To try cry it out method

[loveskaka]

I have tried everything to get my wee one to sleep through, nothing is working! I am considering trying cio but would like to hear some stories on your experiences. I did say I wouldn't do it but I am up at 6am for work really struggling now. Pls help!

@cathf so true!! Never get a real response from people on mumsnet just mainly people who co sleep and believe in slings til the child goes to school. Sorry but it's true! Some of us value our sleep and also it's not healthy for a child to think it's ok to sleep in with mum til school or beyond. So we sleep trained and it was brilliant and my child is happier now she gets a full nights sleep and she doesn't wake up because I have a noise activated monitor just in case and she's only in the next room with doors open.

Sally that’s fair enough - and I’m not about to disagree with you as you know your children better than I do

I guess this is such an emotive topic and because every child is different, it’s impossible to tell whether it will work or not unless you actually do it.

People talk about peer reviewed studies etc but honestly, for it to be completely fair surely you’d have to be able to do sleep training and then go back in time and not do it and keep all other variables the same to see if it worked on that particular child.

I know there have been some studies that say that babies who have been left to cio (not cc) May be silent but are still physiologically stressed... but who knows how reliable that is?

We did controlled crying at 14 months - after two nights he started sleeping through. I would go in after 5 minutes, then after ten, then after 20 etc and just kept doubling the time.

I wouldn't just let him scream and scream for ages till he fell asleep, that would break my heart.

Only on mumsnet does it seem to be the accepted norm to still be having awful nights after a year

It’s not an accepted norm! It’s reality for some people! You either get a good sleeper or you don’t. For some, no amount of sleep training would make a blind bit of difference. I know a few people for whom this is the case - they’ve no choice but to wait it out until the child is developmentally ready I suppose or they give it all up and run away

Some of us value our sleep and also it's not healthy for a child to think it's ok to sleep in with mum til school or beyond

Actually all of us value our sleep. Sleep deprivation is SO horrible. But some of us also accepted that when we became parents that some children don't sleep as well as others, just as some adults don't, and that for a few years what we want (and need!) would come second to what they want and need, because they don't have the means to answer their own needs.

And why is it healthy to sleep with out partners but not our children?

I tried it for a bit and it was awful and I regret it. They are only little for a relatively short time and although it’s exhausting getting up in the night with them, whether working or not, it doesn’t last. I look back and wish I hadn’t done it as it was distressing.
They can’t tell you how they’re feeling and just need comfort, and I think it’s confusing to be the centre of their world and cater to their every whim all day, then at night time just walk out of the room while they’re screaming for you. It’s breaks your heart.

YABU. It's cruel to neglect a child who is distressed and needs comforting. As a parent, that's your job.

I say this as mother of a crap sleeper who now, aged 2, has slept through the night twice in a row. Finally. I know what dog-tired feels like but honestly could not stomach letting him get upset. Sleep is developmental and will happen eventually.

We did controlled crying at 14 months - after two nights he started sleeping through. I would go in after 5 minutes, then after ten, then after 20 etc and just kept doubling the time.

I cannot even imagine hearing her cry over the monitor for 20 minutes and not go in. I just don't know how you do it. I'm not even judging really, just totally baffled. Surely if her need was trivial she couldn't keep up 'faking it' for 20 minutes?

@ethelfleda in the vast majority of cases not including, obviously, health issues, children are developmentally ready to sleep through from a few weeks old. Of course there will be good sleepers, bad sleepers and worse sleepers but I believe the environment you create from birth goes a long way towards aiding good sleep earlier. These new 'ideals' of co sleeping and feeding on demand are, in my opinion, highly likely to be creating this culture of good sleep coming much later. I don't think those things are bad to do, but if routine and early sleeping through is something important to you then just consider it from early on. 6 months onwards and the baby has gained so many habits it's much more of an uphill battle.

*few months

Desmondo
I have to admit I’ve never heard that before. I always thought they weren’t developmentally ready until toddler age(ish) there being some ready much sooner and some much later, of course.

Go back 30 years and most babies were sleeping through by 3 months. I'm not saying that things haven't improved in terms of our understanding of baby psychology and the need for attachment and comfort etc, and I think everyone should parent exactly how they want to, but undeniably the general acceptance of when your baby will sleep through is getting later and later!!

Controlled crying worked for both of mine. The really poor sleeper did regress sometimes but the younger one is an amazing sleeper now and I did it when she was younger (around 7 months) as was more confident in trusting my instincts. I feel that when children get better sleep everyone (parents and children) are happier and healthier.

I didn't like hearing them cry but they didn't cry much, more whinged, and we kept going back to reassure and offer a drink of water.

OP, if you're going to do controlled crying - you don't just leave them to cry. You go in every few minutes and reassure them that they are fine and it is time for sleep. You keep your tone low and the lights low. You can check they are not dying, stuck in the cot bars, vomiting everywhere or all the other untold terrifying dangers we torture ourselves with. What you don't do is pick them up, cuddle them and feed them.

