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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you can fully trust your OH?

128 replies

willieverthinkofaname · 06/02/2019 15:48

Hi all, I know this title makes me sound a bit crazy but I like to think I have my head firmly screwed on to separate it from my heart. But please bear with...

I just want to know how you can actually fully trust someone. So many people on here are scorned by people they have always trusted/thought were faithful. No one really goes into a marriage thinking their OH will cheat yet the statistics of cheating are insanely high (60-70% I read somewhere).

Then it comes down to internet activity, you can do ANYTHING. I literally only use it for social media, mumsnet and wikipedia these days. But you read about all the things you can do it's so scary!

My OH has no reason to make me doubt him. He's always where he says he is, I've never seen anything on his phone, but I remember the possibility is out there. Especially with incognito browsers which my DP would know how to use and if he were going to cheat, understands all the internet crap to hide anything he's been on. I just think it's so hard to trust people in this society.

I know I sound so pessimistic but I feel so confused by life.

(FWIW this doesn't affect my DP, I don't snoop etc. but please not focus on anything to do with my relationship personally, I feel the same about other people's partners too and worry on behalf of them!)

OP posts:
Mookatron · 07/02/2019 21:31

I trust DH. I choose to. I know he can lie (about small things so far) and I'm aware he hasn't reached mid life crisis age yet. I love him. I'd be emotionally devastated if he left, but practically I'd be Ok because, while I trust him, I have made sure I would be. Wink

PengAly · 07/02/2019 21:32

@Alondonleerie i wasnt suggesting you called me foolish or stupid. It was a few other PPs who said that and it seemed like a common theme on this thread of posters who felt similar to you said those who trust are foolish. I was speaking about the attitude on the thread generally. But i dont think people who trust 100% should be made to feel like its wrong just because others have been let down

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 21:40

And it must be a sad world if you dont know ONE SINGLE PERSON who hasnt been let down? Really?

Yeah, you got me there. I was writing about my friendship group, I should have been more specific. But the number of things I've heard since finding out my dp cheated makes me think there's a lot I just don't know about.

Funny that i know more who HAVNT been let down. Suppose people with shared experiences gravitate towards each other
Funny that. As I said, I found out a lot of cases after I'd found out about my own dp. Maybe this is the case for you. You are so happy with your dp noone would confide in you.

As to mocking or patronising you, I couldn't give two hoots about your personal opinion. I stated mine, which was at odds with yours. I certainly didn't mock or patronize. Sorry if you thought I did, but that's your interpretation, not my intent.

ComeOnGordon · 07/02/2019 21:42

@Alondonleerie - no no no I meant I wish I could “like” your posts like I do to posts on Facebook. I agree with what you said 100%

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/02/2019 21:45

I trust my dh completely. He never ever gives me reason to doubt him. But I’ll never blindly trust anyone again (been cheated on several times). So although I do trust him, I would never ever take that for granted and like to think I’ve got my eyes open

ComeOnGordon · 07/02/2019 21:46

@PenAly - I’m not misdirecting my anger at you or calling you a fool or stupid. I called myself a fool. I’m just saying I trusted my ex 100% - never the type to cheat. I said those words out loud to people and would probably have written them on this forum 5 years ago. But I was a fool and I’d never say them again about a future partner

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 21:47

Haha, thanks @ComeOnGordon, I still get a bit triggered by stuff like this!

TakemebacktoClifton · 07/02/2019 21:48

My ex was a pathological liar and a cheater. It made trusting new boyfriends quite difficult but I trust my OH completely. He is very transparent about what he's up to, leaves his phone lying around and I know his passcode. I don't snoop because I don't feel the need to. I didn't have this level of transparency with my ex.

PengAly · 07/02/2019 21:58

@Alondonleerie
Maybe this is the case for you. You are so happy with your dp noone would confide in you.

Thats very harsh and i dont think ive been rude enough to deserve that. Of course my close friends and family would confide in me with their problems! I just said i know MORE people who havnt had issues than have. I do know people who been cheated on but they luckily dont go around telling every happy couple that they shouldnt trust each other...

