Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 06/02/2019 21:29

Gender reveals aren’t my thing but if you’re wanting a baby shower then I would suggest combining them as it’s abit much having people going to two lots of parties although people might decline with it being you’re second child.

SpotlessMind · 06/02/2019 21:31

@squigglesworth. I completely agree - when I was pregnant and found out the sex a lot of people grumbled on about ‘spoiling the surprise’ - but, like you, I found it odd because it was still a surprise - there was a moment when I went from not knowing to knowing, and I don’t see how waiting until he was born for that moment would make it any more/less special. In fact when he was born I was surprised by lots of other things about him so nothing lost from my perspective.
People were oddly judgemental about it though and acted like I’d somehow cheated, like I’d opened my Christmas present early and spoiled it for everyone else!

OP, your dad is being odd about you finding out the sex, that’s your call entirely and it’s not your place to tip toe around him so he doesn’t find out. He’s not being weird in not attending the party, though I can see why it would be hurtful. As for reveal parties - if it makes you and your family happy then go for it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/02/2019 21:36

It's all a bit dramatic.

Gender reveal parties aren't for me so I wouldn't personally go to one, so I don't think he is being UR about that.

I wouldn't have blocked him on social media just so he wouldn't find out, if he finds out then he finds out (which he has done) and that's his lookout.

Gender reveals aren't really important to anyone else apart from the parents and maybe grandparents, all he would have had to do is stay off social media for a day or two.

FixItUpChappie · 06/02/2019 21:36

He's being ridiculous. I would ignore and tell him your not going to any effort for him to not know.....it's not even his surprise FFS - your the ones having the baby Confused My Dad would get pulled up on it.

Rememberyourhat · 06/02/2019 21:48

it's not even his surprise FFS

Yep. This.

BikingBeatrix · 06/02/2019 22:01

If he doesn’t want to be at the party, fair enough. The rest of it, like expecting everyone else to keep quiet about the sex of the, is him being a selfish dick. Tell him it’s your and husband’s - and then ignore him.

SummerStrong · 06/02/2019 22:29

DF sounds like an attention seeking diva Grin

Tink2007 · 06/02/2019 22:32

Why is everyone having a pop at the OP for having a gender reveal party? I don’t remember her asking for opinions on whether they are a great idea or naff.....

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 06/02/2019 22:33

It’s not about him. He needs to get over it. I don’t understand people who get annoyed that you’re not waiting for a surprise. It’s still a bloody surprise, just halfway through instead of at the end.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 07:00

Bet there’s a huge back story to all of this.

Bluesheep8 · 07/02/2019 07:23

I'd never heard of a gender reveal party until now. Each to their own but the only question I would ask is what if the information is wrong? / scan pic misinterpreted etc?

TheBigBangRocks · 07/02/2019 07:31

I thought the gender reveal cakes were awful but an actual party sounds awful. It's a baby, what else is it going to be? I wouldn't have gone either so don't blame him.

He's fine to not wat to know but can't expect others to keep it secret. He's was on a losing battle trying not to find out given parties etc are being held, social media etc.

Pregnancy seems to be years long with such activities. Nobody else cares in reality.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 07/02/2019 07:36

My FIL was like this, pissed me right off! I did snap at one point that 'this is mine and your son's baby so we make the decisions' then just carried on as normal. I certainly wasn't going out of my way tying myself in knots to accommodate someone who wasn't involved in making said baby!!

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2019 07:46

His desicion not to come to your party, but there's no way I'd go to any effort to hide the information from him. He is being unreasonable, and shouldn't be impacting your enjoyment of your pregnancy.

Handprints2018 · 07/02/2019 09:47

Congratulations.

Your father sounds like a drama queen. Stop tiptoeing around him. Tough tits if he finds out.

Im guessing this man is pandered to a lot by your family, hence his dramatics.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 07/02/2019 10:10

Congratulations!

FFS op was not asking for opinions on the party/casserole/way she informed the family. Bore off with the sanctimonious bollocks because it's irrelevant. This isn't about his not attending the party (which by itself would be a different issue), it's about him expecting EVERYONE to keep a secret because he wants a surprise, when frankly it has nothing at all to do with him whether the baby's parents and wider family find out. Going on about the party is just detracting from the actual issue, regardless of your feelings on them.

Op I don't understand why you're pandering to him. If he doesn't want to know what the sex is then why isn't he the one going around telling people of unfollowing/blocking on Facebook? Why on Earth are you doing it so that he can get his own way? Your have enough to deal with preparing for your new addition so why are you taking responsibility for his decision?

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 07/02/2019 10:51

Not sure why everyone's putting in their opinion about the gender reveal party, the OP didn't ask for opinions on that part and it's frankly downright rude!

