My Birthday Party his Football

[SKK01]

Hi, am I been unreasonable. I am looking at having my birthday party but DH says it clashes with a weekend when he was planning on taking the kids to Wembley to watch the football. The party isn’t on my birthday it’s a few weeks later, DH thinks that I should move the date for my party as the date for the football is fixed. I have said no, he has said that both him and the kids will therefore be going to the football, as it’s not everyday you get to go to Wembley with your kids to watch your team play. Should I compromise and move the date, or dig my heels in and see what he chooses.

Move the party and quit the spiteful game playing. If there are wider issues in your relationship address them like an adult.

I’ve always put DH and his wishes 1st. I want to finally do something for myself. I feels kids will enjoy either. DH has always put himself 1st and not always treated me well. Always put me second in his priorities. So I wanted to see what choice he made again this time.

That's not what you've done; though. You haven't cleverly tricked him into choosing between you and football so you can see if he chooses you and assess if he loves you, you've just picked a date that is not your birthday to claim for celebrating, and picked a date that he already had plans on.

If DP wanted to do something on a date that I had plans (or my team was at Wembley!) I'd say no, unless it was actually his birthday; in which case we'd talk about it. I have plans. It's not a choice between him and the plans I already have, I simply already have them. The same is the case here.

If you feel under appreciated, you need to bring that up separately, but you also need to be aware that game playing will only make this much worse.

Yes, YABU. Sounds like a petty power play that has backfired.
There's nothing wrong with having a birthday party, but you ca do both, it's not an either/or situation.

Should I compromise and move the date, or dig my heels in and see what he chooses.

This feels like a power play to me, like you're testing him.

So you deliberately want to have your birthday party weeks before your birthday so it clashes with the football date to see what your partner would choose?

Is this your 14th birthday party?

Football is a huge deal to some people and if they have the opportunity to see their team at Wembley then I really don't understand why you would try to not allow that?

@SKK01 - which came first - the plan for your dh to take the kids to Wembley, or you choosing the date for your party?

If your dh was already planning to take the kids to see the football on that date, and then you chose the same date for your party, then you are being very unreasonable to dig your heels in like this, and to pull your kids into it too.

But if you had already chosen that date for your party, and your dh knew this before he made the Wembley plan, then it is a bit unreasonable of him to insist on his plan taking priority.

From your OP it does sound as if the football plan came first, though, and you are choosing to make this a test of whether he can put you first.

I do empathise with the feeling that, as mum, your needs always come bottom of the pile - it is horrible to feel like that. But this is not the way to get your dh to appreciate how you are feeling, or to get him to want to change. If you force him to give up the Wembley trip, he will feel resentment and anger towards you, and in that frame of mind, he is not going to be able to empathise with how you are feeling.

So my advice to you would be to sit down with him and have a calm discussion. Start by saying that you will pick another date for the party - that will help get him on side - and then say that the reason you were digging your heels in was because you always feel,like you come last behind him, the kids, work etc - and that you need that to change. Then between you, hopefully you can start to work this out.

Stop being a brat . Why have a birthday party not anywhere near your birthday?
Sounds like you want a barney with him and to throw it in his face or something ? It’s bizarre

@SKK01 i would pick Wembley over a birthday party

Whether it's a reverse or not, the wife should move the date for the birthday party. Not for her DH, if it's really a "test", but for the sake of the DCs and the experience they'll get at Wembley.

If there are relationship issues that this "test" is about, these are something that should be discussed separately, perhaps with the aid of a counsellor.

My ex frequently didn't bother with my birthday (when I'd just want some "proof" he actually cared about me) but even I wouldn't try to fix a date like this.

@SKK01
So what have you decided?

Thanks everyone. All sorted. We have agreed an alternative date. However he is no angel.

However he is no angel.

Then deal with that as a separate issue.

Given that he will be taking the kids (so it's not just a jolly in his own) and the party is a few weeks from your actual birthday, then yes you should move your party.

Has everyone missed the bit where the op says the football tickets aren't yet booked and it's not a certainty that the football team in question will even make it to Wembley?
It does sound like the op has deliberately chosen that date to test the husband - which if true is the height of pettiness and is definitely unreasonable - but in theory i wouldn't change the date of my party in favour of another event that might not even happen!

She doesn’t have a date for her party yet. She’s deliberating suggesting a day when she knows her DH and DC have provisional plans. Neither event is confirmed but she’s playing games to get a reaction.

OP has actually said they've now agreed an alternative thread. RTFT.

*an alternative date!!

Him not being an angel is not an excuse for you to act like a brat.

I don't think that anyone has insinuated that he doesn't have his flaws. Just that 'two wrongs don't make a right'. And it's certainly no way to try and get him to change.

Everyone's got a good deal then. You get a party AND a day to yourself. The kids get a party AND the footy. That's the beauty of compromise.

Was the test worth it then, OP? Proved you right even if it caused bad feelings all round - what was the point? There are much better ways to communicate.

My feeling reading this was that the kids are step kids and you were trying to see which was more important to him by booking the same day as the game. Otherwise I feel like you would have been automatically included in going to the game, and it seems like you weren't. I could be way off though! At any rate I'm glad you got it sorted out.

If your birthday is weeks before the party anyway I don't see why you don't move it. It's not very often your team gets to play at Wembley so if I was in your position I would change the party date.

If your DH is actually a bit of a twat then that’s a separate issue you need to deal with.

I wouldn't want a sour face man at my party. I much rather change the date or have dinner or something with friends without partners.