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NICU staff being judgemental.
704

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

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Schuyler · 08/02/2019 21:45

@Edthebear what was the point of that comment if you have not read the thread?!

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PinaColada1 · 08/02/2019 21:51

I’ve had two children in NICU, and tbh I don’t think what they’ve written in your notes is that bad. It is a concern that a parent onky visited once a week, and any unusual behavior like your quietness would be noted. I think that is okay because if it helps one family where, say the woman is suffering DV and another health visitor or GP also noticed signs, then I’d rather someone had an eye out.

They do an amazing job really don’t they? They save our babies.

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EdtheBear · 08/02/2019 21:57

Because i wasn't wasting time reading 26 pages when nothing seemed to change from page 2 -26

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Schuyler · 08/02/2019 22:04

@Edthebear Firstly, if things are such a waste of your time, this isn’t mandatory. Secondly, the OP’s posts can be highlighted.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 22:05

Bluntness I couldn’t give a flying fuck if you believe if I’m legally or medically qualified. Iv seen you on numerous threads and your attitude is very off. You’ve told me I’ve derailed the thread but what you really mean iv disagreed with you.

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Yabbers · 08/02/2019 22:11

For the sake of my blood pressure, I couldn’t RTFT

Most parents would be there all day everyday or at least take it in turns.
Ever had a baby In NNICU? Or visited one? Worked with premier parents? Most parents most definitely do not. Oh I’m sure most parents who have never been there think they would spend the entire day staring at their baby in a plastic box, but beyond the first week or so, most do not. Those who do are often gently encouraged not to do so as bedside at a NNICU is not a comfortable place to be and for your own mental health, taking a break from it is vital.

Having been through it and gone on to work with preemie parents, those who couldn’t tear themselves away are those who had a far harder time dealing with the situation and recovering from it mentally once they were home. So, those who wear your “I was there all the time” as a badge of pride, don’t think that makes you any better than a parent who chooses not to do so. I do find those parents tend to have had a MUCH shorter (and easier) stay.

So yes I think it is logical to note the low level of visiting
What the OP did was not a “low level of visiting”

Everybody deals with these things the way that suits their family. I went every day but we took a weekend away after about 4 weeks for an awards ceremony my husband was attending. I told staff about it and they positively encouraged us to go. DH was there most days but there were some he just couldn’t make it due to work. Nobody batted an eyelid.

OP, you did what you thought best at the time. It worked for you both and that is what matters. The staff noting a perceived problem is just what they have to do. Forget it and move on. Don’t raise a complaint, it’s not worth the stress and hassle and won’t achieve anything.

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Crunchymum · 08/02/2019 22:19

With all due respect OP, you've mentioned the money not coming directly from maternity budgets, but it still ultimately comes from the NHS doesn't it?

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Magicmonster · 08/02/2019 22:40

When my child was in NICU they made notes of exactly when parents were there and not there for all babies. It sounds like you were there much more than some OP

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 23:05

I'll concede Yabbers we were only in 13 weeks so not long but largely those of us who have said they were there every day bar food and sleep have conceded it was a first child so totally different. Its not the same as having a child and especially a young, disabled child, at home. However whilst OP visited regularly I think the point most people have been surprised about is Dad visiting once a week. Are you seriously saying you encourage parents to visit that little?

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lyralalala · 09/02/2019 01:02

@mummylife2018 Omg! Was she disciplined? X

No she wasn’t. She got told off by another and I meant to complain officially, but I didn’t have it in me at the time.

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HelenaDove · 09/02/2019 01:29

"after having a full 7hrs sleep) " Confused


he would only get that if he curled up in a sleeping bag in the doorway of his workplace after finishing his shift.

When i did 5pm to 3 am shifts i didnt go to bed the minute i got home you know Just like someone who works 9am to 5.30 pm doesnt go to bed the minute they get in and curl up with their hot water bottle at 7 pm. I unwound by watching telly for a bit with a hot drink then bed. People who work nights/shifts arent some strange subset of human. They need just the same as those working days just with the hours switched around. I did split shifts in the job i had too I know what its like.

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HelenaDove · 09/02/2019 01:32

I remember the idiot who thought i didnt need a lunch break because i worked nights There is a lot of it about.

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BusterGonad · 09/02/2019 01:39

Omg, I'm being sarcastic. Some people need to lighten up a little. I couldn't give a toss of your judgement of me.

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BusterGonad · 09/02/2019 01:54

Bluntness asking imiss if they are drunk. Legend! 😂

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spinabifidamom · 09/02/2019 02:01

I’m sorry to hear that. DS and DD were in the NICU for several days after they were born. My focus was on my other children at home. Did you tell them or not? Remember that NICU staff are very busy. My advice is to forget about the past and enjoy your family. Seriously. Maybe you should talk to a therapist or counsellor. They can help you cope with your feelings.

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Imissgmichael · 09/02/2019 14:42

Crunchymum if the NHS is negligent and that negligence caused harm they should definitely pay and are legally obliged to.

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Nighttimenope · 09/02/2019 15:04

People- the op is not suing (if she does sue) because of these notes. The notes are a concern to her only in regard to the continuation of her traumatic birth experience and care, which she has been clear was due to medical negligence/mistakes. Stop guilt tripping her about ‘nhs funding.’ If the nhs is grossly negligent, it needs to pay the price. It is not the civilian victim’s duty to protect the nhs funding. If the nhs loses money in suing processes, it’s the nhs’s loss of its own funding through staff incompetence.

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Nighttimenope · 09/02/2019 15:15

@BusterGonad- that’s just it. That’s irrelevant if you don’t give a toss, the whole thread was started by someone who has been through trauma and was upset by ill-informed judgements on her family during that time. Piling on the judgement and telling people to ‘lighten up’ just shows the point of the thread just shot right over your head.

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BusterGonad · 09/02/2019 17:48

Night do you know what, I've got my own shit to deal with in life, if the Op is happy with her partners lackluster visiting hours then fair play to her. She's got a keeper for sure!

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BusterGonad · 09/02/2019 18:06

He's a keeper for sure I mean! Best wishes to them both x

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NicuProblem · 09/02/2019 18:21

I wasn't going to reply but how fucking rude Buster. I don't know why you're enjoying insultingmy husband just because he handled things in a way that you personally wouldn't do. It's very immature, grow up.

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zzzaaaccc1 · 09/02/2019 18:24

My son was on NICU 5 years ago and he stayed 8 weeks we lived over an hour away from the hospital with 0 family in a 200 mile radius. One NICU nurse was noting in the notes we hadn't arrived by 11am I had a Dr appointment as I was still very unwell from the delivery. Another day another noted how we were quiet. It stayed with me I felt judged and 5 years on it still in my mind. I'd like to say even if they were noting for PND it didn't work as I had PND and not one professional picked it up.
OP when your in the ailen world of NICU you do the best you can for you and your family you did that your OH may have only visited once a week but he was providing for his family. Sending 💐 xx

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BusterGonad · 09/02/2019 18:27

Op I think I'm old enough as it is thank you! We all have different levels of what we think is right and wrong and if you are worried and insecure about yours do not post it AIBU.

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Raspberry88 · 09/02/2019 18:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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Youknowmedontyou · 09/02/2019 18:52

@BusterGonad you're really not showing yourself in a good light on here, is there a reason that you feel you're a better mother than others on here?

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