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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you can fully trust your OH?

128 replies

willieverthinkofaname · 06/02/2019 15:48

Hi all, I know this title makes me sound a bit crazy but I like to think I have my head firmly screwed on to separate it from my heart. But please bear with...

I just want to know how you can actually fully trust someone. So many people on here are scorned by people they have always trusted/thought were faithful. No one really goes into a marriage thinking their OH will cheat yet the statistics of cheating are insanely high (60-70% I read somewhere).

Then it comes down to internet activity, you can do ANYTHING. I literally only use it for social media, mumsnet and wikipedia these days. But you read about all the things you can do it's so scary!

My OH has no reason to make me doubt him. He's always where he says he is, I've never seen anything on his phone, but I remember the possibility is out there. Especially with incognito browsers which my DP would know how to use and if he were going to cheat, understands all the internet crap to hide anything he's been on. I just think it's so hard to trust people in this society.

I know I sound so pessimistic but I feel so confused by life.

(FWIW this doesn't affect my DP, I don't snoop etc. but please not focus on anything to do with my relationship personally, I feel the same about other people's partners too and worry on behalf of them!)

OP posts:
SparkiePolastri · 06/02/2019 20:11

Worrying constantly that your partner might cheat isn't some kind of insurance that means it won't happen.

If someone's going to cheat, they'll cheat, regardless if whether you've wasted years worrying about it.

Who can be bothered, frankly? Surely most of us have better things to do with our time.

CoastalLife · 06/02/2019 20:20

I've seen all sorts of people cheat. People who I never thought would be capable. My 'D'F who would never, ever lie if you asked a question - to the point where he was too honest sometimes - guess what? Started shagging someone else and suddenly it was a piece of piss to lie to my mum's face.

I have the same view as everyone else really. It would be incredibly naïve to think that you can trust anyone 100% because you can't see inside their mind. Besides, I bet lots of cheats surprise themselves and even they don't think they're capable of it until it happens. BUT you will drive yourself crazy if you dwell on this and you risk it becoming a self fulfilling prophecy whereby your partner feels as though they are under constant suspicion and are not trusted, they become unhappy and they end up looking for solace elsewhere. Not justified at all, but still something that happens.

Try not to focus on it and look for the good. You have to find that sweet spot between being naïve and being suspicious.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 06/02/2019 20:26

You can't know every thought that goes through your partner's head and if they're inclined to cheat then they'll cheat. It isn't something I have control over so it isn't something I think about. My partner has never given me any reason to think about it.

And we aren't completely open, we're both private people who don't share access to devices, banking etc.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 06/02/2019 20:31

Several of my friends are cheating or have cheated. They're all very different people with very different relationships. I don't for a second think their partners would have been in relationships with them if they thought they'd be cheating.

Auntiepatricia · 07/02/2019 04:29

I know one person who for sure wouldn’t cheat.

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 04:33

You can't. Just look at the vast number of ppl who thought their dp would never cheat. Then found out they had. And I include myself in that statistic.

HoneyWheeler · 07/02/2019 04:52

I trust him because I don't want to live my life in doubt - he travels a lot for work and so could easily cheat if he wanted to. I rarely think about it seriously. Worrying about him cheating won't make the pain any less if it did happen, it just robs me of happiness in my marriage today

Love51 · 07/02/2019 07:28

I find 'not cheating' a strangely low bar for trust. I trusted my husband when I went through a serious mental illness, I found it really hard to make sensible decisions about whether to work, who to tell, treatment etc. I trusted him to advise me as he knew me best and had my interests first. Likewise now, we make decisions about the kids etc, we trust each other to be coming from a position of love for each other (and the kids) first and foremost. Not cheating is a bit legalistic. Trust goes beyond that.

PBo83 · 07/02/2019 14:27

Very interesting topic. Of course, in an ideal world we'd all like to say we trust our partner 100%, but, in order to do this, we have to honestly think whether we trust ourselves 100%.

I'll start by saying this: I have never, in all my life, cheated on anyone whilst in a relationship (actually, I may have kissed another girl when I was 19...many moons ago). I have absolutely no intention of ever cheating on my wife and do consider myself an honest person. I can't, however, say that I trust myself completely or that I am 100% trustworthy.

Why?

  • Because I lie. I don't ever lie about anything important but may say I've had 3 pints when I've actually had 5 or say that I've already done a job my wife had asked me to when in fact I'd forgotten about it entirely (and subsequently scuttle off and do it quickly!).

Obviously these things are innocuous and nobody is harmed by them but it's still falling short of 100% honest and I could reasonably guess that a lot of people are like this.

  • Trustworthiness, certainly from a fidelity perspective, is incredibly straightforward...until it is tested. Now before I get strung up, I refer you to my second paragraph. I have never cheated and never intend to, I have, however got closer than I'd like. I met an old female friend on a night out years ago (in a relationship at the time). She was an ex of a friend of mine and, despite being infatuated with her for years, this had stopped me from 'making a move'. We ended up dancing together (as in, on the dancefloor near each other, not together-together) and, to cut an already long story short, I did find us getting closer and we ending up locking eyes.

Now that doesn't sound too significant but, for a brief moment, my brain was running at 100mph. Nothing happened and I left and went home very shortly after. Can I say, with 100% honesty, that if this scenario were to repeat itself again I'd do the same thing? I'd like to think so but the honest answer would have to be no.

  • Whilst I have never cheated, I have been the other man on more occasions that I'm proud of (although one would be more than I was proud of). Obviously this isn't ME cheating but the fact that I was able to be 'the other man' and really feel a significant lack of guilt means that maybe, underneath it all, I don't value monogamy as much as I think I do, or should (or maybe I'm just a bit of a cock).

