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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
SophiaLovesSummer · 06/02/2019 17:01

I'm not one for the whole 'gender reveal party' thing but I respect other people's choices - it sounds like your DF is not respecting yours and that's his issue not yours.

Congrats on the new baby Flowers

Spidey66 · 06/02/2019 17:01

If it was me (which it ain't) I'd find out but tell nobody else.

Another who thinks gender reveal parties are vomit inducing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/02/2019 17:02

I'd just tell him and let him sulk. If this baby has been a while coming I can understand that you want to celebrate and not spend the next few months policing yourself and everyone else. Stop pandering to extra stress, relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster
Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 17:02

Thank you, I’m not entertaining those who think they are superior by calling our family celebration naff, tacky, etc.
As I said this baby is a long time coming and I won’t elaborate on that.
The entire family were absolutely thrilled I was expecting again, and the family were particularly excited to know the sex because we’ve got no one in the younger generation of one particular sex.
And yes “party” is too strong a word, we made food and invited people for tea - hardly pretentious! X

OP posts:
BeanTownNancy · 06/02/2019 17:03

Pff. We didn't need to be told the gender of our first; his balls were all over the screen. We were all sniggering long before the sonographer asked us if we wanted to know.

Your dad is being pathetic for making a fuss - I wouldn't care to go to a "gender" (sex) reveal party, but he was a dick to say no one could let him know the sex. I wouldn't have bent over backwards to accommodate his demands, personally. If he found out, he found out.

Redglitter · 06/02/2019 17:04

A celebration for discovering your babys gender. It just seems so self indulgent. Does anyone particularly care apart from the parents? By all means find out but why make a big thing of it

Original poster
Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 17:04

Thank you, I’m not entertaining those who think they are superior by calling our family celebration naff, tacky, etc.
As I said this baby is a long time coming and I won’t elaborate on that.
The entire family were absolutely thrilled I am expecting again, and the family were particularly excited to know the sex because we’ve got no one in the younger generation of one particular sex.
And yes “party” is too strong a word, we made food and invited people for tea - hardly pretentious! X

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 06/02/2019 17:04

My Father in law was like this when my sisterinlaw was expecting. She decided to find out, but he was adamant he didn't want to know, which led to months of stressful secret keeping for everybody else. I agree with him in that I personally think it's nicer to not find out, however, it's not his bloody baby, it's yours! It's your pregnancy to enjoy in the way YOU want to, which I'm sure doesn't involve lots of stressful secret keeping and stepping on egg shells whenever he's around. Tbh, I'd just tell him straight "Sorry dad, but we're having a (boy/girl), so now you know".

Youknowmedontyou · 06/02/2019 17:04

He knows it's done! Let him sulk if he wants!

And yes gender reveal parties are just so bad, I don't blame him for not coming to that. I wouldn't either.

Sirzy · 06/02/2019 17:04

Nope still pretentious

werideatdawn · 06/02/2019 17:07

Still super naff.
You all sound a bit high maintenance.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/02/2019 17:08

I think your mistake was in accepting his desire to be kept in the dark as valid. It isn't. It's not your responsibility to try and protect him from harmless information because he wants some kind of surprise.

So I think your DF IBVU and he is the one at fault here. But I also think your annoyance at things now is somewhat exacerbated because you didn't own your decision to find out initially and just tell him to suck it up (though probably not in those words!).

Bezalelle · 06/02/2019 17:09

You've been far too accommodating!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/02/2019 17:10

Your dad’s being a knob. He can stick his fingers in his ears and say “lalala” when the baby is being discussed. It’s not really his information to decide whether it is shared or not. Share your news op. Congratulations.

(P.s it’s sex Wink)

Notonthestairs · 06/02/2019 17:11

Its not his baby. He doesn't get to decide anything about your pregnancy.

BowBeau · 06/02/2019 17:12

My MIL was like this. SIL found out what she was having but MIL wanted it to be a surprise. So nobody else was allowed to know in case we accidentally spilled the beans. The baby’s uncles, aunts and cousins all wanted to know but couldn’t because MIL is such a fucking drama queen. She ruined the excitement for everyone.

When I got pregnant she didn’t want to know what I was having. Who does she think she is - it’s MY decision if I choose to reveal that info or not. I refused to pander to the stupid bitch for months on end so I purposely mentioned what I was having and pretended it was an accident.

YANBU to expect FIL to abide by your wishes regarding your baby.

Gazelda · 06/02/2019 17:12

He obviously feels strongly about this, so I can't understand why you were upset that he didn't come to the celebration.
And I'm afraid I can't understand why the first pregnancy was so so stressful and you found it so difficult to keep it secret with this one. Surely you could have said that you respect his choice but that people know the sex and you aren't responsible if he accidentally finds out?
I'm pleased for you that you're pregnant, as it seems you've been through a tough time. But don't let this be any more of a drama than it needs to be. He knows now, so there's nothing more to fret about.

MorningsEleven · 06/02/2019 17:12

He's an idiot. Don't let him stress you out, just tell him to bugge off.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 06/02/2019 17:12

Don't forget they could have got it wrong

CloserIAm2Fine · 06/02/2019 17:13

HIBU but you all shouldn’t have pandered to him the first time around. And by having a reveal party (which is ridiculous and tacky anyway) but then making it a huge deal that no one tells him, you’re both feeding into this ridiculous attention seeking loop.

BlueUggs · 06/02/2019 17:13

Why are you bending over backwards to ensure he doesn't find out?! Do you pamper to him in other areas of your life?

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 06/02/2019 17:14

He isn't unreasonable not to want to know, he is unreasonable to be angry that he found out accidentally

Nicecupofcoco · 06/02/2019 17:14

Congratulations on 2nd baby! SmileCelebrate how ever you like! With df, I'd just say, if you don't want to know that's OK, I won't tell you, but there are relatives that do want to know and we were happy to tell them, I can't promise you won't hear from somebody else, but you wont hear it from me! Then do t worry any more about it! Certainly don't tip toe around and be worrying about somebody telling him! Just enjoy it! SmileHe does need to respect your wishes! Good luck!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2019 17:14

It's not your job to control what your dad hears or doesn't hear. It's his job to place himself where he won't hear it.

The most I would do would be when sharing the news to say 'Dad doesn't want to know ahead of the birth' and shrug. I wouldn't 'lock down' my SM or 'warn' people not to tell him.

He's got too tight of a hold on you. Don't let him get away with his controlling what you do or who you tell this joyous news! Don't let him put a damper on this happy time!!!

5foot5 · 06/02/2019 17:15

Sorry I am just trying to visualise how you do a gender reveal.

I kind of imagine a mystery object at the end of the room covered in a cloth.

Everybody eats and drinks and then the moment comes...
There is a long drum roll. Or maybe you or your DH say "Our new baby will be...." followed by a lo-oong pause as practised on game shows.

Then the cloth is whipped away to reveal either a blue teddy or a pink teddy and everybody exclaims and claps.

Is that how its done?

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