You say you didnt mock? You basically told me i shouldnt trust my husband because you know people who have been let down. That logic makes no sense. If someone was in a car crash would it make sense for them the advice everyone against driving because people get in car crashes? I know this is an extream comparison but i couldnt think of anything else.

ComeOnGordon · 07/02/2019 22:01

No but if I was in a car crash I would be telling people not to think there’s no chance of them crashing when they drive their car

PengAly · 07/02/2019 22:21

@ComeOnGordon of so it wasnt the best example for me to have used. A car crash can be at the fault of a complete stranger. Whereas a long term partner is someone i know really well and wouldnt have a single reason to doubt them, if i had a reason to doubt them i wouldnt be with them. So my example was poor as a car crash has a higher and different risk than infidelity

Yesicancancan · 07/02/2019 22:27

Yes I do. I choose to because I couldn’t live with sensations of suspicion. He would not get a second chance because if my trust and faith in him was a mistake. It would still be a mistake after any infidelity.

Aroundtheworldandback · 07/02/2019 22:46

I was cheated on for seven years, my ex h led a double life. I am now remarried. I trust dh 100%,
and it is not naivety.

I remember when we were dating, even though he was divorcing because his wife cheated on him he refused to sleep with me till his decree absolute came through as he wanted to do the right thing. We’re just happy to have found eachother and want to live in peace!

PengAly · 07/02/2019 22:51

@Aroundtheworldandback
I was cheated on for seven years, my ex h led a double life. I am now remarried. I trust dh 100%,
and it is not naivety

Thank you for saying this. If you, who has been cheating on trusts 100% it helps make us fortunate people not look naive for also trusting!

Alondonleerie · 08/02/2019 22:56

@PengAly no matter what I say (and I've already said I didn't mock you etc) you seem intent on believing that I did. As you originally said it was the tone of the whole thread, I have no idea why you are singing me out as the recipient of your ire, apart from the fact that I quoted part of your post to illustrate my comment. It might surprise you to know that this is a standard practice, and not a direct and personal attack on you or your beliefs specifically.

It seems you are intent on finding offense in everything I say, but I know for a fact that in some situations, an unhappy person may be less likely to confide something in someone that they see as happy in a similar set up, because they don't want to upset/worry them etc. Many, many ppl do not tell others if their dp has been unfaithful! There is plenty of stats/info around about this, as well as personal experiences on the Surviving Infidelity website, for example. So you cannot assume that noone you know does not have this in their past.

I am a bit disturbed that you are taking each of my comments as a personal affront, when I have neither mocked nor belittled you, and have taken the time out to explain again. It is making you look unreasonable and argumentative. I shall not be engaging with you again (no doubt you have managed to find offense in this post somewhere, and will be back to tell me how I am again mocking, being harsh, etc). Take it up with all the others on the thread who have the same opinion as me - they're being just as harsh. Have fun!

Crockof · 08/02/2019 23:29

I don't worry in a Hagrid kinda way, "what's coming will come and we will deal with it when it does" I can't change what others may choose to do. I trust my dh as I have not been shown otherwise but I don't think that anyone can be trusted implicitly.

Amibeingnaive · 09/02/2019 02:44

My marriage is the product of an affair. DH was married, I was engaged.

I trust him. Many people would call me a fool, but actually he's not a promiscuous philanderer - he's slept with two women, both of whom he's married. If it's a numbers game, I'm the risk, not him.

Also, I don't think he's more likely to cheat because of the way our relationship began. I know I haven't and won't cheat on him - why would I assume was any less trustworthy.

All that aside, whether you trust your partner or not, if they're minded to shag someone else, no amount of worrying about it is going to prevent it. So what's the point? I suppose you could keep them under house arrest, but I don't think I'd be much happier being married to a thwarted adulterer as an actual one.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/02/2019 03:04

I think "Nobody gets married thinking the other will cheat" is false. There are plenty of posts on the relationships board from women (and a few men) who stayed with, had children with, moved in with or married partners they have already caught cheating (even if just "messaging" other people).

I also think you can trust that your partner won't cheat while still knowing that they theoretically could. It's never bad advice to keep up your friendships, just in case.

