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NICU staff being judgemental.
704

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

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Lizzie48 · 08/02/2019 17:50

If they thought you were a bad Mum they'd have social services involved.

This. They were just noting how much time you both spent there, I doubt if they meant it in as negative way as you think.

But then, as an adoptive parent, I'm used to my parenting being under the microscope. It was like that during the initial placement before the adoption was completed, and now, with DD1 about to start therapy, it will be again.

Observations don't necessarily mean criticisms.

I'm sorry you've been through what you have, OP, sounds like you had a really hard time. My DSis had her first baby at 32 weeks following an emergency C section because she had pre-Enclampsia and nearly died. She wasn't in a fit state to look after DNiece for some time and her DH lived an hour away and had a DS to think about, and work.

DNiece is now 9 years old, highly gifted and has a special bond with both her parents.

Please don't take the criticisms from PPs on here to heart, this is AIBU and there are always some posters who love to stick the boot in. Thanks

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Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 18:25

Thanks Sloth, for me when mine was in the unit it was both the best and worst time of my life, me and my husband would've moved heaven and earth to get there. That's way I find it so hard to understand. But yes, I'm a judgmental bitch by the sounds of it. Oh well. If the cap fits!

I'm glad you acknowledge what you are, you really are as you describe.... I wouldn't of gone for a pub lunch, that type of thing wouldn't interest me as a reason to leave my child. I would've accepted my DH working and my spending time with my disabled child though. But we're all different.

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BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 18:29

It takes all sorts to make a world Youknow.

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Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 18:30

@BusterGonad and a bit of empathy helps as well! Try it!

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BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 18:37

I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be! I'm as cold ice. I don't know the meaning of the word.

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Skittlesss · 08/02/2019 19:04

I think you really need to see a counsellor to talk this through.

Also, stop reading the notes and dwelling on the comments. You know what kind of parent you are and you know what you’ve been through. Stop beating yourself up about it.

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 19:11

they actually asked about the parents circumstances so the notes weren’t just a bitch fest. there's nothing in what OP has said they wrote that is bitchy. They might not have quantified it to the extent OP would like but noting a Dad is their rarely and Mum is quiet isn't bitchy, it's accurate because a few hours one day a week is rarely

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NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 19:14

I wouldn't say once a week is rare. It's regular visiting. It's not as if he turned up randomly he was there at the very least once a week and sometimes more if he had less shifts that week and was there more often when she was first born.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 19:22

Going on a pub lunch with a child in NiCU? Awful.

I wouldn’t do that. I would however expect a partner or my lself to carry on working to keep a roof over our head.

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 19:23

NICU the point is, at this point, it really makes no difference. You and he were happy with his visits. He has a good relationship with the kids. Your issues with the hospital in terms of legal action have nothing to do with a few random thoughts from the NICU staff. 4 hours once z week is around 2% - whether you consider that dare or regular is open to interpretation but it's done and you don't doubt that decision yourself.

I will reiterate previous comments to look into therapy to work through it all

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BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 19:29

Imiss are you for real, lol, where is my husband suppose to work on a Sunday with all the schools in the area closed? Ha ha. You are so funny. Would a lunch in a cafe had been better? Is it the fact that pubs sale alcohol that is so shocking for you? Don't worry I was straight home within 4 hours to express! You are a joker.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 19:37

Nope Sleeping your wrong. The OP has every right to sue the hospital for the negligence that has caused avoidable harm (the birth).

She has every right to complain about the incompetence of the NUCU staff for making irrelevant and out of context remarks which has caused her distress. Adding this to her negligence case will strengthen her case as to how crap the hospital is and perhaps will make the NICU be more professional.

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Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 19:44

@BusterGonad so it was a Sunday your husband wasn't working and could've spent by definition a lot longer with your baby and he chose a pub lunch? You're kidding right?

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FalldereedilIdo · 08/02/2019 19:52

OP I think you’re seeing judgement where there was only concern. It’s just something they have to be aware of; like a child presenting with certain types of injuries, paediatricians will always consider the question of abuse - they know 95% of the time there’s a totally innocent reason, but they don’t want to miss the 5%. I find that reassuring not insulting. I think if you try to reframe how you have read their comments you will be able to see it’s not a judgement, just a routine observation.

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 19:54

The OP has every right to sue the hospital for the negligence that has caused avoidable harm (the birth) where have I said she hasn't?

