To try cry it out method

[loveskaka]

I have tried everything to get my wee one to sleep through, nothing is working! I am considering trying cio but would like to hear some stories on your experiences. I did say I wouldn't do it but I am up at 6am for work really struggling now. Pls help!

Please don't OP. When a baby cries, you comfort it. That doesn't change at night. Controlled crying isn't much better IMO. Baby is crying because he needs something, not to be naughty or difficult.

It doesn't mean they aren't still waking, just that they know better than to bother calling for their parents

There's always someone spouting this bollocks on here.

Absolutely not true in my experience. DS has always called out if something's actually up (sick, teething, concerned about something).

Then he sleeps like a dream the rest of the time.

@dementedpixie

He falls asleep in my arms then I put him in the cot, he's was fine until 2/3 weeks ago he started getting really clingy. I figured out he wasn't dealing with cows milk great as he had a rash, runny poos etc. Put him back on formula and his behaviour is better but the sleeping in his cot isn't. Last night he starting at 11:30 and he would fall asleep in my arms the scream as soon as I put him dwn. I used to be able to put him in his cot sleepy but then his dad insisted on cuddling him and falling asleep with him, now it's all messed up and I can't seem to fix it.

How are his naps OP? And have you night weaned?

Night weaning and consolidating to one afternoon nap totally improved my LO's night sleep. Had to deploy DP for the night weaning initially, but eventually she would accept me giving her a cuddle and no milk; then nursery helped us consolidate her nap and she went down from up to 6 wakings a night to 0-2 depending (although we still have an early start, around 5/5.30). We did both these things at once so not sure which one did the trick. Worth trying before you consider leaving them to cry maybe?

OP just read your post before mine - do you have a spare room? Would Dad consider co-sleeping with baby and you could go elsewhere at night? Baby may well sleep much better if they can roll over for a quick hug then go straight back to sleep - your DP might not even notice and you'd all sleep better!

I wouldn’t attempt it. I have a 15 month old who still wakes for breast feeds. Some nights are better than others but I’m waiting until he is about 18 months old and if sleep doesn’t improve by then I will try to night wean him.
They go through phases IME- developmental leaps or illnesses and teething all have an effect on sleep or appetite etc etc sometimes he is clingy all day - at the moment he is happy playing independently. I always find it less stressful to wait out that particular phase until it passes.
You need to do what is best for you but please do some research on how this type of sleep training could potentially affect him.

My philosophy is that I’m the adult - I understand what is going on and I can adjust to the situation far better than my baby can when he is too young to understand why his mum/dad suddenly won’t see to him when he cries.

I suspect people who disagree with it have never had to juggle a toddler who wakes multiple times a night with going to work and remaining focused all day.
Not quite
We both work and our DC still wakes a lot at 2yo
It is one of the things I factored in before deciding to have DC, the fact that some of them don't sleep and that I wouldn't either.

I don't care what others do, it us not for me. Sleep deprivation is hell and I am not judging, it really is hell, but I won't do it, just don't make assumptions.

I am against this practice in my home, for my child and I. That doesn't mean I don't have a toddler who hates sleep.

*Absolutely not true in my experience. DS has always called out if something's actually up (sick, teething, concerned about something).

Then he sleeps like a dream the rest of the time.*

How do you know he isn't waking without calling out? Are you watching him the whole night? This would surely defeat the purpose of sleep training...

Someone posted this on another thread yesterday which might be worth a quick read:

sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/

@lauriemarlow it’s not bollocks just because it wasn’t the case in your experience. It’s a well known and observed evolutionary phenomenon. The idea being that children who continually cry are more likely to be taken or eaten (clearly this isn’t applicable nowadays but we all know babies are far more instinctual than adults are) so they learn to stop. They learn that no one is coming so they shut up even more quickly. It’s not bollocks, it’s exactly what sleep training relies upon.

That’s alarmist bollocks, frankly, Names. We did controlled crying with DS when he was a baby as he was waking every hour throughout the night, I have several long term illnesses and terrible PND and was on my knees with exhaustion. He slept through from the first night, was going down without a murmur by night three, and has been a reliably good sleeper ever since. BUT if he’s ill, or upset, or has had a nightmare, he calls for us (or comes in to our room these days) and we comfort him. Most of the time, he just wants a quick cuddle and will sleep in his own bed happily for the rest of the night. If he calls or comes in a couple of times in quick succession, we know he’s too unsettled to go back to bed, so he comes in with one of us and the other goes into the spare room. At no time has he learned that we won’t come to him. What he has learned is that there is nothing to fear sleeping in his own bed on his own.

We don’t just leave children with dirty nappies until they learn to use the toilet, nor do we leave them starving so that they work out how to feed themselves. Most people would agree either of these would be utterly ridiculous even at an age where they’re “supposed” to be able to do them. Why, therefore, would you expect leaving a child to cry to improve the way they sleep? I don’t know about you but I sleep a lot better when I’m not upset or frightened.

This!!! We expect more of small children than we do of grown adults in this respect. I love to have a cuddle in the night and don't sleep as well when my DP isn't there; probably he should decamp to the spare room and teach me to 'self-soothe'

And if he wakes up and doesn’t call, it’s because he is fine to go back to sleep. Obviously! Because when he isn’t ok, he calls or comes in to us. He can talk, he’s very vocal about it when he does want us.

