wrong

This happened to a family member of mine. They'd had a gender reveal party too!

Alconleigh · 06/02/2019 20:21

God love you, as so many other PP have said, no one cares. Healthy baby? Yes. Sex? (Yes, not gender) really no.

Subtlecheese · 06/02/2019 20:24

Gender reveal is grabby and beyond tacky However your DF is bonkers too.

Good luck!

QueenieInFrance · 06/02/2019 20:31

I’m not sure why it is YOU who is making so much effort so that he doesn’t know about it.
As if him not knowing was YOUR responsibility. It isn’t.
If he doesn’t want to know, it’s up to HIM to tell people so and to ask them to keep quiet around him.

Same for apologising to people for asking them not to tell him etc.... again it’s not your responsibility if this is a pain for other people.

You know the sex of the baby (like I suspect a very majority of people on this thread - even when I had my dcs 15+ years ago, not knowing the sex of the baby was considered a very strange thing). You have shared the news with friends and family members. Nothing outrageous there.
Don’t make something that is quite normal abnormal looking.

Balaboosteh · 06/02/2019 20:35

Don’t understand why you’ve enabled his behaviour by asking people not to tell him etc. I suspect in there some kind of attention-seeking by proxy. He’s making a drama out of nothing but you are facilitating eat. And as for your friend who feels awful for letting the secret slip - ffs put her out of her misery. It’s absurd.

GirlFliesHome · 06/02/2019 20:36

Here's my take on parties of any sort.....Life is short and often difficult. Why not grab with both hands all the fun and joy you can, and share that fun and joy with people you love? I'm all for it.

Party away, OP.

Your dad sounds like a controlling twit though.

useyourimagination · 06/02/2019 20:43

I wouldn't try to keep it a secret - if he doesn't want to know then surely the obligation falls to him to stay away from anywhere he might find out, not you?

Maelstrop · 06/02/2019 20:43

Your dad’s being weird but then you should have told h8m not to be such a twat when you were first pregnant. He doesn’t get to dictate to you and make you have to scurry round with plain wrapped parcels for fear of him glimpsing some pink or blue accidentally. What a pain in the arse it must have been to keep it quiet. It’s not up to him, maybe the father of the child, but not the grandfather. He was ridiculous.

Boxerbinky · 06/02/2019 20:47

@GirlFliesHome YES!!!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2019 20:53

The irony of a bunch of people telling you it's your Pg therefore choice not his, then putting the boot in because you exercised your right to have a party they disapprove of!

Topseyt · 06/02/2019 21:05

I wouldn't have bothered getting anyone else to avoid telling your Dad. If he hears by accident then that is a risk he runs.

Mind you, I might be tempted to tell him that it was the opposite gender to the one I had been told I was expecting, just to wind him up. Probably not the best idea for family harmony, but tempting nonetheless.

MatildaTheGreat · 06/02/2019 21:08

I had to google cake smash Shock apparently it can cost £800. The bbc clip I watched mentioned MN reactions Grin

Topseyt · 06/02/2019 21:08

By the way, I'm not a party animal myself, but if that is your thing then go for it and enjoy it. No reason not to at all.

Youwhat123 · 06/02/2019 21:11

which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.

That was your mistake. It was nothing to do with him and you shouldn’t have pandered to him. He sounds like a bully.

Zuma76 · 06/02/2019 21:11

Blimey. What happened to the edict, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything! The OP didn’t ask for judgement on her decision to have a party. I’m a bit confused why so many think it’s ok to be so bitchy about her choice. Being kind is free you know.

WhenTheSkyFalls · 06/02/2019 21:15

My mil didn't want to know, we did and of course started saying she / he instead of it, there was no hiding it.
At the end of the day, it was OUR baby and OUR choice. Everyone else can suck eggs!

SummerGems · 06/02/2019 21:21

Gender reveal parties are beyond tacky but if that’s your thing then crack on.

However, I don’t believe that it would have been that much of a big deal to keep it from him. After all, you tel people what the gender is, they fane excitement and then get back to their lives. I don’t imagine for a second that everyone was discussing it on social media to the point of having to block him to stop him from finding out. Other people just aren’t that interested, even in someone else’s pregnancy to discuss it to the point of having to block people to prevent them being a part of it. So if you went to that lengths it appears that you were the one anxious to keep the attention on yourself even though it probably wasn’t warranted.

FWIW I’ve read that a lot of hospitals are now refusing to disclose the gender because there’s around a 25% chance of getting it wrong and people have sued them or have terminated pregnancies or wanted terminations if they wanted a different gender.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/02/2019 21:23

I don't think you should have pandered to him at all. He knows now anyway, drama over.

Your friend shouldn't feel awful, she's done you a favour. Your family are now free to discuss your baby's gender without having to indulge in silly subterfuge. If it were me I'd send her a thank you card!