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 19:58

incompetence of the NUCU staff for making irrelevant and out of context remarks which has caused her distress
They aren't irrelevant - a pattern of a disengaged and unsupportive father / partner would be a cause for concern, so thry make relevant notes on issues thry are concerned about. Nothing further came of it and thry note she has family support because after seeing them for longer they decided there wasn't a concern / Dad is engaged etc. It's their job to consider the welfare of their patient. And they aren't out of context. How engaged the babies parents are is a significant part of the picture when considering discharge.

None of that has anything to do with a totally different team of people who let NICU and her child down. Yeah the doctors s rewed up, my daughter has these lifetime issues and the NICU had the audacity to comment on my husband visiting for z few hours once a week. Theast bit is irrelevant to the delivery team screwing up.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 20:02

Oh dear Buster we seemed to have hit a sore point. HaHa,

Your husband shouldn’t have gone to work at all, based on the comments on here, he certainly shouldn’t have been in the pub on his day off. Lazy uncaring negligent father.

You seem to have comprehension problems. Perhaps your DP, if he can tear himself away from his pub lunch on his weekend off rather then spending 24/7 with his child, can expalain to you that some parents have a hard life.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 20:08

Sleeping I’m a qualified nurse who’s worked on SCBU and im also a qualified lawyer who had dealt with medical neg cases. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

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Raspberry88 · 08/02/2019 20:09

Oh dear Buster we seemed to have hit a sore point. HaHa

Yep, happy to give it out but can't take it!!!

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Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 20:11

Op, I'm sorry you've been through such a harrowing time. Obviously myself and no one else here knows what happened at the birth, that is causing you to sue but I'd urge you to remember two things.

You were there due to necessity an after noon or morning a day, and not at nights, which means those staff were the ones who cared for your daughter 75 percent of the time, to make her able to come home to you

The nhs is cash strapped, and any money you take out of it, is treatment or support someone will not get, if it's really not about the money, I'd look at a way to get an investigation started, raise a formal complaint, and drop trying to take money from them if that's not your objective.

On the flip side, looking at what they wrote , which seems like no more than short notes, and your reaction. And the words you are using, about them sneering at you, thinking you're crap parents etc, sounds very extreme.

You say you're sitting crying. I think I would urge you to speak to your doctor as you may have depression.

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Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 20:17

Op, the other thing I'd add, is I hope you're using a proper solicitor, and will hire a barrister for any court case. And are not using a no win no fee outfit. If you are, and I'm sure you're not, then check the contract very very carefully. Many of these have some small print in there which is there is no fee for x work but other work is chargeable, and people have often been left with huge bills. Sadly they are not what they say on the tin in many instances. 💐

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FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 08/02/2019 20:23

I wouldn't say once a week is rare. It's regular visiting.

One day a week is incredibly rare to visit your child in hospital (would be more normal for a grandchild or nephew or niece). There may well have been reasons he may have been desperate to come but had to prioritise other issues etc etc but it's definitely unusually rare. It's natural it will be picked up on because they will have seen hundreds of parents in similar situations and almost all of them will have visited much, much more often.

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FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 08/02/2019 20:25

I do think it sounds like you have depression - you've been through a massive ordeal and you're under huge stress. I think you're misdirecting your anger towards the people who have been caring for your child. I would definitely second the advice to speak to your GP about getting counselling.

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 20:26

You still haven't told me where I've stated NICU has no right to sue the hospital.

And how is a visiting log for one parent who visits a few hours a day and one parent who visits for a few hours a week irrelevant? Surely as a nurse you'd be concerned if a young patients parents seemed to hardly be there? If one of them one there for just a few hours a week, if the Mum seemed withdrawn? If the Mum seemed disinterested in doing the baby's cares and feeds? None of that would give you any concern that she might be depressed, not coping, suffering from PND or PTSD after what was a hugely traumatic delivery?

And yes we know from OP the reason all those things happened but OP has in no way indicated that any of that was shared with the nurses. If they refused to pay any heed to how the parents were coping surely that would be failing in their duty of care to their actual patient.

I don't know if you're in adults or paediatrics but I find it rather worrying that you wouldn't care how a parent was interacting with their poorly child

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Settlersofcatan · 08/02/2019 20:28

Once a week visits from your DP is really bizarre.

I have RTFT and it is clear he could have visited more often without sacrificing sleep or his job. He was working 3pm to 1am. Plenty of time to fit in a full night's sleep and a visit.

I find it bizarrw that you keep asking why he would bother visiting if you were taking care of her. Because it is normal for parents to want to see their children? Because they love them? It seems so bloody obvious to me, I can't even understand the question.

I get that you didn't see your dad much and it sounds like the norm around you is dads who aren't very involved but the NICU notes show you that it's not that normal for a dad to visit so little.

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