I went in every two minutes to start with, because I was shitting myself that I was causing emotional damage to my 15 month old. Slowly I extended it to every 3 minutes, then every 5 minutes and so on.

First night took 3 hours, second night 45 mins, third night he grizzled for about 15 minutes and ever since then he has slept through.

He is 19 (years not months) now and we get on really well. He remembers nothing of it at all and there was no damage to our attachment. He was far more chirpy during the day and I clawed my way out the hideous gloom of the severely sleep deprived.

I didn't like hearing them cry but they didn't cry much, more whinged

I suspect this is a god measure of how effective it is. What people don’t seem to mention is the level of crying during sleep training. Whinging and fussing is one thing and may be not indicative of a very stressed out baby. Some mothers say they may have tried it but couldn’t go through with it as their babies were hysterical. This makes a big difference, surely?

We tried (very briefly) and PUPD method when DS was about 5 months old and it was horrendous. Hence why I have never tried any method of sleep training since. Maybe if he has just fussed or whinged or it wasn’t an urgent cry I would have carried on.

Desmondo, i agree. My oldest is 26 and certainly the expectation was that 3 months was the time they should sleep through. All advice was geared towards getting baby to sleep through - it was considered very important, and I honestly k ow if no one in my circle at the time whose baby was still nigh feeding beyond then.
By the time I had my second, now 15, the accepted norm seemed to have stretched to 6 months and advice was a lot more woolly and more baby-led.
Now everything seems to have gone completely to pot, with parents panicking about sleep but seemingly having neither the sense or the ability to do anything about it.
I regularly read on here about newborn babies who 'rufuse' this and that and wonder what on earth is going on.
I wonder if the concept of parents bei g in charge will ever become fashionable again?

The best method for you would be discussed by a person who knew what they were doing and took the time to get to know you, your family and your child. A full history.That way any method would be tailormade. @"Names they are a changing" In my work, I have done years of this work, free on the NHS. You would love to know qualifications. OK here goes, nurse, midwife, health visitor, masters, a dissertation on sleep problems in families, and extensive personal training and development in the area. I would not comment on the best method to OP as I would need to get to know the family first. All I will say is that I never advocated CIO and rarely Controlled crying. Both are psychologically damaging to child and parent and are potentially open to abuse. That said very occasionally, with the right family, leaving a child to cry a little when they are on the brink of falling asleep is sometimes the only option. Please do not assume you have a greedy layperson making it up as they go along, but by all means, check their credibility and qualifications first. By far a better method than CC id graduated withdrawal. It is kinder. Takes longer but doesn't put you through the mangle and you see progress. It does need support, preferably from a professional. It never pays to make assumptions

You do know it’s completely normal to wake in the night? It is protection against SIDS and infants have a much shorter sleep cycle than us. As they grow they adjust into better sleeping patterns learning to move from one cycle of sleep to the next without needing our help. This comes when they are ready and not something you can teach as many believe.
Your baby is crying because they need you. They may be hungry, thirsty, scared, lonely, too cold/hot be in pain. It is beyond cruel to just ignore them. Would you leave your partner or mum to cry? Then why a helpless baby.
It is tough believe me I know but you just have to ride it out. It will get better.

cath why do you seem to find it impossible to put your opinions forward without snide remarks about people who parent differently to how you did?
Read the exchanges between desmondo and I - clearly we have different ideas of parenting but haven’t swiped at each other for it!

MRex
I have tried all the other gentler methods. I'm worried about co sleeping as I dnt want to be doing it when he's 3/4/5.

FLOWER1982 - with controlled crying you do not ignore your baby. You check it is ok, let it know that you haven't abandoned it but that you are not going to feed it or play with it at 2am for a few hours!

@Escapee

He dsnt have any night feeds and hasn't for about 4months, he stopped feeding during the night pretty early on.

I am a bit shocked at the number of posters who believe a baby is physically able to sleep through at weeks, or at the latest 3 months. Unusually some babies do this, and those whose babies sleep through do tend to let the world know, leaving other parents feeling a bit inadequate. I would never expect a baby to sleep through before 4 months. Between 4 months and a year, there are things parents do that don't help so there are changes to be made. I would never actively manage a sleep programme before 9months to a year. I brought up my children 40 years ago and despite what other posters have written, there were parents then who got in a rammel and had little sleep for years

@gokartdillydilly
I totally agree and have the same opinion
What did u do exactly? X

Can I just add about the disappearing chair method - I don't see how it teaches them not to bother crying as no one will come. I've seem arguments about Romanian orphanages where that did happen - as the kids weren't shown any love or affection whatsoever and they didn't develop as a result.

We trained at 7 months. She still cries in the night sometimes. Mainly she will settle herself. Occasionally if she cries and sounds really upset, or she doesn't stop crying after a few minutes, we still go in and give her a cuddle. And some cslpol if she is ill. If she doesn't fall asleep after that then she will come in with us. That's happened 3 times in the 7 months since we sleep trained. So for us it is a nice balance - she can get herself back to sleep mostly but if she's actually ill or genuinely upset then we are still there to comfort her.