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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you can fully trust your OH?

128 replies

willieverthinkofaname · 06/02/2019 15:48

Hi all, I know this title makes me sound a bit crazy but I like to think I have my head firmly screwed on to separate it from my heart. But please bear with...

I just want to know how you can actually fully trust someone. So many people on here are scorned by people they have always trusted/thought were faithful. No one really goes into a marriage thinking their OH will cheat yet the statistics of cheating are insanely high (60-70% I read somewhere).

Then it comes down to internet activity, you can do ANYTHING. I literally only use it for social media, mumsnet and wikipedia these days. But you read about all the things you can do it's so scary!

My OH has no reason to make me doubt him. He's always where he says he is, I've never seen anything on his phone, but I remember the possibility is out there. Especially with incognito browsers which my DP would know how to use and if he were going to cheat, understands all the internet crap to hide anything he's been on. I just think it's so hard to trust people in this society.

I know I sound so pessimistic but I feel so confused by life.

(FWIW this doesn't affect my DP, I don't snoop etc. but please not focus on anything to do with my relationship personally, I feel the same about other people's partners too and worry on behalf of them!)

OP posts:
PrismGuile · 06/02/2019 16:27

Because if I didn't I'd drive myself mad.

User383673 · 06/02/2019 16:28

Because I’ve known my DH for a long time and he has never once behaved in a way that has given me even a second of doubt about his integrity and his loyalty. I know he could cheat, but because of who he is as a person, I know he never would. Just like I know I never would.

Last2Know · 06/02/2019 16:29

It shouldn't really be at the forefront of your mind and if it is, you may have trust issues.

I personally think you should trust someone until you have a reason not to.

I trust my DP but I'm also not naive enough to think they would never stray. I just hope I am good at picking up the red flags!

PrismGuile · 06/02/2019 16:30

And because he trusts me despite the fact that at the beginning of our relationship I did cheat on him... (which he knows about)

Macandcheese05 · 06/02/2019 16:30

I don’t believe you can. My father cheated throughout my DMs pregnancy and then left when I was 6. He resurfaced when I was around 16 but, while no bad feelings, I didn’t need him or want to risk the hurt. However that taught me never to trust anyone 100%. If you can leave your own child then you can leave someone you’re not blood linked to.

I have a DH and I don’t think he would stray, however who knows. Same for me. But I never think about it. I’m grateful for now. We have kids and own a home and I appreciate that now. If it ends tomorrow then the new chapter will begin.suppose it’s like an illness. May happen but I don’t think about it and will deal with it if it happens.

MyBreadIsEggy · 06/02/2019 16:30

Simple: he’s never given me a reason not to trust him.
Neither of us hide anything from each other in the sense that we have a shared computer, know each others phone passwords, have a joint bank account etc.
I’ve never felt the need to go snooping through DH’s phone, so the fact that I know his password is more for using his phone to quickly google something when I don’t have mine to hand.
He’s also a shit liar! He can’t even tell a little white lie about how much he’s spent on a nerdy model kit without his face giving it away that he’s lying!
We’ve both made it perfectly clear to each other that if either of us cheated (in any form) then our marriage would effectively be over. We’ve both got too much to lose. We trust each other implicitly

whereisthebloodypostman · 06/02/2019 16:34

You never know anyone as well as you think you do, but you can choose to hope and believe that they won't hurt you in that way.

Going through phones breeds more anxiety than it soothes, you'll always find something that will niggle at you - an unknown number. A female friend on snapchat. Whatever. Just don't do it. Worrying about the problem before it happens is pointless.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 06/02/2019 16:37

I trust dh as much as I can trust another person but I'm 38 and been around the block,including a previous marriage so I'm very aware that you have to work at relationships hard to make them work.MN doesn't help either with all the relationship horror stories Gin

OopsInamechangedagain · 06/02/2019 16:55

I trust my DH as much as I'd be able to trust any partner because his general personality and pattern of behaviour would fit the profile of someone who isn't likely to cheat. But he like anyone else is a fallible human being and I've given him the heads up that I absolutely would not give him/us a second chance if he strayed. Having said that I don't get the sense that he's only being faithful because of that threat! Everything else he does indicates that he values me as a person and our relationship together which is enough to reassure me for now.

Auntiepatricia · 06/02/2019 16:59

In general yes, you have to park these thoughts. If your partner has never let you down then it’s fair to trust them.

Having said that there are sooooo many people that shouldn’t be trusted and the partner is totally blind to it. Others can see it. But I don’t know how you figure out if you’re one of those situations. Maybe listen to what friends and family have to say about your partner.

FiveRedBricks · 06/02/2019 17:02

You cant. You can only have faith they wont. I'm pretty confident in saying at least one member of every relationship will have their head turned sometime in the life of their relationship though. Those who feel otherwise have theirs in the sand... life isn't a Disney movie and shit happens and you either work through it or move on. If your whole happiness depends on someone not snogging someone else at the christmas party or tbh even a drunken shag then you need to find more substance in your own life imo. We're not supposed to be into lifelong monogamy.

UbbesPonytail · 06/02/2019 17:04

I trust DH as much as I would any person I’m close to. He’s made some daft choices over the past ten years but I still trust him to do the right thing now.