Auntiepatricia · 09/02/2019 07:30

Some people are completely blindsided but plenty of people actively choose someone that is not a great man for a variety of reasons. There are loads of women who marry men that people around them know is a bad idea.

givemesteel · 09/02/2019 07:55

I trust my dh as the odds are that he wouldn't cheat, he has a strong moral compass, and apart from anything else he would hate what everyone else thought of him if he did.

But would someone else turn his head? Yes definitely, I'm sure he would be tempted, but I think would conclude the fallout wouldn't be worth it.

Could he fall head over heels with someone else who would be worth sacrificing his family for? It's possible but in that scenario there's nothing lcan do about it, no point in worrying about it.

Spudlet · 09/02/2019 08:06

Some relatives were in a head-on collision a while ago. Totally out of the blue, lives lost and other lives changed hugely. The ripples of pain and hurt have been massive. Other driver cut a corner and that was it - they were in the wrong place at the wrong time and it's like a bomb has gone off in their lives. It could happen to any of us, at any time.

So yes, you can spend your life driving yourself mad with the what-ifs and buts, then something totally random like that can happen and it's over... and what have you gained with all that worry? Has it made you happier? Stronger? Healthier? No.

If you love someone and trust them, (and for me I couldn't love without trust so the two are intertwined) part of that is taking a leap of faith and choosing to believe in them. Yes, you might get burned. But equally, you might not. You can't control that either way. So you can either choose to worry about the what ifs or live for the day... and I choose the latter, myself. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/02/2019 14:29

I was cheated on several times when younger and the anxiety drove me mad. When I met dh I told him right from the start that I had zero tolerance for cheaters so if he ever felt he wanted to be with someone else, I would let him go with no fuss, no begging and no looking back.
I will not go there again.
His life is far too cosy to risk it and he is far too lazy to change.
I have never had to worry about him having a mistress as he would lose everything and he knows it.

Alondonleerie · 12/02/2019 07:34

if they're minded to shag someone else, no amount of worrying about it is going to prevent it. So what's the point? I suppose you could keep them under house arrest

Maybe, but I'd prefer a partner who would admit this to me first instead of going behind my back, thus giving me the choice to leave. So I guess I'm more worried about them lying to me and taking that choice away, if that makes sense.

Original poster
willieverthinkofaname · 14/02/2019 11:10

And I'm back, sorry I disappeared!

OK, so this is interesting. I was hoping something someone would say would make me miraculously believe people but unfortunately not.

The thing is though, someone leaving their phone laying around and their password known means NOTHING these days. My point was inferred in original post but I'll explain more. Your partner may have secret ways of using their phone you can't access, so whilst you open their phone knowing their password and look at it, you may not know they've hidden an app, hidden notifications, or good old used the 'private' safari bit which leaves no trail...

Also I have no idea about everything, the 'button/folder' and second version of whatsapp someone mentioned means nothing to me, how does that happen???

I have full access to DPs phone, regularly use it to compose texts to our mutuals, his mum when he isn't sure how to tell her to F off etc. but he has used incognito before and I found out by accident (he had accidentally screenshot him using it) and it was to access something he knew would irritate me but not something that is bad IFYSIM.

But this means he could have used incognito for ANYTHING without my knowledge.

I have access to my DPs location (find friends, also most my friends are on there), we share all bank accounts (I'm his accountant) and he has not even a penny unaccounted for, he can't get cashback at a supermarket etc (I have all receipts...his accountant again), is always where he says he is. However, doesn't mean he's not online chatting to someone or having an affair at work...

Whilst I genuinely don't think he is doing these things, I just don't know. When I think about it it makes me sick and worry. I am a very anxious person. I was badly hurt in my previous relationship and knew exDP had cheated with someone we worked with but BOTH of them played with my mind, made me doubt everything and I think to this day I carry that. I won't ever not carry that.

I feel uncomfortable knowing someone could hurt me.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/02/2019 11:22

I don't think you can ever be 100% certain that your partner will never betray you. You can't ever get inside their heads and know what they're really thinking. You just have to try and let go of the fear though. Enjoy your time together. I used to be so worried and paranoid about this but in the end I thought "Well, if it happens it happens. No point stressing about it in advance".