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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you can fully trust your OH?

128 replies

willieverthinkofaname · 06/02/2019 15:48

Hi all, I know this title makes me sound a bit crazy but I like to think I have my head firmly screwed on to separate it from my heart. But please bear with...

I just want to know how you can actually fully trust someone. So many people on here are scorned by people they have always trusted/thought were faithful. No one really goes into a marriage thinking their OH will cheat yet the statistics of cheating are insanely high (60-70% I read somewhere).

Then it comes down to internet activity, you can do ANYTHING. I literally only use it for social media, mumsnet and wikipedia these days. But you read about all the things you can do it's so scary!

My OH has no reason to make me doubt him. He's always where he says he is, I've never seen anything on his phone, but I remember the possibility is out there. Especially with incognito browsers which my DP would know how to use and if he were going to cheat, understands all the internet crap to hide anything he's been on. I just think it's so hard to trust people in this society.

I know I sound so pessimistic but I feel so confused by life.

(FWIW this doesn't affect my DP, I don't snoop etc. but please not focus on anything to do with my relationship personally, I feel the same about other people's partners too and worry on behalf of them!)

OP posts:
SubparOwl · 06/02/2019 18:03

Not sure you can ever trust anyone 100%, or that you should.

DorindaLestrange · 06/02/2019 18:26

Because he's a very straightforward person and tells the truth to people even if it's not what they want to hear.

Also because on the rare occasions he tries to wind me up, his lying skills are so crap that he might as well be waving a big I'M LYING flag in the air while he does it.

Also because I've realised I'm actually quite good at knowing who to trust. Nobody I've truly trusted has ever let me down.

Does that mean he will 100% never cheat on me or mess me around? No. But it's close enough. And let's not forget that there are risks involved in not trusting people as well. It would be a poor, closed-off, overstressed, lonely life if we never really trusted anyone.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 06/02/2019 18:26

You are ok if your OH is in the navy or a woodchopper.

Grin
Racecardriver · 06/02/2019 18:29

I don’t the the internet makes a difference. Infidelity has been common for millennia. The best you can do is choose an honourable partner and set clear boundaries. Then you just have to hope for the best.

Racecardriver · 06/02/2019 18:30

Putting effort into your marriage is obviously important too.

Chickenwing · 06/02/2019 18:31

I just know that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Experience has taught me to trust, I've never had to worry in the 10 years we have been together as he has never given me reason to. I just never even think about it, I wouldn't be with someone if I had doubts as what's the point in always worrying? If DP is ever to break my trust I will worry about it then :)

Pinkcottonshirt · 06/02/2019 18:36

I trusted my ex completely. Then he broke my heart.

I spent time on my own, learning about heartbreak and bravery and vulnerability and all sorts.

I trust my DP as much as I can. Some days I’m better than others. I just think, what’s the alternative? To live my life full of suspicion and mistrust? Whether I trust him or not, makes little difference to whether he betrays me or not. So I might as well live with an open heart and trust.

DrCoconut · 06/02/2019 18:43

I thought I could trust my husband. He let me and our children down in the most spectacular way. He's about to become my ex husband rather than my estranged husband. I think though once you are beyond initial meeting where caution is advisable, and in a relationship you have to trust someone unless they have given you a reason not to. Otherwise you will go crazy second guessing everything.

ImNotKitten · 06/02/2019 18:48

I agree with you OP. The internet does make it so easy. You can connect with people from the comfort of your own home with almost zero effort on there. Opportunity is rife on there, whereas offline you’d need to put a bit more effort and planning into it. The same with being so easily contactable by mobiles etc.

I don’t think there is a solution though and you could just tie yourself in knots worrying about something that might never happen. It is worrying though.

CountessVonBoobs · 06/02/2019 18:51

I mean, you can't know. But you also can't live your life paranoid and cringing, waiting for the blow to fall. If DH screws me over, that will suck and I will hate it. But he will also be showing that he's not and never was the man I thought he was. So I'm not going to waste my time trying to control him. Either he's worthy of me and of my trust, or I don't want him anyway.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 06/02/2019 19:02

I think it's difficult to trust anyone these days especially as all the social media apps are making it easier to be sneaky and lie. Why do we need a secret messaging facility, fingerprint ID to read a WhatsApp message or even a way to run a second secret version of apps on your phone? It infuriates me and makes me struggle to trust anyone.

I've caught out all my ex partners eventually doing something they shouldn't - whether that be texting the ex or trying to cheat. I'm wary of my new partner even though I know he's a good person - I wish I wasn't so suspicious but I can't help it. I'm not on Facebook etc so they could be talking to anyone behind my back and I've been taken advantage of one too many times.

ComeOnGordon · 06/02/2019 19:12

I was one of those woman who had no reason to not trust her husband. We were together for 18 years, he didn’t have a huge social life and I encouraged him to go out on nights out to get out there a bit. He was reliable and fairly boring and I never contemplated not trusting him.