I did the disappearing chair method with mine. I thought it was a good compromise, she did cry but we were there with her and did pick her up briefly if she got hysterical. I read that they are less distressed when they know they'be not been abandoned. She went from waking every 90 min to sleeping through on the second night

@45andahalf

Out of curiosity, what do you think was the mechanism by which sleep training 'worked' then, if not teaching your baby not to cry out for you on waking because you wouldn't come/wouldn't pick them up? Why do you think he stopped waking up so often?

You say it taught him being in bed alone was nothing to be scared of - how exactly do you think it did that?

Op, I am afraid you are never going to get a sensible, balanced response on here.
MN babies are velcroed to their mother every waking minute until they are four, a and their every demand* is met instantly. Anything else is barbaric.
*I am aware I will get castigated for using the word demand, as babies apparently don't demand.

I did it with both of my children after the age of 12 months. I would not do it on a small baby but I see yours is 13 months so it's OK in my opinion. It was the best thing I've ever done and saved my sanity. My daughter went through a period where she seemed to forget how to sleep, was awake all night just wanting to play. She was 14 months. I tried ALL the gentle methods. I brought her in to our bed but no, she just wanted to play. I tried the gradual withdrawal method for weeks, no improvement. I slept on the floor of her room next to her cot. I did all this because I couldn't bear to let her cry. Nothing worked and after months of neither of us sleeping I was a wreck and so was she. She became aggressive, had frequent meltdowns, had dark circle's under her eyes. I myself couldn't function and was always in tears. I went to the health visitor and burst in to tears in a room full of strangers (and I NEVER cry in front of others). They told me to do controlled crying. It worked in 2 days. The first night was horrendous. She was crying for hours, I was crying, my heart broke. I found her asleep slumped in an upright position against the bars of her cot. I felt like an evil mother but I stuck with it. The second night she cried for 10 minutes and then slept until 1am,cried another 10 minutes and slept the rest of the night. Ever since then she's been a brilliant sleeper. She's now 8. Similar thing happened with my son at the same age and I did controlled crying. It was equally heartbreaking but worked in 3 nights. He's now 6 and we've had no problems since (unless he's ill or something). I don't believe it's cruel. I really think it's a kind thing to let your child learn how to sleep. I feel like I gave them a valuable gift. They have both been very happy since I did CC and both love bedtimes and being in bed. I hear them singing away happily every night before they fall asleep.

it doesn't mean they aren't still waking, just that they know better than to bother calling for their parents

If anyone can point to a peer reviewed, robust study that proves this (rather than general hypothesis) I'd love to see it.

In my opinion.... I’m sure most adults have problems sleeping. I have too much on my mind at the moment and that is affecting how I sleep. Being an adult though, I can get up and make a cup of chamomile tea or watch the tv to try and switch off or wake my husband and talk to him etc
A baby can wake up for exactly the same reason - too much on their mind - as well as being thirsty or hot or cold or unwell or in pain (the list goes on...) but the only thing they can do about it is alert mum or dad. I personally wouldn’t like to teach them that they have to rely on themselves at night from such a young age.

I know it has probably worked very well for some and I’m not criticising. Just giving my point of view.

If anyone can point to a peer reviewed, robust study that proves this (rather than general hypothesis) I'd love to see it.

If anyone can point to a study that demonstrates night wakings actually decrease as a result of cio, as opposed to alerting the parents that they have woken, I'd love to see that. I'd also love to see the study that demonstrates the long term effectiveness of CC/CIO, as everyone I know who has done it and had 'amazing results' has had it all go to hell within a few months when baby is sick/teething/whatever and have to repeat the process regularly.

@ethelfleda I know what you're saying but both my children will wake me up if scared, uncomfortable, ill etc. etc and that's how I want it. They both just learnt that night time is for sleeping, not playing and if they wake up and everything's fine they know they need to go back to sleep, and how to do it. That's what CC taught them.

Only on mumsnet does it seem to be the accepted norm to still be having awful nights after a year. OP, do whatever you think you need to to get it sorted out for all of you x

*Op, I am afraid you are never going to get a sensible, balanced response on here.
MN babies are velcroed to their mother every waking minute until they are four, a and their every demand is met instantly. Anything else is barbaric.

And yet more than half the responses are Mumsnetters singing the praises of controlled crying but that doesn't work for your sneer, so best ignore it eh?

If you want to solve the problem in about 3 days - do it!

I tried controlled crying at bedtime when my DS was about 15 months, it was fucking awful. I know it works for some and tbh I wouldn't judge someone who did it but I hated it. It made DS massively distressed to the point where he wouldn't even want to go up to bed as he knew what was going to happen where as he would always go to bed happy previously. He would cling to me and DH so tightly as he didn't want to let us go. The 3 nights we tried it he only slept through sheer exhaustion of being so upset, so I stopped. It was really awful. He's still not great at bedtime (he's 2), he sleeps through and sleeps in his own bed, but it can take a while for him to drift off and DH or I stay with him till he falls asleep, but I am much more comfortable with this and he is happy to go to bed now.