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NICU staff being judgemental.
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NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

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Settlersofcatan · 08/02/2019 20:29

And FWIW, I have been a waitress and we don't have a car.

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FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 08/02/2019 20:32

I do think this illustrates why safeguarding is so difficult. They can't win.

Nobody storms into NICU and announces they don't care about their child and can't be arsed to look after them. People have to pick up on clues and build a picture of who is likely to struggle and may need support (which isn't a bad thing) and who is actually negligent and can't look after their child (incredibly rare). Nobody said OP fell into either of these categories but she flagged a few minor concerns. It is right to note these as it becomes it contributes to a larger overall picture. If she had flagged any more concerns further action may have been required as it was she didn't.

The priority has to be vulnerable children. This means that sometimes people will flag concerns and sometimes even be investigated even though they're perfectly good parents. There's no way of avoiding this.

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NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 20:38

settlers how could he have visited more? His hours weren't regular. He was regularly on an earlier start after a night shift. Transport takes ages. He would get there see her for 5 minutes and then have to leave and barely be on time and that's if no delays happened. So not really practical.

But he can't do anything for her. He knows she's safe and well taken care of. So why would he put his desire to cuddle her above our financial security when hed get about 10 mins max, when he could just wait until she's home and not have to worry about losing his job.

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Settlersofcatan · 08/02/2019 20:42

His shifts cannot always have been back to back, you are just changing the story on his work patterns as you go along.

It comes across very clearly that you don't think dads are very important to children and that you agree with him that it wasn't important for him to be around. That isn't how most parents feel and it's reasonable for the NICU to have flagged it

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 20:46

Dear god Bluntness what on earth do you mean by a proper solicitor? Do you mean the U.K. is at a wash with fraudulent solicitors? Why do people need a Barrister, don’t you realise that most of the time it’s an unnessary expense. Why the hell are you telling people not to use a no win no fee outfit. The ignorance on here is unbelievable.

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Mummylife2018 · 08/02/2019 20:48

@lyralalala Omg! Was she disciplined? X

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Mummylife2018 · 08/02/2019 20:49

I really hope so!

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NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 20:51

I've stated this about his shifts several times. He would regularly work 3-1, 12 until 8. I used to either use public transport or get lifts from my parents. If my mum had already taken me in earlier in the day and watched my older disabled child while my husband is at work she's not going to take him in later on when he's finished is she? And he's not going to risk using unreliable transport possibly making him late for his next shift.

I do think dads are important. I don't necessarily think it matters that they're not changing 50% of the nappies at 10 weeks, no.

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Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 20:52

Gosh, I miss,you've got very upset there, Confused

Of course I wasn't saying it was awash with fraudulent solicitors, I was saying exactly what I said, and which has been highly publicised in the media, some of these no win no fee outfits have a clause in their contracts which if there is a loss then there is still a charge. So telling her to read the contract is good advice.

And yes sadly some of them will take on cases that have no chance of winning that a fee charging solicitor would not.

And yes, there is ignorance on here. But it's not coming from me. Maybe look closer at yourself. I really have no idea why you have just started clutching at your arse cheeks over what is very good advice. Are you drunk?

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 20:52

OP stop listening to the thundercunts on here. Take legal advice and sue, sue. Sue.

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NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 20:54

Also money for suing comes out of a budget set aside for claims. It doesn't come out of a maternity department so I won't be stripping them of their cash.

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MotherOfDragonite · 08/02/2019 20:58

All of these posters getting snotty about dads needing to visit all the time are just massively massively undermining the single mums who manage it all single-handedly.

(And yes, I know I have a chip on my shoulder).

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Raspberry88 · 08/02/2019 21:00

His shifts cannot always have been back to back, you are just changing the story on his work patterns as you go along.

She has not. That is exactly what she has said all along. OP, I would leave this thread now, there are some real arseholes here and it can't be good for you to be questioned again and again. I really, really wish you all the best, you should be so proud of how you've all coped with such a difficult situation. Flowers

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MrMakersFartyParty · 08/02/2019 21:02

@Imissgmichael I do not believe you are a nurse or lawyer. If you were you would know the notes would not be deemed relevant at all in a case about an unnecessary early birth. If you are then you are coming across very unprofessionally.