And you can guess where this is going...he had an affair behind my back with someone from work for 18 months before I found out.
Our marriage was over the second I found out and it’s now 18 months down the line and I will find it very hard to trust anyone ever again.

There isn’t a type of person who is a cheater - anyone can be one and this worries me for my future. Thankfully I’m no where near dating again at the moment - happy just trusting myself

Cath2907 · 06/02/2019 19:17

Would you cheat on your husband? If the answer is "absolutely not" and you genuinely mean it then I can't see how you can't believe that he would feel the same way. Am just about finishing divorcing mine and I am 100% confident he didn't cheat and wouldn't have even though our marriage was rocky at the end. I didn't cheat on him nor would I have. We are both too basically open and honest. I never even noticed men who might or might not have been eligible.... I was married and therefore just not at all open to the idea of anything else.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 06/02/2019 19:27

I find it hard to trust myself let alone anyone else. Affects a lot of relationships and friendships

Cheekylittlenumber · 06/02/2019 19:29

I was on a train the other day and could see this guy going into the setting ‘button/folder’ if his phone, swipe right twice to his Whatapp app and then continue explicit conversation with what clearly was another woman.

People can be so sneaky, and it really upset me. Especially as I recently found out my own dad had been having affairs with various women during their marriage.

But I think it really depends. If the inclination and opportunity align it will happen. The person will want to do it. All you can do is trust they don’t.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 06/02/2019 19:33

@ComeOnGordon you're right about there being no 'type'. my ex husband was boring, very 'safe' and the last person I'd think would cheat. Yet one day I borrowed his tablet to browse the internet, found some apps on there and had a look out of curiosity. Turns out he'd been posting on the internet begging for 'a fuck buddy to cheat on the wife with'. Plus he'd been posting pics of his dick online - he had to apply to google to have them taken down, the stupid bastard. He'd also been wanking off to strangers on videocam.

Sadly this has destroyed my faith in men which was then made worse by the next two serious relationships lying to me and trying to get back with their exes.
Staying single might have been my best option :(

TowelNumber42 · 06/02/2019 19:34

I don't think about it.

Except in that I always make sure I would not be completely fucked if we had to break up for some reason. My life isn't built 100% around us as a couple. I could imagine life as a single parent. I doubt that will ever have to happen, I don't want it, but the idea doesn't terrify me.

Buddytheelf85 · 06/02/2019 19:35

I have trust issues and I struggled to trust my DH (then my boyfriend) for years and years. I think it was unresolved issues from childhood. And it made me absolutely miserable. I’ve now learnt to trust him and I’ve never been happier.

I am aware he could let me down. I agree you can never trust anyone 100%. But I think I’d rather have trusted him and been happy until he let me down than spent my life being miserable and paranoid waiting for him to let me down.

ID81241 · 06/02/2019 19:35

I trust my husband completely he hasn't shown me any signs not to trust him yet. While my heart trusts him, my head tells me to continue my career, and not become fully dependent on him, because society shows that many women have trusted their husband fully and made bad financial choices on the back of that.

It's not something I worry about though so it doesn't affect out relationship day to day- I just know that I trust him fully but plan my future for the worst.

ComeOnGordon · 06/02/2019 19:36

@whatamidoing I’m sorry it happened to you too 😢 there’s some right bastards out there

CherryPavlova · 06/02/2019 19:44

I trust my husband entirely. I always knew he would be kind, honourable, honest, loyal, faithful, reliable and an excexcellent provider for our family.
We discussed our values and expectations before marriage. We saw how each other behaved towards others. We understand each other and complete each other. We would never knowingly hurt each other. We made our wedding vows knowing that we would uphold them until death.
It’s quite simple really.

donajimena · 06/02/2019 19:48

My prev partner cheated on me but I don't worry that my current partner will. He might but I can't spend my life worrying about it.

mamaduckbone · 06/02/2019 19:49

My dh suffers from severe anxiety. The one and only perk that this offers is that he’d be too bloody petrified to cheat on me. He’d have a panic attack if he so much as looked at another woman. Grin
(I’m not being glib, honestly, but it is true.)

FlagFish · 06/02/2019 20:01

I agree the poster who said you can't be 100% sure of anything. You might get eaten by a shark but that doesn't stop you swimming in the sea, does it? If you always worry about the worst happening in future you will ruin the present!

zozozoo · 06/02/2019 20:10

Always thought that cheating was the one thing my DH wouldn't do. Well he did.

Have an idea of what you would do if the worst happened wrt housing, money, friends, emotional support, work, childcare.

Always keep an escape fund, just in case.

Once you have the above sorted/are committed to developing, you should feel better and more confident that you're in a position of wanting him rather than needing him.