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NICU staff being judgemental.
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NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP's posts:
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Skittlesss · 10/02/2019 10:18

TAke IN NOT IT

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Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 12:47

Oh Stormy how nasty and awful, I hope that you lodged a complaint against them. Really some HCP seem to thrive on power and control, and really should not be in tge caring profession. As a baby who was born prematurely years ago, I have no clue if my parents were tgere are not, wasen't aware of that bit of my life!

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HoppingPavlova · 10/02/2019 12:51

Just because he had an “excuse” (for want of a better word) doesn’t mean that the observation should be removed.
Also the comment re being quiet. She probably was. I should imagine a lot of mums in her situation were quiet. It is a very scary and daunting time with a lot to take it.


Precisely. My DH came once a week after being there daily for the initial week. On a few occasions when we were told they would probably not make it through the day he also came in, but in the main it was once a week. He was working in a bit of a unique situation at the time that I don’t want to detail (identifying), 12hr days, 6 days a week, travel time was an hour drive each way to hospital and a toddler that wanted to spend some time with dad each day. We had no issue with it. It was recorded that he visited once a week and what’s more that he was often falling asleep when there (he did find it difficult to stay awake when sitting beside a sleeping baby for a few hours). This is true, what’s the issue with it being recorded? Who cares about the reasons behind it, what way the wind was blowing or who had what for breakfast ffs, they were the facts. It was a situation that we were satisfied with and obviously the hospital had no issue with given there was no intervention in this regard. No big deal.

Buster , not everyone thinks like you. While I can relate not everyone can and there is no right or wrong. My child was operated on very soon after birth. I had a Polaroid from when they were immediately whisked away. Op took several hours. Afterwards the surgeon came to say it was finished and have a chat. At the end I asked how long until we can see them (his large op team was still settling them into the NICU). He was baffled. Absolutely baffled. He said he had given enough morphine so that they would be completely out to it, would keep this up for several days then all being well start reducing it, so maybe come in next Wed, he’ll be taking care of them and he’ll let you know if something goes wrong meanwhile. I said something along the lines of needing to see them and he responded, ‘okay, they don’t need to see you though, completely bombed off their face and will have absolutely no idea you’re there’. He wasn’t on his first day but was an extremely experienced senior surgeon. So goes to show, everyone is different. Very differentGrin. Obviously I didn’t sit at home for over a week occasionally glancing at the Polaroid but went in daily at that point but he honestly would have thought it completely normal if I didHmm. I must admit though having to sit and ‘chat’ with the nurse was exhausting in itself and a chore most of the time. We started with one on one intensive care so there were the two of us sitting there opposite each other for the duration and you do feel the need to make conversation in that situation.

OP, it seems from later posts as though you need some assistance to function properly. That’s expected and completely normal. I understand you are angry as you believe there was medical negligence. No one here can comment on whether that’s the case or not, it requires a medico-legal determination and it seems you are going through this process. What seems to be missing though is you addressing your mental health.

No one goes through NICU with a seriously ill baby and comes out the same. Just doesn’t happen. If someone does then they are probably not normal. In the main, people do need assistance. Even if someone has a baby who is not in a life threatening situation they are surrounded by babies who are and the harsh reality is that a lot of them die. At the point I was in NICU with my baby I had worked in A&E for over 10 years, had been exposed to pretty much everything and had told more people than I could remember that their loved ones, including children, had passed away. Even so, I needed medication after NICU. This was really considered to be completely normal. So I would urge you to discuss your situation, thoughts and feelings with your GP and ask for their assistance.

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Stormy76 · 10/02/2019 13:47

I didn’t take it further afterwards, my parents wanted me to but I was shell shocked by the whole experience and needed medication to help for 18 months and again after my second. I would now not have accepted that kind of treatment but I was young and naive at the time. I do feel that OP has the right to question what’s in her notes because it does seem unfair. Her DH was working long hours and they had another child who needs a lot of support. Her baby won’t be affected at all by the fact that he wasn’t there, Mum was going to visit regularly. I couldn’t spend more than 2 hours a day with my second because I wasn’t up to it, but, as the PICU nurse told me, he was being cared for 24/7. It’s not nice actually sitting beside a cot in PICU, feeling completely useless and at times listening to very distressed parents spending time with their baby who is dying. It’s extremely hard on the parents and perhaps her DH couldn’t cope with that feeling so that’s why he couldn’t go more than once a week.

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