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Herbyvor · 08/02/2019 21:05

She has not. That is exactly what she has said all along. OP, I would leave this thread now, there are some real arseholes here and it can't be good for you to be questioned again and again. I really, really wish you all the best, you should be so proud of how you've all coped with such a difficult situation. flowers

I agree, this thread is like a magnet for the arseholes of mumsnet.

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NicuProblem · 08/02/2019 21:06

Thank you. And thank you to everyone who offered supportive comments. To the people who think we didn't do it properly I just hope that if you find yourself in a difficult situation that people treat you kindly and with empathy rather than judgement and contempt.

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Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 21:11

Also money for suing comes out of a budget set aside for claims. It doesn't come out of a maternity department so I won't be stripping them of their cash

But of course you are. If you and anyone else who doesn't need the money and it's not about the money does it via a formal complaints process, or even waives any rights to money then the money can be utilised elsewhere. Basically they have one pot of money, sure they ring fence some for claims, but if they didn't Spend it on claims then they could spend it on improving patient care.

I only raise it as you are so adamant it's not about rhe money.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 21:14

Bluntness you are obviously a bit clueless. what are “some of these outfits” your talking about doing. Law firms have to follow very strict guidelines. You really need to stop reading the gutter press. Plus only specialist firms tend to deal with med neg. Why would I need to look at myself, I know how the law works. You obviously need to stop obsessing about bottoms it really isn’t healthy.

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Littlebelina · 08/02/2019 21:21

Everytime I come back to this thread it's like someone has left the gate open at the twat farm again and another herd have descended here to kick the op

Hope you are feeling a bit better about it today op

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 21:32

MrMakersFartyParty

  • @Imissgmichael I do not believe you are a nurse or lawyer. If you were you would know the notes would not be deemed relevant at all in a case about an unnecessary early birth. If you are then you are coming across very unprofessionally”

    Believe what you want. Qualified as a nurse in the 80s. Studied law as a mature student.

    I have not said at any point that the SCBU notes would be on their own be relevan. The negligent birth would be one thing and the way the OP was treated would be seen as exacerbating the OPs mental anguish. But hey continue to call me a liar if you want.
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TooManyPaws · 08/02/2019 21:34

Having read the thread fully from the very beginning, and been gobsmacked by the smug twats with no empathy or comprehension that other people's circumstances are different, I'm wondering how on earth my father could possibly have bonded with me, given that he didn't see me until I was three months old and didn't even know that I had been born for a day or so. Shouldn't he have been changing my nappies at all hours in my first few weeks or bonding is impossible?

While the military makes every attempt to get the non-birthing parent there as soon as possible these days and provides maternity, paternity and adoption leaves, there are plenty of people who were born in the bad old days and still had perfectly good bonds with their parents.

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Imissgmichael · 08/02/2019 21:35

MrMakersFartyParty -“If you are then you are coming across very unprofessionally.”

Why?

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Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 21:40

Imiss you really need to stop hijacking the ops thread. if we all say we believe you are a lawyer and a nurse and the expert that can't be disputed, can we all get back to the op?

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EdtheBear · 08/02/2019 21:43

I've not rtft.
But how can you sue for them commenting on the number of visits a baby had?
You've suffered no loss from those comments.

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Schuyler · 08/02/2019 21:44

Sorry but I’m not buying the “but it’s safeguarding!!!!”. I do understand the relevance and importance of documentation but I try to be factual and it must be relevant.

If NICU has concerns, they should speak to the parent/s first unless this would lead to risk of harm or neglect to the children. I’m afraid my experience of some healthcare professionals is they hold a paternalistic view of safeguarding as something that is done to families when we always try to do it with the families. It’s all very well noting concerns about the OP over concerns of depression, yet they appear to have not even asked her!

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