Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

NICU staff being judgemental.
704

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 16:41

It also mean you won't have bonded with the baby and won't have begun to take on some of it's care
Firstly, OP was there every day. She's clearly stated there's no issue about her love or connection with her child.

Secondly, what about the bond and connection between adoptive parents and their children? It isn't like if you're not there 24/7 from the moment of their birth you'll just be a bit indifferent to the screaming thing and lock it in a cupboard

Please
or
to access all these features

Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 16:42

I suppose we are all different, with different views on life, different circumstances etc...

Obviously, but don't let that stop you judging others....

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 16:44

Yep, I won't!

Please
or
to access all these features

Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 16:46

If it's difficult for you and your husband to get to the hospital it is concerning though because in the future you might need to take your preemie baby to hospital appointments. It suggests you have very difficult circumstances and very little external support which is of course a worry which they are very correct to point out.

OP has explained that OH at that time was in a temporary zero contract hours job, situation now changed!!

It also mean you won't have bonded with the baby and won't have begun to take on some of it's care, got used to it's routines etc which will make the transition to home much more difficult. You might need additional support.

How can you possibly make that statement about bonding? You don't even say it might mean, you know all there is to know about bonding do you? ..... no I doubt it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 16:46

@BusterGonad you have been so judgemental on this thread, quite unbelievable!

Please
or
to access all these features

Mummylife2018 · 08/02/2019 16:46

@Raspberry88 I have RTFT!!!! I'm entitled to my opinion thanks

Please
or
to access all these features

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 16:47

Sleeping aren't most premature babies on the verge?
No. Some just need to grow but are on no additional support. Some just need help to feed but are otherwise fine. Some are like ours and like to prematurely age us with worry 😉

DS, we were told twice a day he might die. We def missed one crash by going to get food. The four weeks after the operation he was very poorly but was more at risk of a slow decline than a crash but DH couldn't take 6 weeks off work with no end in sight. From weeks 6 - 10 he was being weaned down on support but stable. I, shit mother, even risked 4 hours away to go to my sisters wedding in a different town. Fro. 10-13 weeks he was fine, just needed to eat. He wasn't on the brink of death for 13 weeks.

Presimay your child wasn't on the brink of death the weekend you didn't visit him either

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 16:48

Youknow do you think? I dunno, I think I've just been putting my opinion across like most people on AIBU?

Please
or
to access all these features

Mummylife2018 · 08/02/2019 16:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 16:52

Sleeping it was one day we didn't visit, and personally I couldn't live with myself if I visited just once a week. That's my issue. Fine if it works for you, I'm just surprised really.

Please
or
to access all these features

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 16:54

OP has explained that OH at that time was in a temporary zero contract hours job, situation now changed!!

What has that got to do with it? How would the NICU staff have known that when the noted their concerns. They were correct to be concerned by what they observed at the time. It is a very bad idea to mistake concern for criticism. It means you're less likely to accept help which in the future you might need.

Please
or
to access all these features

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 16:58

How can you possibly make that statement about bonding? You don't even say it might mean, you know all there is to know about bonding do you? ..... no I doubt it.

It's very unlikely that you will have bonded significantly with a baby you haven't seen much. That isn't to say you won't go on to bond or it's your fault it's just a concern. It might also point towards parents who are already struggling to bond as usually the bonding instinct would have you there as much as possible. Obviously there might be circumstances that prevents this even if you would like to be there. The NICU staff did nothing but make a small remark detailing their concern. It was right they did this.

Please
or
to access all these features

Raspberry88 · 08/02/2019 16:59

Yep, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Most decent people will keep their hurtful and judgement opinions to themselves. OP is a real person and her choice to ask for advice on an online forum was not her asking for abuse. Those who can't understand why people respond in different ways are the ones lacking in empathy. Just to apply the same logic to another situation but would you all condemn a victim of rape or abuse because they behaved 'incorrectly?' I can't believe that people would critise a man for working all bloody hours to protect his family, knowing that his baby was in the best and safest place.

Please
or
to access all these features

lyralalala · 08/02/2019 17:02

Part of the issue with basic notekeeping like that is that staff don't always have a note of the circumstances.

I'll never forget being given a "talking too" by a nicu nurse about how little time I spent with DD2 when she was born. I got a lecture in bonding and caring and the woman barely took a breath even when I burst into tears. She got hauled over the coals by her boss because I had newborn twins in different fucking hospitals and DD1 was incredibly poorly.

Even when they were both very, very poorly I couldn't be with them both until they were 6 weeks when a space became available where DD1 was so DD2 could be moved next to her.