I try to look at it as if he cheats, he cheats. I know I’m more than happy on my own. I can’t make his choices for him and if he decides to throw it all away, that will be 100% on him. I know I’d never do it and I think that helps too, the knowledge that it’s possible to be happily monogamous because I’m living it.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 17:04

If you trust someone 100% you’re foolish IMO.

I do think worrying about what you can’t control is the path to a miserable life.

recrudescence · 06/02/2019 17:08

My motto is “trust but verify” and for this reason I have my husband followed for one day every month by a private detective. Expensive, yes but what price peace of mind?

EmeraldShamrock · 06/02/2019 17:09

I am pretty sure I trust my other half 100%. Human nature is what it is, you can never say you'll never hurt him or vice versa, but no one knows. I know DP is happy here, I am too but you never know.
It is one of those things you deal with if it happens.

mummyhaschangedhername · 06/02/2019 17:13

I trust my husband fully, unless he gave me reason not to. Which he never has.

It's hopeless honest, couldn't lie to save his life so I don't think it would be possible for him to lie to me.

JasperKarat · 06/02/2019 17:16

Why worry about it, if someone is going to cheat they will, you can't stop it, no point giving it head space. Often it's paranoia and jealousy that impact a relationship and the more you think what if the more it'll affect your behaviour in the relationship but will also stop you enjoying what you have.

Ethel80 · 06/02/2019 17:16

I trust him more than I've trusted any other man I've been with. Because he's honest, because he's loyal and he loves me. He's also not a bloke who really goes out much or socialises with women other than my friends.
I've seen him get chatted up and he was like a rabbit in headlights, it was hilarious.

So I'm as confident as I can be that he won't cheat but I don't know that he never would, no-one does.

I do know that if he was to cheat it would probably be a relationship and not a one night stand, he's far more likely to fall for someone that to have a random shag.

I spent many relationships terrified that they'd cheat on me or leave me and most did tbf but not with him.

Being brutally honest, if anyone is going to be a twat and fuck things up, it's far more likely to be me.

JasperKarat · 06/02/2019 17:20

I would say I do trust DH though, I've known him since we were children and have seen him in other relationships, he's never cheated, he has other flaws but he finds deceit very difficult. He has always been a serial monogamist even when young and single he wasn't good at playing the field and in times past before we were together I've told him when a girl was flirting with him, he's pretty clueless

dayswithaY · 06/02/2019 17:44

There are no guarantees in life. You can never really know anyone. People can surprise themselves even. That's what I always keep in mind and I've been cheated on, betrayed, let down by some of the most decent people you can imagine. They are still decent people, but weak. That's just human frailty. I still prefer to be optimistic, be vulnerable, because the opposite is to live your life in a closed off distrustful way and I don't want to be that person. As long as I have my health and my kids, I'll always be ok.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/02/2019 17:47

I too 'park' any thoughts of infidelity. I assume DH does too.

Love us a bit like religion: it's a matter of faith. If you can't trust your OH then you won't trust them, no matter what their behaviour.

So yes, I choose to be blind to any possibility. That's how you stay sane in a long term relationship.

Im not sure that's quite what I meant, I hope it makes sense though.

Weirdlookingbricks · 06/02/2019 17:53

You can't trust 100% but that's okay because it applies across the board. It makes sense to build a solid life for yourself - financial and social - and build your own self confidence so that if the worst happens you'll be ok. Prepare then don't be worrying about it.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 06/02/2019 17:58

That’s what trust is though isn’t it? There are no guarantees, you don’t control your partner. They have the ability and right to behave badly if they choose, but you believe they won’t, based on your assessment of their character and ethics. Being wrong about that is incredibly hurtful (been there) but each relationship is a new assessment. I trust my DP, loving him gives him the capacity to hurt me immensely, I just trust he won’t.

cantbeb0thered · 06/02/2019 18:02

I 100% trust my husband and he is in the navy.

How do I know?

He was in tbe navy for 10 years before I met him and I was tbe only military person he ever hooked up with. 100% confirmed by his close friends. He was painfully shy when we met and he didn't really know how to flirt with me or how to pursue me. We just sort of stumbled through it.

The effort it would take to cheat - he is still really shy. I just don't think he would look st a woman and think 'I'm going to try and get off with her'
He is incredibly loyal and just a good guy.
He never viewed nights out as an opportunity to pull. Just liked hanging out with his mates.
I have been in be navy for 11 years and I can just tell. I have only got it wrong a few times and I was surprised.
I have a friend at work who is male and we have spent drunken nights away with work and have always gone back to our rooms separately. We get on really well but I don't cheat and neither does he. He is a wood chopper and my husband is a wood chopper.

There are some men where it may be hard to tell if they are cheaters or wood chopper but some it is easy.

ltk · 06/02/2019 18:02

You can never know for certain what another person will or won't do, but you make a judgement call based on what you observe of their character and actions. I think DH is trustworthy. That doesn't mean he will never lie or cheat, just that I reckon he's a good bet not to. And if he does, I have a job/friends/family/resources that will hopefully see me through.