I can totally understand why you're hurt by your dads actions. He should support your decision whatever you chose. Gosh, my Dad decided he wanted to go somewhere that I thought was totally horrendous for his 65th birthday recently, I wouldn't have chosen it and didn't particularly enjoy it, but I supported him as it was his choice and he wanted to go! Your dad should afford you the same support.

Congratulations on your news!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 10:56

You’re not sure why everyone is giving an opinion about a gender reveal party?

Really.

People give opinions on everything on MN, surely you know that?

Frazzledmum123 · 07/02/2019 11:55

I agree with @Strokethefurrywall, what do people actually get out of trying to make the OP feel trashy for doing things her way. Fair enough if she'd posted asking people's opinion on that, you have to expect some negative comments but she didn't. And the two aren't linked either, it's her dad ffs, no matter how naff he thought it was, he should want to be their for his daughter. Personally I declined a baby shower for my second and third baby as I feel it should be for first only if you even want one, but that didn't mean that when a friend invited me to hers, me and only a handful of others, mainly family, that I returned the invite with a 'Oh god how tacky and attention seeking you are' and refuse to attend, I mean seriously, what a bitchy thing to do/say.

I also disagree that others aren't interested in the gender because I am, if it's someone I care about. It's finding out a little bit more about the new little person you supposedly care about (and btw I didn't find out with my 3rd). At the end of the day the party is just an excuse to celebrate a long waited for child, if people can't see just a slimmer of positive in that no matter what your personal feelings on gender reveals then I find that sad .

And don't even get me started on the self righteous line of 'cake smashes are wrong when there are starving people' - I assume such people only ever eat to live, never have cake or wine or chocolate, you know food/drink that is purely consumed for enjoyment? With a cake smash the enjoyment is watching the child or the photos, with the pudding the enjoyment is purely the taste, it's still technically wasting food just getting different enjoyment from it. I did one myself, make a little cake for my daughter to eat herself. I didn't pay £100's of pounds for it but what people choose to spend their money on is their business. Some people may not like the pics I took but finally enough I didn't take it for them! Oh and dh and older kids are what was left of the cake anyway!

OP, back to the actually point of your thread, I think the only thing you did wrong was pander to him. I'd have just said 'good job it's not your decision then' and carried on talking about it how I wanted to. He sounds very childish and selfish trying to make this about him

PortiaFinis · 07/02/2019 13:11

OP congratulations on your baby!! That is wonderful!

Commiserations on your father being a dick (but hopefully he’s not always like it). If he sulks I would just tell him to suck it up and remind him it’s not his baby.

To everyone who is sneering about a mid-week casserole with family and friends and telling people the results of the anomaly scan along with the sex of the baby - get a bloody grip. It might not be your thing, and that’s totally your choice, but it is OP’s thing - and that’s her choice. Is your thing trying to denigrate other people’s choices and make them feel embarrassed and ashamed - because that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. Even anonymously on the internet.

BIgBagofJelly · 07/02/2019 13:27

It all sounds a bit dramatic. If he doesn't want to come to the gender reveal party he doesn't have to (lots of people find them cringy anyway). Blocking him on SM takes a second and asking people not to tell him isn't that hard or unusual either. I know a few people who had relations who didn't want to know until the big day. I would have gone that far since it would be no effort on my part and if he finds out accidentally oh well he'll have to suck it up.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2019 13:36

It’s not just a mid week casserole though is it, in the OP’s words it’s a gender reveal party. Maybe the dad agrees with the majority of the thread?

Fusioluxe · 07/02/2019 13:39

He’s making it about him. 🙄

My MIL was the same. With SIL’s last it ended up SIL knowing the sex but BIL (her DH) not knowing because he “couldn’t be trusted” and MIL didn’t want to know. I kid you not.

BIL was actually ok not knowing but it was weird with SIL knowing!

EhlanaOfElenia · 07/02/2019 13:41

Your DF is being an arse. Just keep telling him "not your baby, not your decision" and don't engage with him any further.

PortiaFinis · 07/02/2019 13:57

GreatDuck the OP refers to it as a ‘Little dinner to celebrate the news with friends and family’ or some such. This later transpired to be a mid-week casserole. She referred to it as a gender reveal using apostrophes, suggesting that it was an approximation of a gender reveal party. But even if it was a fuck off massive party with dress theme and games and everything, there is still no need to be unkind and call it trashy/grabby etc unless that was what she was asking for opinions on.

Well I don’t think there is anyway - I wouldn’t want my children to be anonymously slagging off another child’s party choices and I don’t see why adults should behave with any less decency.