Any note keeping should be completely factual. Not opinion. "Rarely visited" doesn't give any indication as to how often the OP's DH was there - once a week? Twice in a month? Three times the whole stay? It's useless information, as well as being short on context.

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 17:04

I'm not criticizing, I just find it hard to believe that he couldn't have fit more than a visit once a week in. If he couldn't than he couldn't, if I was the Op I wouldn't have put it on AIBU on Mumsnet for a start! No way!

Please
or
to access all these features

Sleeplikeasloth · 08/02/2019 17:12

BusterGonad, many of us have said the same. I got majorly blasted in here for suggesting that the husband (after having a full 7hrs sleep) could have spent some of his 6 free hours before work visiting, on the days he started at 3pm. That it wouldn't have risked him being late. He didn't go because it wasn't something he/the Op felt he needed to do...
I'll be criticised for mentioning this again, as will you if you agree, or the dozens of other people on here who also think he should have visited more.

Please
or
to access all these features

Raspberry88 · 08/02/2019 17:16

I'll be criticised for mentioning this again, as will you if you agree, or the dozens of other people on here who also think he should have visited more.

Why...!? Why are you now ganging up to criticise a man you don't know, a situation you weren't involved in? How can you be so certain he could have visited more? What is it to you?

Please
or
to access all these features

Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 17:18

I worked on a Maternity Unit for a number of years and did many shifts on SCBU. Yes there were notes about patients but the staff did a really odd thing, they actually asked about the parents circumstances so the notes weren’t just a bitch fest. They also took into account that some parents were quiet and others were nervous about handling their very small baby. This particular NICU seems to be staffed by badly trained, lacking in common sense, uncaring people.

There really are some nasty judgmental up their own arse posters on here.

Please
or
to access all these features

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2019 17:19

it was one day we didn't visit my point was t how many, it was presumably you waited until baby was generally stable, so babies aren't on the brink their entire stay.
I agree with you Re visiting days but they're home, it's dine, what use is it telling OP again and again how (and I don't mean you specifically but the psots in general) that he's a shit dad even though he is now at home with her and doing his share, that she's not bonded with the baby even though she says their connection is fine, that he partners lack of empathy is disturbing even though, again, OP has no concerns with what DP now does or how much he loves the kids. If it was ongoing there would be something to gain but what do people want her to do? Leave him? Refuse to let him see the child he apparently doesn't love and abandoned out of a selfish desire to lie in bed all day?

What has that got to do with it? it's relevent to all the posts telling OP she and her partner are shit parents

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 17:21

Thanks Sloth, for me when mine was in the unit it was both the best and worst time of my life, me and my husband would've moved heaven and earth to get there. That's way I find it so hard to understand. But yes, I'm a judgmental bitch by the sounds of it. Oh well. If the cap fits! Wink

Please
or
to access all these features

Raspberry88 · 08/02/2019 17:33

Buster what part of people are all different can't you understand?

Please
or
to access all these features

Nighttimenope · 08/02/2019 17:42

@Buster, but actually once you chose to have a pub lunch instead. I would NEVER have done that when my child was in NICU!!
By your judgement of parents, I was a better NICU parent than you.

Actually bubbling over reading the snobby comments on here. Hours clocked in NICU, home contexts aside, does not a good, bonded parent indicate. OP, I still stand by your judgements to do what was best for your family and I’m still appalled people have such blinkered views on family life. Can only hope they are not working with families going through trauma, and if they are.. I guess it explains the ill-informed judgement on your notes. I despair.

Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 17:45

I'm just being polite, I think If you start work in the afternoon and finish in the early hours then you can find time to visit the hospital. Like sloth said, I just don't think it was on his radar, which is fair enough. If that's the case then just say it. We've all got our limits.

Please
or
to access all these features

NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 17:45

To address some things.

DD was stable when this was noted. She was only in for feeding and learning to suck at this point. She was not on the brink of death. She did contract sepsis when he was at work. I phoned him and my dad, dad immediately picked up DH who left work that day and took a few days off until we knew she was stable again. So it's not like he didn't see her when she was critical. We did lose a lot financially that month and had to borrow money.

Secondly as for bonding I don't bloody get it. I love my children and I have done from before they were born. It doesn't matter where they are I will always love them. I don't love them more or less based on which one I have more interactions with at that time. And as for not knowing her routine, hospitals are an artificial environment and whatever routine she was in would go out the window when back at home as the place is very different.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BusterGonad · 08/02/2019 17:48

Yeah you are Night, well done you! ⭐️

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.