I appreciate I have basically just made myself the potential target of hate comments and possibly rendered my MumsNet membership untenable but I believe, if you're going to have an opinion, you have to be honest about the basis of it.

So, in conclusion, no, I don't think you can ever trust anyone 100% (not even yourself). BUT, as one of the first posters said, you really have to 'park' it. I trust my wife and she trusts me and that's enough, start thinking about it too much and you can drive yourself mad. If I give her reason to distrust me, I'll be out on my ear (and vice versa) and I would never intent to risk losing her.

PengAly · 07/02/2019 15:20

I haven't read the whole thread but I'll give you my perspective....

To be completely blunt I wouldn't have married my DH if I didn't 100% trust him. Seriously. Never for a split second have I ever had any reason to think he would do something dishonest. Never once has the thought occurred to me after we became seriously involved with each other. I think when you are with someone you just know you can trust them iyswim? At least that how it is for me. In my opinion if you cant fully ever trust the person you share a life with than there is something wrong. Of course this is JUST my opinion.

PengAly · 07/02/2019 15:30

Oh and also, we both know each phone passwords, share finances ect. He is even happy for me to check a text message he gets if he is unable to (such as while he is driving and I'm in the passenger seat). and Vice versa

Siennabear · 07/02/2019 15:36

If you don’t trust then what sort of relationship is that? You should have faith in people especially someone you have chosen to share your life with. I really don’t get this. Maybe it says more about you than them?

PengAly · 07/02/2019 15:45

If you don’t trust then what sort of relationship is that? You should have faith in people especially someone you have chosen to share your life with.

Exactly. Why am I a fool because I trust my husband, who I plan on spending my entire life with 100%? Surly the fools are those who share their life with someone but never really trust them?

Crustaceans · 07/02/2019 16:01

Surely this is just what trust is. You can’t absolutely know that someone will choose to remain faithful to you, but you put your trust in them. And you have faith that they won’t prove you wrong. It wouldn’t require trust at all if you could be absolutely certain.

If they’re giving you reasons to doubt that trust, then there are problems in the relationship. Similarly, if you find yourself paranoid with no cause, then you would need to address this.

ComeOnGordon · 07/02/2019 16:28

@Pengaly if you had read the thread you would have read examples (mine included) of trusting a partner 100%.....until he cheated. I never once distrusted him (we had a great life together, family, regular sex)until near the very end when he started becoming suspicious. I’m now kicking myself for being such a trusting fool & will never ever be so trusting again.

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 20:51

I think when you are with someone you just know you can trust them iyswim?

Was just going to address this but saw you got there first ComeOnGordon. Comments like this piss me off no end. Of course I wouldn't have got together with dp if I thought he was going to cheat! Ffs. Not knowing any better, I trusted him from the start, yet was proved to be a naive fool much later.

In my opinion if you cant fully ever trust the person you share a life with than there is something wrong
Yes, and the something wrong is that a lot of ppl are not trustworthy. Which is not the fault of the person who put their trust in them.

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 20:53

Oh, and in that group of untrustworthy ppl, I would place all those skanks who knowingly have sex/relationships with ppl who they know already have partners.

ComeOnGordon · 07/02/2019 20:57

Wish I could like your posts @Alondonleerie

Chesneyhawkes1 · 07/02/2019 21:04

I blindly trusted my ex. Never questioned it when he was off out, where he was, with who etc etc.

Wouldn't have dreamed of checking his fb, phone or email.

Never again will I be so stupid as to trust anyone 100%.

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 21:12

@ComeOnGordon pardon? Is that a subtle way of telling me you find my posts offensive?

PengAly · 07/02/2019 21:13

@ComeOnGordon and @Alondonleerie Im sorry that you have had your trust and hearts broken by partners who cheated on you but it makes no logical sense to tell other people (like me) that because it has happened to you that it might happen to me. You could put that logic to anything! So i shouldnt trust my DH? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they cant trust each other? Of course you cant predict what they will do but after the years of being with my DH i know his values and honestly i have no reason not to trust him.

I am sorry for your experiences but i feel you are misdirecting you anger at me.

PengAly · 07/02/2019 21:19

I think what @Crustaceans says articulates it well. Why would anyone go into a relationship assuming their partner may cheat? I appreciate that people are using their experiences of trusting someone and it backfiring but why should my positive experience of trusting be belittled and called "foolish" and "stupid"?

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 21:20

Peng, with all due respect, the q was how can you fully trust your dp, or similar. Before the experience, I did. Afterwards, I knew a couldn't. And many many ppl have spoken about being a the same position. Not just on this thread. So our opinion is that you can't trust anyone 100%, based on experience. That's it.
And as we did trust previously and were proved wrong, it makes sense that perhaps the only answer is that you can trust someone until they prove you or someone else wrong, unfortunately, lies go hand in hand with untrustworthiness, so you just might not know. Trust 100% if you like, but I do not know one single person who has not been let down in some way by their male partner, in the area of trust and relations with other ppl.

PengAly · 07/02/2019 21:27

@Alondonleerie but my opinion is just as valid based on my experiences but nobody is calling your opinion stupid or foolish like mine is being called.
Trust 100% if you like, but I do not know one single person who has not been let down in some way by their male partner,

There is no need for you to mock or be patronising about my feelings of trust. Why single out male partners? And it must be a sad world if you dont know ONE SINGLE PERSON who hasnt been let down? Really? Funny that i know more who HAVNT been let down. Suppose people with shared experiences gravitate towards each other.

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 21:28

@ComeOnGordon apologies if that's not you meant :). Last time I called the ow a skank I got blasted - one would think mine was the worse care! And I don't see why I should show any solidarity with or tolerance to someone who behaves like that, just because she's female.
@PengAly I didn't call you stupid or foolish. I called myself a fool. But I'm pretty sure that's allowed...